Hey, Ali, Just wanted to say hello and I am following along; no advice as I feel out of my depth in piecing, but I am rooting for everything to go well for you! I don't blame you at all for being uncomfortable about the carpooling with the secretary, but I am afraid I have no clue what would be the optimal way for you to handle it with him.
I gotta say, I for one miss you over in MLC; I have been posting copiously lately and only getting a little feedback...! Possibly I have put everyone reading my thread to sleep.
In case I didn't say so before (sorry, it's 5 a.m. here, my brains are slightly scrambled and I can't remember), congratulations on your degree! Hope things are improving for you day by day!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I hope you've been out enjoying the gorgeous weather. I wish it'd always be like this!
It was good chatting the other night. I totally understand those MIL problems- just the same as mine. Do you think BF will say something to her? I think it'd be important for him to do so if he's ready, both to defend your R (it must have been really hard for you) and for his own manly development.
I understand the MIL issues too. My family in law had no boudaries like that. My MIL used to come into the room shouting(she shouted a lot) first thing in the morning knocking as she came in. I tell you what stopped them dead from ever doing it again was when MIL came in shouting at us and I said 'I'm sorry, I need to get up and put some clothes on' and she didn't do it again lol. It was priceless! It was like a huge 'ohhhhhhh' moment.
I bet Cornwall is just lovely with the warm, gorgeous weather!
Hey kids! Thanks for sticking with me, I cant post so much these days and I have spent lots of hours online looking for a job, a nightmare in this climate, its taken me a MONTH to find one. I finally got a decent job though, to set up an electronic office system for a national charity at their Cornwall division, seems they still do everything by paper at the moment (amazing!! How did they manage that in this day and age?).
Rob, thats a good point, he was never open about Helen, he hid he worked with her. I was honest about having some fears about the 22 year old and he sweetly (and shouldnt have) offered to NOT carshare with her if I preferred, I said of course not! that wasnt the solution, we just need to be open with one another...
Dawn, I do read along, but maybe you should post a shorter summary to ask for advice on certain things that people may be able to help with? I think you are doing great though!!
Hey Kat and Julia and hi Lisa, yes it was lovely chatting with you too! So we had some more convos about the MIL. BF thinks she is fragile.. he wants desperately to talk to her, even about herself (as he says she is alienating people by being so self involved and negative and attention seeking).. so he IS self aware about her and their dynamic too (her being jealous of me and leaning on him too much ect).. BUT, she's his Mum and his Dad has already died.. so I can see its all a bit tricky. Shes a nightmare, but she can be very sweet and of course he loves her, so so far, he keeps AVOIDING confronting her, but does want to at least.
As my BFF said though, is he not aware of HIS boundaries? He is becoming more so and we talked about that, what he can do to make changes to his R with her, to be more adult, as she is unlikely to change.
So last night he was very huggy and kissy with me, wanting lots of attention (!) and I braved a few comments, but he just sighs and pulls this sad face and kisses my face, but.. says NOTHING. Or just that he feels so bad.. I'm soo sorry, but oh I feel so sh*t now..he even put his arm across his forehead!!! So I teased him, well stop feeling so sorry for yourself, stop being such a drama queen, its not all about YOU you know, what about me!?? And he laughed at that and then gave me lots of kisses, but I still didnt get anything sensible out of him, other than he had wished he had been at my birtday and when I said I had missed him and we didnt speak for 3 months, he just said.. well we're together now, we speak all the time now! As though that just makes it all alright. Which I suppose it does, largely.
Theres still so much unsaid, theres an 18 month sized whole in our R, but I see signs of improvement all the time. Like last night, he let slip, very excitedly that he had got me a special present and couldnt wait to give it to me, but it was a surprise.. we then talked about LL (I explained it briefly) and how mine was gift giving and he said, thats mine too !! But I wasnt so sure, I said he was Acts of service and he really liked that and agreed wholeheartedly. But he was totally happy to discuss LL's ! Cool hey?
So.. I still dont quite now how to get him to understand I need more than "I'm sorry".. when he says it now, I calmly state, yes, I know that... Or, do I give up waiting/hoping/expecting and as Cyrena once said, wait another year and he will open up naturally about the past!?
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hi, Ali, you sound like things are getting better, despite some bumpiness! I'm glad for you! I'm afraid I don't have lots of wisdom to impart to you, as you are ahead of me on the path at this point, but I am rooting for everything to go well for you!
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenly
Dawn, I do read along, but maybe you should post a shorter summary to ask for advice on certain things that people may be able to help with? I think you are doing great though!!
You're right, my posts are ridiculously long sometimes, and I was a little embarrassed when I read this because I just finished posting one of those loooooong entries on my thread. I guess it is because I am no longer journaling privately on paper, as I don't feel the need to do so these days, but apparently there is still some sort of craving to talk about it a lot or I wouldn't have such mega-mongo posts, eh? I will try to shorten things up a bit (okay, "a bit" probably wouldn't do the trick...)!
Good for you for getting another job! I am hearing a lot of suggestions that I should get one myself, and I'm kind of discouraged by the job market before I've even decided to try! So congrats on finding one.
I was reading your post again and something struck me about the MIL sitch, and him having difficulty being an adult and standing up to her (my interpretation of what you said, no offense meant)...maybe this is an example of the LBS (you) having grown a lot during the separation, and the WAS (him) having stayed in the same place, or perhaps even regressed? Did he have this sort of issue with MIL before he went into la-la land? Just a thought...
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I know you want answers and more than a 'sorry'. Knowing 'why' it happened in the first place and what went so 'wrong' for your BF that he looked elsewhere for a while, is natural. I know for me it helped so much because it made me feel I could ensure those 'triggers' didn't happen again. If you can approach it with him that way and explain it like that maybe he will open up more.
I mentioned this to you before......it took a whole year before out of the blue I got what felt like a proper 'sorry......what the bloody hell was I thinking of.....I don't know what happened to me' statement.
I also know that resentment would come to the surface in me every now and then and I would want to twist the knife to make my H feel guilty. It's all about how the power/ balance in the R changes. For so long it felt like he had the power over it and now it was in a state of flux. I imagine at some point you will feel that you are the one with the power and then gradually it resolves itself.
As I am sure you are aware, it's not uncommon for the LBS to think at this stage about actually throwing in the towel.....they have won back the prize and now they can show them they aren't worth having. It doesn't sound at all like you feel like that, but it isn't uncommon to feel.
Ali, you need to see that things are moving rapidly for you compared to most on the piecing board. I was lucky and they did for me to BUT it also still took a whole year for a REAL HEARTFELT '[censored] , what did I do?' from my H.
Congrats on the job and the way you are handling things. MIL's are always tricky things.....I just keep the hell away from mine!!!!!
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Yes, hurray for the job!! I wish I could tell you more of what to do with your MIL. I used to get along very well with mine until about a year and a half ago we had a ugly fight. She wouldn't talk to me after so I apologized through FIL but either she didn't want to hear it or even never told her. I felt she should apologize too but I guess she isn't big enough to do that. Better off now anyway that they invite his gf to "family" events.
Give it time with BF. Try to address things as they come up so that the resentment doesn't build. Time is what this is going to take.
You are doing so good! Hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Congrats on the job sweets!!! You are moving fast with him, arent you? Did he move in yet, or did you? (dont recall what you finally decided)... Trip to Greece still on for Sept? Love-missed you K
