WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Just more journaling. Not much to post about the situation.

My wife did send me a text early in the morning "Have a good one!" I replied back with "You too!".

It was a very hectic interview schedule. it started at 9;30 AM and did end till after 4:00 PM. Could really read how it went, but I am concerned that I will have to relocate to about 3 hours away. Guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

It was a really long drive back. Ran into a ton of traffic as the heavy rains we got flooded out the highway with mud (VERY unusual). I actually got off the highway to take a break and grab some dinner. It took me almost 4.5 hours to get home.

My wife called me around the boys bedtime when I was 2 minutes from home so I told her that I would just call them back.

I did and chatted with the boys to say goodnite. They were both excited to be coming home tomorrow.

My wife got on the phone after the boys got off and asked how was my drive. I started to tell her but heard our 3 year old was acting up. Since it was after their bedtime, I said "Sounds like you have a lot going on so I'll let you go. Have a goodnite and I'll talk to you later"

I expected her to call tonite, but she didn't. I'm not upset about it to a devestated point, but just a little disappointed.

So a pretty light journaling day with respect to my situation....

[confusedinpa]

It's a good news bad news type of scenario. Looks like I'm going to get an offer for the place that's 185 miles away. It's an attractive offer as it's about a 10% increase from what u was making before.

Problem is how will I see my boys and continue to DR/DB. Or do I just give up working on the relationship and only see my boys every other weekend?

This is a TOUGH decision

Anyone run into this situation before?

[CABBR]

CIP,

Your post seems a little unclear. Are you saying that you've received a job offer 185 miles away representing a 10% increase over your current salary?

If yes, then what is more important to you?

a. 10% more money, which you'll burn in commuting costs and other expenses and if you end up splitting with your W a lot more.

b. Your relationship with your boys.

This isn't even difficult. I'll tell you why. I just had the exact same scenario, but I gave up a job that was going to pay me 22% more in base salary and a lot more in stock and bonus. I declined the offer because I felt I needed to be around my boys as much as possible with my M seemingly headed to D.

[confusedinpa]

The problem is I lost my job 2 weeks ago and just recieved this offer. There are not a lot of positions near my location ( I was the VP of Operations for a 100 million dollar global company). There are only a couple of dozen companies on this area with that profile.

I haven't gotten any response locally and am worried that if I don't take this I won't find something for a while. My severance package will cover me till the end of the year and my savings another 6 months after that. So that's almost a year but will drain everything I have with no guarantee that I will get another offer locally before then.

Question is how do I DB/DR in that scenario, where I'm 185 miles away and only seeing the boys every other weekend?

[Coach]

CIPA, Make sure you talk to your attorney about how this can effect you. Maybe you wouldn't be the one to give up custody. This also can be a good thing for you to get your wife to really talk and work on things. Pray for wisdom and good counsel. You can handle it.
Coach

[confusedinpa]

Thanks coach


The thought had crossed my mind to try to get custody by didn't think that would be the bear for the boys. This is the area they have known their loves and my wife's mom and family are nearby. Where I'm going I will be alone ( I don't have any relatives or friends nearby)

I clearly need to talk to my wife. We have a family dinner planned tonite (her suggestion), not sure if that's the best time to bring it up. I think i'll wait till have have the written offer in hand

Thanks doe your support

[confusedinpa]

The dinner we had tonite went as well as it can be. The kids got in a little bit of trouble as they made a mess out of themselves playing around.

I was in a very upbeat positive mood as, even though it's a good news/bad news scenario, I was glad to get a job offer.

I was very positive but had noticed that something was bothering my wife. Wasn't quite sure of what it was but then she opened up at the end of dinner. She had been reading more of the Science of Success book last nite and it had gotten her down. And her friend's brother's funeral was today. So it was just a downer of a day.

She called me later after I got home with the boys. She told me some tactical stuff, but then started asking abut how the job thing went. Unfortunately, the 3 year old needed some help so I told her that I would try and talk to her later after the boys went to bed.

