Keep Moving Forward

[Andabelle]

Try Transfer Factor (bovine colostrum) to boost your immune system-- I give it to my Husky who has inoperable cancer. The vet advised me to put him to sleep 11 mos. ago, and he's still going strong.

I'll remember you in my prayers.

[BeingMe]

We have a husky too --- aren't they wonderful dogs!

We arrived back home from our camp this morning. It was great being on the water. I loved going out to the middle of the lake and just floating there. H, of course, prefers speeding around, which is fun too. No romance to speak of, but it was nice to hang with my best friend.

Unfortunately, we came home with a voicemail message to call my doctor. I hope and pray it's nothing serious. My stomach just dropped and I feel quite down at the moment. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow.

Take care.

[BeingMe]

This is the note I placed on my Facebook:

My doctor phoned on Friday and left a message to call back. Of course, we were out camping and only got back on Saturday, so I had the rest of the weekend to wonder and wait. I phoned back this morning and the news is that, "there is improvement - solitary tiny focus of enhancement - can't exclude the possibility of tiny amount of residual disease." Of course, that is the nature of this particular cancer. BUT, there is improvement, thank you Lord! And, I hope the chemo in the next few months will sort out the rest of it.

Thanks everyone, for your prayers, positive thoughts and kindnesses in thinking of me. I am so grateful right now, y'all just have no idea! The fight does continue, but with so much more positiveness when one can see there is improvement.

My H was very supportive because I was scared to phone the doctor in case there was bad news. He gave me a hug on hearing the good news. I am so glad he is here, even if only as my best friend.

Still, in so many ways, I am sad that there has been so much wasted time when we could've been having a wonderful M, and instead, there has been all this sadness and 'what ifs'. But, I know I can't obsess about that --- I made my choices as he did and this is where karma/destiny has placed us. All I can do now, is be grateful for each day, and live my life as best I can. I keep telling myself, that there are millions of people who are so much worse off and I wish I could do something for them instead of worrying about myself. Ugh! I keep asking myself, "why am I here?" I feel that I have not yet finished my 'mission'. But, what is that 'mission'?

Enough of my blabbering.

[Tomato]

I shall add you to prayers for continued gradual return to good health BeingMe

Ted

[BeingMe]

Thanks Ted!

[ACJ]

So pleased to hear your good news

[BeingMe]

I love this poem, written by a Dr. Robert Magrisso:

The Loom

Time passes and everything changes,
But nothing changes very much.
Four Ancient Women are weaving the Life-times,
Here.
The Loom is as big as a galaxy,
The threads are invisible to us, but have
Something to do
With Cause and Effect.
Threads, connecting threads between lives
And deaths,
Connections, relationships, synchronicities,
But mostly,
Unseen.
We're too busy to notice, too much to do.
Life is work or else, sleep or else unconsciousness.
Is there another way?
Can one get a glimmer of the threads now and again and live
In the Weave?

[WCW]

Stopping in with a hi and hugs.

You hit a topic that I try to avoid - wasted time. A couple more months and it's 6 years. SIX!! OMG!! Did I diddle away 6 years of my life waiting for my H to work his way back? He's not even all the way out of the fog yet, what's yet to come?
Will it be what I want and need?
Maybe I'm just not good at holding an R with anyone and I'd have screwed up with someone else by now!

Stay strong, stay positive!

[BeingMe]

Well, you can see it as time wasted, but Dr. Magrisso was writing the poem from the perspective of eternity and almost dying. In the great scheme of things, 6 years isn't very long. However, if you thought you didn't have a long time to live, six years is too short.

My question to you would be --- do you love him with the love you had when you first met? Do you see the person inside of him that is the core of who he is and love that?

For me, I love my H still, but he is just a friend, it seems. So, I love that part of him. It has been five years in April since he started his EA. I don't know when it ended or if it did, I do know that my real H hasn't come back. Perhaps, he's gone forever. My best friend is here, and that's good enough for me for now. I don't think our M will survive the cancer, because if I survive it, I will want more out of life than just to live with my friend. It has been a wake up call, for sure.

[WCW]

Still, in so many ways, I am sad that there has been so much wasted time when we could've been having a wonderful M, and instead, there has been all this sadness and 'what ifs'.

I was actually refering to what you had said...

My question to you would be --- do you love him with the love you had when you first met?

Yes! but there is a but! If I think about the mess he made and the mess we still have to get thru I can get very angry. So I stuff it deep inside, and along with suppressing my anger I also bury those happy emotions. The love is still there, but I am afraid to let it out for fear that the gusher will drown H and send him back down stream!

Do you see the person inside of him that is the core of who he is and love that?

Yes again. At least I am seeing the person that I knew and grew to love when we met and for our first 10 years together. I see more and more glimpses of the H I know and love yet there is so much still lacking.

I too have been living with a friend. It makes my life easier to have H in my life as long I keep the bad feelings and emotions at bay. I am still waiting for ....?? the fairy tale to come back? I don't know if we'll ever get all the way to where I need and want my R with a man to be. I had it before, and while I have been pretty patient for this long I won't settle for less than what I know is there.

I am glad for you to have a best friend in your life for now. Perhaps that is what you need most at this point while you focus on your health. Best friend R long term is better than bursts of passion but shouldn't we ask for it all?