WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[sandi2]

Stuck has been giving you excellent advice! I'm kind of proud of him since I feel like I helped raise him... (Just kidding, Stuck)

I don't want to just be friends with the woman I love. But I will cross that bridge when I get there.

When you said this, it reminded me of my H telling me that he had no intentions of being "friends".....if I left him. It shocked me and it hurt. I think it was a reality check I needed. Oh, I fantasized about life with the OM, but it was only a dream. I think I knew all the time that it could never work out between me and OM.....but I stubbornly held on to the fantasy.

I see your wife having way too much contact with you to be all that serious about D you. She "finds" excuses to contact you. All that business with her feet and her back.......bologna! Oh, she may have pain.....but it's funny she turns to you to help her out. I can tell you that when I was an almost WAW....there was no way I wanted my H to touch my feet, my back,..or anywhere else! I did not want to be anywhere around him, or even hear his voice. That is how women are if they really are fed up with their H's and are serious about leaving. I know she's left you, but something is not right about this. She wants to be around you too much for me to believe she truly wants a D. She can find "friends" in other people....right? So, why is she there so much and why is she calling and TM so much? Maybe you don't see much possibility....but I do. I think she needed to see some changes in you and that she needs to get some issues in her head straighten out. I believe the silver lining is growing, so don't give up.

Take care,
Sandi

[confusedinpa]

I don't know why I even bother sometimes as it puts puts such emotional stress on the boys (namely my 7 year old).

It was bugging me that my wife hadn't talked to the boys in a while (I had them since Tues nite) so I decided to have them call her tonite to say goodnite. She had said in the past that the parent with the kids should be the one to call the other to say goodnite. She had done that most of the time when she had the kids and when she doesn't call by their bed time, I call to say goodnite. I told her that she is always welcome to call, but when I had asked the boys if they want to call her, they often say no as it hurts them when she doesn't answer.

So, since she hadn't talked to the kids in a couple of days, I told my boys we're going to call mommy to say goodnite tonite. They noticed it wasn't a request so they came to the speaker phone as it rang. It killed me when I saw the look on my boys face when they heard it went to voice mail. I just told them both to say goodnite, which they did and I hung up.

My 7 year old held back his tears while my 3 year old kept asking "What happened? Why didn't she answer? She'll call back tonite so its ok". My 7 year old told my 3 year old "No, this was her choice." My 3 year old asked "To not answer?" My 7 year old responded "No. Leaving" It really hurt me to hear that exchange.

I gave them both hugs and kisses and said that they did a great job leaving a message as we got ready to read books before bed time.

Needless to say, she never called back tonite. Both of the boys just went to bed. I knew it was really bugging my 7 year old.

I really don't know why I am fighting for this as she seems so checked out of this marriage.

I know I need to keep fighting for my boys and I do want us back together.

This really s*cks!

[wolverine1997]

Hey man, as long as you want it then you shouldn't give up. No matter what happens at least you will no that you did all that you could and you will have no regrets. Also, the kids are watching and see what you both are doing. They see that you are doing all that you can. She is going to live to regret her decisions.

[confusedinpa]

Stuck has been giving you excellent advice! I'm kind of proud of him since I feel like I helped raise him... (Just kidding, Stuck)

Sandi - you have definitely done a nice job raising him ;-)

I don't want to just be friends with the woman I love. But I will cross that bridge when I get there.

When you said this, it reminded me of my H telling me that he had no intentions of being "friends".....if I left him. It shocked me and it hurt. I think it was a reality check I needed. Oh, I fantasized about life with the OM, but it was only a dream. I think I knew all the time that it could never work out between me and OM.....but I stubbornly held on to the fantasy.

I had actually told her that when, about six weeks before she moved out, she started going on about how she will always be looking for a reason to change her mind and that even divorced people can get back together and remarried. I cut her off at that point and told her that if we get divorced, that we will not even be friends as I can't be friends with the woman I love and not be able to show her.

I see your wife having way too much contact with you to be all that serious about D you. She "finds" excuses to contact you. All that business with her feet and her back.......bologna! Oh, she may have pain.....but it's funny she turns to you to help her out. I can tell you that when I was an almost WAW....there was no way I wanted my H to touch my feet, my back,..or anywhere else! I did not want to be anywhere around him, or even hear his voice. That is how women are if they really are fed up with their H's and are serious about leaving. I know she's left you, but something is not right about this. She wants to be around you too much for me to believe she truly wants a D.

