Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
I'm sure there are plenty of men out there who where taken by surprize when their w up and filed for d. Maybe their w was/is having an a to add on top of the confusion. Your r seemed fine and then all of a sudden wham. Those are not the men I am questioning.

I've been with my h for 20 years, 12 of them married. I found this site when h had his ea with ow and moved out wanting a d. Eventually he came home and there was a short honeymoon period where I believed things were going to get better. Things didn't get better. They got worse with each passing year. No matter how many letters I wrote, converstaions I had, actions I took, 180's I did... My h just didn't seem to get it..or claimed to get it and that things would improve only to fall right back into his old unproductive ways. After years of struggle I finally made the decision that this m was unhealthy for me and therefore unhealthy for the children and filed for d.
Suddenly h is going to c and trying to improve his life and wants nothing but to prove to me that the way he has behaved for the past decade plus is no indicator of how the rest of our lives could be if I just give him the chance. I'm expected to believe that this time will be different (he wont go back to his old ways) because well this is "it".

If it took me filing for d to get him to "get it" if he in fact gets it that just seems wrong to me.

so many on this site ask WTH is wrong with the waw what is she thinking..I'd like to know WTH is wrong with the men in this world that despite all warning they'll let their m fall to a point where the only solution seems D and then when their w files they suddenly claim willing to do the work to repair it?

LL

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,041
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,041
I'd love to reply to this one...so I will!

I wish it hadn't taken my wife leaving me for me to become a better man, a better father, and a better partner...but it did...and I am!

I had my head so far up my own a$$ that I didn't know how miserable and unhappy she was. I was selfish and self-centered. I had insecurities, that had nothing to do with her, that caused me to feel inadequate and unlovable...and unfortunately I vented at my wife in the form of anger, verbal abuse, and resentment.

Prior to her leaving, her 2x4's to my head weren't swung hard enough (because of my hard head) to get my attention.

I don't know if I'll get a chance. But I am a better man, and a better father, and a better partner than I have ever been in my life. I made these changes because they needed to be made...period! I didn't make them for ANY other reason.

I'm sure that every situation is different...but there are more similarities here on this board than maybe we realize too!

I wish you success lostlove.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
In perfect agreement with Antlers there, and just sum it up to cliffnotes: the M was taken for granted, you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Unfortunately most men are thick headed (there's some women out there too the same).


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 100
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 100
Agreed with what both above posters said - I took M and W for granted was too busy wasting my time doing stupid things - being self-centered and jealous, and I am so thick headed that the 2x4 warnings that the W gave me didn't do much good(I think my head actually broke the 2x4). The next ones hurt - and because of them I am becoming a better man, father and hopefully husband.


Me 35
W 30
S 3
M 7 : T 13 yrs
Separated 2/20/09
My Story
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
so if you now suddenly understand that you were not being a good husband/father inspite of your w's attempts at getting you to see BEFORE she decided to file or tell you it was over why do you expect that now she'll believe you will behave any differently if she continues to stay m to you?

Seems men need that game of cat and mouse...ingore us when we want you but when we are fed up and don't want to be with you anymore that's when you'll pull out all the stops to get us to stay..as soon as we accept and want to be with you there is no more chase and you resort right back to your old ways.

Why would we want to continue that pattern? And for that matter why would you?

LL

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,041
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,041
Originally Posted By: lostlove
so if you now suddenly understand that you were not being a good husband/father inspite of your w's attempts at getting you to see BEFORE she decided to file or tell you it was over why do you expect that now she'll believe you will behave any differently if she continues to stay m to you?

Seems men need that game of cat and mouse...ingore us when we want you but when we are fed up and don't want to be with you anymore that's when you'll pull out all the stops to get us to stay..as soon as we accept and want to be with you there is no more chase and you resort right back to your old ways.

Why would we want to continue that pattern? And for that matter why would you?

LL


There wasn't anything "suddenly" about it lostlove! It was a process, a 'learning' process. I didn't realize the damage I was doing at the time. But I got 'smacked' hard enough to finally realize it! Then I went to work on myself...I learned. I'm now a better man, father, and partner than I've ever been in my life! I made the changes because they needed to be made! Plain and simple...and for no other reason! I don't have any control over what she believes now...I didn't make these changes to change her beliefs! But...I did make them! She can believe what she chooses to believe. I don't 'expect' anything...I just know that I'm a better antlers now! If she continues to stay married to me...she will definately benefit from the changes that I've made. If she chooses to divorce me...then she won't benefit from my changes. Regardless...I will continue to be the man that I should have been all along!

