Sandi I am not upset at you for being honest. Yes there is more to tell you about myself and my mother. This plays a part in why I am co-dependent maybe. It is a story I will post tommorrow, too long for tonight. You said it right when you said the anger I cannot handle. It's like I will do anything to have this man in my life and I think I may know why. I have been doing alot of revisting the past and just not my marriage, I am talking about my childhood. I will talk about that tommorrow. I will say this. Please dont think I am "sick" YET. Please dont jump to conclusion until you hear the story I am about to tell. After that maybe you will understand. I think I am starting to realize why I am so desperate for my xh's FRIENDSHIP at the least. I will say this...I think SOME and I mean just a small part of it is to do with the fact that I FINALLY found someone to love me and stick with me and I refuse to lose them for good, whether it be h or friend. Sad but true.
I had to add that this board can be helpful but at the same time VERY CONFUSING. I say this because many people have different opinions. I myself have had different opinions. I appreciate them all but at the same time its confusing. It is especially confusing to someone like me that is grasping at straws to learn why I am the way I am. A few people here, I cant even remember who, have told me that I need to show my xh that he can trust me again. That I need to take half the blame for what I have done. That I dont need to be upset with my xh, to look at this as an illness. Some have said to validate his feelings and be a safe place for him to land if he does. THIS is why I am trying to understand and NOT be mad at my h. I have took that route and then some here tell me that I am taking the wrong road. I am so confused. Be nice to him,,,,,be mad at him,,,,,what is right? Please dont get me wrong, I appreciate everyone's help and advice, its just WHO IS RIGHT AND WHO IS WRONG. When I think I understand and have the answer I get another person telling me "I am WRONG"
Sandi I will post more tomorrow. and PLEASE NOONE get offended by what I have just said. It WAS NOT meant to be disrespectful or offensive.
Renee, I went back to take another look at the beginning of your thread and I did not find anyone giving you different advice. Even from the beginning, people tried to tell you to stop clinging to him and to stop contacting him. If you were refering to people in your town or family who has talked to you....then you need to stop talking to them and listen to those on the board who are familiar with DB techniques or you will be confused! Everyone has an opinion! But we go by what is in the book. Here is a quote from one of your early threads:
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In all honesty, being 3 months into this, have I really had time to start "faking" my attitude or should it still be this difficult to do. Have I had time to get over the begging him to come back and so forth. Remember I didnt know he was so unhappy until he dropped the bomb on me that day in Sept. Should I be making more progress than this or am I about on track according to the time table?
Last September......it won't be long until it is a year.....and really you have had more than six months into this stitch. I guess you said six months since the D. SirPrizeMe got very blunt with you in this post back at the end of December. It sounds like one I could have sent!
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It is not too late. Leave him alone. Let him be. You asked about a timetable. There is no timetable.
Then the very next post that you replied to Sir went like this:
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Sir I spoke with him yesterday to wish him a Happy New Year.
The "oldtimers" of the DB board are telling you to leave the man alone from the very beginning and you completely ignore the tools given you. Snodderly told you right up front to step back and stop pursuing. Dawn of Hope has not been here long, but she also said this and I thought it showed a lot of wisdom and was plain spoken:
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I do not want to hurt your feelings, but I think you have some 2x4s coming. Please, please, please stop contacting him except in case of a true emergency.
Was2Sad came to my thread when I first came on board and left good advice for me. This is a short quote that was given to you at the beginning of the year:
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The point here is this. You are asking yourself questions again about him. You will not find answers. There are none. Only more questions. You still have not yet begun to focus enough on yourself. No amount of reading will guide him to a professional for a diagnosis of something he does not believe he has.
That post went on to say about the same thing I have been trying to tell you. But notice how you relplied. It is the same thing you are still asking.
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Was2Sad do you think guilt is causing the anger in him?
Was2Sad just told you in the previous post that you would not find answers and it's like you aren't really listening.
Do you know that when I fist started to post to you, I just barely skimmed over a few of the posts to get an idea of what "you" were saying about your stitch.....not so much of what others were saying. I find it amazing that the ones I went back to read are NOT giving you different opinions and that Snodderly and I have almost said word for word the same thing over and over to you. I tried to read most of what had been posted but you had so many places and jumping around that I gave up. I did not have time to read so much and frankly it was basically the same thing being said over and over and you still were doing what Renee wants to do. I can see why some people's patience would run thin and finally give up. I don't think it is so much that you "can't understand" what is being said to you, as you often reply, but that it is you "don't want to". If it is therapy for you to journal about your day, etc., then that's fine. Most newcomes do that, but if you are not implemeting the tools that people are trying to give you, then I am concerned that many will finally give up and won't know anything else to say. You need to show you are at least putting forth one foot in front of the other to make progress.
If you go back and re-read your threads, you will see how many times you say that you "know you did the wrong thing, but........" and then you go into all the things you did that were opposite from what you should be doing. If you "know" then don't say you are trying to understand. There is a difference in trying to understand a concept and being too stubborn to put it into action. I believe you are so co-dependent on your H that you not only do not "want" to stop doing what you are doing, but I don't think you have intentions of stopping. Am I right or wrong? If I'm wrong, then tell me what your plans are for the next two weeks to keep your mind off of him and his GH. Oh, and BTW, you know when I told you in that last post that he would have a string of girlfriends? I did not know at that time he already had done that! I was under the impression he left you....using this OW as his excuse. But now I see it wasn't just one woman.
