Hi Sara - thanks for weighing in. You're right, it is a mental health issue. Today he went to the doctor and he put H on AA and ADs. He also has a counseling appointment tomorrow. He's been going pretty faithfully for about 9 months. He had been toying with quitting his job, but he always has trouble pulling the trigger on making decisions - something he and his C have talked about a bit. I'm just hoping that he gets this sitch resolved. I am forever the optomist. I must admit, I'd prefer to be dealing with this than another A-bomb, so I really should be counting my blessings.
Sara, without you we never would have made it to Retrouvaille. I don't think I've ever properly thanked you - so I'm doing it now. Thank you for speaking about your experiences. It made a difference!
em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Thanks, EM. It's very rewarding to hear from people who benefited from the Retrouvaille experience. I'm glad to hear that your H has already been to the doctor. Recognition of the problem is the biggest step.
I've been re-bombed and I'm not sure what to do. A few weeks ago my H told me that he loves me but is not in love with me. In some respects I think this is progress. In some respects I think it was his way of telling me that he wanted to fix things. He said he didn't want to leave me, he wants us to work. He thinks we can work, he even thinks those feelings can come back again. It's just been so long since we've actually felt any romantic feelings for one another. I'm wondering if I should leave. I don't know if I have the energy for this. Even when he told me, I wasn't that upset. It was like he was confirming what I already knew. The positives: - He says he wants to be in love with me - He says he wants us to have a fulfilling relationship: spiritually, romantically, emotionally, etc - Ultimately, I would like our relationship to last and be fulfilling
The negatives: - He doesn't want to do counseling, and thinks we should be able to do this on our own - I think we should get a counselor - I don't have it in me to actually "work" at this - I'm weary and debating leaving because I just don't see this getting any better - I don't know how to have a fulfilling relationship (and I don't think he does either)
What am I missing? Is there anything I should do in this instance? Is there anything I can do?
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
When people say that piecing is the hardest part of this whole ride, believe them. I have no idea what I’m doing or how to do this. . . I just know that it is really difficult.
My H is working hard at this; he is, in his own way. He has so much going on in his head and so much to figure out. His approach is nothing like mine. He quit his job, where OW works, in December and it’s been months of no contact. (For those of you going through the whole A recovery process, know that no-contact is of paramount importance. You truly cannot rebuild if there is contact, of any kind.) It’s been a solid six months of H not having any contact whatsoever and I see him trying to unravel his thought process, his actions, his desires for the future for himself, and for us. I see him healing from major depression and laughing again, making healthy, good, decisions, and devoting time to me.
If I were in his shoes, I would have quit my job years ago – like when the A first came to light. I think waiting for 2 ½ years hindered our progress and growth – it made us, and dealing with us, more difficult, for me. I remember when I was first bombed and all I wanted to talk about was our relationship and how it was unraveling quicker than it was built. I came here and posted and posted and posted til I couldn’t post anymore. It was the focus of my life. I wanted to talk about it all the time. It consumed me. It’s different now, for me. And yet, not for H. He wants to talk about it frequently. He needs to revisit some of the past and hear how I feel about him, about us. And I am numb. I wanted to talk about all of this with him years ago – years – and now, I’ve just kinda slipped into complacence, slipped into this void of not feeling anything about us. Sure, I want our marriage to be better, to be passionate, to be intimate, to be a partnership, to be all things one hopes a marriage will be, but how? How do I begin to feel again?
We spoke about this earlier this morning. It was certainly a start. I told him everything I wrote here. I suppose like all else on this strange walk from commitment, to infidelity, to commitment it is traveled just one step at a time. I wish there were a map, a guide, a way to see our way through this. I continue to wish that there would be someone to say, “step here, step here, step here and here and voila! marriage healed and perfected!” Alas, we, as humans, are not so lucky on any of our journeys.
Last edited by ediemarie; 06/29/0906:01 PM.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Hi Ediemarie. Good to hear from you again. Sorry its not better than it is. I think you and he do need to do the counseling. Or try another weekend program. I hear the New Beginnings program is good. It deals a lot with love and finding love again. I'm sorry to hear that you have just stalled. Even if you redid Retro, either the weekend or the Post sessions. I think the work would be helpful to you.
It took my H a long time to really relise the damage he had caused and the long term impacts. In the beginning I think he felt 'justified' in the pain he had caused.....and in some ways he was. As time went on though and he saw the long term impacts it had had on me and he really hurt. Perhaps this is what's happening to your H. It could be a good sign.
