Jumping in (1st post)

[Gardener]

Why were you the first to take off your wedding band?

Stuck,

As I told Coach a few weeks back (don't know if I can quote from that post and paste it to my post to you, so let me type it in verbatim since it was fresher in my mind then).

"taking off the ring was a post-'I want a divorce,' pre-DR/DBing move along the lines of, 'Face it. This is over.You tried everything these past six months while she just moved further and further away,' and it was a bit of a 180 for me..."

I also posted someone that its absence was a constant reminder of my new reality and how bad a sitch this is.

I hadn't taken it off once in these past seventeen years. True.

[Gardener]

You said you were polite to her though. Polite + withdrawn = detached. Not splitting hairs, but my definition of withdrawn is aloof or giving her the cold shoulder. If you spoke politely with her in response to her questions, I don't think that is withdrawn.

You're right, Giving. I feel better. Thanks.

I'm just a bit bummed the past day or so since I admitted (was prompted to admit by the example of fellow DBers) that I've been doing the work not for me, to be the best me, but solely to save my marriage. And because of that:
7 mos since bomb
+6 mos separated
+6 mos double/joint IC (it really wasn't MC)
+1 mo intense, earnest DBing
= I'm really at square one

[givingitmyall]

Gardener,

Just learn from it at this point. I haven't read you thread, but you are recognizing that you have to do the work for no one but YOU. If you will do that, you will get your self confidence and dignity back. You will also find happiness and peace. There are still going to be dark times, but they will be fewer and less severe with time. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts.

So, you have to take the focus off your W...NOW. It is not going to be easy, and you will slip up, but that's ok. The people here will slap you back into it - I know b/c it happens to me.

If you can make your focus you, you will be a better person, father, and maybe someone you W would be crazy to leave. Again, you cannot control what you W thinks/decides/says/feels. That is a tough thing to accept, but it is a truth. If you do not accept that, then you are only hurting yourself. Stop worrying about what she thinks b/c it does not matter.

As I continue to re-discover myself, I have begun to like me again. The more I like me, the more I realize that if my W does not want a R with me, that's her loss and I know someone will. I don't want my M to end, but I know someone out there will love me and I her if that happens.

Once you focus your changing and effort on the only person you can control - you - you will feel better about yourself. As part of that process, you will come to realize another truth - no matter what, you will be ok. And you will. I am at this point now. That doesn't mean I do not get sad or I am unaffected by what my W says/does. It just means that I do not show her my reaction and that no matter what comes down the pike, I know I will make it.

Last rambling: You have to realize that your old M is done. It's over. And you can never go back to that R - and why would you want to. Becoming the new and improved Gardener is so you can prepare for your next relationship. Like me, I would imagine you want that next R to be with your W. That will be her choice. But the point is, what you feel sad about (and me too) is the sense of loss of an old M that was flawed - all of ours were or we would not be here. That's ok. What we are doing here is to change so we can have a new R that we hope will be with our spouses. Same person, but definitely a new R. But you cannot get there without doing the work...for you.

Sorry so long.

[Gardener]

Like me, I would imagine you want that next R to be with your W.

Giving,

What a great way to put it (can I steal that?)
Your entire post was excellent and I appreciate it greatly. Hang in there

[givingitmyall]

Absolutely. I stole it from several other posts I have read here.

You hang in there too. It's gonna be a long and bumpy ride. And I used to like rollercoasters.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hello Gardener,

Quote from GIMA:
"If you can make your focus you, you will be a better person, father, and maybe someone you W would be crazy to leave. Again, you cannot control what you W thinks/decides/says/feels. That is a tough thing to accept, but it is a truth. If you do not accept that, then you are only hurting yourself. Stop worrying about what she thinks b/c it does not matter."

GIMA could not have said it any better. I believe this quote is the true essence of DBing. This should be our daily mantra as we navigate through these difficult times.

Thanks,
LFH

[BigJohn]

Gardener,

Just learn from it at this point. I haven't read you thread, but you are recognizing that you have to do the work for no one but YOU. If you will do that, you will get your self confidence and dignity back. You will also find happiness and peace. There are still going to be dark times, but they will be fewer and less severe with time. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts.

So, you have to take the focus off your W...NOW. It is not going to be easy, and you will slip up, but that's ok. The people here will slap you back into it - I know b/c it happens to me.

If you can make your focus you, you will be a better person, father, and maybe someone you W would be crazy to leave. Again, you cannot control what you W thinks/decides/says/feels. That is a tough thing to accept, but it is a truth. If you do not accept that, then you are only hurting yourself. Stop worrying about what she thinks b/c it does not matter.

As I continue to re-discover myself, I have begun to like me again. The more I like me, the more I realize that if my W does not want a R with me, that's her loss and I know someone will. I don't want my M to end, but I know someone out there will love me and I her if that happens.

Once you focus your changing and effort on the only person you can control - you - you will feel better about yourself. As part of that process, you will come to realize another truth - no matter what, you will be ok. And you will. I am at this point now. That doesn't mean I do not get sad or I am unaffected by what my W says/does. It just means that I do not show her my reaction and that no matter what comes down the pike, I know I will make it.

Last rambling: You have to realize that your old M is done. It's over. And you can never go back to that R - and why would you want to. Becoming the new and improved Gardener is so you can prepare for your next relationship. Like me, I would imagine you want that next R to be with your W. That will be her choice. But the point is, what you feel sad about (and me too) is the sense of loss of an old M that was flawed - all of ours were or we would not be here. That's ok. What we are doing here is to change so we can have a new R that we hope will be with our spouses. Same person, but definitely a new R. But you cannot get there without doing the work...for you.

Sorry so long.

Ditto on the great post!

[Gardener]

Thank you, giving, looking, and Big John. Hi, Big John.

Just spent the longest amount of time w/W since beginning of March (not counting "MC" meetings) 1 whole hour. True.

W wanted to go to diner to discuss going to mediator. Last minute, I asked, "wanna do it here? (home)" She said , sure! I had three basic things I wanted to say, some mine, some telecoach Dottie's. Before she got here I was starting to practice my preplanned scripts then I thought, stop practicing, you know what you wanna say, you'll be fine, this is W/Friend, fer cryin' out loud. So I relaxed around the house 'til she showed and as-iffed it going very well in my mind a coupla times. And decided I'm only going with thought/plan # 1, tonight, saving #s 2 & 3 for future relaxed hanging out chats, which blessedly, is all this hour was.

She brought up mediator, had I given any thought. I said yes and gave looong answer so I could drop in some thoughts and seeds. I said I've gotten some well-intentioned, but lousy advice from some friends/family, as I'm sure you have. Most just wanna end your pain somehow and wind up giving cheesy, non-R-supporting advice. I don't ask anymore. I have several good resources aside from IC that I go to now (that's you guys) for support. But friends/family still offer the old unsolicited advice anyway and since D Bomb last month, it's all rather binary: "Have you tried everything?", on the one hand and the ever-popular cliche of "Just get on with you're life now," on the other. And I immediately think, "well, how about the status quo?" Why only one or the other? There's only two possible courses, here? I never say it, though, just think it. So, I'll say it to you now...why not just let it be for now? I've just recently come to fully accept that you want to end the that R & M that we had (emphasis on the That - that one - , avoiding D word entirely) So I ask you now, maybe it's time for another breather and just live without the whole issue at all for a while? All along you had said "One year, regardless of whatever the outcome, one year of S," so I ask you now, why not stick to the plan and do nothing until December? There's always room for jello, as they say, We can always start the process anytime. Just asking you to consider it, that's all (a phrase she uses often).

She paused and then said, "well where I'm coming from, I just wanna get it all behind me now and get it done". I said,"so you're saying you're just weary of it all, want it to end, I understand." Then she said,"if you could tell me why, give me a concrete reason..." I said, "you want to know more of my rationale for asking this? Well I'm not stalling, hoping you'll change your mind. I understand and accept you want to end that marriage. So do I. It's really ended already, isn't it? I'm working on so many things for me right now and it's exhausting, I don't need another distraction, another issue looming, no matter how amicably we would proceed. Can't articulate any more than that, hope that answered your question somewhat."
W says, "well I suppose we could let it ride at least a month but in the meantime, we could both find out more about mediator process, on-line filing on our own and talk about what we've found in a month. Besides, the whole process will take months anyway, I'm sure."

The old, DB-just-to-save-M me would've been thinking, "YESS!!!" after this.
The new let's-try-to-be-the-best-Gardener-I-can-be (sorry, O'Dog) me quietly thought, 'Well this is certainly going well."

She asked me to go to Radio Shack to begin process of splitting out joint cellphone account and I said, "You don't need me for that, y'know. It's in your name. You have to initiate it before I can do anything," She said" I'know, but c'mon anyway. I'll drive." I replied "Okay, but separate cars." Had a good time looking at RadioShack techy toys, I talked and kidded a lot with one of the salesguys (a big 180 for me) and when they said she had to do it at a Sprint Store we left and she said "Coming with me?" I said 'No, I'm gonna head out " (not home), but I gotta tell you how good it felt to just relax and talk in our living room, and screw around in Radio Shack, Thank you. Take care."

Sorry for the long verbatim post, but for my first attempt at letting go of the outcome, not caring what she thought of my position, trusting without obsessing that I'll DB fairly well (I'm sure I missed a few things), and just attempting a relaxed time w/W (God, do I miss that), it all went so well. And, based on her response to my proposal, I'm assuming (?) she at least has no pressing need to sprint (not a cell phone pun) to the D finish-line.

Feelin' good. I needed that.

Thanks, all. And I apologize that my square-one regrouping in the last few days has precluded my keeping up with and chiming in on your sitches.
I'll be back.

[givingitmyall]

Great job. Sounds like you hadled it wonderfully.

[SmileysPerson]

Mojo.