WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Just some more journaling.

A good of a day as it could be in my situation (WAW and just lost my job).

I spent the day with my boys - I made sure it wasn't just all play time as I had my 7 year old do reading and math and worked with my 3 year old on his letter recognition and sounds.

We did play baseball and then basketball and road bikes (they road, I walked to help my 3 year old).

My wife came over about 1:00 PM as I had a meeting with a recruiter. I made some minor chit chat (asked how her back was and how her day was going, etc) before I left for my meeting. The recruiter was this really hot blond, that was about 20 years younger than me, but it really made it a good meeting. We chatted for about an hour and it didn't sound promising as there weren't alot of positions at my level that she was trying to fill, but she did sound like she would be pretty active working on placing me (she was refered by a relative).

When I got back home, my wife was sleeping on the couch. I walked in and just touched her foot. She said she was really tired. I asked what time she went to bed last nite, she said 9PM. She then started saying how our 7 year old was upset that she didn't stay down in the basement with him as he played video games as she was too tired and wanted to rest in the family room. I thought that it was extremely selfish of her as she only had an hour to spend with the boys and she spent it taking a nap (not that I've never taken a nap while they played the past couple of weeks I've had them - it is draining being a stay at home dad).

She then started talking about how her back was really bothering her this morning, but it was starting to feel better now. Then she asked about my meeting.

I left out that the recruiter was a hot blond but tried to sound upbeat and as optimistic as I could without creating a false impression that it will be a no brainer. While we talked, she did move her foot to touch my hand (I was standing as she was still laying on the recliner sofa). I squeezed her big toe a little and brushed the bottom of her foot just to let her know that I noticed, but tried to minimze how I reacted to it. I then thanked her for coming over to watch the kids. Then she asked me to try and crack her back with a hug before she left. I did.

I walked her to her car and I don't remember exactly how it came up, but she mentioned my comment from a few weeks ago (back then she had said that she didn't trust me as I was acting nice and working with her now, but how will she know how I would be if I meet someone in a couple of weeks. I had joked back then about why would it take a couple of weeks to meet someone). She has brought this comment up a few times now over the last two weeks. I did say that I was just teasing her (probably a mistake to say that as I should have just kept it as mysterious). Part of me is wondering if she's doing that to hint that she has or whether it is really bothering her or what. Anyone with thoughts?

I did say bye and thanked her again as she got into her car. As she drove away, I put on my best positive upbeat face as she waved bye and I waved back.

My 7 year old had come up just as I was hugging my wife, so I'm sure that is going to be confusing for him. And he was with me in the driveway as she waved.

I did have a few calls with possibilities, but I just have to wait and see how those pan out.

I'm still working my bar/resturant idea. My current thinking is that if I find an opportunity that I can develop, it would also facilitate me changing my career to be a teacher. The pay isn't what I'm looking for, but I think it will be much more rewarding/satisfying that what I currently do. I'm hoping that by developing the bar/resturant, it could provide a cushion to make up the difference in money that I was getting. I'm still toying with that, but it's the one I'm most excited about.

The boys did a great job today. It was a lot of fun to spend the day with them. There was a sad moment when we were playing in the basement after bath. We were playing with cars/trucks (they are boys, what do you expect). I noticed that there were only a few cars/trucks out so I asked why don't they get out the other cars/trucks. My 7 year old said that mommy had taken them to her place so we can't.

He was sad about it. He said that he will try to sneak some back in his bookbag since they are small and he knows she doesn't want them to bring toys back. I just told him that we will have fun with what we have, and he doesn't have to do that. If there is something he really wants to bring back, he can, but he shouldn't feel like he had to. He said that he and his brother have a few favorite cars that they had been talking about bringing back so he will just bring those back.

He then said that he wants to keep the special car that I had given him there so he has something to remember me with there.

Then he said that he didn't want to talk about it anymore since he was getting sad. I could see him tearing up and holding back from crying as he didn't want to upset me or his little brother. I just gave him a big hug and told him how much I loved him and how proud I was to have him as my son.

If anything through this ordeal, it is bringing me closer to my boys that I have ever been. That alone is priceless. It really hurts even more as I realize how much I missed as I focused so much on the wrong things (things vs. people). But that is all in the past. While my wife may not believe nor trust that my changes are real, that will be her loss. My boys and the people around me will benefit.

Tomorrow is going to be another day!

[mnt_dreams]

I feel for your boys as they struggle with the living arrangements. Good answer about the cars, and they shouldn't feel like they have sneak toys back.

