Still Wondering How To Handle Things!!

[kissak]

WEll, my last thread locked....

You know you guys were saying that I should just go to tkd next week and find someone to talk to...think I will do just that...maybe even find a guy to talk to..lol

H has the kids tonight. He was invited to a cookout at his cousins..He was acting different today. Wanted to give me a hug when he saw me...he got drunk last night I know, he said he was very bored.

I had a pretty good day though! Trying to keep it going! Gonna take the kids to the beach tomorrow...I know its probably a bad Idea since it is the 4th, but gonna do it anyway!

Hope you all have a great weekend!!!

[mdoodles]

good for u, keep up the positive attitude! the beach works for me, i went monday and yesterday.

get there early, since it will be crowded. the sun shining and the kids playing and the people watching are good distractions and will definitely help your mood!

[Sanderika]

Hi kissak....

Just stopping by to say hello....I just finished reading your last thread.

Your H is still riding smack on the center of the MLC fence like mine. Why is it if we are living our lives alone as they created, do we still have the ability to drive them crazy with jealousy? We are not their concern any longer. Right???

I have also come to realize that H doesn't want me (right now)all the while he wants to make sure I am not moving too far in the opposite direction. I think they create a denial about their feelings for us. I think it is a product of their own fears.

I got my a$$ chewed on my cell voice mail last Saturday am (8:25am) cause H couldn't reach me on any phone. I didn't take the bait. When I finally got around to checking phones (3:30pm), I simply sent him a text that said..."sorry I missed ur call" I then addressed his question about son and left it at that. He got....No Hello, No Goodbye, No Defending, No anger, I simply said sorry because I am polite and kind and I would have said that to anyone.

On Sunday nite at 11:15pm H sends me a text that reads:

Question: prior 2 me movin out, what did you dislike about me the most, B honest, take ur time 2 answer

You know we have been around this barn a few hundred times in the past 47 months. I asked him why the question now and he said "it's all about self-improvement." Huh? I still wonder why. Huh? Self-improvement for who? Me? OW? I have not replied yet.

They do not know what they want rather they know what they don't want. That is to come home to like it was. They are untrusting that things have changed.

They appear to not want us or the marriage or family they created. This is denial and fear.

They will not stay away from us or let us go or move on making their choice permanent. This is also fear based and unsurity of their own wants.

They want to know our every move and with whom we spend our time.
This way they know if they have the option to return when it suits them if it ever does.

They are selfish in that they expect us to be waiting breathless for their next contact and are angry at us for not waiting. They are selfish and still trying to control the sitch.

They are miserable. I don't think they are one bit happy. This they have yet to learn.

I have exactly 19 days to go until our 6 month D proceeding postponement ends. We have a court schedule for Friday, July 24th @ 9:30am. I am very scared and anxious.

I can't almost function because I am so worried. I am not sure what his next move will be, I can guess that it will be another postponement. H is still with OW. I am sure they have been together for the entire holiday weekend.

I have been alone this weekend. I took my son to summer camp last Weekend and I pick him up the 11th. I am quite sad.

I am so glad that you and your children had a wonderful vacation at the beach. I love the beach. It is a wonderful thing to live close enough to it to enjoy it. I am in Maine, remember. The water here isn't so enjoyable as it is in the Carolina's. IT's still refreshing to be near the water and smell the fresh air.

I am always sad that our H's cannot enjoy their families and take pleasure in seeing joy on the faces of their kids. The beach is one of the things kids enjoy the most.

You know...we are truly fortunate that we have our kids. They are the ones losing out on the magic of seeing childhood through the eyes of our kids. I try to remember that that is a place they choose to be. SOOOOOOO SAD......

Harry Chapin's song "Cat's in the Cradle" describes the relationship my Son has with his Dad to a "T". I am powerless to rectify the sitch between them. It has been this way since our son was born.

On that note, now that I am depressing, I will close....

I am thinking of you and wanted you to know....

I hope your 4th of July weekend has been full of fun, light-hearted and memorable (in a great way)!!!