Sometimes, unfortunately, that's what it takes for some of us to realize that we've been screwing up badly! Respectfully, don't mindread! You might have that conversation in your own head, and actually believe that, but that doesn't mean that's the way it is. I'm gonna be the man I should have been all along...no matter what! I'm not resorting back to my old ways! Ever! I have no control over her beliefs...if she chooses to believe that I haven't changed, or that I will resort back to my old ways...I have no control over that! I'm gonna do what I think is right, and she can believe what she will.

I have no desire, or intention, to continue any pattern...nor do I want/expect her to. People can certainly change for the better.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
I think Antlers has learned a very painful lesson. In trying to be unpartial here, I do believe if his W had made up with him and gone back home as soon as he decided to make those changes.....he might not have continued along that path of improvement. But, as long as it is taking her, I am in great hopes that those improvements are going to be for life. If his W doesn't change her mind and they can have a life together, I believe he is going to make a great H for another woman. But isn't it sad that the first W couldn't have that great H for herself? This is not to make you feel bad, Antlers, but I have seen that in many second marriages. Even when the first M was a good one....and the W would die....the H would have "learned" a lot of things from M and by the time he married the second time, he became a better H b/c of what he learned the first time around. One example: I cried so hard when my BIL got M to his second W after my SIL passed away. He was a much better H to the second W than the first. His first W practically worshipped him! His second W wasn't near as good to him. Ironic, isn't it? But....that is just the way we humans are. We have to learn.

In reading LL's post, I know there is much, much pain in what she says. In fact, I've been reading that in most of the posts here. Everyone is hurting. Many LBS's are angry, hurt, resentful, etc.,due to the way they have been done. All WAS are not horrible people, nor are all LBS. Sometimes I start getting too harsh in the way I say things, or I misread some post (like I did the other day) and say something too strong. In fact, there have been times that I had to just back off for a few days in order to take a deep breath and then come back. All of us are here to support each other.....and to learn from each other.

I have had to endure some pretty bad talk about WAW's while I've been here, but I know that for the most part....what is said it the truth. But, like I just told another poster....all LBH's aren't angels. Right? I think the world will never become a boring place with all of us different people who populate it. Do you agree?

Take care,
Sandi



It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
In complete agreeance with Antlers yet again.

And to touch on something sandi brought up, what was your contirbution to the breakdown of the M lostlove? Your H didn't do it all on his own.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Originally Posted By: dday101798
In complete agreeance with Antlers yet again.

And to touch on something sandi brought up, what was your contirbution to the breakdown of the M lostlove? Your H didn't do it all on his own.


I accepted it all. Sure I expressed my dissatisfaction and gave warnings of where the m was going if things didn't change but I didn't file until I had reached a point where I do not believe I can trust or accept him as a true partner.

I am not perfect..no one is but I doubt even my h would be able to give you the kind of answer your expecting.

My h couldn't deal with the pressures of life and instead of coming to me with those pressures and realizing we may have shared the same human fears he found other outlets that took him away from the family ie: OW, Alcohol, Sports, Gambeling etc.

LL

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,566
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,566
Hi lostlove...I appreciate your question, and yes it is a bit perplexing in a case like yours, where you have repeatedly stated what you want and need, didn't get it, finally give up, file for D, and NOW he's willing to work on it...but not before.

But...well...I'd like to ask a few similar questions:

Why does it take an accident resulting in a spinal cord injury and paralysis in order for a man to realize what a blessing it is to walk?

Why does it take a diagnosis of a fatal disease for some people to really be able to embrace and enjoy what life they have left?

Why does it take a close friend dying for you to understand how much that friend meant to you?

Why will we wail to the heavens "if only I could talk to deceased friend just one more time and tell them how much I love them", instead of just telling them that every day while they are alive?

Why does it take your child getting seriously or life threateningly ill for you to realize that you should always exhibit more patience with your child?

Why does it take getting old and all your joints giving out and hurting, before you realize how grateful you should be while you are young and your joints don't feel pain?

Why does it take your car breaking down before you realize how much you should appreciate things like having transportation?

I hope you see my point.

I'm not meaning to downplay your question. I am divorced, and I had to ask the same question, over and over. But that was several years ago now, and I'm finaly starting to get it...this "problem" isn't just about appreciating our marriages, its about appreciating every blessing in your life.

Each day that we take our loved ones for granted and refuse to acknowlegde our many blessings, is a day you will regret in the future. Because no matter who you are, your future WILL include the death of all of your loved ones, possibly long, painful deaths, and other tragedies along the way...until finally, your own death. Why do we wait until we are close to death or until it has already occured, before we realize how very blessed each moment, each breath, each walking step taken on healthy legs, each willful child giving you a hard time....really is?

DQ

Last edited by DanceQueen; 07/09/09 07:03 PM.
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard