my story... finally

[BeingMe]

I doubt it would make you feel better ---- maybe a quick feel good and then bad for dumping the mother of your children from a family health plan. I would advise not to do it, but you know yourself better. This is all negotiable through the D, so visit that option at that time.

I do, however, understand how you feel about her visiting the OM while still attached to you in any way. How is she paying for this visit, BTW? With family funds? I would say that not paying for her ticket would be a better way to go?

Take care and don't do anything out of emotion ---- it will kick you back in the end, usually.

[futureunknown]

Yeah, ok, I'll just let the health insurance thing be. It'll be dealt with in our formal negotiations. I was feeling particularly angry yesterday. I am getting tired of knowing that my W is still enjoying some of the benefits of being married to me even though she rejected me and is with another man.

Last night I found out from her mother that she was in very bad shape last friday, our tenth wedding anniversary, and that's why she texted me about it. Does this sound like a woman who has completely let go of her marriage and is devoted to OM?

I've been acting much more distant towards her of late, and feeling good about it I might add. Now this morning she comes by to pick up the kids, and very nicely asks if I'd like to join them all for dinner Friday. I told her maybe. I got caught off guard, as I should have just quickly replied that I have plans, which I very well might. Here we go again...

[BeingMe]

This part is really a rollercoaster ride, for sure. Stick to your goals and keep her firmly outside your boundaries (that you have chosen).

Take care.

[bluerain]

Nope, I dont think that she has totally let go. And I absolutely understand about her getting to benefit from being M to you and still doing what she is doing.

Ugh. I hate that she is asking you to do these things and still running around like a single woman. I agree with BeingMe, and the more you detach from her wierdness, the less it will affect you, hopefully!

[futureunknown]

I do, however, understand how you feel about her visiting the OM while still attached to you in any way. How is she paying for this visit, BTW? With family funds? I would say that not paying for her ticket would be a better way to go?

My W has her own income, which she completely isolated from me last fall when she decided to leave. At least one of her trips in the past was paid for by OM. I don't know who's paying for this trip. These trips do obviously affect our family finances though, which is why I need to get our legal separation finalized as soon as possible.

Last night at our son's baseball game I kept very distant from her, but was still cordial and nice in the interactions we did have. I did accept her offer to dinner purely so I can see my kids. Due to our scheduling, I am in a five day stretch of not seeing them, which is brutally long for me, so I thought it was worth it. I actually felt sorry for my W, when she invited both me and her mother to dinner, we were both very lukewarm about it and said we'd let her know. She looked hurt. I wish I didn't care as much as I do...

[BeingMe]

She looked hurt!!!! What about the hurt she has caused you and your children and even your extended family? (I bet you thought this already.) Your WAS sure isn't seeing things from your point of view, is she!? Sign of MLC, perhaps? She wants her cake and eat it too. Have your undying attention, as well as, the OM's or any other person, and not be called on the betrayal, etc.

Just keep to what is best for you and your children in the long run. Ask yourself the question, "will going to dinner meet my needs, and the needs of my children down the road?" For instance, will the kids read into the various dinners, etc. a possible reconciliation and keep them hyped into that possibility and not moving on? You might dissapoint them in the short term, but in the long run, they will be able to move on.

'Eh, just a thought thrown out there ---- you, of course, know your sitch better than any of us, and you know your children better too, but sometimes one does need an objective viewpoint. Take care.

[antlers]

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I responded to your last post on my thread. Thanks.
I'm sorry that you're having to go through what you are. I'll have good thoughts for you.

[futureunknown]

BeingMe - I agree with you. She is being incredibly selfish. Selfishness was always an aspect of her personality I had to deal with, but this MLC and A have kicked it up to insane levels. She thinks by being nice (on the surface), all her lying and betrayal with magically be forgiven. I've been incredibly cool about everything, because of our kids. They are already having their world rocked so hard, I just can't bear them worrying about mommy and daddy being angry at each other.

