I have a different take on things then most people here. If you are still trying to save your R then I would say don't write the letter, but if things are really through, then I think you should and here is why.
I liken these affairs to major crisis and oppression in our world. They harm so many people and emotionally wound and break them. The finances take a windfall. Many people on here post how their cheating spouse had a parent who cheated or wasn't a good parent to them and that they think they have childhood issues. Well now these new spouses are creating another generation of people who will grow up with repressed issues and create new havoc and pain if they act out on them in the same way.
So, because I see this whole issue as a major social crisis, I view it in terms of other historical social movements.
I'm sure there were many blacks who said, no, don't try to sit in the front of the bus cause no one cares, the whites will never change, they know what they are doing is wrong, they don't care etc. etc. etc. There were enviormentalists and hippies who thought the general population would never care about the Ozone layer or the atmosphere or global warming. Their were women who thought women would never get to vote, why even try etc.
The point is, do we just sit here and watch injustice and cruelty repeat itself? Or do we call it for what it is. INFORM people about it and put it out there. Slowly people may change. I think that it would be awesome for you to let OP know the damage that they caused. I think it would be great for you to do it in a way that is as informative as possible. I think it would be great for them to know what role they played. They may not respond. They may continue to fill their facebook up with smiling and kissy photos. They may act like they have done no wrong. But I think it will affect them, whether they admit it or not. And I also think that it will feel good for you to get it off your chest. Truth always wins in the end. Even Rome only lasted a thousand years, but the truth will live on forever.
I was ready to give up the idea until I read your post whitelight and now I need to give it more thought if my R with XH is really over..does it matter? I would inform OW in the best way..i would have help with the letter and it would be to the point and in the end, she can walk away with Xh and the total truth but the BS will be forvever over and my side of street will be clean she will never have to wonder if it WAS OK? I will never have to wonder and be angry for not telling my truth\ and she can determine on her own if I am a pyscho
XH and I are going to parenting therapy in the next few weeks I think I decided on therapist I will not send anything until our sessions are complete
still in love: thank you for visiting I loved your desciption of the possible personality disorders of xh OW your friendship and wisdom has helped throughout the journey
thank you all peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Okay, here's my question: If you tell your _WAS_ the truth, will they accept it as truth or will they discount it and make excuses and think of you as a pathetic, manipulative person grasping at straws?
I think that unless OP really and truly had no idea that WAS was M, then it's very likely that OP is cut from the same cloth as WAS. Are they going to feel guilty or change their feelings or behavior if you lay it all out for them? Probably not. Are they going to twist whatever you say to make it fit their warped worldview? Very likely.
I suspect that most people in adulterous R's, whether they are M themselves or not, are categorically unable to mentally assimilate what the LBS has to say. It would completely burst their bubble, so they will figure out a way around the truth so that they don't have to look themselves in the mirror and gasp, "What have I done?"
In short, I think it would most likely be useless at best and detrimental at worst, in terms of results in any of the R's involved, and would most likely give you a net loss in your life. I really think that writing it and burning it would give you better results long-term.
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I too was not for writing the letter until I read Whitelight's reasoning. Now I'm not so sure.
I will share with you that I am the child of a D. My mother was a WAS who married OM and it has lasted over 25 years. In these years I have learned that I have a wonderful stepfather when I look beyond the slime of the OP persona. However, my mother, has not had the same experience. She left my father, for a man just like my father. Many times she has thought of another D but she hasn't done it because she says she will find someone else with the same issues. I guess she sort of learned one lesson (LOL). To this day, she still refuses to see the damage she did to me and my sister. No matter how often or in how many ways we tell her, she just doesn't understand. I don't know if stepfather does or not. Now that I am facing D, all she can say is "now maybe you can understand why I did what I did." I can't but I don't run from my problems so....
My point with that is simply that writing the letter will make you feel better. But I doubt very much that it will make any sort of difference in the thinking of the OP or H. Write it and burn it. It will get the negativity out of you. It will help you to heal.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
There was a time when I would have told you that you were wasting your time. I have been on this path for almost 7 years and certainly understand a whole more now than I did then. Being in the business of helping others work through their personal problems, I should have seen more clearly exactly what was going on in my own life.
If you really feel you have nothing to lose then do it. After my divorce I too sent a letter to my ex. In retrospect I now see that it was much to early in his MLC travels for him to even consider anything that I had to say. In fact his response as I remember it was, "you must know someone that you can talk to because you obviously are having trouble with acceptiance and moving on." Another blow to the gut.
Fast forward 7 years. My ex now sees things in a very different light. He has referred to the letter and told me how it "made him angry because he still felt that I was trying to control him." The strange thing was that he kept it. From time to time he would run across it and had to deal with what he had done to his family. I never did ask him if he would re-read it, but I do know that just seeing it made him have to deal with the pain and hurt that he left in his wake. He now understands the damage that he has done and has even started with the apologies by trying to right some wrongs. It takes a very longtime for such troubled people to accept the reality of what they have done. So if you can do this with no expectations, you will probably lift this hurt and pain that you are carrying.
I now know that by writing what I did I planted a seed that even though originally denied with anger has always been with him. The truth can only be pushed aside for so long until it has to be dealt with. Let's face it. As we move along in life we all have regrets. Sometimes it takes years for them to resurface and for us to muster the courage to deal with them. When we deal in truth, our lives can only get better.
I like the advice that the previous posters have given. WL made some very deep and thoughtful points.
Cat, I would like to add that just because your Mother doesn't have it in her to give you the apology that you deserve, that doesn't mean she doesn't carry the guilt with her. She must be a very damaged person to not want or to not know how to do this. Being that she is living in a situation where she has admitted to once again not being happy, speaks volumes. Unfortunately, some people just don't understand unconditional love or true happiness. How could they if they have never felt it?
yesterday whille kids were playing at park I wrote thr letter several times revised it and ripped it to shreds I felt OK
when we got home--just an hour or so after I wrote the letter XH Calls D 14 tells her he LOVES her and misses her very much this is very UNUSUAL for XH to call D on his day off from visiting--he Never calls unless they call first Today I saw him at work he looks confused..sort of devastated womder what is up in his world peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
You have really had some interesting posts on this thread. I personally wouldn't send the letter because I believe the OP will do everything to pick it apart and find a way to twist it around to their advantage. I hate to back down on what is moral and right however I have learned over the years that there is no point to try to be rational with the irrational...and IMO, if the OP's were rational people, they never would have gotten involved with someone who is married.
I have always found letter writing very cathartic even if I don't send the letter. Somewhere buried in a box, I have letters I wrote 15 years ago to my XH and his OW. They would be interesting to read now. I am not sure why I kept some of them.
I hope your XH's "out of the norm" contact with your D continues. Try not to give too much head space to it...for now just appreciate it for what it is worth.
i think its fine, i would have done the same thing...
last year i spotted a hairclip in his car, he threw it out himself when i flipped...
another time, when h had moved home, i noticed one day in the garage a baseball mitt -- too small to be his, too big to be my son's, and it was a righty mitt, im a lefty--- only one other person that it belonged to---I THREW IT OUT!!!!! how dare he bring it into my garage when he moved home????
dont beat yourself up...u did what anyone of us would do.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09