I called her after they went to bed and she started complaining about her mom then she said how she and her sister had a conversation the other nite talking about her sister's divorce (6 years ago).

Then it turned into a relationship talk that lasted about an hour. She started going on about the "connection" that a husband and wife should have that we don't. I went down the route of the connection doesn't just happen, it needs to be worked on.

She tried the history of hurt route but I stopped her with the I appologized for that already and have learned from it.

Then she went into how she's too afraid to be vulnerable at the risk of getting hurt again to try and create the connection.

So it goes full circle again on the relationship conversation.

This time, I told her that that's something that she needs to work on and think about for herself. As that's a choice that she is making. Right now she feels that way, but feelings do change.

So it was getting late, but I ended the call.

Not a good conversation.

So, how should I respond to "afraid to be vulnerable at the risk of getting hurt again?"

ARGHHHHHHH!!!

This is crappy....

[MrBond]

CIPA,

You respond by not responding. Seriously, you really do talk too much to her still.

Stop with all the useless chit chat already.

[confusedinpa]

I know I have to stop talking to her, but it is hard when we are trading off with kids and my job situation.

I had started out the call with the intent that we talk about the job that I had just interviewed for (I didn't tell her I got an offer). I told her that they want me back up there next Thurs to look at one of the other plants as well as review their financial performance and latest strategic goal planning session. So she knows it sounds pretty serious as I told her that we are meeting because I have questions.

We got into the relationship talk because of how she had a conversation with her sister about her divorce 6 years ago. She said that they had talked about her sister's situation and how it relatest to her.

That's when it wound up full circle into the relationship discussion.

I really don't want to give up on her. I definititely don't want to give up on the kids either. I know many people will say it's not the quantity of time you spend with the kids, but it's the quality. Plenty of kids are growing up seeing their dad every other weekend. I know that they will survive, but is that really the best......

It is tough.

[sandi2]

So, how should I respond to "afraid to be vulnerable at the risk of getting hurt again?"

The very same way you responded to the "history route". Look, she has been over and over this same old thing and she will continue to do it as long as you put up with her yacking. Stop her and tell her that everything in life has a "risk factor" and that nobody gets off scott free. We all take chances of getting hurt if we are going to have "people" in our life. It sounds as if she's wanting to pull you into a further conversation of persuading her to go back to you. It's an old female ploy with men. Don't know how to explain it to a DAM.....

I had just interviewed for (I didn't tell her I got an offer

Don't really want to get into the "whys" of you not being completely open and honest with her regarding your job offer, but I would say that if you've been this way about things in the past.....that is a habit you need to break. It causes "trust" issues in a R. You may not have seen what you said....or "how" you said it as being a lie....but it wasn't completely "right" either b/c you withheld all the truth as it was. You are S in the M, so you did not have to tell her everything at this time, but be careful in the future about how you word things, okay?

That's when it wound up full circle into the relationship discussion.

Yep, it will happen every time b/c she is going to play this same old song each time she can pull you into the R talk. Just refuse to go there with her. When she starts this same old routine....stop her right then and there. Tell her you are not going to discuss it b/c it does not solve anything and does not appear to change anything by dragging it up over and over again. If you have to interrupt her and just tell her you are saying good-bye now......do it. May sound a little rude, but she needs to be broken from this behavior.

I really don't want to give up on her. I definititely don't want to give up on the kids either. I know many people will say it's not the quantity of time you spend with the kids, but it's the quality. Plenty of kids are growing up seeing their dad every other weekend. I know that they will survive, but is that really the best......

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING HERE? YOU ARE TRYING TO CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT MOVING AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE AND CHILDREN WILL BE OKAY! IT ISN'T! THE JOB IS NOT WORTH YOUR FAMILY.

You are so concerned about a "job" until you are putting it before your very own family. Don't do it. You will regret it. How can you "give up" on your boys? You are trying to make yourself believ they will survive and be fine. Survive? But how well will they survive? Survive does not sound good to me. The truth is that they will grow up separated from the full time influence of their father, and will probably have a step-dad to take your place in their life. Is that what you want to happen?