Just want some insight

[Stronger]

Hey Trusting,
I read through it, your posts anyways.
I posted this in newcomers for another DBer and wanted to share it with you.

You can do this.
I did it.
My H and I will have been married for 6 years this October and together for 7. We have a three year old.
Last November he said he didn't want to have any more kids. I freaked. Then he said he wanted a break, that turned into a separation, then he wanted to date other people.
Long story short, yes we were fighting. Neither of us were happy, but he met someone and she was just as emotional needy as my H was. From then until about 3 weeks ago, H and I were up and down. OW was in the picture, then out, then back again. Finally, she just got engaged and right before that and especially when it happened, H hit rock bottom and everyone could hear the thud when he hit bottom.

Since then, we've been not only getting along, but I'm receiving geniune affection that does not lead to ML. He's being thoughtful including a nice day at the beach and dinner at my favorite restaurant for my birthday coming up later this month. He's also invited me as his date to a big night with his friends, his golf buddies.

I wish I had known all I know now that first night he said he wanted a separation.

My mother recently asked me (paraphrased) what would you do if you knew for fact that H would come back to you, sooner than later? What if you knew for fact that he just needs to work through this crazy and will one day again not only be your husband but you will have an even better relationship with him? How would you act right now? What would you do?
The answer: I would live my life and just do things I like, either with or without him but def. with our son. I would even be able to laugh sometimes as I witness the the MLC crazy first hand. I would be able to live.....that's the most important thing I've learned and I wish to God my mother had said this to me months ago. But I have to admit Michelle teaches the same thing....she calls it "Act as If". And you need to do this. It will have a huge impact on you, a great one.

Next, get a life. As you know, we call it GALing here. It's imperative. I did do this as soon as I read Divorce Rememdy and it's truly wonderful and liberating and really, we should all be doing this all the time no matter what's going on in our lives. We all deserve this.

So here's the good news.....My H's EA definitely ended, several times. And when it ended for good, he made a very loud splat when he was slammed dunked by OW. While I was there for him, I asked NO questions. Not one. I made sure everyone in our family was ok, (like his mother and his cousin who is not well, fighting cancer) and then let him have his breakdown. In the end, he came to me....and it was a hard decision, but I figured, Man, I fought this long for this moment and now I just want to smack him. But I won't. This is my H and I will love him, even now.

So wait it out. Patience....you will need lots of it. And I had NONE when this started. Now, I have a lot. I've learned and this experience has at least given me that....patience.

Also, once I finally let go and really was able to detach, after my mother's great questions put it into perspective for me, I was able to relax. I had no expectations for his reactions, his actions, nothing from him. And then, then it happened. He seemed to finally see me again. He started to call just to call. He started to text, just to text. He started to really care and ask me crap like "What do you want to do for dinner?" Or he would compliment me, which he had stopped doing. It all changed and changed fast.

Now don't get me wrong... H and I are NOT out of the woods. We could still stand before a judge and end this marriage....but I'm less afraid of that now and I have a much better idea of what works for me and what doesn't.

Remember, act as if, do things for you and for your family and have no expectations. When it comes to your H and doing things for or with him......my only rule is this: Don't do anything you aren't willing to do for the rest of your life.

And H and I still have our ups and downs. I still contact people here instead of tearing his head off, but I'm much better now and I have truly learned to not make decisions while incredibly mad. That's been huge for me.

[Done in VA]

Snodderly, sorry to hijack here. Would you take a minute to read my most recent thread? I laid out the whole scenario & give me any thoughts. I have read lots of your old postings & would really value your opinion of my sitch.

[trustingfaith]

almost,
That was a great post - thanks! The questions your mom asked were so good. I guess that is the reason I am still here, especially for the kids. I need to show them that it is GOOD not to give up and to fight (albeit "silently" in this case) for something that is worthwhile. I keep trying to remind myself while this seems like it is dragging on forever, a few months or a couple years (or more?) out of a lifetime is not so much.

If you look at my other thread, you will see I feel like I had a setback last night but I have kept quiet for so long . . . it was bound to happen.:)