Sounds like you handled yourself very well in the MC. Sounds like your H us sticking to the WAS script, but it sounds like you have given him some things to think about.
I do regret having done so much talking...I have to say MC is tricky. I have a great friend who has been such a support for me all along the way. We both discuss what I should & shouldn't say before I go. That is how I had already prepared the answer regarding my changes. I knew MC would ask & I didn't want to talk about them!
It's crazy - I have other people telling me to throw in the towel at this point. If I've made all my changes & he still doesn't feel anything, they think that means he is done & always will be.
I figure if it's taken 6 months to break him of his beliefs that people can't change, it's going to take awhile still to get him "on board" with WANTING to feel anything. Plus I didn't work this hard for this long to give up NOW!
Anyone who tells me that he's done, I say - who cares?! He might be done today, but that doesn't mean he'll be done tomorrow. H & I started dating in Sept 96 & I didn't feel like I loved him until Jan. Even in Dec., I was asking my college roommate when she thought I should break up with him! I didn't care about him in Dec, but wanted to say ILY in Jan. If someone would have said in Dec, do you or will you ever love Mr. HVA - I would have said HECK NO! But w/in that one month, something changed. So why would it be any different now?
I keep thinking if he dropped the bomb in Jan & he's STILL in the house & in the same bed...he can't be done, done. If you get what I'm saying. There must be something in him that doesn't want to or know how to take the next step...so until then time is on MY side!
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
It is irritating to think that they're just sitting around waiting for feelings to come back without doing anything to bring the feelings about.
Irritating, but understandable. They are so wrapped up in their own hopelessness that they don't know how, and they're not really motivated to try. All they know is that they WANT to feel good again, and will do ANYTHING to get that back. Anything, that is, except reconnect with the spouse, who they seem to look on as the reason for all their unhappiness. This is probably why a large number of them seem to have EAs/PAs.
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
"I've seen several former & current WAW's on this board...does anyone know of any WAH's?"
I don't know of any.
The C session was not bad. I don't know that I would put a lot of merit into him asking to meet again in a week.
I still think that you should focus on the fact that he is still there. Act as if still applies.
Even if he is acknowledging that you are changing that is not always a good thing. He could think you are changing the wrong way and just not saying anything. Just as you have learned that you can get caught up in the "Emotion" he is too. The "Emotion" colors everything you "see" and "do". It narrows your scope of view on things. If you want a perfect example of that look at some of the interactions that me and Sandi2 had back in the day.
I used to use the analogy of a GPS system. You know you are driving along and it is guiding you to your destination. Then you turn off the path it is recommending. It has to recalculate. That is what your H is doing right now recalculating. Sometimes the GPS will take the long/wrong way. Sometimes your H will to. You are still in control of where you are "driving" in both situations. DB'ing is a tool for you.. just like the GPS. Used correctly it will save you time. Used incorrectly it will have you recalculating too.
You have a lot of good things going on. Focus on that.. and figure out why and how it is working. Then keep doing it.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I've seen several former & current WAW's on this board...does anyone know of any WAH's?
I wish! I do like getting the man-POV from the male LBS's though...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Even if he is acknowledging that you are changing that is not always a good thing. He could think you are changing the wrong way and just not saying anything.
I don't think this is the case here bc he seems to love to use MC as a forum to point out ANYTHING that is wrong w/me or what I do.
If you want a perfect example of that look at some of the interactions that me and Sandi2 had back in the day.
Is this on your thread? Where could I find it?
I used to use the analogy of a GPS system
So would you be saying right now that H was heading one direction & now, because of my changes, he has had to recalculate...and figure out what he is going to do next?
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
They are so wrapped up in their own hopelessness that they don't know how, and they're not really motivated to try. All they know is that they WANT to feel good again, and will do ANYTHING to get that back. Anything, that is, except reconnect with the spouse, who they seem to look on as the reason for all their unhappiness.
Equally frustrating is seeing the energy and enthusiasm that they have for just about any other option. They're very motivated to try to fix things, just not with us.
