Why cant men and women just be "unhappy" in their marriage. Why does it always have to be MLC.
Are you implying that you would rather be M to him and be unhappy in that MR than be D?
I do not believe it always has to be a MLC! Not sure where you came up with the idea that every time a couple S or D that there is a MLC involved.
Renee, I believe you spend way too much energy thinking about this type of issues........like the question you asked. What good does it do you? It will not change your stitch. It will not change the reality of your life as a D woman. I feel that you are still draging up things in the past too much for your mental welfare. For example, the way your XH disciplined your son. I agree with you that he did not do it correctly,but it is done and it can't be undone. So, why go through this over and over again? I'm talking about for "your" sake....not ours.
I don't blame you for feeling upset toward your son. He showed how unreliable he is and how childish he is when it comes to his dad. I can understand that R, also. But, there is no excuse for him treating you the way he did about the car. He does need to suffer the consequenses of not being allowed to use it again until he proves he can be trusted. I may differ from some others about this, but I don't know that I would sit there and listen to his story about your XH and GF. That is showing a lot of disrespect for your feelings. Anybody that was his age should know you are extremely hurt over what his dad did and to talk to "you" about his dad's fishing with GF is so uncalled for. I think the next time, I would hold up my hand and stop him and tell him that you do not care to hear about what your XH and live-in GF does. And tell him that it is disrespectful to his mother. Apparently, he needs to have this pointed out to him. Why should you have to endure hearing about your XH & GF? Some day when you are detached and at the place it does not bother you.....it may not matter, but I still think it is disrespectful for your son to talk to you about it.
You will have a spiritual battle to deal with since you are involved in Church and have been blessed recently. The "enemy" will try to discourage you and stop you from growing. "Discouragement" is the number one tool used to stop Christians from growing. Be on guard and realize when issues at work (like what happened) will happen and you need to handle it as one who has victory and not one who is defeated. You can handle your personal life the same way. The "One" who is in you is greater than he that is in the world!
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Renee, your XH is NOT IN MLC..... Get over it, move on, forget it..... Nothing more need be said....... Until you are willing to do this, nothing will change......
Braveheart I DID NOT SAY MY XH WAS IN MLC! I was simply asking a question. AND the reason was, so many people on here talk about MLC and it seems most people want to BELIEVE or assume the WAS is in MLC. Why is it you want to assume I mean the worst? Really. I know I questioned it in the past, but before you get "rude" with me sir, please ask me what I meant if you have to. Nothing more needs to be said.lol
Are you implying that you would rather be M to him and be unhappy in that MR than be D?
No not at all Sandi. I was just asking, because, like I told Braveheart, so many people on this board believe that their WAS are in MLC. As I said my xh asked me once "couldnt someone just be unhappy" and I didnt know what to say. I was just asking the same question. It doesnt always have to be MLC does it? I mean I believe if a marriage isnt having any MAJOR problems, and one spouse left, yes it could be MLC, especially if the signs follow. BUT if there are ongoing problems then NO its probably not MLC or WAS or anything like that. Just my opinion. Do you agree with me or am I wrong. Sandi, I am not discussing the above to figure out if xh is in MLC. I was just thinking about all the stories on here and how so many WANT it to be MLC, because they think the spouse will snap out of it...I did. I dont know if my xh is or not, but it doesnt matter anymore. He is gone for now or always, who knows? Nobody except the GOOD LORD ABOVE.
For example, the way your XH disciplined your son. I agree with you that he did not do it correctly,but it is done and it can't be undone. So, why go through this over and over again? I'm talking about for "your" sake....not ours.
The main reason for talking about this is to get your opinion and to except my own fault in this. I did not stand behind my xh when he displined him and I should of, BUT I was trying to explain why I didnt. I simply didnt agree with the way he went about it. SO IN TURN, my son thinks he can run over me, because I took up for him in the past. I also didnt know I discussed this before. I told you that I could not remember what I have talked about and what I haven't. I really need to re-read my threads.