I really seems to come in spurts where we spend a lot of time together and then it almost seems like she has gotten her "taste/hit" and then retreats. I'm really not sure what is going on with her, other than she is trying to set things up so we will be best friends post divorce. Others have said that she is stringing me along to keep me as back up until she finds someone new.

Either way, I do take the opportunity for when we are together to show her the best CIPA I can be, but at the same time show her that I don't need her. I want her but know that I will be fine without her. A very subtle difference but very important distinction. If she does wind up leaving, it will be her loss. I know that I will be fine. It will also be a loss for my boys, but I will do everything I can to minimize their loss.

She can find "friends" in other people....right? So, why is she there so much and why is she calling and TM so much? Maybe you don't see much possibility....but I do. I think she needed to see some changes in you and that she needs to get some issues in her head straighten out. I believe the silver lining is growing, so don't give up.

Take care,
Sandi

Thanks for the encouraging outlook. I was really bumming tonite, not because of me, but because of my boys. Your post really helped lift my spirits some. I know that the only thing I can control are my changes. The rest (seeing them and getting some issues in her head straightened out) is up to her, I can't control that.

I'm not giving up. I'm continuing to work on what I can control and making sure that my future as long as my boys will be great.

Thanks again for checking in on me.

Take care

[confusedinpa]

Hey man, as long as you want it then you shouldn't give up. No matter what happens at least you will no that you did all that you could and you will have no regrets. Also, the kids are watching and see what you both are doing. They see that you are doing all that you can. She is going to live to regret her decisions.

Thanks Wolverine1997.

The boys are the a big reason why I keep going. I kills me when I see them hurting. This is suppose to be the BEST time of their lives, but instead, it is a very painful time for them. My wife had even said that she knows that she's going look like the bad guy to them as she is the one who left. She had gone on about how they won't understand right now all the "pain" that she had to endure in the past. I had told her that it was the past and I've learned from it and know that I, along with the boys, will have a better life because of it. It's up to her to decide if she wants to be part of that.

I do know if it does go the wrong way in this situation, I will have no problem looking my boys in the eye and telling them that I had done everything that I could to keep our family together.

Thanks for dropping by and offering your support and ecouragement. It has been a rough nite, but I should be used to that by now.....

[wolverine1997]

Hey, we gotta help each other. So many of you guys have offered me encouragement. The kids are a great inspiration. Mine help me a lot, they just don't know it. And yes, your wife is going to look like the bad guy but that just shows where her head is right now. What is it about the past that scrambles some wives minds? Mine says the same thing about the past even though I don't know how I have made her past so terrible. Why would you allow your past to define your future? But hang in there, if she sees that you have truly made changes her attitude and thinking may change.

[sandi2]

Your W may be keeping you in "storage" (so to speak) in case this other life she's pursuing doesn't work out for her. Doesn't make you feel better to think that, but maybe it's better than her having a lot of hatred like most WAW's have toward their LBH.

I am still very concerned about your boys. I want to encourage you to be extremely careful in the answers you give to their questions. Let me show you an example of how your 7 yr. old is quoting you:

My 7 year old told my 3 year old "No, this was her choice."

Now, I realize there are a lot of sharp little kids out there these days, but that sounds too much like what he's heard daddy say about mommy. In fact, I'm almost certain that you posted where you've told the boys that it was her choice if she did or didn't do something.

You see, in your own personal pain, it is very difficult not to show your anger or hurt in your explanations to the kids' questions. I know b/c I have done the same thing when mine were little and propably the majority of parents have. However, being as smart as they are.....it hits them in a very deep place that leaves scars and I know that no matter what your W does to you that you don't want the boys to suffer.

I tell you what I would do if I were in your place and saw the reaction that my children had when they were not able to talk to their other parent on the phone. If they seem to be more devasted and feel "rejected" by her when she isn't home to talk to them.....if that seems worse than "not" phoning....then I would tell her that she can call when she's available to talk to them b/c you are not going to watch them go to bed with their hearts broken. It is not fair to them.

I think somewhere deep down in your soul, you are still wanting to make that contact with her but the boys are your shield to the real reason for calling. Maybe you try to cover up your own emotions when you hear that voice mail come on the phone, but the kids may be able to read your face.....and we both know that's not good for them. You cannot make her be a good mother and be home to call the kids. Does she not have a cell phone? You see, this is your way of finding out she's not home and it upsets you. Right? You can deny it, but I know it is true. Sometimes people are blind to their own actions, so I'm just trying to point out a possibility.

I may have knocked the props out that I built up last night. I hope not, b/c I only want you to learn from this so that you can be more objective in the future. Pain clouds our judgment as parents, S's, friends, ....in every way we are a person! It often times takes somebody who is detached from the problem to see.

Hope you have a good weekend and hope your stitch gets better real soon.

Take care,
Sandi

[confusedinpa]

Your W may be keeping you in "storage" (so to speak) in case this other life she's pursuing doesn't work out for her. Doesn't make you feel better to think that, but maybe it's better than her having a lot of hatred like most WAW's have toward their LBH.

Sandi,

I really don't know what would be better, her being like the typical WAW that's full of anger/hatred or the roller coaster that my wife is putting me through. I really don't know what this other life is that she's pursuing, but the last time she came over to watch our kids when I went to talk to a recruiter, she had brought over some self help book talking about the secret to the finding success and happiness in life. I forget the name of the book, but thought it was odd.

Her favorite book is actually "The Secret" which talks about something similiar (in fact she mentioned that I should read it she thinks it would help me). She had said that she wanted to share it with me in the past but knew I wouldn't be receptive to it. She thinks that I'm of a different mindset know and may actually appreciate it. Not sure if that's her way of saying that she see's that I've changed or what....

I am still very concerned about your boys. I want to encourage you to be extremely careful in the answers you give to their questions. Let me show you an example of how your 7 yr. old is quoting you:

My 7 year old told my 3 year old "No, this was her choice."

Now, I realize there are a lot of sharp little kids out there these days, but that sounds too much like what he's heard daddy say about mommy. In fact, I'm almost certain that you posted where you've told the boys that it was her choice if she did or didn't do something.

I know I do have to be careful of what I say and how I say it. I know I've made mistakes in the past that you've pointed out to me. Right now, when they bring things up about her, I try to change the topic or say that it's an adult thing that mommy and daddy are working out.

Ever since my cousin, who's parent are divorced, told me that her greatest pain growing up was being scared for her parents. She was scared how her mom was going to make it as well as her dad (who was a bum who never worked).

So I'm much more sensitive to my boys feeling scared or sad, either for themselves or for me. I'm trying to be the rock for them as I should be. It is hard sometimes as I do catch myself tearing up occassionally when I see them so happy and full of life. They are the ones who are paying the greatest price and will bear the greatest burden in this ordeal. I know I need to be sure that I do not add to it.

Thanks for the 2x4 in reminding me of that.

I tell you what I would do if I were in your place and saw the reaction that my children had when they were not able to talk to their other parent on the phone. If they seem to be more devasted and feel "rejected" by her when she isn't home to talk to them.....if that seems worse than "not" phoning....then I would tell her that she can call when she's available to talk to them b/c you are not going to watch them go to bed with their hearts broken. It is not fair to them.

That's a good suggestion, I will talk to her about that the next time an opportunity presents itself.

I think somewhere deep down in your soul, you are still wanting to make that contact with her but the boys are your shield to the real reason for calling. Maybe you try to cover up your own emotions when you hear that voice mail come on the phone, but the kids may be able to read your face.....and we both know that's not good for them. You cannot make her be a good mother and be home to call the kids. Does she not have a cell phone? You see, this is your way of finding out she's not home and it upsets you. Right? You can deny it, but I know it is true. Sometimes people are blind to their own actions, so I'm just trying to point out a possibility.

Whether I call her cell or her apt phone, I would know whether she is out or not. I don't even talk to her when the kids call to say goodnite. I just do the dialing for them and my boys know how to hang up the phone when it's done.

Pearsonally, I don't want to know whether she is home or not. I thinks that's one of the reasons why I am so reluctant to call her (which is why it is easy for me to maintain dark of not initiating any contact). Mentally and I'm working on the emotional piece of it, she has filed for divorce and left me. As Wifey pointed out, the old relationship and marriage is gone, there is nothing left. All I can do is try to develop a new relationship with her so she will see a CIPA that only a fool will leave.

I may have knocked the props out that I built up last night. I hope not, b/c I only want you to learn from this so that you can be more objective in the future. Pain clouds our judgment as parents, S's, friends, ....in every way we are a person! It often times takes somebody who is detached from the problem to see.

Sandi - I hope you realize by now that nothing that you "say" will ever take away any respect that I have for what you offer. I know it true act of kindness and compassion to "tell it like it is" even if it may be painful, but it is for my own good. I know that I'm not the most emotionally intelligent person in the world (remember I am a DAM) so I appreciate you taking the time to offer your thoughts and support.

I hope your continue to feel better and stay healthy.

Thank you

[confusedinpa]

It was a good Sat with the boys.

I woke up a little down as all I could think about was that my wife was going to take the boys tomorrow so it will be 3 more days before I see them again. I shook it off as I didn't want that to get me down for my day with the boys.

We had breakfast and went to the park to play. It poured last nite so my 3 year old was disappointed that the baseball field was too muddy to play, but he didn't fuss. We all had a good time as they played on the climber and road their bikes.

When we got back for lunch, my wife called. She started saying how she was really not feeling well as her stomach was bothering her all nite. She said that she threw up five times last nite and hadn't been able to keep anything down. I teased her by saying it sounded like a really bad hangover. She said she wished it was that but she thinks it's a stomach bug. She went on and on about how awful she felt.

I listened and tried to be supportive/compassionate as I asked if there was anything that she needed or wanted (i.e. Ginger Ale). She thanked me for the offer but said that she thinks she's got everything. Then after a few more minutes of her going on and on of how awful she felt, when she paused to catch her breath, I asked if she wanted to talk to the boys. The boys heard me say that as I saw their eyes open wide after I said it. She didn't answer and just kept going on. After several more minutes, I could see my boys getting anxious as they thought that she didn't want to talk to them.

So I said told her that the boys wanted to talk to her and asked if she was feeling ok to do that. She said yes. The boys went on about how much fun they had and all the goings on over the past couple of days. Then she went on with them about how awful she felt. The boys said that they hoped she felt better and then hung up.

I did send her a text with a "get well hug" in it (I know many will say that it's pursuing, but I would have done the same if it was a friend that called saying she wasn't feeling well). I was surprised when she sent me back a text saying thank you. In the past, when I sent her an email/text reply that had some "affection/pursuing" in it, she didn't reply.

Around 8PM she sent me a text saying how horrible she still felt and had just tried to eat some rice (first thing all day). I had thought about calling her to see how she was doing, but decided to wait as it didn't seem like a question.

Around 10PM, I sent her a text saying that it sounded like she had a rough day and hope she felt better tomorrow. She text me back right away and as I was reading it, she called me. She went on and on about how aweful she felt today and how she couldn't do anything. She was starting to feel a little better but just enough to stand for a couple of minutes at a time.

Then she abruptly said that she had to call me right back.

When she called back, I asked if everything was ok. She told me her friend who's brother (42) was dying, had text her to let her know he had died today. She went on about how sad it was and how it really makes you think about things. I told her that it is amazing how many twists life throws at people. In the back of my mind though, I was wondering who this guy was that, on the day his brother died, while with his mother, texts her to let her know that he passed away. She kept talking about it and I got that the guy is married and is in his upper 40's and also talks to one of her girlfriends about his brother.

Anyway, she got back to how she was feeling and then started talking about just other stuff (i.e. work and a few shows that she watched today, etc.). After about 15 minutes, when I sensed the conversation was slowing, I ended the call by saying I hope she felt better and we could talk to tomorrow to see if she needed anything.

I do hope that she will want me to keep the kids another day. My boys had asked about that tonite after bath time - saying that if mommy wasn't feeling well, maybe we could get a bonus day together. I told them that we would have to see, but if that's what they wanted, they could always ask.

So another week goes by since my wife filed for divorce and moved out and I've lost my job.

I really need something good to come my way.....

[sandi2]

Hummmmm......is this something she use to do when she got sick? Would she lean on you to comfort her or "wait" on her to help her get better? Did you feel she was "over doing" it by constantly going on about how bad she felt?

Glad you are having a great time with your boys. You are doing a wonderful job in giving of yourself to them while in this bad stitch and they will remember when they get older and it will cause a strong bond between you and your sons.

Talk later,
Sandi