This is from one of my threads from back in February. Thought it might help some people here:
Detachment is the key. In hindsight I know what I did wrong.
1. Didn't GAL 2. Didn't detach enough. Fooled myself into thinking that I was. 3. Pushed too hard for her to work on her issues. Even confronted her a few times when they came out in all their glory. 4. Backslid too many times based on her inappropriate behavior that I called her on 5. Was way too clingy/desperate when the bomb dropped. This is one of the biggest ones that hurt my chances. Alot of damage was done in that first month and a half.
So for any newbies - DETACH like you will die if you don't. It's kind of a catch 22 though. I didn't know what detaching really was until recently - and it took my W saying she wanted a D to actually get me to the point where I actually understood what detachment really meant.
To me (now) detachment means:
1. To not care what the outcome will be. And I mean really not care - not just lip service because it's not heading south. When my sitch was heading north, it was easy to convince myself I was detached because the horizon looked good. It was a false sense of detachment, it was actually comfortability disguised as detachment - because it looked like it was going to work out the way I wanted it to.
The only way you'll know that you're really detached is that no matter which way the situation seems to be headed you will feel the same way - no rollercoaster ride. If you get there, then you're really detached.
2. To detach from your own feelings about the situation. Don't let your feelings dictate how you are going to feel/act or what you're going to say. As a LBS our feelings are often attached to our spouse in such an unhealthy way that we are focused more on interpreting their actions, guessing their thoughts and feelings, trying to control their thoughts/feelings/actions by what we do/say.
I see it so much in my behavior over the last 9 months since the bomb dropped. I used WAY TOO MUCH energy thinking about things that I couldn't control, thinking about the future by doing negative projection, trying to take the temperature of the sitch, trying to guess what my W was thinking/feeling, interpreting her behaviors and trying to establish a connection between her actions and her thoughts/feelings. I have to say, I never guessed right. So put an end to it RIGHT NOW.
3. To detach from your spouse. And I mean really detach. When you: Aren't thinking about what she may be thinking, aren't concerned about what she is doing, aren't snooping to find out information, aren't trying to gauge which direction she is heading in relation to your sitch, aren't adjusting your actions to have an 'effect' on your W, aren't doing things to elicit a response, aren't focused on her issues, aren't focused on her behavior, aren't gauging your self-worth based on what you perceive to be her feelings about you - then you'll know you have detached from her.
When you get a life for yourself. Do the things you like to do without any thought of how it will in some way 'improve' your chances of reconciliation. When you stand up and keep your head high no matter what is going on around you. When you not only believe, but you actually KNOW that you will be fine no matter what the outcome. Then you will have detached.
Anything else is a false sense of detachment. It will be many things disguised as detachment. So be wary of when you think you are detached. If things head south, then you'll really know if you are or not.
I thought what I wrote above was flying in the face of the advice of doing 180's, but in reality it's not.
180's are doing things for yourself which you typically don't do. If we do them for the purpose of changing our sitch's they could easily backfire and put the final nail in the coffin. If that happens, how do you think you'll feel when you realize you did it to illicit a response only to get opposite what you wanted?
It's the 'if I do this, then that will happen' mentality. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I see now I put way too much energy into thinking about it. My shite often backfired...lol. Go figure.
The only 180 you need to do is this - WORK ON IMPROVING YOURSELF.
If you keep on improving yourself you'll have a natural 180. You will be constantly changing and improving and you'll be damn moving target. As you improve yourself:
You get more confident Your communication skills go up You learn to shut up and listen - really listen You learn to put yourself in the other persons position so that you can really understand where they're coming from Your self worth and self esteem goes up You start doing things you always wanted to do but didn't You start taking care of yourself physically You start a new hobby You go outside your safety zone and start doing different things (I'm gonna go jump out of a farkin airplane) You start to embrace your life (go watch Yes Man)
( Notice the things on that list have nothing to do with your spouse or your situation. I didn't do alot of these things - so learn from my mistakes. Keep your damn eyes off your spouse and your situation...and stick them on you)
Of course this list goes on and on....you pick the things you want to work on...but don't do it based on some 'effect'.
As you do these things, your happiness will go up. If they aint happening for you, well that's the map for what you need to work on. Constant 180's, made for you without intending them to 'change' your situation. You go for the ride, if they hop on then more power to you.
If they don't, well they just missed the best train they could have taken. Don't worry though, there are other stations ahead.
Remember this - 'Control is an Illusion'
And this - I could be wrong about all of it. Use it at your own risk or throw it into the shite pile with the rest of the cr@p.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Your post is a great read...I'm learning alot from everyone else on this board. Based on your description of detachment, I'm not there yet. I'm still concerned about what my W is thinking and doing. I'm still concerned about the impact my actions are having on her thought processes. There are times that I believe I don't give a heck, but that may be lip service or just a temporary feeling that quickly dissapates. My concern is that if I am successful in detaching, will my W perceive it as me being cold and uninterested in her...a signal for her to proceed with the next steps? We are separated but living in the same house with the kids. My DB coach as suggested that I be warm and compassionate ("kill her with kindness")as a 180. I am getting a life and I am focusing on becoming a better person. Fortunately, I am feeding my body and soul as I go through this unexpected challenge in my life.
Thanks, LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Great thread as I'm right at that "false detachment" point in my sitch (but I recognize it and am working on it). Thanks for sharing this, so many great pieces of advice on here. If only following them all was easy!