You have told us time after time how blunt he's been about wanting you to leave him alone. If he happen to say one word to you, you took it to mean he wanted you. He physically pushed you away when you were forcing yourself on him for sex. My gosh, woman, have some self-respect! I don't know what your mother has to do with your M problems, but all of us could find reasons for being the way we are. I'm not saying you don't have sufficient reasons for being co-dependent and I'm sure you have a sad story (not being sarcastic) about your past. If you want to share it and if it will help you, then fine. The point I wast to make with you is this; how will all of that that has happen in your past help you to move away from this situation now? You said you wanted to understand it and as you've been told.....you will never have all the answers. Yes, it would help to see a professional psychologist. I think you and your H needs one.
Instead of telling about your mother and why you may be so co-dependent, why not tell us how you plan to stop being co-dependent. If you know why you are that way.....that is all that matters. What you need to do next is to accept the reasons for being like you are and look at the steps you can take to change all of that. Isn't that what people have been talking about since you came here? People have said over and over how you need to work at "you" changing......not how to get your XH back into your life or keep hanging onto that emotional "rope" you keep tied to your XH.
We talk about "baby-steps", Renee, b/c that is what each person has to start with....one tiny step at a time. Can't you do that? Can't you make out a plan and take baby-steps in learning how to walk? B/c you need to walk away from your XH. No, that is not what you want to hear, is it? From what I've read...we've all said that but in our own different styles. I hope you will finally listen with your heart and know we are right and that you must begin a new chapter in your life. You are still young and can have a bright future if you will choose to walk away from this man and all his "problems". You can't fix him and he doesn't want you to. How many times is he going to have to tell you and be so ugly to you trying to make you realize he doesn't want anymore to do with you?
Let us hear how you plan to start on a fresh new path of getting better, okay?
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Although your behavior might be undestandable based on your difficult past, that doesn't mean you aren't sick. After somebody raped and tried to murder me, I developed a compulsion to mutilate myself (that I still struggle with). Understandable under the circumstances? Maybe, but that still doesn't make it normal or healthy.
Stop making excuses and find a way to get the serious help you need. You are acting like a masochist.
Sandi running late, but I wanted to say as far as the different opinions go. I did not mean about not contacting him. I meant about treating him nicely. Some say nice some say he deserves it. Sorry I will post later got to go to Church.
Okay, thanks for clearing that up. I don't think the issue at this point is about "him". I don't think you should be wondering how you should treat him. I believe you should work hard to not think about him at all. Don't be concerned about "his" feelings and how he should be treated or if he's truly happy. This needs to be about "you", can you see that?
As far as the things in your past, I read something in a book this morning that made me think of you. This was written from a doctor which said that everybody is touched by the events of their past (either by another person or a particular situation), but it is up to the indiviudal to go forward and make their decisions in life....not based on what has happened in the past....but on what they can do for themselves to have a better future. I don't have the book in front of me, so that is not a quote, but close.
I believe that is what all of us have tried to tell you. As your stitch has progressed, we have been able to tell that your clinginess to your XH is far from healthy and his mistreatment of you (no matter what his reasons) should not be tolerated. So, basically, as I see it.....you are receiving the same advice, just in different wording.
Some may speak in a more gentle way and some may get very rough in their posts, but I think it is their attempt in trying to make you wake up and see reality. That is all any of us on the board can do, but the decision to change your life is completely up to you. I strongly suggest, again, that you not listen to people who are family & friends but that you get your survival information from the DB board. Family & friends are too close to the stitch and "personalities" tend to get involved.
If you ever truly reach the point that you have "dropped the rope", then you won't stay focused on your XH. You won't be fretting over these "details" of life where he is concerned. You will have peach and feel free as a bird. When (and only when) you are able to reach that level, then (and only then) will you be able to hear about him and your emotions not react and you will not feel anything one way or the other toward him. You can truly said, unemotionally, that you wish him well.....and that is as far as you take it b/c frankly, that is as far as your feelings for him will go. That is probably hard for you to imagine at this point & time, but it does happen, Renee, and it can happen if you will put forth the hard effort to get there.
Anyway, I feel that I'm saying the same thing, so I'll stop for now.
Hope you have a good day, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
How are you doing Renee? I have you on my mind much more than you realize. When I read something in a book or hear a program that has to do with relationships, you are about the first person I think of. I want you to get better. You are worth fighting to have a good future. You have a great chance at being happy and I think that is why some of us are being tough on you b/c we want to see you fight for yourself and the peace that is due you.
Talk to you later. Have a good day.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi thank you once again. I know many here care. I am doing really good. Our church as been having homecoming and we have had some good services. I was really blessed last night and expect to be tonight also. I am NOT giving up on my faith, but while waiting on GOD to move, I am going on with my life. I am busy getting together my stuff to start college in August. I am doing things with friends. My son has cooperated the last few days. He did what I asked around the house and has had a better attitude. I have been praying for him too, I know he is suffering from the divorce in his own way. He hasnt gotten a job yet and that is our next goal. I also have been offered a second job at a Christian Bookstore and I am looking into that. As always I dont have much time to write.lol I always seem to say that. I will try to write more tonight when I get home. I do appreciate you more than you know. Sometimes we need the bluntness to help us along in our situations. Sandi, I would love to post all my threads, so I can re-read them myself, but dont know how. Can you assist me with that?
Off the subject of me...it was so sad to hear of Michael Jackson's passing along with Farrah Fawcett. I grew up in that era and its so sad. Did you hear about it on the news? I also believe Ed Mcmahn (Dont know how he spells his last name)also passed away. Such sadness.
Anyway, I will write more later Have a blessed day!