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika

[kissak]

Thanks Mdoodles and Sanderika....the beach was wonderful! I went with my best friend and her 2 kids too. The drive to the ocean is about an hour from where I live, so we left around 8 that morning so we could beat the crowds...I love the beach, and youre right, it is a good distraction from life at home...I enjoyed my kids and they enjoyed the beach...I really wanna take them more often, but the days seem so busy.

Sanderika, so much of what you say about your H and marriage, I see in mine, just like I see the same in Mdoodles and so many more here. It is like they are scared to let us go too far, but act as if they dont want us. Im sure it is fear of the unknown for them. My H has hardly spoke this weekend, but then when he does, it is him saying "you must be busy". He only says that if I dont text him much. Which I honestly dont do as much anymore. He doesnt have a OW right now, but he just seems like he is more distant lately.

I honestly believe he thinks that I am talking to someone because Im not texting him much anymore. I think he is worried that he losing me, but what does he expect???

There is still no Sep papers or anything, honestly I think he will keep it that way for as long as I dont say anything about them....you know, just in case he changes his mind....again.

[Sanderika]

Hi kissak,

How have things been this week.

Maybe your H is more distant because he thinks you have found someone new.

There are two choices (maybe):

EITHER continue with the avoidance of H, no contact. See where it takes him/you....it may take some time as he needs to think this through and process his moves.

OR do a 180 and test the waters, ramp up the contact and see if H is drawn back. You say he isn't seeing someone. Perhaps he needs to feel wanted by you again and waiting to see what you do. Maybe he wants more but is afraid to approach for fear you have truly moved on.

You know I don't have the answers. If I did my sitch would be in a better place. It's just somthing to think about. You see I think about this all 24/7 and I am an analyzer.

No S or D papers is good. As long as those don't come your way, you have options. I think it's time for something new. Try to come up with a new plan. I am assuming you still want H back at home. I am wondering how H would respond if you were to open the door a bit wider. I think your chances are better since there is no current OW.

I can't take my own advice because OW is still smack dab front and center. OW is at the office right now with my H. I am practically sick to my stomach. I have 15 days to go before court. I can't sleep well and eating is becoming difficult. My anxiety is so strong right now. I don't see H making any significant changes and I really don't see him asking for another postponement.

((((HUGS to you)))) Take care....keep posting. We can try and help each other.

Sanderika

[kissak]

Sanderika, Im sorry for your anxiety....I hated feeling that way some days...still do.

I dont think I could open the door any wider for my H though. He asked yesterday of ideas of ways he could make extra money....I told him he didnt want to hear my ideas, but he pressed till he got the only one i had. I told him that he could move his a$$ back home. He replyed "thats only one idea".

Well, last night he came to bring the kids home. He stood around for quite a while. I knew what he wanted. SOmething I was not gonna give him! So, even after he left, he picked about it a little. I know he wanted sex. I just werent interested. Not just for sex. I dont like feeling like thats all im good for to him.

WEll, last night I was on FB for awhile. And this girl that my H and I both have as a friend, she posted something and my H made an innocent comment. Well, this guy I went out with once commented after my H and called him a "geek". I made the stupid mistake to laugh. I know he was just joking, this guy use to work with my H and they pulled pranks and joked on each other all the time. Evidently My H was a little sensitive last night about it. He texted me wanting to know if I was having fun picking on him....ok..so I called and apologized and told him he should have just went with it and called the guy a dork or something. He was just joking around....they were both being childish in a way. Anyway, the rest of the night, my H kept asking me if I was playing on the computer? He even tried to change the subject and talk sex again. I got tired of it and called it a night.

Well this morning, My H calls me to tell me he hopes he woke me up! I said no...why? He said cuz he didnt sleep good last nite. So the texts this morning have been about "why I didnt seem interested in him last night?"

Ok...im wondering if he is jealous that maybe i am moving on. Maybe because I dont seem interested in him he thinks he is losing...maybe he is afraid. I dont know. He is just acting in a mood today. Or like a child.

I mean, where does it get me acting interested in him, when days later he is acting interested in someone else? How do I move on or forward when he wont let me go, but WONT come home!!!

