This is what I wrote to the IC, for before the meeting:
Quote:
Dear Karen:
I know that Chuck and I are meeting with you tomorrow. I understand that the agenda will be about going forward with co-parenting training. I wanted to give you a little background into where I am, currently, and let you know that I am still working with Sarah. I will actually see her on Monday the 13th.
I am attaching two documents that I wrote, directed to Chuck. The first was never delivered to him (I wrote it with the intent of reading it to him while in a joint session); the second, shorter one, I read to him over the phone. In having some time and space, I don't want to rehash everything that is in the first document with him during this initial session, if ever. It is enough that I know it. The communication that I had with him over the phone, while brief, was very cathartic. I do want to make the point with him that, while I don't hold hatred for him, I do hate what he did. He has never really come clean with his actions, but instead continues to justify it all, that "it had to happen this way," because of me - at this point, I feel like anything that he doesn't like about his life is now my fault, and I am done being the scapegoat.
On the other hand, he seems to wonder why I can't be friends with him, accepting him and his girlfriend and thinking it is all wonderful. He actually accused me of "illegal parental alienation" because I don't promote a relationship between that woman and my children; that it reflects badly on him! Besides the obvious, I have never held values in line with hers, and I hope to minimize any influence she may have on my kids. She never became a close friend to me because of her lack of intelligence, her negative outlook on life (the perpetual victim), and poor parenting skills, even before the affair.
I do hope that you might be able to translate, bridge the gap, referee, whatever, so that things can go a bit more smoothly between us, for the kids. He seems to be clueless as to what effects this has had on them, and again, blames all bad effects on me and how I must be handling things. He simple skips over the fact that he was the cause of my near-unraveling.
I am actually quite comfortable dealing with him via email. Perhaps if he learned a little empathy and understanding, and stopped throwing his other relationship down mine and the kids' throats, I might be able to tolerate more direct communication. I have given up hope in trying to get through to him in any way - his ego can't let him hear a thing I have to say. (Remind me about the recent time I asked him not to put S14 on the spot when he didn't want to ride with her....and then Chuck did, anyway).
grr...IC called to confirm the appt and said she can't promise she would read the email before the session. I don't know if I want to attend if she doesn't read it first.
Maybe I'll bail and leave him to it for the first session...we'll see.
I must be honest and say that your email to the kids IC comes off as wanting to use the IC to do some controlling of your X.
And the part where you take the dig at the girlfriend makes you look a little too judgmental.
You need to both work with the IC so as to find coparenting solutions that the IC feels is best practiced by both you and your X. Bringing up the past or how you percieve your X (dont hate him but hate what he did) accomplishes nothing in moving forward in the best interest of the kids.
I'm not sure about the controlling part. I know that I don't want to listen to any more blame from him, which is one of the reasons I went to email/business only. I also know that any parenting issues that are contested between us, he refuses to hear anything from me, so hopefully she can fill him in on options that are in the kids' best interests. He has told me that he will discount anything that I have to say. I can only hope that he becomes educated - what he does with that is completely up to him.
Judgmental about the gf? He11, yeah. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm being judgmental about her - I don't like her and want her as far from my kids as I can keep her. Her own kids are a mess, and I'd rather protect my kids as much as I can. I am trying very, very hard to handle this whole thing with grace, but it has me at my outer limits.
The last part is because x has a certain impression of me, who I am. That needs to change; I gave up a lot of "power" and standing in his eyes when things went badly - I need to assert that I will not be taken advantage of or lay myself open for him to dump all over anymore in his bid to justify his actions and ease his guilt. The "don't hate him" part is in direct response to him telling me that he was surprised that someone who had become so religious could hold so much hate toward him.
But again, in the end, I plan on speaking very little and listening a lot, especially to the IC.
"I have given up hope in trying to get through to him in any way - his ego can't let him hear a thing I have to say."
No, you haven't, or you wouldn't be trotting out the old stuff for the CO-PARENTING session. This is not about your old-R. This is not about his significant other who WILL be in your children's life for the forseeable future.
