Seperated

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Remembering a little more of Sunday's conversation -

W had said she wants to take some of S3's toys with her this week to her mothers. Asked her why, she said because he is only here 4 days out of the month - every other weekend. Told her well that was what was agreed upon with lawyers and visitation. Looking back that was a bad answer - I got the well you know you can always call and come and get him whenever I want.
Talk about being in shock at that point - think the only reason I never did was for fear of her complaining that its not my time to see him and telling me that I can't.

Other part of this conversation was that she wants to come over during the week this week to straighten up and clean the house up. Not that its a mess - she was unhappy with the amount of toys that S3 has out in his bedroom and playroom.
OK, I will admit I could've straightened them up put them away, but that is his mess, and to be honest the mess kinda gives me a sense that he still plays there all the time.
Rest of the house is neat and clean - I guess taking care of the rest of the house and all the yard work isn't enough - she complained that I have time to go bike riding.

Looks like anything I do she will find a negative in it for something - try to follow her wishes - she finds fault, and on the other hand go against her wishes would seem like pressuring her.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

I just watched Fireproof, the movie really hit home with me.

What I was wondering is if anyone thinks that I should "lend it" to my W as a way of suggestion that she watch it?

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Today is now the 4th day of no contact with W. Yes I have tried to contact her, my calls just go to her voice mail. Left her a message once that if she feels like talking to give me a call back.

Couple of days ago, from upstairs window, I could picture W and S3 playing in backyard and running around swing set, it seemed so real, I almost thought they were there for a minute, it wasn't a memory of the past. This is getting ruff again now, I know what I want in my future, I only wish that I had realized all my faults earlier and had read the books that I have since read. Since I can't change the future, all I can do is pray that it all wasn't a waste and attempt to build a better today and tomorrow.

Looks like my W is going to try and get the divorce over as fast as possible, I'm going to continue to work on me, PMA, GAL, and try harder to detatch. And continue to have a fun with S3 when he is with me. Since one of her complaints last time we spoke is that I don't make more of an effort to see him, I am going to try and get him at least 1 or 2 days during the week for a few hours after work.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Hope everybody had a great 4th!

Well its been an interesting couple of days here. Yesterday since I was off for the holiday, and found out W had to work, thought I would be nice and bring her a cup of coffee and donuts for everyone she works with(this is a 180 for me). Went Ok, she was a little mad at me for doing so. I just took a deep breathe and listened to what she said. Went on my way and enjoyed the sunny day.
After she got out of work, I was at home cleaning house, getting ready for S3 to come home from vacation. Heard dog bark over vacuuming - went to door didn't see anything - turned around and W snuck up behind me - scared the s&*t out of me. She came to discuss us and what she wants - she asked me if I really think it can work out - I told her I do - and asked her to give me time to prove it. She didn't fully agreed and then brought up the lawyer - and said that she would consider putting D works on hold - but I better not slip up and be the old me.
We talked for about an hour - She told me about a party at cousins that she was already late for - told her to have fun and be careful. She initiated a hug goodnight and it was a long tight hug - one that I haven't felt from her in a long time.

That brings me to Saturday morning - me up at 7am - phone rings at 8am - W is calling - asks if I am up - yes - Is it OK if I come in? Didn't register at first until I heard the knock at the door. She partied with cousin till about 3 - passed out and then came here. She wanted to help clean up S3 toys and put some away before he came back today. We talked during the day - she told me she wants things to work out, but is also scared - I can understand that - she asked me what has caused the change in me all of a sudden - had fun explaining to her that I am fighting for her and to keep our family together, and finding out who I am at the same time. She said to me will you dance at cousins wedding in October with me(i never dance - told her I will and I will as part of my 180s). We talked about what each of us had been doing since separating - she told me about a date she went on - and that she really wasn't interested in the guy after spending time with him - although she did say they do talk daily. I told her I started riding mountain bike again - and she asked who the bike that i was riding belonged to - orginally told her a friend to avoid conflict over buying a new bike - admitted to her it is mine and the price of it - I could see a bit of relief in her face - like she was hoping or thinking i would continue to cover it up.

She then told me to plan a short getaway - similar to retroville or a couples thing if I was serious about M and working things out. Boy was I shocked considering I had already looked into it for if/when the time may be right. I told her the only way that we can work this out is if nothing from the past is ever brought up no matter what, and that she can talk to other guys like the one she went out with - but not on a daily basis. She agreed.

When it was getting time to pick up S3 from airport, she asked what I was doing for dinner - I wasn't sure at this point. She took out some steaks, and said she would run up to store and get some veggies(her choice (I'm not a veggie person - but since all of this I try everything(180) also helping me get in shape) to go with them and we will have a barbecue. Ok now I started stressing a little - 4+ months no really interaction and now she wants to have dinner and go watch fireworks after. All I could do is keep PMA and act as if nothing was uncomfortable about the situation. She even wanted to go for ice cream afterward, she dropped S3 and I off at home - no contact just a good night - told her to call so I know she got home safe.

She did and said she would talk to me in the morning. I'm actually looking forward to the morning to see what she says.

Oh and just so you know - I have been using a bit of the DB'ing techniques, but at the same time I am also trying The Love Dare. The movie really had a large impression on me - a lot of similarities with my stitch, figured I can;t get any worse off the where I am.

[bluerain]

Wow. I really hope that you can stick with your 180's. Jealousy is a terrible thing. To feel like you have to defend your virtue is a really nasty feeling for a woman to have. It destroyed one of my favorite relationships. I hated feeling like I wasnt trusted. I started to change my behavior because the awful fight and constant phone calls werent worth the evening of fun that I would have with my friends. I really hated how I let his inability to trust change me. I definately think that you should seek help for this if its still a problem for you.

