I just want to be happy again. I can't begin to tell you how content I was, how blessed I felt. And now, it seems that I shouldn't have. But I did - it was good for a long time, wasn't it?
There is that saying, If I am dreaming, please don't wake me up!
I miss the life I had. Even with the flaws of all it was, I miss it.
Do I have a good life? Absolutely. But I also have this pain...I didn't have that undercurrent, that constant, for a very long time. I don't know what to do with it.
Well, my face is swollen and hurts a bit, but the other feelings have diminished. There is that undercurrent, though...
The IC wrote back:
Quote:
I did not read the attachments as the intro was overall coverage to where you are at this time. We need to address our goals for joint sessions at the beginning of our meeting. We need to adhere to no more than a 50 minute session and we should attempt to create an atmosphere that will invite two adults to want to continue meeting for the benefit of effectively parenting two beautiful children, therefore, our first meeting may not provide you with the time to address the past. Let us be sure to create mutual goals so that we can attempt to meet both your needs over the next few sessions.
So, I go in with no plan and no expectations, except to answer questions thoughtfully and listen. I honestly have no clue what I am doing. I guess the note I sent her did seem to focus too much on the past.
Sounds like the IC is more solution based therapy which is great. Hopefully the bitter past does not need to be brought up so as to come up with solutions to a successfull path forward.
So go in with how you know you want communication to flow. What things you want to be notified about, how do you prefer to be notified, etc. I think if you go in thinking this way you might be surprised with how much you agree. You are going to do fine.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Start with a beginner's mind, and be ready to let go of trying to get some control over X that you would like to have. The more YOU let go, the better he will be toward the children. Sounds odd, but you need to give him space to be the generous, compassionate, empathetic, understanding father that you would like him to be. When he feels he has to play constant defense against you, he is busy trying to prove himself "right." Give him the chance to be a good dad, and he'll very likely start trying to improve things himself. (Basic principle: less old emotional overhead/defensive crap = much more energy to be a better dad)
You wrote: "He has never really come clean with his actions, but instead continues to justify it all, that "it had to happen this way," because of me"
I wonder how often he says it is because of you, and how often YOU ADD that part in your own head. Either way, the truth of the matter is very likely something like:
"It has to happen this way because of HIM."
Clearly, you were willing and able to do things differently. Unfortunately, you can't control whether he was willing or able. And, if you really listen to him, what he is telling you is that he was not willing NOR able to do things differently. That lies within him, not you. But LISTEN to it. BELIEVE him. Consider him to be someone so broken that what he did was the best he could do, as messed up as it was. It is really very very sad that it was the best he could do, that he was so broken that he could not do things differently. Do you see that?
"I just want to be happy again. I can't begin to tell you how content I was, how blessed I felt."
No, you really didn't. When you are in moments in which you have a more objective view of your M, you recognize the pain and emptiness that lurked within it.
Above, you are just swinging back for a quick revisit of the post-bomb starry-eyed fairy tale fictional marriage that pretty much all LBS's create. Post-bomb, the LBS carries the waaaaayyyy over-idealized picture of the M, the WAS carries the waaaaayyyyy over-negativized picture of the M. Eventually, both will move toward a more objective view, but in times of stress, both will swing back out toward their favored fictional view.
oh honey)))))))))))))) big hugs, it's one of those times huh? when the whole thing falls on you like it just happened yesterday? I get you hon, from time to time my mind wants to drag me fully to the past and relieve all that happened, the should'ves could'ves ... remember the allegory of the putting our hands into a jar filled with broken glass? don't revisit the past and expect it to make sense, to be a linear timeline... it isn't... it took me a whole year to realize x lost his way looong ago, before our 6yr old was born, he slowly lost his way for many reasons, our ignorance in keeping a good M was part of it but not the whole reason.
I know you are a woman of faith, and thus you must realize who the main culprit is, the one who was there at the right time to make things as worse as possible, the one who is like a hungry lion looking for someone to devour... You dont' know for sure what would've happened if you would've done the "right" things... whatever that is... of course it is so obvious to you what you "should've" done back then because you are in the present looking back! you had no crystal ball to know the future, you did the best you could've done with the knowledge you had at the time, no one put a gun to his head to find that woman, he opened the door to that, he is an adult who had the choice to say "NO"... but he didn't
No one can blame you for how you handled things back then... today I got a call from my mom... and she hurts for my broken M even more than me because the same things and worse happened to her. My dad went to another city to work back when I was 9 in my country. After a year she got wind that he was cheating on her (perhaps was true) she went wild with grief, she drunk herself to a stupor, had men over the house, just plain lost it, a woman who was very honorable hard working and the best mother around... she couldtn' handle it... and only now do I understand her pain...though I didnt' loose my kids the way she did... after my dad heard that she was drinking and stuff he moved myself and my 2 siblings to live with him... she was left all alone in a huge house, I don't even want to think the pain that brought on her...
I love her and could never blame her for the way things happened, no one can blame you for what happened, the pain we went through tears apart the soul. But you have found your footing, you are just in a bad spot right now, but remember you WILL find peace again. Your life is different, not the ideal you had, but you can again live a new ideal life, one you love with no undercurrent pain. You and me will get the occasional kick in the gut when we hear about their lives with the new women in their lives... but we have the power to live FULL lives the way God intended us to live. They were part of our lives but NOT the culmination of our lives, how many single people full happy lives on their own?
It will take some give and take to co-parent (I'm looking back and remembering my kids crying and upset when gf lived with x) it was hard and sad but things have improved, no more crying (except when gf combs d6 hair) not will work the way we want... if x and I agreed on everything we wouldn't be separated, but we dont' agree and our lifestyles are different, keep that in mind honey, not all will work out smoothly nor the way we think it's supposed to.
Ok, I'll shush now. Feel free to vent vent vent on my inbox at FB, hugs))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
