Every now and then, relationships make you feel as if you've been cursed -- that's when they're not working out the way you want them to. The truth, however, is that when emotional situations don't work out the way they should -- in your opinion, anyway -- that doesn't mean the powers that be are angry, or that they're not listening to your silent pleas. It means that they have a slightly different opinion about what's good for you. Resolve to accept whatever comes along with a good attitude.
My son's best friend is having his birthday party today, and they were worrying out loud about the weather (it's raining - AGAIN!!) I said hey, if you want to throw in some work, you can have it here.
And so, the "man room" has been transformed! With the help of two teens, my D10, and me. I am SO pleased with it!!!! The space had become a dead zone since the x moved out 7/07 (he had been sleeping down there the last few months, and it is also where their relationship was consumated - eww). The mice, spiders and clutter had taken over.
We cleaned, put down baking soda on the carpets and furniture, vacuumed, febreezed, shined, rearranged...Even had the in-laws come down and take the last of the booze that they wanted, and I'll sell/give away the rest at a tag sale. I want to be the house where all the kids come to hang out - then I know where mine are, get to know their friends, etc. The room has a gas fireplace, pool table, air hockey, fridge and microwave, slushy maker, wet bar (which will soon be sans alcohol), computer with internet that I can set up controls on, an older large screen tv with tapes and dvds, surround sound, board games.... I wish I had it growing up! I hope this is the first of many days and nights that they will use it. Now, to really think about the pool....
What started out as a spur-of-the-moment idea turned out to be a great feat of accomplishment!
Doesn't that feel great I still have stuff in storage from the XM -- long story, we've moved a few times and house is under construction -- but the old stuff is like an albatross. I WANT IT GONE.
The new rec room sounds great! Can you spend $20 on creative decorating?
You both married someone who was very different than what you really want in a mate. The marriage was never going to be one that met both your needs. It was a mismatch. Maybe it is time to countenance that XH was right -- divorce was the best thing. Of course, his path was not OK, but that does not mean that divorce was not ultimately the best thing for each of you.
Reflecting on this when I ran across this:
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..Too Young The divorce rate for those 20 years old or younger is a whopping 85%—that means only 15% of all marriages between couples who are 20 years old or younger will survive. One key reason why these marriages dissolve is that a strong concept of self-identity needs to develop in someone before being matched well with someone with whom they can spend the rest of their lives.
Too Eager When a person’s self-identity is not yet as developed as it could be, he or she may believe that marriage will make them whole and emotionally secure. Once married, however, they may find that their personal problems are still there, leading to disillusionment and sadness. In some extreme cases, someone in this situation may even project anger and resentment onto their spouse because their spouse hasn’t made them whole. Other times, a person’s concept of self-identity has been through substantial changes from the ending of a relationship or a series of relationships. Divorcees and those who have recently lost a partner are especially vulnerable to being over-eager to get married because they can feel so emotionally bad about themselves, and in general, that they feel the pain they are experiencing will magically go away once married. This notion is the farthest from the truth. Taking self-improvement steps to rebuild emotional health is necessary before partnering with another..."
X and I were together since I was 16, him 15. He started to propose marriage to me within 6 months of dating; gave me a promise ring 9 months into the relationship, just 2 months past his 16th birthday and days before I turned 17.
Like I said in an earlier post, I guess I should be amazed that it lasted as good and as long as it did. I just thought we were one of the lucky ones, truly blessed.
I guess my own fog has lifted.
On one hand, I can clearly see areas of incompatibility. But, part of me still sees the potential that we had, that he had, to grow along side each other, if he had chosen that path. Here's the thing, though - he didn't it.
I still don't believe in divorce. This is a marriage that could have been saved. But a more recent question I am coming up against....should it have? Then, I look at my kids and think, Yes. I wonder if I will feel the same when they are grown. I wonder if it would have been me who slowly fell out of love when the nest was empty, and I was left with a man who is a "light thinker," watches poker, fishing and NASCAR, etc. and falls asleep by 9 every night. I wonder if I would have ever realized his capacity to lie, betray trust, his lack of communication skills, etc. What would it have taken?
The IC said something to me this week.... when I was growing up, I learned to hold on for dear life, no matter how much it hurt, no matter if I ever got anything back out of it. Fear of abandonment was on an equal plane as my fear of death (and my mom played on that).
Apparently, I have a special, unique capacity to love, beyond reason. If that is a flaw, then I'll take it. It makes me more vulnerable, but I'd rather risk it than not feel deeply at all.
A realization - I am unusually open to loving others, even those who might not deserve it - unconditionally. Fiercely loyal, often naive. My sister, raised in the same household (although 10 years difference), is afraid to open herself up to loving anyone at all. In fact, she goes out of her way to NOT have contacts and connections with other people.
Me, I think I have a secret t-shirt that says "Please Love Me" printed on it.
Glad that I have been working on asking myself to do that recently! And it seems to be working - I'm pretty content with my life right now. Who knew?
I did not realize that young marriage had such a high failure rate, but it does make sense. But 100 or more years ago, people seemed to marry at such a young age. Guys would sometimes have to marry more than once because of the higher mortality rate women experienced giving birth.
My cousin, who is 1 year older than me, got pregnant when she was 15 and went to Nevada to get married. She is still married to the same guy and is now a Grandma. I have also since heard that 2 other cousins who married young experienced affairs, but their marriages survived.
Donna, there is nothing peculiar with being fiercly loyal, unconditionally loving and naive. It was the norm at one time. Unfortunately, it is rare in this age.
One key reason why these marriages dissolve is that a strong concept of self-identity needs to develop in someone before being matched well with someone with whom they can spend the rest of their lives.
I agree with this to a certain point, but I believe it has less to do with calendar age other than as a by-product. The problem is that regardless of actual age, one's mental age is more critical.
Don't forget that in olden days (as when our great grandparents were young) people were quite often getting hitched in their teens, but successful marriages were just as likely. I believe the fact that people were less coddled and had to grow up faster was a key factor -- people matured mentally more quickly, and thus they were more established in their character sooner than today's so-called adults. Plus, there was less of this arrogant sense of entitlement our modern culture promotes.
We have adults today who refuse to mature mentally, but then our culture actually encourages that thinking. (I have a "kid" brother who will turn 40 next year who I think will never really grow up.)
So, I think whenever you have two people secure in their own individuality and have established their adult characters, regardless of their actual ages, you have the foundations for a sustained relationship. It's just as I have told others, you each have to bring a whole person into a marriage, not half of a person, or else it won't work.
(Now why couldn't I follow my own advice when it came to my now xW?!?)
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Apparently, I have a special, unique capacity to love, beyond reason. If that is a flaw, then I'll take it. It makes me more vulnerable, but I'd rather risk it than not feel deeply at all.
I am meeting my ex tomorrow at the kids' IC, who had also agreed to do our co-parenting training. This is at his request.
I am glad some time has gone by since I was able to express my current state to him; I don't feel the driving need to go back over things, anymore. There are a few small loose ends of things I need him to hear, but that should be a small portion of tomorrow's time. I plan on speaking little and listening a lot.