If they don't have a photo of you at your W's place, get a picture or take one now if you with the boys that you can frame and they can put in their other room. It helps at bedtime to have a nice memory & smiling face to ease the sadness. Actually, the reverse is true too.. a photo of them with their mom at your place would be helpful as well.

[confusedinpa]

I feel for your boys as they struggle with the living arrangements. Good answer about the cars, and they shouldn't feel like they have sneak toys back.

If they don't have a photo of you at your W's place, get a picture or take one now if you with the boys that you can frame and they can put in their other room. It helps at bedtime to have a nice memory & smiling face to ease the sadness. Actually, the reverse is true too.. a photo of them with their mom at your place would be helpful as well.

Thanks mnt_dreams

I haven't taken any pictures down since she left so all our wedding pictures are still up. I actually put a couple more pics of the 4 of us laughing and enjoying ourselves up as well

I don't think there is a picture of us at her place though. I did put a laminated one in his lunch box of us so he always has that with him

[The Wifey]

Just remembered one other point we had a long discussion on. My friends kept harping that I need to draw the line with my wife that we should stop doing things together with the kids. They said that us spending breakfast and lunch together at home on Sat and then lunch and dinner together on Sun while going to a baseball game is going to mess up the kids. They said to them, everytime we are together and then part ways, the kids are seeing us get divorced/separated again each time.

The four of us are suppose to have dinner together on Tuesday (I will take the boys home on Tues nite), rather than her driving out to the house on Weds AM (her suggestion).

When I asked how does that help in getting back together if we never see each other that's when they said that I need to just accept that it's over and let it go.

So, curious on other people's thoughts here.

Do I stop all contact with her so the kids don't get confused or how should I handle these little "family" functions that we get together for?

One mistake that I see a lot of newcomers make is to be so distraught that they get into these conversations with people that supposedly have their best interest at heart. They give far more information to these people than they should.

Then they flap in the wind with every opinion anyone utters.

Look. Keep doing things together. And keep them as positive as possible. Enjoy each other and enjoy the kids. It will be more confusing to only see one parent at a time and never see you together.

The kids would be more frightened, not less, if you don't do things together.

And, stop the deep conversations with these well-meaning friends that have a different opinion than you. Stop baring your soul or listening to their "advice." You can be friendly, but why let them get into your personal business, especially if it will at all affect your mood, feelings, etc?

Also, think in terms of the old R and M are gone. How do new R's start? They start with a friendship. The very best ones, anyhow. So, be friends. Have new experiences. Build new memories. You don't need to verbalize that you are rebuilding, just DO it.

[MrBond]

I agree with Wifey.

If your son really wants to take back a toy though from the apt. then just tell your W and let him take it. Kids need something familiar and safe to hold on to while they're parents are going through this.

As for your interaction with your W, you shouldn't have told her you were joking about finding someone. She was obviously fishing to be sure you were still free for her. After all, she doesn't want to give up her security blanket until she's found another.

Don't fall for it. That's why I think the less time you see each other the better.

[confusedinpa]

One mistake that I see a lot of newcomers make is to be so distraught that they get into these conversations with people that supposedly have their best interest at heart. They give far more information to these people than they should.

Then they flap in the wind with every opinion anyone utters.

I know I was/am guilty of this mistake. The week before my wife moved out, she even commented how she didn't understand me as I keep swinging all over emotionally and with my attitude. She said one moment I would be dancing and singing in the family room with my boys and the next I be so distant and disconnected.

Right now, I'm trying to stay consistent as a the best CIPA I can be. I remain dark by not calling/initiating any contact with her. When she does call/text/email me, I try to be as upbeat and positive as I can be.

So, I am trying to be a man that only a fool would leave/divorce.

Look. Keep doing things together. And keep them as positive as possible. Enjoy each other and enjoy the kids. It will be more confusing to only see one parent at a time and never see you together.

The kids would be more frightened, not less, if you don't do things together.

And, stop the deep conversations with these well-meaning friends that have a different opinion than you. Stop baring your soul or listening to their "advice." You can be friendly, but why let them get into your personal business, especially if it will at all affect your mood, feelings, etc?

Also, think in terms of the old R and M are gone. How do new R's start? They start with a friendship. The very best ones, anyhow. So, be friends. Have new experiences. Build new memories. You don't need to verbalize that you are rebuilding, just DO it.