I don't know that I would sit there and listen to his story about your XH and GF. That is showing a lot of disrespect for your feelings. Anybody that was his age should know you are extremely hurt over what his dad did and to talk to "you" about his dad's fishing with GF is so uncalled for.
Sandi, I agree with you but I dont want son to think he cant talk about his dad with me. If that includes gf, then I will just have to deal with it. He was excited about his dad winning the tournment, and he was regretting that he didnt go instead of gf. Yes he SHOULD know it hurts me, but honestly I dont think he does. I have tried to explain to him how hurt I am about what his dad did and he will not hear it. So I dont force him to talk about it. Sandi, my son is somewhat inmature for his age. For example, when his dad told him he was engaged and getting married to gf, my son told me and said to me. Mom you should be proud of dad, it has to be hard for him to get remarried so soon. I could not believe that he said that. Ever since then, I just let him talk. One day he will see. He will say things about dad and gf and then say, mom dont let it bother you and dont tell dad I told you. Which I dont tell xh. BUT it does bother me. Not as much anymore.
You will have a spiritual battle to deal with since you are involved in Church and have been blessed recently.
Yes I do. I should have expected it. Someone at Church told me to NOT give up on praying for my family. They also said some other things. My faith was renewed and then the first things I heard was the story from my son about xh. THEN went to work and delt with other stuff. I didnt mention it but also heard another story about my xh cheating. So I should have known the devil would stike again. I am holding my head up high and moving forward regardless.
The "One" who is in you is greater than he that is in the world!
Renee, your XH is NOT IN MLC..... Get over it, move on, forget it..... Nothing more need be said....... Until you are willing to do this, nothing will change......
Braveheart I DID NOT SAY MY XH WAS IN MLC! I was simply asking a question. AND the reason was, so many people on here talk about MLC and it seems most people want to BELIEVE or assume the WAS is in MLC. Why is it you want to assume I mean the worst? Really. I know I questioned it in the past, but before you get "rude" with me sir, please ask me what I meant if you have to. Nothing more needs to be said.lol
Hugs, Renee
I'm just trying to help you, sometimes "tough love" is best Renee. This is going to take you out if you don't get a handle on this!
Okay, now I understand better about the question regarding MLC and no, I sure don't believe it has to MLC. It is just that it is so common these days and here on the board. I do believe that people can have enough troubles in a MR that they are looking for an escape. There are certainly more reasons for a S/D than MLC. Maybe it would help you to have closure if you understood the "whys" of the breakdown of the M, and if I were a professional, I might be able to help you, but the bottom line is that in the end, you have to accept it for what it is......a divorce. Thrashing out the past doesn't change the status now.
I know you want your son to talk about his dad. He should be able to do that with you, however, he is old enough to understand that he should not discuss with you the "good times" dad and GF have. That is what I meant by telling him that you do not care to hear about his dad's live-in GF. If you must tell him that it is painful, then do so. Don't allow him to say snide remarks about your feelings, etc. He needs to learn about human relationships and things people go through when they have been hurt badly.
I think kids play their parents against each other if they can. Especially when the parents have a different approach in discipline or if that kid knows mamma will step in and take up for him. Just b/c he's grown doesn't mean he has stopped doing that. I believe it has developed into just a pattern of behavior for him that he does it automatically. It is obvious he is starved for his dad's approval and his time, so you will need to mental prepare yourself for him gushing over spending time with them. I would explain to him that you have no problem with him spending time over there, but you don't want to be treated like you were with the car and you don't want to hear about.......whatever bothers you. Don't do this at a time when the emotions are running high.....wait until things are calm and you can speak with him in a soft tone of voice. You need his undivided attention and don't try to discuss it when he's on the computer, etc.
Quote:
mom dont let it bother you and dont tell dad I told you
He clearly has a need to discuss it with somebody he can trust. Does he have a close pal he hangs out with?