I am really starting to drop the rope and move on. I need to for my own mental health, and so I can be the best father I can be. From what I hear, it'll also probably have the best chance of making my W truly start to contemplate what she's done.

Antlers - thanks for your support!

[antlers]

BeingMe - I agree with you. She is being incredibly selfish. Selfishness was always an aspect of her personality I had to deal with, but this MLC and A have kicked it up to insane levels. She thinks by being nice (on the surface), all her lying and betrayal with magically be forgiven. I've been incredibly cool about everything, because of our kids. They are already having their world rocked so hard, I just can't bear them worrying about mommy and daddy being angry at each other.

I am really starting to drop the rope and move on. I need to for my own mental health, and so I can be the best father I can be. From what I hear, it'll also probably have the best chance of making my W truly start to contemplate what she's done.

Antlers - thanks for your support!

You got it, buddy!

Dropping the rope is no pressure, no expectations, true giving, and letting go. It's not giving up...and it's not 'not caring' anymore.

[sandi2]

Well, hi there. It's been a while and I had some catching up to do on your thread!

I see that things are about the same and that you are still basically losing your mind. You seem to do much better when you detach more. My mind goes back to what the DR book tells us about "if it isn't working, try something different". I am hesitate to say anything b/c I started out thinking you should drop the rope and let her go on her way and see if she came to her senses, then when I saw how much sexual attraction was between the two of you I thought there was a good chance of reconciling. Anyway, I still believe she wants to hang onto you and that the OM is simply her fantasy b/c she's in MLC. But she is nowhere close (so it appears) to changing her mind about the S/D. I am wondering if you stopped making things so comfy for her and feeding her "needs" if that would make a difference in the stitch.

Do you know what I mean about feeding her needs? I think you do b/c when she "needs" your attention or for you to spend time with her......you seem to be there. Yes, she uses the kids a lot....like inviting you to dinner, etc., but it is more "her" feelings that she's thinking about.

The OM is a long way off and he's not there to actually keep her company. It is much easier for her to be out with you at dinner or sit with you at the S's ballgame, etc., than for her to be with a different man. She really can't afford to get involved with a different man b/c of her EA/PA with her OM in the other country. It would be too "complicated"........see what I mean? But you......her "H" is there and nobody thinks anything of the two of you having dinner with your kids, etc. They don't think anything of the two of you sitting together at a ballgame. Right? So, you fill in the gaps. Tough language, but I think you get the picture.

I still believe she has love for you but she is too confused to know her own heart/mind right now. That is why she needs a jolt! I really thought that if you approached her from the flirty friend side that it would draw her to you, but she is wanting the best of both worlds. She needs to find out she can't have both men.

You seem to be a the point of being able to drop the rope, so what do you think? It will be hard when you see her looking really sexy and you feel that need for her. Can you handle it? If you can and she has to deal with being truly "alone" and without your time & attention focused on her, it may jolt her into coming out of some of her fog. I can't promise that it will, but what you've tried--isn't working.

You know when you told about being at the ballgame and walking off to make a call and how she acted cold when you returned? You didn't know if she had been watching you or not. Even if she couldn't see you, I bet she had a good idea that you were making a call to somebody. Her first thoughts were wondering if it was another woman. You can bet your life. So, I think she would be very jealous of your time and attention. Am I suggesting you intentionally make her jealous? No, but I am saying that you do need to GAL and stop being available to her. It is hard when you are co-parenting, but it can be done. Start acting like you are S and getting a D.

Somebody mentioned how she told her H that they would not be friends if they D and how it shocked her H to discover he would "completely" lose her. The same happened with me and my H when I was talking about leaving him. I think I mentioned something about wanting to be his friend and he shook his head and looked at me with a sad little smile and told me that there would be no "friendship" if I left and that there would be no coming back home after I left. That really hit me hard, and frankly, surprised me. It was what I needed to hear.

So, yeah, I think she has had her cake eating long enough and needs to see "reality". Don't mean to sound wish-washy in my stand, but you have to do what works.

Talk to you later. Take care.

Sandi