Seperated

[LitlHopeAlwys]

So its been a while since I posted anything about my sitch.

I went for a bike ride on Saturday, and ran into the W on the road that I had chosen rather then my normal route. What are the odds? Yes its near her house and a common road to get use for a back road. She stopped and we talked for a while about sandals for S3 that she had bought and a party that he was going to on Sunday.

I left her a dozen roses on her car the other night - she called and thanked me said that they are pretty, and that she gave them to my mother from S3. Because she does not want her mother's cat to try to eat them.

I haven't had much communication with the W or even contact with S3. I have just been working in myself, right now finding it difficult to keep a positive attitude.

I called the W from work today, to see how both she and S3 are doing. All she would really talk about is how she wants to get a dental implant for where she is missing a tooth. I asked her if she would like to go out for dinner in honor of S3 moving up in pre-school - she said that she would rather not.

I feel that no matter what I do at this point, I am having problems finding positive signs, there has been no conversation of anything to do with us, and it feels to me as if the W just wants to pretend that I never existed.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

The W and I spoke on the phone tonight for about 30 mins. I promised myself in the beginning that I wouldn't cry/beg or plead with her. I did good for the first 10 minutes if I lasted that long.

The conversation started with her asking that its is ok with me if on Saturday, I take him for his blood work and a haircut later in the day. I don't mind I see him every other weekend, and bond with him as much as I can in through couple days, but I also try to help her out so that she is not stressed - right now I think its me stressed out and not her at all - she seems to have her life under perfect control and mine's spiraling out of control.

We spoke about our relationship, and how I want her and S3 to come back home that I know he can work this out and try coaching. She said that she will not try anything, that she does not want to be married, and that she does not fell that anything can be worked out. At the same time she told me she does not want me out of her life - I tried to tell her I don't think that it would be possible - I couldn't handle that.

She said that if she did come back home and it was the slightest like it was before it would not be good - I agreed - it wouldn't be, and that is why I have been working on myself and realizing all that things I have done wrong and not willing to make those mistakes again.

All she would say is trust me one day you'll look back on this and say it was for the better - I told her I hope that its one day with her that we look back on it together.

She seems very set in her ways, although she says its not easy for her, on having the D finalized in the next few months. I asked her once again, to try coaching from here with me, instead of counseling, she was very unwilling.

I am at the point that I don;t know what to do anymore, I have now read and re-read DB about 5 times, and I am just stuck in this holding pattern.

Anybody that's ever been in a sitch or similar one I could really use some advise right about now.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

First Happy Belated Father's Day to all the Dads out there.

I had a great weekend with S3, we played and hung out and I took him for a mountain bike ride through the woods, he loved it.

W stopped by unexpectedly Sunday afternoon, she brought me a fathers day gift from S3, a picture frame he made in school. She also handed me a card from him and a gift bag and card from her. I haven't opened the bag yet, but she signed the card Love - not sure if it means anything is a positive sign or no sign - I don't remember how she signs the cards to everybody else.

She said she would be back later to pick up S3, try that instead of me dropping him off since he gets upset when he realizes it. She came back when it was dark to get him, came in the house, and S3 right away says he doesn't want to go with her. She didn't even try and take him, asked if it was alright if he stayed - Yeah it's great!

As she was leaving we saw some of the neighbors and spoke with them for a brief time - after as she was getting in her car - we hugged and I wished her a good night and slipped and said I love you. I caught myself right away, and apologized. all she said was its ok.

Today I'm just a wreck - I spoke to her once this evening and she kept asking me whats wrong. I tried to tell her nothing - guess she could hear it in my voice. Said she would call later had to get S3 in shower and bed.

Lucky kid is spending next 10 days in Florida with my parents - wish I could just go and get away from everything with him.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Heard from lawyer briefly today. Said W's lawyer contacted mine, W is still looking to move forward and get divorce, and that W wants S3 to have more time with me - she now wants S3 to be with me every Friday night into Saturday. States that S3 is really upset after seeing me every other weekend.

I should no more later today - rumor was that W was a meeting with her lawyer today - and after wards both lawyers are supposed to have a phone conversation.

Guess I just have to wait and see what come of this - as for me - I'm just trying to keep myself busy and my mind preoccupied.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Haven't spoken to lawyer yet, but did have a message on machine from today, W has filed for D, and lawyer received the paperwork today, its also been just over 4 months that we have been separated.

While this does put a damper on things and is defiantly upsetting, I am still trying to keep a PMA and do the best I can to try and save the R.

Strange thing is that W has been friendly and communicating more with me for the past week - now I think I know why.

Anybody have any suggestions/ideas of what kind of steps to use after being served?

[LitlHopeAlwys]

How is everyone doing?
I learned a hard lesson last night into today - be careful what I drink with prescribed meds - evidently I called W last night - only reason I know is because I see the call back from her number on caller id - don't remember the converstaion.