Renee, I want to encourage you to get into a daily Bible study if you can. If your church does not provide it, the Internet has wonderful web sites that have Bible topic studies or daily devotionals. You need that spiritual food each day to have you be strong.
Talk to you later. BTW, try to be patient with us here on the board if we misunderstand a question you have. I often find it hard to type into words what I truly mean. It's easy for it not to come through like you mean. We work together, right?
Take care, Sandi
P.S. I wouldn't worry about going back to read all your posts just b/c you brought up something before. Hey, I do that all the time. I probably am the worst about repeating something I've said.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"Mom, you should be proud of dad... for getting married so soon...?!"
There is something funny going on here, Renee. Maybe your X and his GF encouraged your S to put this nasty little bug in your ear. At the very least, they are filling his head full of self-serving sh!t. Nothing you can do about that, but that doesn't mean you have to listen to it. Next time your S comes up with something like that, tell him emphatically you don't want to hear it.
Don't let him borrow the car again until he straightens up.
Maybe it would help you to have closure if you understood the "whys" of the breakdown of the M.
Sandi I agree. That is what I am trying to do, that is why I talk so much about the past and our marriage. That is also why I was wondering, at one point, if it was MLC. He said so much that is "script". Just because he wanted a divorce so soon doesnt mean he HAS TO BE a WAS. Right? (You dont have to answer that if you dont want to, I dont want to drag that subject up again.) Sometimes things cross my mind and I have to wonder what in the world was he thinking. I dont spend my day consumed by him, I just do that on here.lol When we were sep. but still living together, I said to him one day, "I guess I will go out and try to find me a place to live", he replied, "Do you care to look for me a place too? and then said quickly, NO I am sorry, I have no right to ask you to do that. I was thinking what?????? He was talking to me like a little boy, so pitiful, wanting ME (like his mother) to find him a home. Enough about my xh. I have another question and need your opinion. (or anybody reading this).
There is a guy that I would love to go out to dinner with. Nothing but dinner and talk. He has been working in the same store with me during our remodel. Someone told him I was interested and shortly after he walked by and spoke to me. Tonight he walked by and I said something to him and he stopped and we talked for a bit. I only met him a couple days ago, but I feel so comfortable talking to him and he is always so nice. Well tonight after work I got brave. I wont see him for a couple days probably so I decided that I would give him my number. I pulled him aside by hisself and told him that this was the first time "ever" that I had been this forward. I told him that I had heard that he had just went through a divorce and I also had. I said to him, here is my number in case you want to talk. He said that it had been a hard divorce and he hadnt dated in a year, and it got lonely. I told him I havent either and I know what you mean about being lonely. He talked a bit more about his divorce and so forth. He said to be honest, I am having trouble with trust. I told him it didnt have to be a date and we could just go out to dinner and talk. He took my number and said thank you and I appreciate it. Then he said well I better get back to work. My question is: Should I have approached him in the first place? Do you think it was his nice way of saying "I am not interested"?
Renee, I am VERY PROUD of you! Good for you!!! Just because you spoke to a guy and gave him your phone number doesn't mean you are jumping back into a R. It means that you are starting to let go, meet other people, and put things behind you!! One step at a time and this was a big one!
He probably is leary about getting into a R anytime soon. Some men think "all" women are out looking for a serious committment. It would be easy to "rebound" for both of you but as long as you watch your emotions in that department, I think going out with somebody would be great. But now that you've made the first step, wait for him to make the next and ask you out. You don't need to pursue the next step. If he doesn't ask, then don't take it personally......he just got burned really bad and isn't ready to go out with a woman, yet. Hopefully, he is and the two of you will enjoy a nice date.
Your XH may not be in MLC but he definately "was" and "is" a walk-away husband......b/c that is what he did....right? So, you can eliminate that quesion from the list. However, as we've discussed in the past....the MLC & WAS is so close in symptoms, that I think some may put too much emphasis on it. Just accept the end results as they are and don't try to put in a catergory.
Talk to you later. Have a good day.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
