I hate my H

[Done in VA]

Thanks so much for your input, Sandi.

Do you suspect an EA? If he isn't interested emotionally with OW, he is a prime target. We'll talk more about that later.

I have no idea. Although, I have now stopped snooping, I was for awhile. He started a new job about 3 months ago (after the bomb) so it's not like there would be a continuous coworker infatuation. Before he got the new job, he worked with me (not that there couldn't have been SOMEONE), but not your typical office situation. He is not sneaky, doesn't use the computer at home, leaves his cell phone laying around unlocked(which I have checked previously & never found anything), I checked cell phone records - nothing. He comes home straight from work, that sort of thing. People have said he may have a 2nd phone, but I searched high & low & never found one. I eventually decided snooping would eat me alive. Just like WAH, I can't control how he feels or what he does so if he has A, there is nothing I can do anyways. I know anything is possible & know that he is a prime target for some sort of A. The funny thing is - I am as well so trying to keep myself out of tempting situations.

In reading the dos & don'ts I am already applying the majority of them. Should I mirror what he does...or simply never call him? That's where I get confused.

[sandi2]

Dear Hopeful,

It doesn't "sound" as if your H is in an EA, so maybe you won't have to deal with that. It could be that stress from different areas in life has caught up with him. He could be depressed. People can be depressed and not recognize it. Sounds odd, but if he is not contented in his life and feels unhappy but doesn't know the source, then you would become his primary target b/c you are "there" and it just happens. Like when you have a disease and take it out on the one closest to you. I don't "know" that that is what's going on. I have not been a LBW, but I have had to deal with other issues where I was the one "closest" to the person having problems and it is a miserable place to be. So if this is something similiar with your H, you will have a hard road to travel, but as I said before, you first need to know for sure if you are ready to stick it out and do the work. It won't be easy, but it is very possible to turn this around.

Should I mirror what he does...or simply never call him? That's where I get confused.

No, do NOT mirror what he does if it is negative. Your natural feelings will "want" to treat him in whatever manner he's treating you, but if you do that, then a D is certain. I can see where it would be hard for a LBS to grasp. Regarding returning emails, calls, TM's, etc.........don't contact him "first" unless it is a real emergency. Wait for him to contact you. The DR book teaches us to wait a little bit before returning the call. Don't wait so long that he stirs up his wrath, but the point is to appear to be unavailable to his crooked finger beconing to "come". Does that make sense? In my day, the single girls "played hard to get" and mostly faded away when Women's Lib hit the scene. But there was an old expression, "he chased her until she caught him" was very true. She was not so easy for him to get her to date him, and therefore she captured his interest even more. If she had jumped at the chance to go out with him and was hanging all over him, then she would not have been near as attractive and in fact, would have probably turned his interest in her the other direction.

In a way, you are that girl who is wanting to be attractive to him and cause him to chase you. This may really go against the grain, and it may sound as if I'm telling you to play games and not be honest......but that is not it at all. I don't know exactly how to put it into words, but I can tell you that we humans want what we think we can't have. If your H thinks he can't have you, then guess what will happen? He will suddenly become very interested in pursuing you. When you stop become so available, then you become attractive. It is how our nature works.

Almost every LBS that we tell that principle to is afraid to apply it b/c they are scared the WAS will think they are no longer wanting to work in the MR. If you follow the list I gave....and most of all study the DR book, and you "balance" the principles (by understanding how they work) then he will become attracted to you and will not want to leave the M.

You take up for yourself and never allow him to step on you like a doormat. You must have self-respect and show healthy self-esteem. However, do not be baited into an argument or treat him with the same "mood" that he may be showing when he's around the house, etc. Try to keep a PMA and throw yourself into doing things you enjoy. People who are busy and love life are interesting. You want to show that you are having a positive point of view and do not talk in a negative way around him and stay upbeat the best you can. People like being around another person who is energetic and positive. You have to learn to do this without appearing to pursue him. Men hate for their W's to purue them when the man is wanting out of the R. It is his nature to pursue the woman and therefore he needs to get back to that place where he will "want" to do that. Of course, you know not to act clingly or needy by things you say or do.....b/c that is a huge turn-off.

As I said before, I can see where you are feeling a lot of anger and I don't blame you for that. However, in order to make this succeed, you have to get "your" head together and know what you want to do and then start DBing.

Continue to post here b/c that is where your support will come from. Don't talk about him to family or friends. It will hurt your R if you do. Reach out to others here on the board.

BTW, maybe I need to clearify something about the mirroring his behavior....if he has "positive" actions, then I think you should respond warmly to that behavior. Where ML and things like that are concerned, it would be up to you. People have different POV about living under the same roof and having sex. But, the main thing is not trade out bad behavior for more bad behavior. If you see him "trying" to show positive attitude/actions, then I think you should respond in like manner.

I'll check back. If you have any other questions or if I have confused you even more, please let me know.

Sandi

[mindfull]

Hi Hopeful. We have VERY similar situations!!! I have to run out, but wanted to say hi and Bookmark your thread for later, so I can read it all, and respond fully. Sandi really got me kickstarted back in November. I think I can benefit by some re-reading of solid advice, as well. Be well, and ill. Be back later!!

[drew7]

oh good i've been looking for that list again.. glad I ran into it..

Drew

[mindfull]

Hopeful... Took awhile, but I finished your thread.

Cute wife (check!) LOL
Best friends (check!)
Couple people would be shocked to hear have issues (check!)
H w/family who shut down others completely if they have issues w/them (check!)
Chicago native! (Check!). Still close - 60 min W of ORD
H emotionally and physically checked out (check!)

You are much further along in this journey. I'm (for the most part) a teared up idiot! However, I will say, I would not be this far down the road in this sitch without DR/DB and the advice I've been given.

I have no experience w/MC's but I hate yours!!!

[sandi2]

Hi Drew and Mindblank! Good to hear from you both. Mindblank, I actually found my more updated list of "Do's & Don'ts" on your old thread. I lost mine when my computer crashed. Anyway, thought I would add the last ones and if they overlap, you all just be patient...lol. Maybe I will get it together now. I don't want to wear anyone out with this list, but if it helps to use as a guideline, I'm happy to pass it alone.

List Continued.....

22.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
25.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
26.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
27.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
28.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
39.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
30.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
31.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
32.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
33.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
34.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

[JR09]

Sandi,

I need your guidance if you don't mind my asking. I have been separated from my WAW for a year. I'm going to link up with her for the 4th time next WED 1 JUL so I can have the boys for 2 weeks.

My wife has filed for divorce 5 months ago but hasn't done anything about it. I'd like to ask her to have lunch with me or something like that. Is it too much? Does it sound too desperate? What would be the best approach with her after 1 year of separation? I would like her to notice that I have truly made changes. How do I go about doing this when the only time we'll have is when I load up the kids' bags into my car?

Just wondering if you have any guidance I could use...

JR09

[Done in VA]

Hi Sandi,

Thanks for all the advice. Makes sense & I can do it. My biggest question is MC. MC likes to discuss "changes" my H has seen in me, etc. From everything I've read, it sounds like this is a negative thing. Any suggestions on how to get around this? I'm also thinking MC might be a waste. MC never spoke of WAS Syndrome - not that it is a true medical diagnosis, but I think she should have said - don't cry in front of him, start GALing, etc. She never told me not to talk about R. We started MC in Feb & I never figured out what was going on with H until picking up the DR in April. I think of how much time was wasted. I think MC should have known a little more of what to do vs. not to do based on conversations with H.

[Done in VA]

Well it really sucks that we are both in similar sitches - I hate that we are here. I am currently in Wheaton (leave today) - are you close to that? Sounds like you might be a little further maybe st. charles or geneva.

[Done in VA]

Well after 7 days out of town, H will be picking me up from the airport tonight...I was thinking if there were any lulls in the conversation on the drive home, I would pull out my phone, check texts, start laughing, say something vague like "Laura (friend I was just visiting) is so crazy" & text back....something to let him know what a great time I had while gone, that my life went on, something like that...already told friend she might be getting some weird texts this evening!