I don't think it would hurt him to know how very nearly you did have someone else in your bed-- that your previous soulmate tried very hard to get back together with you in his absence. I hope he realizes just how lucky he is you waited for him!
You sound so good. I'm amazed to hear how much stuff is coming out already--how many hidden unspoken questions are coming to the surface. It takes courage and strength to confront the past and ask those questions and listen to the answers. !!!
I don't even remember if I already posted this since I've been thinking about it for so long. But I wonder if the reason why BF has been doing SOOO many acts of service for you was to PROVE that he is truly serious about returning to you. maybe that is his way of saying, this is for real, I'm ready to come home, I'm really ready to help you and create a beautiful home together, I'm ready to watch your back and fix things that aren't working and provide however I can with my services. Maybe to him that shows more commitment/courage than a romantic gesture like flowers or a sexy dinner.
Andabelle.. you are right and well remembered! I did actually say it on purpose, in a mysterious voice, to judge his reaction "Well.. others liked my bed..." but I put him out of his misery! I am considering telling him about the piscean though, I think I will eventually tell him someone else wanted to marry me, yes.
Hi T!.. I think you are right. He keeps wanting to make everything ok and has been super accommodating about the new plan to move to his place, offering to take furniture there to the tip, to fit all of mine/ours in, to paint rooms etc. He does seem to want to make it right, perhaps his way of reassuring me, yes.
Thanks for saying I have courage.. it is hard, I think my resentments are surfacing. I dont understand how he managed to spend 8 months with her (7? 6 at best?) and take her on a weeks skiing holiday with his brother and SIL for Christmas. It sort of seems too surreal. His Mum is here for the weekend, she has made NO reference to us being together.. only mentioned me twice in answer to him telling her something. She hasnt asked him about his depression though either, she's pretty self involved.
I really love him, but sometimes I wonder if we will be ok or not, or if too much hurt and separation occurred. I think we are faring pretty well so far, considering. I told him how hard it was when I found out abuot Helen, how I cried for 3 weeks. He got very teary.. I said, you didnt even tell me yourself, why not? He said, I couldnt..I felt so guilty and ashamed. Yep, the two pinnacles of the WAS, guilt and shame!!
Remember Michelle saying that because the LBS has spent so much time and energy focusing on the WAS that when they begin to piece the relationship back together there will be a flood of emotions from the LBS. The WAS has been the focus or goal for so long. Of course you are going to have these feelings.
No one said it was going to be a walk in the park!
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks Kat, I forget that I was dbing for so long and I was a LBS, its wierd sometimes, surreal, but I am having a lot of feelings that are surfacing and its harder to hide. He twice said this weekend whats wrong, you look upset? My face never lies! We're still very huggy and kissy though.
Had a hard weekend, MIL came to stay at his house (soon to be ours) and I spent the weekend there, as he wanted me there. I dont think she is thrilled we are back together, but I dont know if thats because she thinks I hurt him (?!) I am wrong for him and he shouldnt have gone 'back' or she's just nose out of joint to no longer have him all to herself (probably). She was very possessive of him, it was awful and I found her lack of acceptance of me upsetting. He said not to take it personally, she lacks tact and shows no interest in his life either, neverlone mine, but she doesnt respect his boundaries or my status in his life.
Yesterday, we woke up early, but when I came out the shower, he was naked in bed (covered up) looking not happy but "sorry, I couldnt stop her" look on his face whilst she was sat on the edge of the bed in a silky nightie with my discarded pants at her feet... my jaw dropped open with shock. She didnt even move then until he said, um Mum, I want to get up now... He's a 35 year old man and thats OUR bedroom. Wrong !!!!
She kept taking his other arm when we were walking, or hugging him, arms encircling waist and leaning her head on his shoulder (weird !!???) and talked about things she got for him to help him out, like the microwave and teatowels (all things she gave him WHEN HE LEFT ME !!! We had all that stuff of course, we lived together for 8 years). And when she said goodbye, she barely lifted her arms to me and dropped them again quickly. She kept saying she is coming again (maybe August !!??) but I dont want her to if she is going to be that rude to me. Does she not realise that will be MY house too then? Does she think its acceptable to be rude to me?? It was so cliched. And to think I thought she loved me and we were close. I spent hours and hours supporting her, talking to her, when her partner walked out and then her exH died.