Worst part is that I had to go to her job today - while she was working for computer issues - stupid me wish it was an issue I could have worked on remotely. Nothing was said of the converstaion last night - i didn't intend on bringing it up - she didn't - we just acted like friends to each other and talked only about what is going on in our lives with work. The good thing was she actually tried to call me after work to talk - who knows why - I was out doing yard work and trying to pre-occupy my mind.

I'm actually afraid to know what was said last night - the past few days have been hard for me - so I'm sure somewhere along the lines I did all the wrong thing - hopefully not though.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Good Morning Everyone!!

I'm just journalizing here a little bit.

Yesterday morning I went for a group bike ride, got home after some of us grabbed a bite to eat around 12:30pm. Go to pull into the driveway, and the W is there. Even better she is in the house. First thoughts are what is she going to fight with me about with the house, too messy, dishes not done, who knows.

Go inside, pleasantly greet her - she is upstairs in our bedroom, packing up some of her clothes that she never took. We start talking, friendly at first, about her going to bar with cousin Saturday night, said she didn't really enjoy it, not her kind of thing or that she just isn't used to it, but had a good time dancing all night. Told her that's awesome, glad to hear that you had a good time dancing.

Then she turns to I can't believe you made me leave this house, you should've moved out and S3 and I should be staying here. I reminded her that when i offered that she did not want to come back to house.
That ended that topic. Next thing I get hit with is do you know how much I love this house, I wanted to have S3 grow up here, now someone else will have to grow up here. Simply told her that I know how you feel, that I also love the house, and I want the same. Only to get I ruined everything - here we go again - I re-affirmed to her that she is right that I did ruin everything and that I let jealousy get the best of me. She said things could never be the same that the trust would never be there again, and if I slipped up just once if she came home she would kill me, I could hear the distrust in her voice. I told her I don't blame her for hating me - thinking all the time to myself - hate is better then apathy - after all it is a thin line between love and hate right?

I told her I could understand that, and that is why I am trying to take care of myself, and avoid ever doing anything like that again. I took responsibility for all the issues that we had, looking back most of them were my fault anyway. Explained to her that I wished I had read a lot of the books that I have read since separating years ago, that our S3, and our family are the most important things to me. -- Don't yell at me - I know detach - I'm trying just finding it really really difficult.

I ended the conversation by saying to her, I'm not asking you to come home today, tomorrow, this week or even this month, all I am asking is the possibility of seeing/talking to a counselor together.

Left it at that, helped her carry the bags out to her car and have had no contact with her since.

Not sure where this will go from here at this point - guess I just have to wait it out and see - and continue to work on me and PMA - and trying to detach.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Ouch..
Just remembered a small part of the conversation from yesterday -
W turned around and said you know where were you in Doctors XXXXX office in December when I said that if you don't change the only thing we are going to need is D lawyers. Just an FYI doctor that referring to was a psychiatrist, that I was seeing me for depression - and W was seeing him for anxiety - caused by me. Only thing that I never understood was that while said that he could help with marriage, his answer to everything was that no matter what the W wants I always say yes(unless drugs involved), and that we should never go out anywhere as individuals, that if one goes the other must go to. W and I believed in having time to ourselves, with friends from time to time, although not often(Once a month).

Got my own 2x4 in the head.

Just realized that now - where was I when she said it, looking back I can remember even hear the words come out of her mouth. Where was I and what was I thinking when she said it, that I could totally ignore this warning.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Having a ruff day again today. Attempted to re-establish some communication with W, she has not spoken to me since she was at the house on Sunday morning.
Tried to call her at work to see how everything is going - said she was busy and that she had to go. Asked if we could talk later. Quickly she answered nope i doubt it, I have nothing to say.

I could use some suggestions/advise/2x4s, to help me out here. Its been 18 weeks since my W moved out, and even though I have been trying to GAL, and work on myself and do 180s, I feel like its gotten me no where. Every little positive step is followed my so many negatives.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Today is a better day then yesterday. I spoke to S3 last night on phone - he's been in Florida for past week with my parents - and I miss him. He's having a great time down there, he said he's been swimming, went to movies, rides around in the golf cart, and is waiting for them to take him to some farm in the area. Last night was the most that I have spoken to him since he left.

Then my mother gets on the phone and tells me that S3 was on phone with W earlier, and telling her everything like he did me, and then turned around and told her that he wants to come home to daddy's house.
In a way I feel bad that he told her that, but at the same time, there's a feeling of joy(not really the right word, but I can't think of a better one) that he said this to her. I know its wrong, but just hoping that because of what S3 says that she sees what she is doing to him and the family.

On a side note - I was correct in thinking that the W is no longer talking to me since Sunday. She will not answer or return any calls. Alright fine here - just makes keeping my life more of a mystery to her easier.