Now, that's a post that sounds 100% better! If you are so busy with positive steps in your life that you don't have time to post.....that's great!!
I'm very glad to hear about you going to church and being blessed with a renewed strength. Does your son go also? I can tell you that prayer can change life!
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You can also click on "My Stuff" on the menu at the top of the posting form and then scroll down to "posts" and find all the ones you've written. The last number listed is the beginning and works back to number one. Hope that makes sense. It's hard to explain on a keyboard. (lol)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well the past few days have been good. Church was so wonderful. I was feeling pretty good about life THEN I woke up this morning and my whole day was a mess...well most of it. I should have expected the devil to rear his angry head. I rebuked him and trudged onward. Nevertheless I delt with a few things. I was leaving for work and I decided to let my son drop me off so he could use my car to get himself something to eat. He has been doing what I asked so I thought well I never leave him a car, so maybe I will leave it for him today. First of all he begins by saying guess what mom...of course I say what?...dad and gf won a fishing tournament last night. He started going into details about how much they won and yada yada yada. First time I heard of my xh fishing other than the one other time. Anyway, I just let my son talk. I didnt want to NOT let him speak about his dad, even if it included gf. He was excited about the story and said he wish he would have went with dad when he asked him first. I went onto work and got out...1 min. late! I then continued with my day, trying to smile and be in a good mood, regardless of the "wonderful story" I got from son. (sorry to sound bitter). I got through a few fews when a "young" employee that works with me, decided she didnt like what I said and we ended up in the Mgrs. office. No big deal, just something else to SMILE about. Then comes lunch time and I call my son to ask him to bring me something to work and he says he cant talk he is with his dad and gf at gf's family cookout. I am thinking that I hope he is not in MY CAR at her familys house. (I know bitter again). Anyway son's phone wouldnt connect so I didnt get to ask where MY CAR was. Later, at time for son to pick me up, he calls and says...
Son: "Mom can you get a ride home" Me: "Why?" Son: "Can you?" (asking again) Me: "Who is with you?" Son: "I am with dad", "can you get a ride" Me: "Where is my car?" Son: "It is home, I can drop it off out front if I have too" (sounding like it is a conveinence). I am spending the night with dad tonight and watching the race with him on tv tomorrow. Me: "Well, I need my car here" Son: "Do I have too?", "I need to know now",(dad or gf mumbles in background) Me: "I said, forget it, I will get a ride" Son: "Well, thank you, I guess"
At this point, I think I would have walked home before I would have asked either one of them to do anything for me. I know I am bitter and hurt, but I cant help it. It seems like son is always going out of his way to please his dad...to the point of even asking me to find a ride home because he didnt want to put his dad out by having him follow him to bring my car to me. If this was me, son would of probably insisted on me droping his dads car off. This is just what I feel. Also, when son is home during race day he watches it in his room. He will NOT come downstairs and watch it with me. BUT, he will watch it with his dad and gf. I am just hurt today.
... and Lewis this is where the rubber hits the road, this is where the learning begins.
We get the respect we demand.
This car/work/dad experience is a great anicdote for you to pull apart and think about your contribution to and what you can do to change your behaviour so it doesn't happen to you anymore.
First - you claim son respects dad, but not you. Why do you think that is?
I've got a couple of suggestions - but I'd like you to think about it first and reply.
Second - you gave son your car today - and the outcome was that you were really inconvenienced. What do you think should be the consequence of that? Do you think it's OK your son let you down? How are you going to manage that with him?
Finally - I know the feelings you were having when your son told you that story about fishing. I know you felt jealous, left out, sad, depressed, angry etc, etc. I know because I've felt all those things myself. But here's the thing I'd like you to think about. What if, when son told you that story, you listened to him then filed it in the back of your heart to deal with at another time. Or better yet, tried to imagine the story was about some people you barely know?
You see, you gave that story so much power over you you gave it credit for ruining your whole day. That's not good girl. The things that influence your day should be things you can control - not second hand stories about people's who's lives shouldn't affect yours.
I look forward to hearing what you think about the respect thing. Tell me what you think ....
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Virginia as for the respect, I believe this has been happening for awhile. It is my own fault and I just hate to admit it. His dad was the one who had the bluff in. When xh displined son, he always come crying to me and I would talk to xh and talk him right out of the boundaries he had set. I mostly did this because I didnt agree with the cussing and yelling that was usually accompied by his punishment. If xh would have just punished him without the cussing and yelling, I think I may have looked at it differently. BUT I think I felt as thought xh was being too harsh on my son. My xh could have a heart of steel if he wanted to. He never lost a winks sleep over punishing our son or even when fighting with me. He could always go right to sleep. NOT ME. I think also that the respect he gives xh NOW is related to son thinking and worrying about xh "abanding him like he abandoned me". Son will NOT ask for anything from his dad. He will say to me this is our problem NOT dads, he does not live here. If we were starving, son would say dont bother dad with it. I think the fact that my son is afraid to speak his feeling is soooo sad.
AND the fishing story did not ruin my whole day. There was much more added to it that ruined it.
I wanted to ask this simple question. (That I probably have asked before, so I am sorry in advance if I have)........
Why cant men and women just be "unhappy" in their marriage. Why does it always have to be MLC. My xh asked me this once and to tell the truth I really didnt know what to say.
Ok got to lay down now, looking foreard to Church this morning.
Renee, your XH is NOT IN MLC..... Get over it, move on, forget it..... Nothing more need be said....... Until you are willing to do this, nothing will change......
My sons are adults now, and they still will not do anything they think will put their dad out. It is so sad...because they're following the same path that xh did growing up with his dad.
They will use/abuse us because they figure 'mom' is 'safe'...she'll love and nuture us regardless.
There are things going on in my sons life right now that I won't get into, and one of them has actually had to ask his dad for a favor...didn't have any choice. But I heard s say the other night that he 'tries not to get in his dad's way any more than necessary' What does that tell you about how they think????
It's nothing to expect mom to be there rain or shine, and put up with immature and irresponsible behavior at times, but NEVER, NEVER let the WA Parent be put out or know that they're in trouble or need help!!!
I'm at the point now that I know I'm going to have to make a very hard decision in dealing with one of the boys..and I honestly don't know what's going to happen between him and I. I don't want to permanently damage our relationship, but I know I have to set boundaries and then enforce them..
It has to do with my own survival...financially and emotionally. I'm not doing him any favors by protecting him and his actions..just the opposite. But it's going to be h@ll doing it..that I know. It's not something that runs in my nature. But I also know that I let people walk over me too easily, and that part of me has changed over the last few years.
As far as your son and the car...he was given the use of the car to go out and get something to eat. Not to drive over to his dads house. It was also in the agreement that he come pick you up after work. No ifs ands or buts about it. Since he can't keep his end of the bargain, and wants to change it midstream to suit his wants/his dads...no more use of the car until he realizes it is a privelege not a right to use YOUR car. You gave in this time. Do NOT do that again!!!! Believe me..you set yourself up in this pattern with him, and you'll be so, so sorry down the road.
Make him tow the line now.......not later. Nip this type of behavior in the butt now!!
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