Of course, I had to be very careful what I said to him and this is a MINEFIELD!! Grr.
EEEWWWW...she came into your bedroom without being invited and STAYED? Gross!
Sounds like a bit of a reverse Oedepus complex doesn't it? She has some sort of a need to be overly involved in his life, but is it possibly only while he is involved because you take attention away from her? Just a thought that occured to me.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
ackkkkk!!! ali that is so weird!!!!! I am so sorry... if that happened to me I would probably want to puke. I'm not sure what to suggest... I noticed that you mentioned passionate marriage to julia on her thread just now. It seems like BF probably has some differentiation issues to deal with, with his mom? As in, standing up to her and "screwing his dick on"? Obviously she doesn't make it easy for him though. Is he still in therapy? maybe you could suggest that you would feel better about dealing her if he was working things out in therapy? MAYBE WITH DAVID SCHNARCK, MY HERO?
I remember a while ago you talked about how you and BF in your last relationship sort of "parented" each other... in that he didn't really have good parents and you had to fill that role (or something like that--I'm sorry if I am getting this wrong). So maybe she feels replaced, like you are taking up the Mom / Number One Woman space? I apologize in advance if I am remembering wrong.
I think the parents of a WAS find it so much easier to place the "blame" for a break up on the other person. I mean really "how could my own child do something so out of character?? It must be Ali's fault. She made him do this." Or something along those lines. Plus she has had him to herself for a while and just doesn't seem ready to let him go. He will need to find a way to "man up" to her.
Yep, walking into the bedroom like that is pretty strange, but also apparent that he has never set that as a boundary before. See above comment.
Hang in there. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hi Mish, T, Kat.. well, he said she DID knock first, but when I asked if she had ever come in his room before, when he used to stay with her, he said.. NO.. never. He agreed it was innappropriate. We went on a long bike ride last night and had a lovely evening, but he did rant about her negativity and lack of interest in others and I listened and validated (!) but had to say I felt she wasnt AS warm to me as she used to be. He really felt she has just got worse in herself (depressed) so not to take it personally. T you are right, we both didnt use to get so much support from our Mums, but thats turned around in the past 2 years. So yes we did use to parent each other in a nurturing sense, but perhaps thats not the case now! Kat, I hadnt thought of that.. she couldnt possibly blame HER darling boy for the breakup hey!?
He told me the 22 year old receptionist moved to his village so he will now be car sharing with her.. I got a bit quiet and he noticed and asked me what was wrong, so I had to tell him that I am generally confident but things can make me have a wobble.. he was amazed I was worried and said he doesnt fancy her at all and besides, there was no need for me to not have confidence, or to worry. But I still do a bit, not surprisingly??
Afterall, he told me before the bomb he wasnt interested in Helen.. but he must have been lying because he left me and then ended up dating her! I believe him that he doesnt fancy this 22 year old, but it highlights the fact I still feel in a vunerable position with him. He still doesnt seem to want to talk about the past.
One, it is good that he is slowly opening up to you. Keep letting him progress at his pace and you should keep seeing some good results.
Two: About the 22-year-old, there are goods mixed in w/the bads here. It is good that he is openly telling you about her. That is extremely positive as he is not wanting you to think negatively about the car share situation.
However, here is where you are at your cross-road with the redo w/BF. You will (and should) continue to have doubts about him as he was the one who was dishonest and strayed from you.
He will have to prove it to you that he is back and back for good, but human nature will always leave you to question.
How to handle this? I don't know. I would suggest being as honest as you can be w/the situation and how it makes you feel and why. However, you may not be in a place to do that right now.
It continues to make sense why people say adamantly that the piecing phase is in many ways more difficult than the left behind phase.
Hang in there and note the positives.
RTL PS - The mom in room thing is pretty creepy too.