That's how I've been approaching the time we spend with the kids. Trying to create new positive memories/moments. She has said that she doesn't trust me to be vulnerable with me so she doesn't want to be my wife any more. I do know that it takes time to rebuild the trust. So I will be working towards that until the bitter end (when the divorce is final).

Now the challenge comes down to if I continue after the divorce is final. I guess that will have to depend on where I am at emotionally and in life. I don't want to just be friends with the woman I love. But I will cross that bridge when I get there.

Thanks for checking up on me again

[confusedinpa]

As for your interaction with your W, you shouldn't have told her you were joking about finding someone. She was obviously fishing to be sure you were still free for her. After all, she doesn't want to give up her security blanket until she's found another.

Don't fall for it. That's why I think the less time you see each other the better.

I know it was a mistake as soon as I said it - that's a big problem I have, speaking before thinking.

The context was really involving not whether I would find someone else, it was more of how I joked why would it take as long as 2 weeks to find someone else. So the part that I said I was joking about was asking why does she think it would take that long.

A subtle nuance, but I do agree with your point. I should have just let it go. I think I read in Sandi's post in another thread, that I need to learn that I don't have to answer every question/comment. This would have been one that was better left without a response.

Lesson learned.

Right now, I'm not expecting to see her again until Sun morning when she picks up the boys. It seems like such a long time to not see her, but at the same time, it seems like I will only have the boys for 2 more days.

I know I have to keep focusing on me and working on me.

This still s*cks though.....

[confusedinpa]

I had the boys today again, so the perk of being unemployed continues of spending so much time with my two boys.

I did wind up calling my wife today as I have a job interview next Tues so we had to work out how we are handling the boys on that day. I told her that I will be staying overnite Mon as the interview was early on Tues and it was over 2 hours away. She just made a comment of who was paying for the hotel (I didn't answer that one).

Then later that evening at 7:30PM, she text me that Michael Jackson died. I wasn't sure if that was her way to prompt me to call her so she could talk to the kids, but I didn't. If she really wanted to talk to the boys she can call or if the boys ask to call, then I would. She really didn't seem that interested in talking with my son yesterday when she came to watch him for a couple of hours when I went to met a recruiter (she wound up taking a nap during that time). I really don't understand her and the way she approaches the kids.

Around 9:30 PM, she sends a text that she found a piece of glass in her foot. I did reply with some concern to ask if she was ok and to find out what happened (I had in the past called, but thought I would mix it up a little). She said she was fine as it was a small piece of glass. I joked back was she dancing on tables again (she knows my prior girlfriend were club girls/strippers so they were very apt to dance on bars and tables when they had a couple of drinks). She just replied back with a "nooooooo" and I let the conversation end like that.

I had thought about calling her to find out what she worked out for my boys Tues, but I had already talked to her mom and she said she wasn't working that day so she was available, and I contacted my son's camp director who said that he can do an extended day that day without any problems so she has plenty of options to choose from.

So at least I have a interview next week. I'm trying to not get my hopes up, but am keeping my fingers crossed.

I sooooooo need something good to happen to get me out of this slump......

[Stronger]

Hey Confused.....

The bond with the boys.....amazing. Good for you.

[confusedinpa]

Hey Confused.....

The bond with the boys.....amazing. Good for you.

Thanks almostsonebut...

They definitely have their moments though. It's not always a love rest though. My 3 year old has been going through the "No" phase. My 7 year has been showing some attitude, not sure if it's related to the situation or just getting to that age or what

I try to be compassionatewhen they are genuinely sad/hurt and firm when I think it's just a fit/attitude. I know I don't get it right all the time. My 7 year does ask when he thinks I'm too much of a "mean daddy" to understand why I was so upset though. It may seem odd but it really seems to help him and I understand each other.

Last nite, for example, I hollared to have him come back to flush the toilet (an issue I've been working with him on). He came up and seemed unusually upset. He asked afterwards if I hollared loud because I was mad or if it was so he could hear me. I told he I thought he had gone down to play in the basement so I wanted to make sure he could hear me since I was in the second floor. Be seemed better after that

This morning when he got up I noticed he was sad. He said he had a bad dream that we had to sell the house already. I just gave him a hug And told him that daddy will do all that he can but we will always have a place for us. It may be a different place but we will always love each other.

During breakfast, when we were taking about what we were going do today, my 3 year old said that it doesn't matter what mommy took from us, we will still have fun with whatever we have.

They are great kids and can try my patience at times but I love them.