my story... finally

[futureunknown]

Thanks Sandi for your thoughtful advice (as always!).

I agree with you. The cake eating must stop now. I totally see what you mean about me being the only real option to keep her company given her situation with the OM. What a strange situation! She is a master at using the kids as leverage to get to me, so I'll need to carefully consider how I'm going to handle that moving forward.

I seem to have come to a new place inside myself. I truly am dropping the rope and moving on, and not as some experiment to see how she reacts, but for real. For the first time I can see a future where I would choose to leave my W behind even if she wanted to return. I am not making that decision now, I can just see it as a possibility. Strangely, it feels good.

If it comes up between us, I may have to clarify to my W that we will not be "friends", although I will remain civil and even "friendly". And yes, you are right that it is tough on me when she is looking sexy, which is often, but even that isn't hitting me like it used to.

[sandi2]

There are many men who have been on this board that never thought they could drop the rope, but after they did, they felt free and the pressure and stress lifted. The main thing is to watch out for the traps she sets up for you to join them (the kids) for some activity. You may have to tell her that you won't be doing any more of that since she is wanting a legal S or a D b/c you think it give the kids false hope. Everytime the two of you come together, the kids will naturally think that their parents are getting together. Why wouldn't they?

The times the kids are not at your house is when you can have personal time for GAL. I think that will help you a lot. You have to get your mind off of your wife! The less you can see her....the better. Really, the only time you have to see her is if one of the kids are in ER. Arent't they old enough that they can be ready to go when she picks they up or you go get them and just wait in the car? Why does she have to get out to visit with you? Why don't you just stay in the car and the kids leave the house and get into your car? Avoid talking with wife. They can be ready for her and jump in when she comes. Eliminate her excuses of visiting. Stop the kids from being her shield. When a the ballgame, I would stand as far away from her as possible and if she comes up beside you all talkitive, just answer with a nod of your head of a grut....women hat grunts (lol) but say a little as you have to and find a reason to get away from her. That shows her you are involved in a life that does not include her! That should get her attention. If she calls your phone.....either let it go to voice mall or call her back later. Don't sit home waiting to see what's she going to do next. Get out of that house and GAL.

Talk to you later.

sandi

[BeingMe]

Yeah, she does use the kids as a shield, doesn't she!? And, you come up looking like the bad guy if you say 'no'. I found, in the end (after I went through the begging and pleading and logical arguments --- ugh) that distant and friendly worked for me. So, perhaps ask her to stop inviting you to meals, especially, in front of the the children.

And ..... GAL! Find something challenging to do, perhaps, like Toastmasters or something like that --- a new language or something physical, like going to the gym (well, I did, anyway LOL) I was one busy girl!

[bluerain]

I agree with sandi. I told H that I wouldn't be his friend, and he said "Thats too bad...", no, whats "Too Bad" is how these people think that they can walk away without repercussions. But you know what, you dont do your friends like this. And if one of your friends treated you this way, Im sure that you would not continue associating with them on the same level, or at all.

I think that its important to remember too that the sad smile is much more poignant than a screaming match, if it comes to you telling her that you wont be her friend.

[futureunknown]

Thanks everyone. Contrary to what you might be thinking, I am GALing like crazy! I'm hardly ever home! I've got plans almost every night I don't have the kids. I'm exhausted!! :-)

I will be declining her offers moving forward. Even at this last dinner I didn't interact with her much at all. Just concentrated on the kids. I'll try to make our kid transitions as quick as possible with no interaction. I can't quite have her wait in her car because for now we switch cars too. Our minivan stays with the kids. That will be changing once we have legal papers signed. Fun stuff...

[antlers]

Hey futureunknown.

Traveldane has a signature line that says...'when you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!' - FDR

Pretty good...huh?

Hang in there, man! Keep doing what you're doing! Leave that rope limp on the ground...you can't get that elephant to move no matter how hard you pull!

[futureunknown]

Wow, this is weird. Something has really changed in me. I guess I have dropped the rope. I don't care what my W does anymore, provided our kids are taken care of. I'm just enjoying my life. I don't mind being at home alone. I'm looking at the future only in terms of myself and my kids, and I'm excited about it. I drove the kids around some nearby neighborhoods and asked them their opinions about maybe getting a new house next year. They were enthusiastic, and so was I! I love the time when I have my kids, and I'm enjoying my time on my own.

Best of all, my interactions with my W are totally different. Just business. I have no interest in talking with her, I barely look at her, and not as some angry "silent treatment", but because I really don't care. My attitude is light and happy. I see her as just sad and lonely. I can't fix it, and it's not my responsibility to fix it. She made her decision, she can live with it. I have no problem finishing up our separation papers and signing them. Actually, I want to, so I can fully move on.

This has been quite a journey. As per my name here, my future is still unknown, but I'm totally fine with that! :-)

[Phoenixdeux]

Future,

I think you are doing great. I actually expected to see you reconciled from the first page to the last, but I guess it wasn't meant to be that quick.

Realize that you are the person that you want to be and can be proud of your changes. You didn't see success with your wife because her eyes and heart weren't open to you...just OM. On some level she likes having you for her friend and co-parent...she likes to cake eat, but the other side of the equation is she won't commit to what you really want, which is a give and take relationship...something fulfilling for you. Maybe if she came back it would still be unfulfilling. I suspect she'd just take. What she needs is to look in the mirror, like you did, and decide she's going to do what it takes to improve herself and win you back.

Will she do it? Maybe. Will it happen before you are involved with someone else or get to the point you'd never return to the marriage with her? Probably not. I would lay money on the possibility that she doesn't actually express interest until 1) the thing with OM is completely dead and buried (and that won't happen until there is no more contact) or 2) that you are with someone else. I hate that your kids are in the middle of this, and that you have to turn down invites, but it's probably for the best. She needs to open her eyes to what she's losing, and I'm not sure they ever do until it's gone.

[futureunknown]

Phoenixdeux-

Yeah, she really is so stuck on the OM that she just couldn't be open to me. However, I've made the blunder of giving her enough support that she could concentrate on her feelings for OM without really worrying about losing me. That's changed now. Will she change in response? I don't know, but I'm definitely not going to wait around to find out. I can honestly say if she came to me today and wanted to reconcile my answer would be no. Not because I have completed closed the door, but because she has in no way shown me how she would be different.

[BeingMe]

This is the beginning of detachment. Keep at it. You are doing awesome.