Jumping in (1st post)

[Gardener]

Okay, oh wise ones,

Before going to bed I have to vent a few potentially damaging ideas that have been rattling around in my head all day. Advance, preventive 2x4s requested.

Keep in mind that my sitch has been a no-animosity, no anger sitch since the bomb.

Even though we had that record-setting good one-whole-hour-together talk last Thursday, and that my Ann'y Card And Note clearly touched her this past weekend and I am DBing fair-ta-middlin' lately, and, most importantly, I'm feeling good about myself...I want to talk to her! I mean really talk. Except for last Thursday it is now seven months with precious little dialog at all, including the you-stay-on-your-side-of-the-fence,-you-stay-on-yours MC debacle. Reliable source tells me she's confused, in a lot of pain, doesn't know what to do.

Early on, Stillloveshim told me she doesn't think ours is a Last Resort sitch and twice told me to get face-to-face with her, how about a benign date, etc.

Even last week when I asked her to hold off on filing for a while/take a breather, her first response was "Well, if you could give me something more concrete as to why you want to..."

God forgive my desperate corniness, I even thought of creating a new/different email account/name on GMail and humorously sending her an obviously-me Jimmy-Buffet-like-If-You-Like-Pina-Coladas email to start...something. some dialog.

She's hurt. She's insecure. She's good.
She's my friend.
And, yeah, I'm mind-reading here, but I know her. And I bet sure-as-s&%t, she's totally mis-interpreting my DBing to date.

Think I had another half-assed idea today but, thankfully, I've forgotten what that one was.

I'm going to bed soon. I will dutifully submit to the barrage of 2x4s in the morning.

Thank you.

[Gypsy]

Hey Gardener..

Here's a link for a guy, minkerman, who kept his focus and stayed real. If you're interested you can follow his trail from devastation to renewing his marriage with the love of his life.

His wife left, not for another man, but because the relationship was no longer right. He's a good person to learn from.

*hugs*

As far as the thoughts rattling in your brain.. I always go to my mantra..

If it seems right, the answer is yes.
If it feels wrong, the answer is no.
If I waffle or can't decide, the answer is no.

Additionally.. the 48 hour rule is helpful.. if it's a good idea now, it will still be a good one in 48 hours.

And.. I'm a great believer in listening to the inner voice.. not the hyper yikes defensive fearful one.. but the voice that brings calm.

It's all you.. what works, what doesn't.

*hugs*

[Gardener]

Gypsy,
Thank you, thank you.

Minkerman's story was great to read. Did me a lot of good. As I read the beginning, I was thinking, "this is going great, but he's calling too much, sharing too much, etc." and sure enough he later came to the same conclusions. DBing works.

My wife has gone completely dark since reacting so emotionally to my short, sincere ann'y note (not even responding to my email today telling her my cousin passed away). Just as Michele says to expect after a meaningful connection. That's what I've been reacting today and I now realize that while it may be a good sign, may be a bad sign, I don't know but it is evidence of DBing being "right" and I am on the right track, albeit temporarily painful again.

I will wait 48 hours. I am waffling, so, no to these ideas for now.

I may try one of my ideas or suggest a No-R-Discussion meeting, coffee, hike, whatever...but not until she comes back out again and contacts me.

Your post, Minkerman, and continued reading of Learned Optimism (an eye-opener) has made my (so far sleepless) night.

Hugs back to you, friend.
Thanks again

[Gardener]

So, 24 hours after I email my wife about my cousin's passing, she calls this morning. I didn't answer, so vm was "I'm sorry to hear about Cousin. Just wanted to tell you that."
Fine. Several hours later an email: How's CousinW? How old was Cousin, again? Are you going to wake today/tonight? Going to funeral tomorrow?
I email replies to each ques. Nothing more.

Two hours later, another VM: "Hi, Gardener? It's me, W. (why is the ol' "hi, it's me," no good anymore?) I should see CousinW. Always liked her. She must be so upset. So if you want me to go with you*, please let me know)"
* This is her way of asking for anything ("Do you want to take the garbage out?", "Do you want to go buy eggs for me?"). It has been the source of humor, endearment, confusion, and frustration at different times over the years.

I call her back: "Hi, W, it's me. i got your message and if you want to go tonight and if you want to console CousinW, then I'd love to have your company". We make arrangements. I add, "One condition: no R, M, S, D, Us, or The Past talk. Let's just do this. Tonight. Together."
Fine. And so, for a new seven-month record-breaking 3 1/2 hours(breaking last week's all-time record of one whole hour), we were...together.
I was cheerful. Dressed to the nines/new - and different style - clothes. Glad to be with her. Small talk. I talked less. Idle chatter. Sons/daughter/grandchildren talk. No Us talk. Not really any Me talk or questions on either side, either, but that's okay. Gave her cheap, but lovable $1.09 cute gift she likes that I picked up in Adirondacks this weekend.

My first goal this past month was W will want to/ask to spend time together.
Last week she wanted to for an hour. This week , via her escalating/roundabout VM-email-VM (to which I didn't bite, didn't ask her to come), she asked to spend time with me.

