i didnt talk to my husband yesterday, kinda weird. my son called him and they spoke, i didnt bother to get on the phone.
That's not a bad thing you know......
Reading through your last several posts, I have noticed that you are way too focused on everything except where that focus needs to be. Sitting and wondering about what if, will tear you apart.
YOU, are letting that happen, and in doing so, you are enabling him to get away with whatever he wants to, cause he sees you , waiting for him, and he knows that you will always be an option for him.
DB'ing is about getting on with YOUR life while your spouse figures things out. You are gonna have to do your part.
You must find some positive in you right now. Maybe instead of saying that you are going to lose your house, think that you are going to get to go pick out a cute little place that you can make all your own.....That is just an example of course.
Things aren't always as they seem, and assuming that his life is perfect right now, well, that isn't always the case.
Get out and live life for you, do the work on you, and find more enjoyment than sorrow.
Detachment is truly a peaceful place for you.
You can still love him from a distance, but it is unhealthy for you to get bogged in his quicksand.
Read the MLC resources at the top of the page, and really understand what you are dealing with. Rational and MLC don't go together very often, so don't try to spin them together....
thanks...i do things for myself, take care of myself and my son, get out with friends etc.
but how do u truly detach? how do u not care?
how do u wake up without the pain in your heart?
im sure he is not happy right now, things cannot possibly be fun and games wherever he is right now...
maybe if the finances werent so bad, i wouldnt be so overwelmed.
maybe if i knew where i was moving too, maybe if i wasnt under such a sudden time constraint, i wouldnt be so overwelmed.
its everything all at once this time around. and its alot.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
yes it is difficult not an easy road here for the LBS time time time is the answer we heal in time we change in time we let go in time everyday we get closer so everyday counts all you can do is your best to continue doing whatever footwork you can financially taking care of son and self trying to have a little fun (if possible) read pray exercise have faith you are closer than you think to the blessings peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I think that you have to start by finding some positive things around you.
Understanding WHAT you are dealing with will bring you closer to detaching.....
Doing things FOR YOU and NOT in spite of him.
Finding a balance within, one that allows you to be you and not worry about affecting the relationship or him , or trying (and focusing) on splitting apart the affair.
Dwelling on what is good instead of what MAY happen.
Let's start there ?
We are here to help you, but YOU need to do the work.....
the problem is that i dont heal in time. because everything always changes with us.
nothing is ever final, nothing is ever over.
even last year, when for a few weeks i was at peace with being over, everything turned around and changed. it took time to suck me back in, but he did.
this time too. a few weeks ago i was convinced this was it, then he changed towards me, i was immediately sucked back in.
so, i have a very hard time fully moving foward, because in the back of my mind, i say to myself, this isnt it, it isnt over, things will be ok.
and i have a very hard time overriding those thoughts.
i get out, do my thing, pull myself together, but at the same time, he is who i want, he is who i think about, i want my husband back.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
mdoodles, my h has sucked me back in MANY times...more than I care to mention...but at least a dozen or two! That sounds awful, but i will say that each time it got easier. Time is really the only thing thats gonna make it better. Also for me, I would NOT be where I am without Prayer and God's help. Im sorry you are having such a hard time. It is by no way easy. I think the only thing that helps me through things is seeing where I am and where my H is. I am truly blessed with all that I have....my h is alone, bored, living in a camper, broke and has lost alot of his friends. Alot of the friends he has now are ones that he has recently made....they dont know him well enough yet. I miss him though. The old him.
Keep taking it one hour or day at a time. Think about all that you do have, not what you dont have. Try to think about what Mach1 said, go out and find that cute little house for you and your son.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
cute little house? there will be no cute little house...
i lost all equity in my big beautiful house, im leaving with nothing.
im hoping, to get a cute little apt. hoping.
i cant blame the business failing, we didnt go into it thinking it would fail. my husband would not have left his high paying job to now be unemployed.
i blame him giving up so quickly.
so now my financial picture is a big of a nightmare.
i think that is adding to my overwelmed feelings.
i know i will be ok, i know i have help from family, i know i have the 401k, which is large.
but everything else is an unknown.
and the love triangle doesnt help, even when i try my best to remove myself from it.
im taking things one minute at a time, going to the mets game today, my son will really enjoy it and i will enjoy taking him.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I think you have to go through phases. For me, it was when I felt rage that my wife got our children exposed to the physical aspect of her affair. I reached a point where I said - "Enough!" and I filed. Taking charge of the situation gave me confidence. I reached a point where I decided that I could live my life happily without her.
The financial worrys are real, but in all likelyhood, you will bounce back. Try not to focus on them that much, but more on what you can do to take charge now of you and your son's life.
One guy I follow here that I respect a lot is faithisbelieving. He has been at this for over 3 years and has been tied up in the lousy New York divorce legal system for far too long. Also, he recently had a fiasco with his STBXW of taking his son out on Citifield for a Mets game. He too tried to piece things back with his cheating MLC wife and she kept playing him like a yoyo. I hope he is not damaged for future relationships.
just got back from citifield, we had a great time. atleast the sun is shining in new york again, its been a while!
its funny, the ny legal system is actually in my favor - not so easy for him to up and separate/divorce me.
im not at that point yet, if its forced upon me fine, but it wont be easy.
its not easy anyway i look at it.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