If you want him to see a difference, then simply act differently. Don't let him take advantage of you. Stand up for yourself if he starts dumping on you IN THE PRESENT. Trotting out the old stuff is merely more of the same, it will show him the same old stuff, it will be counterproductive.
Respond when it is appropriate at the time -- if he says with the C that you hate him, then clarify it at that point. But quit going back to past stuff.
Right now, your email to the kid's C is all about your agenda about old stuff with X. Drop it. Work on it on your own time with your own C. You will never get what you think you need from X to feel better, you have to find that all by yourself.
Remember, this session is not about yesterday. It is not MC.
Let tomorrow be about the future and about having a better co-parenting R for the kids.
God, maybe I'm just not emotionally mature to deal with this the right way, ever. I don't know what I want. I don't know what to say.
Although it is quieter, this still plays out in my head during every calm moment of my day - when I go to bed, dream, start to wake up...whenever my thoughts wonder.
And I don't want it to, anymore.
And it is hard to live with this failure, my failure. I want to stuff it away somewhere, and I can't, because I still have to deal with him.
I marvel at people who are able to detach, who can DB. Act as if none of it bothers them. How is it that those seemingly looser connections are the only ones who have a hope of surviving this, of reconciling?
Frustration. Tears again. damn it. I hurt, and I don't even know why anymore.
What is it that I am supposed to do, now? Smile and pretend that everything is great? Yay, my husband left me for another woman! Yay, now she wants to pretend that she is their step-mother!! Whoopie, now there are even more people to love my kids - aren't they lucky? Should I pack a picnic lunch for all of us to go out with, or maybe plan another family vacation that we can all go on again, just like old times? Who cares that the partners all got switched around, right? Aren't I lucky that I got to grow so much....I should go in there tomorrow and THANK him for doing this! What bravery he showed to be the first one to act on it! I was just a dolt for not seeing it sooner.
puke. I'm going to bed. unconscious seems to be a safer place.
I just re-read the note I sent the IC. I was giving her background info on where I was, and said that I don't want to go into things with him again during the meeting.
I don't know what all is expected of me at this point. I can give him any info he needs about the kids over email.
I chose the wrong man. I didn't push when I should have. I didn't continue to grow but let myself get mired and comfortable. I glossed over things that were important. I loved the wrong man, and I loved him poorly. I became only part of a person, dependent on another. I made substitutions to meet my own needs. Everything that I thought was so right, almost perfect, was wrong. My happiness was wrong.
When everything went to hell, I couldn't detach, reacted in every way that every bit of advice told me would doom the marriage. I lost control, and almost lost my sanity and my life.
I lost my dreams, and those I had for my kids.
And I couldn't fix it. So now I have to live for a forever-wrong. And just make do as best as I can. Wasn't it enough that I had the forever-wrong childhood, live and learn and move on?
Everything that I feel and think about this, even the thinking about it, itself, is wrong.
I just want to drop the whole thing off the side of a cliff somewhere, turn around and walk away from it all. But how do you do that when it is something that is inside you, something you can't get away from?
This is depression talking. You did better during the school year when you had work and school to ground you. I don't have answers for you, but I don't believe any of that stuff above. You didn't do everything wrong. You are in a bad time now, but honestly you are a very capable person and you have been succeeding very well at taking care of your children and functioning as a single parent. I think the idea of facing him in a counseling session is scaring you. Don't go if it is too much pressure. But stop being so down on yourself. You have come a long way in a short time.
Yes, it will be over. You are having a bad night because you know you will have to deal with X tomorrow. It is normal. You are OK.
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone gets some things right.
You are doing very well these days, just circling back a bit, but the circle is much smaller. It won't be much of a dent. You'll see.
In the meantime, quit dumping on yourself and fine a truer narrative. You are a strong, loving, intelligent, talented, compassionate woman that was in a marriage that didn't work very well. That is not uncommon. It certainly doesn't make for a "forever wrong."
So, stop the self-indulgent self-berating. Give yourself a big hug and drect some of your compassion and strength toward taking care of the scared freaking-out Donna. Can't you see why she hurts so much? Give her comfort.