Baby steps. Small movement. Right direction. Apparently sincere.

Happy Gardener. Happy, happy Gardener.

Next, I will ask her to come to Fireworks with me this weekend We-especially she- love fireworks (both kinds)

Good night.
Goodnight.

[The Wifey]

Baby steps. Small movement. Right direction. Apparently sincere.

Happy Gardener. Happy, happy Gardener.

Keep things low key. Don't be the fool that rushes in. Little butterfly wing of progress, most notably with you laying down the no R talk boundaries.

Don't over-react. Cool as a cucumber.

And make the invite if you want to go, great, if you don't that is fine, going anyways.

[Gardener]

Keep things low key. Don't be the fool that rushes in. Little butterfly wing of progress, most notably with you laying down the no R talk boundaries.

Don't over-react. Cool as a cucumber.

And make the invite if you want to go, great, if you don't that is fine, going anyways.

Thanks, Wifey. I am. Real low key. Often resisting the urge to say "Let's talk." since we really haven't. In months. Y'see, sometimes I want to do things differently since I think our sitch is so different. No anger, bitterness, etc...just...just withered. But then I remember Gypsy reminding me of the 48 hour rule and I invoke it.

Am reading Walk Out Woman, by Steve Stephens and Alice Gray, recommended by Sandi2 a couple of days ago. It is great. It is sad. More scales falling from my eyes.

[givingitmyall]

Hey Gardener,

Am reading Walk Out Woman, by Steve Stephens and Alice Gray, recommended by Sandi2 a couple of days ago. It is great. It is sad. More scales falling from my eyes.

I am starting that book tonight too. I am concerned it will show me some things I may not want to find out.

[Gardener]

Hi, gima,

Hey Gardener,

Am reading Walk Out Woman, by Steve Stephens and Alice Gray, recommended by Sandi2 a couple of days ago. It is great. It is sad. More scales falling from my eyes.

I am starting that book tonight too. I am concerned it will show me some things I may not want to find out.

So far I have been shown much I didn't want to find out. But needed to.
And it is all strangely...uplifting. A saying I read in one of the many books I've read since my wife left is: "Speak to be known. Listen to know."
Unfortunately, my dear friend isn't speaking right now. So I read to know. And this book is helping me know her and what she may have been/is going through a little.

I'd be interested in sharing insights while/after reading it.

Thanks.

[givingitmyall]

I'd be interested in sharing insights while/after reading it.

That would be great. I will start it tonight. Pretty beat, and I am using that as an excuse for an early night to read. Beats waiting for W to bring up listing agreement for house...if she is going to.

[Gardener]

So, today is one month since I had my first telephone coaching session after finding this site two days prior. An appropriate time for some random reflection on What I've Learned, What I've Done, Where I am.

What I've Learned
I can do 180s
I can (begin to) GAL
A lot about WASs
My wife didn't leave me. She left a bad situation.
My wife anguished over her decision more than I'll ever know and for longer than I could ever guess.
My wife's pain of staying came to outweigh her pain of leaving
My wife is confused, still in pain and doesn't know what to do.
The 48-Hour rule re: implementing (usually half-assed) ideas.
Indecision/waffling = "No." "Don't."
I "get" DBing. And I can Help and support others in same.
I can detach. And detach lovingly.
"As iffing" - true "As-iffing", per Michelle, works.
That my wife's total lack of any movement or follow-through since D Bomb 5/13 means...something.
I don't have to be understanding, sympathetic, or helpful in any effort to end this marriage (thank you, Greek).
I do not have to be an active participant in any of same (thank you, stillloveshim)
"I will not resist. But neither will I assist" (thank you, me).
And so much, much more.

What I Have Done
I don't pursue/answer all calls/return them right away/let my wife end interactions first, etc.
Read my wife's words her actions far, far less. Almost not at all.
Honestly don't care what my wife thinks of my (lovingly detached) words or actions.
Actually begun improving me for me alone.
Got my wife to ask to spend time with me. Twice.
Got my wife to agree to postpone for one month any and all talk of Mediator, D, process.
Let go of the outcome in all interaction with my wife.
Resumed old, lapsed hobbies, reached out to old, semi-lapsed friendships, joined a club, went away for a weekend by myself, climbed a mountain.
Sent my wife an appropriate anniversary card with a short, from-deep-in-my-heart note that touched her and evoked the first real emotion she's expressed to me in months.
Stopped inhabiting/perpetuating my Victim Mentality
Stopped discussing sitch with others ("So - how are you?" "Better and better, thanks."
Stopped referring to my wife on this board as W, WAW, She, Her (She and Her okay only after initial reference as my Wife). She is my Wife. She is my Friend.
Begun letting go of the past.
And so much, much more.

Where I Am
In a far better place than before.

Not bad for one month. I'll take it.

Thank you to all you good, kind, hurting, struggling, enduring, persevering, selfless, generous DBers out there.