(((((HUGS))))))) Piecing is very hard. More than once I have considered throwing in the towel and I have had it easier than most.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
We spoke about this earlier this morning. It was certainly a start. I told him everything I wrote here. I suppose like all else on this strange walk from commitment, to infidelity, to commitment it is traveled just one step at a time. I wish there were a map, a guide, a way to see our way through this. I continue to wish that there would be someone to say, “step here, step here, step here and here and voila! marriage healed and perfected!” Alas, we, as humans, are not so lucky on any of our journeys.
Edie, A quote I've collected from my Inspiration Notebook:
You climb a long ladder until you can see over the roof, or over the clouds. You watch your shod feet step on each rung, one at a time; you do not hurry and do not rest. Your feet feel the steep ladder's balance...you climb steadily, doing your job in the dark.
----Annie Dillard
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Sara, I think counseling is in order, too. My H has been going pretty regularly lately and it is helping him. He has mentioned us going together in the future, but says he still has his own stuff to work through first. I told him that I would go when he was ready for us both to be there. He, from time to time, will mention that he thinks once his head is straight, we could do a lot to fix our m on our own. This makes me nervous, as I am having a difficult time expressing myself. Worst case scenario I will go on my own, and he will go on his own. I’m just not ready yet. Retrouvaille was a great experience for us. We both still talk about how helpful it was for us. We understand each other better and are able to have constructive discussions about conflicts. I am struggling with actually feeling anything towards him or anyone/anything else, etc. My H is just different than I. He feels everything. He’s sensitive to everything. I like this about him. It’s one of things that I fell in love with; I’m just not like that. I think he sees this as a flaw, and maybe to some extent it is. Some things to figure out here.
Saffie, thanks. I agree. I think this is what he is going through right now. I think being apart from OW has helped that. And he has take precautions against having any contact with her. She requested his friendship on facebook, he closed his account, she sent him emails, he blocked her email address. He has been invited to events by old coworkers and won’t go, just under the chance she might be there. He is truly sorry, regretful, and repentant and doesn’t want to have anything to do with her. I see that.
CL – I can see why you added that to your Inspiration Notebook. It’s so true. . . thank you for sharing that with me!
EM
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I can imagine that you would be weary of this go 'round. I think counseling can be highly overrated and sometimes detrimental. Your H is doing the 'work'...he's having a hard time with his 'feelings' and that's normal.
Why don't YOU get the help...and I'd suggest Laurie here....not for $$$ reasons, but she really is an expert and wonderful at this....and if you push him to the counseling....you may wear out the love he has left. At the end of the day...it's the two of you that need to build more joy, more love together....not work on changing something about him.
What are the things that give him joy.....you just do them. What are the things that give you joy? you just do them.
More counseling is more depressing and less joyful....it's more of the one on one...fix him thing. After all the counseling is done.....what you will have to do, is figure out what are the fun things, the loving things you can do together....NOT what things you have to get out of the way before you can do those things together.
Just do them. Don't talk about them. Just do them. Take him by the hand and go to a movie. Or go bowling. Or whatever it is. Life is way too short.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I can imagine that you would be weary of this go 'round. I think counseling can be highly overrated and sometimes detrimental. Your H is doing the 'work'...he's having a hard time with his 'feelings' and that's normal.
Yes, I am weary of this. H is doing the work, and I’m very pleased about that. He has put more effort in, in the last 6 months than I have seen him put him in the six years we have been married. I am quite impressed. He told me a few weeks ago that he isn’t getting the help for me; he’s doing it for him. Just like when he quit his job he told me he wasn’t doing it for me, he was doing it for him. At first I was taken aback by that, yet, really it is very healthy. He *should* be doing this for him. That’s where he should be, and he is. I know his counseling is working because he has said he feels more clear minded now, than he has since we’ve been married.
Quote:
Why don't YOU get the help...and I'd suggest Laurie here....not for $$$ reasons, but she really is an expert and wonderful at this....and if you push him to the counseling....you may wear out the love he has left. At the end of the day...it's the two of you that need to build more joy, more love together....not work on changing something about him.
I am not pushing him to counseling at all. I don’t even talk about him going or us going together. I only comment if he broaches the subject. There was a time, early on, when I would beg him to go – I learned my lesson there – cheeseless tunnel to say the least. He did go though when he was ready. But you are right, we do need to build more joy and love together – our focus seems to be on the wrong thing. I think we’ve been putting out fires for so long that living joyfully has been forgotten.
That’s not to say that we don’t do fun stuff together – we do. I just feel as though there is an undercurrent of something not being quite right. And I recognize this may be me and my own “stuff” and exist totally in my head and not with him.
Thanks, SG for your thoughts. I appreciate it!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
