True Love or True Fog? Changing Forums

[dl443322]

Basically when all is said and done, it all comes down to this; let go. Let go and live your life as best as you can. Take care of you and get a life and go to counseling and do what you can to live the best life that you can.

I truly believe that many times it is when we really and truly let go, that the WAS looks back. But dont do it for that reason. Do it because it is the healthy choice.

Pray that he comes back, if that's is what you want, but, live as if he's not.

[No Longer BH]

Exactly beginners!!!!! Well said.

[dl443322]

Why thank you, BH.

[Silver Fox]

Beginnersmind and Brokenhearted,

I can't thank you both enough for your advice and encouragement. I'm turning in early tonight but I will respond with more in the next day or 2.

BH - you put alot of effort and heart into that post. I need to read it many more times. I've done some research as well about "romantic" affairs and I've also read Private Lies and checked out the Marriage Builders website.

Please return to read and post more when you have time.

Thank you ladies!

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

BH--

Good stuff and I am glad I popped into Silver's thread and saw this today. I am about 19 months into my DH's long distance affair--complicated by a 7 month military deployment in the middle of it. I feel like I had started over at the beginning by the time he came home from deployment, but I am definitely in a MUCH better place than I was back at the beginning.

When I read the list of characteristics of a romantic affair, it was like reading my DH's script. I am doing all right and can wait as long as it takes for this all to fall apart. I have seen the OW beginning to put pressure on him and I know it is only a matter of time (of course, how much time who knows!). I take some comfort in knowing that there is a good chance that their relationship will implode. I just keep working on me and taking care of myself and the kids until that happens.

I am also completely prepared to move forward alone if need be. I know what my legal rights and entitlements are--DH has been paying for me to attend college and I am, ironically enough, studying Family Law. I have spoken informally with an attorney and she says she will also go after him for all legal fees. My mother will lend me the money for the retainer, though, if needed, to get things started. I pray it will not come to that.

DH is looking at, right now, having to give me about $3500 a month between spousal and child support. I do not want to even think about what I will be entitled to from his retirement and military savings plans. The attorney told me it will be substantial and DH can plan on not having much left post-retirement. The attorney is well-versed and reputable in dealing with military divorces from the spouse side. She almost always gets all that is asked for and is a bulldog when there is infidelity involved.

So, long story not so short, I am growing and learning who I am and what I want in my life. DH still has a place in it, albeit a small one right now. But, when he is ready to come home, I will be more than willing to expand it.

Thanks again.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[pearlharbr]

Hi Silver

Thinking about you today so wanted to check in. How are you doing?

[Silver Fox]

Thanks so much Pearl for checking up on me. I had to take a break - didn't mean for it to be so long! I spent most of it with my brother who lives on the coast, so I had lots of beach time. I checked in periodically to try and keep up with everyone but decided not to post.

H sent an email 2 weeks ago responding to my lengthy email questioning him about D terms. His response - "you asked so many questions I don't know where to begin" - and he didn't, just more of the same, saying "this offer is going to suck for me." Well boo hoo.

Now his L has requested a preliminary hearing for August 24. H sent another email saying that if we have an agreement it can be a "final hearing."

Operative word - AGREEMENT. We're not even close. And I promise I'm not trying to delay the D any longer. But there are huge decisions to be made concerning the house and alimony - decisions that will affect the rest of my life.

My blood did run cold for a minute when I read "final hearing". But I've come a long way in 2 years and 4 months. H refuses to give up the OW - has moved in with her - but still says things like "this is not about her". Bullsheet. She's controlling his every move. I'm sure she didn't think this would go on for 2 years either! But I'm also betting that she didn't realize she would inherit an MLC man/boy with no job, no health insurance, no house, no self esteem.

He insists on a D, he'll get his D. I'm doing a 180 now and completely embracing THE D. If H showed up on the doorstep tomorrow and asked for a second chance I would really, really have to think hard. Guess I've reached Mt. Detachment.

Funny story - I have an 18 year old niece, not very educated. Dropped out of high school to run off with her boyfriend. Came back alone and pregnant. Now trying to raise the child while waitressing. She tells me in her very southern accent "What you need to do is get yourself another man! Make yourself unavailable. Show that sorry jacka** your life is just too busy for him anymore and you'll do just fine without him!

[happynow]

Hi Silver Fox,

I think we posted to each other before & I've haven't posted in a long time either but I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you!

(((HUGS))))

[KarenMarieS]

this offer is going to suck for me." Well boo hoo.

LOL really, booflippinhoo eh?
really tho, it is amazing what these WA say and do Silver, they honestly think of themselves as a victim at times.

I remember when my ex ( then, STBX) came over after seeing a L and said ,,I have to give you alimony for life??? if i would of known that I wouldnt of left ya!
I thought oh yea?? well I would of left you eventually fella when I found out about your secret life! lol honestly!

You sound like a very smart, together woman Silver,I wish you a lot of luck, your attitude is healthy, although I know it is hard at times. I remember it well


Good Luck to you and ((( hugs )))

[Silver Fox]

Unfreakinbelievable. H sends me an email today saying he has SWINE FLU. He says it was too late to treat with Tamiflu so he just has to sweat it out. Is the universe trying to speak to him or what? He's still recovering from his appendectomy in June.

In the meantime he wants to know if we're going to "reach an agreement." Well, I guess we'd better soon before he completely falls apart!

Thank you KarenMarie and NLT for posting!