After thinking about our talk last night it's just so f'in frustrating...I think we are going to have one of the nicest D/post D in history. I'm not saying that's a bad thing...
The bad part is there doesn't have to be a D to begin with...In her own words..."I don't WANT a D but I don't see any other option"...WTH the other option work on the M..."I think that would be too hard"...With the way we get along I KNOW it would work...I know or am about 95% certain if I moved back in within a month she would forget about the D...How do I know this SHE SAID IT...
Why won't this woman even consider working on the M? I don't get it...
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Ok, I am going to play devil's advocate. May be really off base, but its what I see.
Your W saying she doesn't want this D, but still is moving forward with it is sort of a cushion. Its much easier to say that than to say "I want a D". It makes her feel less guilty. If she truly was wavering and not wanting a D, she would be doing something about it.
People have come back to healthy M's with way more baggage than yours. There was no infidelity, secrets, or abuse.
Sorry but wanted you to see a different perspective.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
No worries SO2...I do want that different perspective...
I believe she "wants" it, it's the can't see any other way part...Not willing to try is what I don't get. It's not like she wants to date, told me this last night...I started the topic but she agreed it sux to try and start dating after almost 20 years together...We both know we will but aren't really looking forward to it.
Quote:
People have come back to healthy M's with way more baggage than yours. There was no infidelity, secrets, or abuse.
I know that's what is so hard to figure out. Last night she said something like she's had to do everything by herself the last two years and she resents me for that...Told her that was her choice (nicely).
I've accepted the fact we are going to D, no doubt in my mind, I just don't understand it...That's what makes it hard.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
V, your W has some big anger issues.Would she consider IC before making things more difficult?
No...She did that for about a year and stopped...Her reasoning being C's become C's because they have serious issues of their own...She won't consider C of any kind anymore.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Boy, she really does not want to look at herself which is why she won't work on the M - she really blames you and think the only problem in the M is your stuff.
I know I am only hearing your side, but what I read sounds much like I was and I was an angry person who felt everyone in my life left me to be responsible one. I resented that role and yet I kept taking whatever responsibility I could instead of walking away from the stuff that wasn't mine.
Knowing her as you do, is there anyway to reach her, so that she can see and hear herself?
And BTW, let her know that therapists often are people who went through horrible situations and recovered successfully only to want to pass it on to others. If she doesn't like one, she should try another = perhaps a MC with a family systems background. It can help to understand the roles we learn in our family early in life and how we continue them into adult R.
I hear the same thing Kass. Its all VD's fault and she has no work to do. I still don't get her reasons. There is something underlying there and she just may be sugar coating it to avoid conflict and relieve her guilt.
My guess on avoiding counseling is the counselor may point out her issues, her lack of trying, or she may have to fess up that she doesn't want to try. If she wants out she won't want to go to MC.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
she may have to fess up that she doesn't want to try.
She doesn't she told me this...She says it would be to hard and bring up all the old hurt, that's her reasoning. She said we tried with two different MC's and it didn't help, except I point out to her we didn't do the work the MC's told us to do...
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
My exh used to say "there is too much water under the bridge for us to try". I say thats horse pucky! If you want your M bad enough, nothing is too much. Sorry, just seems like a cop out.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