I really think that you need to move slowly, and dont recommend fireproof to her, maybe have it around, and if she asks about it tell her, but I think that you trying to get her to see it would put pressure on her, not what you want to do right now. I would work on re establishing friendship, not repeating old behaviors that you know dont work.

If she pulls away now, dont pursue her. If she doesnt answer the phone leave a message and wait... and wait some more if you have to. Keep things business like and be positive, make positive changes for yourself, and wait for her to notice.

I would recommend going over to peicing and see if you can garner some advice from there.

[orangedog]

Bluerain. I'm in A-town. Should meet up if you're there.

[bluerain]

Orangedog, Thats funny! I am down near Homer. I have been up there about once a week for the last 2 months, long drive! I was trying to find a job up there, hasnt worked out yet!

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Wow. I really hope that you can stick with your 180's. Jealousy is a terrible thing. To feel like you have to defend your virtue is a really nasty feeling for a woman to have. It destroyed one of my favorite relationships. I hated feeling like I wasnt trusted. I started to change my behavior because the awful fight and constant phone calls werent worth the evening of fun that I would have with my friends. I really hated how I let his inability to trust change me. I definately think that you should seek help for this if its still a problem for you.

I really think that you need to move slowly, and dont recommend fireproof to her, maybe have it around, and if she asks about it tell her, but I think that you trying to get her to see it would put pressure on her, not what you want to do right now. I would work on re establishing friendship, not repeating old behaviors that you know dont work.

If she pulls away now, dont pursue her. If she doesnt answer the phone leave a message and wait... and wait some more if you have to. Keep things business like and be positive, make positive changes for yourself, and wait for her to notice.

I would recommend going over to peicing and see if you can garner some advice from there.

Thanks for the advise Bluerain. Yes the jealousy is the hardest thing that I am coping with at this point - I'm working on it with using a lot of patience - thinking about every word before I say it and the effects that it will have.

I didn't suggest she watch the movie, but the case was laying out - she picked it up and looked at it briefly, didn't say anything.

Sunday, we spoke briefly about what each of us did for the day. This morning I sent her some balloons to her job to let her know that I was thinking about her. She called me at work, thanked me, and said that I am really confusing her. Not want I want to do - she also said she wants to know why I am doing everything I am doing - couldn't answer her just thought to myself that I finally realized to stop fighting with her and fighting for her
She also mentioned that I was still wearing my wedding ring - I could hear a happy tone in her voice - almost like she was glad that I haven't taking it off the last 4-5 months.

When she called at work today she brought up the issue of possibly Retrouvaille, before the end of the month. She asked me too look deeper into it and make arrangements. Told her that I would and have a great day at work, and I would talk to her whenever. She also said to me are you sure that we can work this out, and be together - I reaffirmed her that I know we can, and she said are you going to go out and have fun and dance with me - I told her that yes I will(not something I ever did before) - one of my 180s that I promised to myself is that given the chance I will take her out and dance - no matter how foolish I look - what do I care what others think - I have a great woman with me.

It seems like this may be a ruff part of a roller coaster ride coming up, I have a feeling that it will be a minute by minute conversation depending on what kind of moods she goes through. I'm almost scared of the way that I think things may flip-flop in her mind and me not catching it faster enough to realize the mood changed.

I am still keeping my PMA, working on myself and doing my 180s(she was actually impressed that i was getting back in shape and even lifted my shirt to see the shrinking beer belly).

[LitlHopeAlwys]

No contact with W on Monday - tried to call last night to see how S3 liked camp - got voice mail - mailbox full - unable to leave a message - that's ok she would still know I called from caller ID.

She sent me an email today - suggestion a anger management group in the city - starts in 2 days - and she also included in the email a "Couple Enrichment One-Day Retreat: Become More Connected and Re-Ignite Your Love" with the same company that is in a week and a half.

Called them - Unfortunately its too late to join the group anger management (yes i do/did have an anger problem that I have been working on with IC) But I could get a one-on-one session to do the course which I am seriously thinking about joining - just waiting for receptionist to get back to me with counselor schedule.

W said she would let me know later if she wants me to sign us up for the couples on. I'm not going to pressure her - since it was her suggestion - I'm hoping that she still wants to do it.

Just going to give her time and space - nothing more has been said by her about putting the D paperwork on hold with her lawyer since the weekend. Time and patience, and I'll wait and see what happens.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

There's been little communication between the W and I since the weekend. Talk about being confused at this point. Over the weekend the W and I were talking about working on us, discussing making changes around the house, and even refinancing the house to a lower rate. She had even mentioned talking to her L to put the D process on hold. Now it seems like she doesn't want anything to happen.

She did say that she needs to see changes in me - suggested to me yesterday joining an anger management group - so I start Thursday, and have to do 4 hours of make up classes over the weekend with counselor to catch up to the group. Yes I do/did have an anger issue - I have been working on it in IC over the past few months.

I haven't planned the trip that she asked me to yet, although I did look into her suggestion of Ocean City, MD. It looks like it will be a lot of fun.
The only reason that I am hesitating on planning the weekend getaway is because I do not know if she put the D works on hold.

I'm also going to try and start seeing my S3 more - going to try and spend some week nights with him for dinner.

I asked the W out on a dinner date - she said she would think about it - I have to reschedule on her since I asked her for tomorrow and that's when I start group therapy.

I guess what I really could use some advise on right now, is do I ask her what is happening with the D, if she put it on hold or if she is still pushing it forward??
I don't want to pressure her, and at the same time I don't want to backslide. I feel like I have made baby steps in out stitch and would like to continue moving in the right direction.