Help! I dont know what to say anymore to him. Its like things just arent going that easy between us right now.

[Sanderika]

Kissak,

I have stated I don't have the answers...maybe think about this:

Maybe opening the door to a sex life with H will open other doors for the two of you as well.

You say H isn't with OW right now or anyone else for that matter. Isn't it possible with the contact H is making that H is truthfully realizing what he's lost. Perhaps he is just playing more of the same game, then again maybe not?

I think that H is a little sensitive right now with the whole FB story. Perhaps if kissak were to ramp up the attention and make H feel wanted and loved you could turn things around. Maybe H is vulnerable right now and the timing would be right. You could do some 180s. Be the greener grass, show H good times. Treat him well, speak to him softly and compassionately.

It's a way to test the water...You know, give it one last shot. If this ends up being a game H likes to play...Cat Catches the Mouse, Plays, Dumps, Leaves Wounded, Replay....you know the rest of the game, then file for a legal separation or divorce. Totally take it to a place that will stop him in his tracks.

I am not saying to just jump right into bed with him. Play him, tease him, ramp it up. Show H a side to kissak that intrigues him. Show him you are fun. Give him something that will make him want to be around. Take your time and when the time feels right let him have you. See if there is one more chance to save your marriage.

In my sitch, and I know others here totally disagree with having sex with the WS, it has kept my marriage alive. Without the sex being great we would not have re-created our friendship. I understand we are not back together, however we are a heck of a lot closer than we were 47 months ago. It has been a gut wrenching ride I will never forget. I know in my heart, H is having a hard time leaving me because he likes me and well...It's hard to leave someone you have re-connected with.

Kissak, try and rekindle the connection. Isn't it worth a try?

You have come too far to give up without seeing what is going on this time. Perhaps H is in a different place than before(?)

Just something to think about....I might be way off the mark. If I am I am sorry.

You know I am worried about what my H is going to do in court. I am also not sure what I am going to do. I might just be ready to follow through. I am getting closer everyday, like you I am in a much stronger emotional place than I have ever been. It could be H being left in the dust by Sanderika(!)(?)

I will watch for your thoughts....

Sanderika

[kissak]

Sanderika...I have to say that sex is something that has been a part of our separation. I have been down the road before with him. He isnt wanting sex to reconnect. He only wants it cuz its been a while. I havent posted it before but about a month and a half ago He came over when the kids werent here and spent the night with me..Said he was looking for some passion. It was a great night, but he left me the next day and went back to being distant. It hurt me. I felt like he was only taking care of his needs. That has happend alot over the last few years and I feel that maybe withdrawing from him on the sex part is something i need to do for ME....for at least a while. Not to try to get him to come home, but for my sanity. To show that I am not going to be used.

I dont know everything about this, its all trial and error most days. I do still try to be loving and kind to him. I talk when he needs to, I treat him like a good friend....

having sex with him though, gets me know where...but hurt again.

[Sanderika]

I understand....

Just thought I would throw out the idea....

Sex with my H is good for both of us....here it has brought us miles closer. I do not know if it will ultimately bring us to the same place though.

Maybe it's time to drop the rope in your sitch. You seem to be in a place where you aren't scared of a S or D. If you try and cut H loose in that way, you will get your real answer.

I am trying to focus my energy right now on my own decision I have to make in the next few days. I think it's time I dropped the rope here. If I don't I fear nothing will significantly change. Something has to change.

It's hard, we are going to have to 180 in another direction most likely. It's not what we want. Someone else said here that it will either get us what we want or it will follow through and be done. What is, is.... It's all possible at this point in time nothing we do pre-S or D is going to bring them home. If that's the case why keep trying to achieve what cannot happen?

I am sooooo sad for us....we are wonderful ladies, we deserve H's who want us 100%.

Got to go, I am crying....

S

[mdoodles]

i think the 3 of us are in the same position...its so hard....

i wonder what would happen if we all dropped the rope and proceeded legally?

would it matter? would it wake them up?

since i know i would be doing it to wake him up and not because i want it, i know i cant do it.

dont know about u guys....