total quarter life mlc

[Sanderika]

Your H is providing something. Are you sure he has not been honest with her about money? Are you sure he has not provided money to her in some way?

Another thought...OW has recently learned of his troubles with the business and is staying just long enough to find something better. Perhaps where she is currently is better than where she could be.

In my sitch I am positive OW is only after the money. Her best friend knows some of my friends and has admitted this to them about her.

They stay for the most part if there is something they are getting in return or have been promised.

These women are germs. They don't go away easily. We don't really know what our H's say to them and promise them.

I would have my head in the sand if I thought my H didn't love the OW. I know he does. As hateful and evil as she is....he loves her. GROSS!!!!! She was there when I wasn't. She filled an emotional void that I had neglected. I know that he is having a hard time leaving her even though he knows he should.

This all so very confusing and hard to understand. Unfortunately no one sitch is the same, there is no textbook. The personalties that make up the sitches vary widely as well, we have seen something work for one and not another and vice- versa.

Getting to know your man and your sitch inside out will help. Learn and journal, successes and failures. I keep a diary of the events daily. I know when he is with her and when he is not. Knowledge is power. I use it to learn and improve. I have my eyes wide open. My heart just doesn't agree with the common sense part of my brain.

It's funny how they can be totally put out with us one minute and totally gaa gaa the next. I find too that I don't create the annoyance. I have learned that it is the OW who plants the seed in his brain which turns him against me. How can I be the problem? I am not his problem, the OW is his problem. H knows it too.

I think they walk in fear most days. They are just as afraid of their future as we are of ours. I also don't think they like what they have created. They are usually too proud to change it. If yours is like mine, he has paraded his OW around town and acted like the big man on campus to everyone we know. To come home would be admitting weakness and failure. It's going to be hard. Most men will not do that. Most men will break-up with the OW and move on to another one before coming home.

I will go back tomorrow and read more of your posts and previous threads so I can understand where you have been. It would be most helpful in talking with you.

Take care for the night....

Sanderika

[mdoodles]

thanks.

he has not been honest with her about anything. she gets bits and pieces of truths, only because time keeps passing and she realizes things. she has me tell her things and i only tell the truth.

he has spent the majority of his crisis with her telling me he wants to come home. and then he does on 2 separate occasions.

i know she is pushing for marriage. she is not a citizen here and wants to marry him, im convinced for citizenship.

she saw him as the american dream. and he was once. not anymore.

the money he(we) had is gone. he has no job. and she is seeing this now.

she has got to be realizing what i have told her is the truth. it must be filling in the questions and opened ended things in her head.

she has to see that he came home to me and opened the business with me.

i am not sure how he has covered up and kept this going as long as he has.

my friends are placing bets on when she will dump him. its only a matter of time they tell me, but who knows.

she will see that the divorce is no where near final (that is what she told me, that MY divorce is almost FINAL!) and she will see he truly has no money.

[mdoodles]

im doing ok today, i tackle what i need to but at the same time, i dont want to let go.

everyone tells me to. everyone points out all of the bad things he has done, and they are all valid points. very valid.

but i know if he showed up, i would take him back.

everyday i have something else financial to clean up from him.

today was the bill from our income taxes informing me he didnt pay what we owed in full. he never told me.

its very upsetting.

so why do i still hold on, hold out hope he can be himself again?

its so hard.

im living day by day, maybe that is how i have to do it now, until one day i wake up and have firmly decided, without waivering, that im finished.

i think i get closer to it everyday. and then i have a setback.

i just dont know.

[fisherman]

Ha! Found ya Mrs. Doodles!

Are you still here?

[mdoodles]

still here and having a total set back right now. everytime he calls i am set back.

atleast if he were sticking to his usual schedule of when he comes home, i would be ok.

now i never know when he is coming. he said he will come friday. so i was like, ok, and sunday morning too as usual?

he was like, maybe we will see, i will let u know...said something about a job. so i was like, did u find one?

and he said, no not yet, still trying to see, etc.

so now im convinced he has other plans, like he is going somewhere, while we have no money...

my mind is racing and conjuring up situations that might not even be true.

i hate this.

[Sanderika]

Hi mdoodles,

I just finished reading your other thread.

You could be me.

Your H could be mine.

Let's stop beating ourselves up for loving them and having hope.

I am sorry for your finances in such a mess.

I am totally sympathetic to your sitch. My H comes and goes too.

We have few differences. We have been married a whole lot longer and we are quite a bit older than you two. Our son isn't a little boy any longer, a teenager now.

Our stories are very much the same though. There is an answer to all of this. I am very greatful for the advice, however I know in my heart I am the only one who can fix the problem.

The problem is I don't like the answer. I want my H home very badly. My loving him and wanting him home isn't enough to bring him home right now. My H is in a MLC like yours and until they complete this journey on their own, they are truly incapable of being in a committed relationship with anyone. They are unable to be responsible fathers.

The OW are not what they want either. The OW are merely a place away from here. They represent fun and freedom from their responsibilities. Very few of these Relationships last. They can't, they are based on lies and deceit. I believe that they really want us, only are afraid to recommit. That would be too easy and they have their images to uphold. Right now they are interested in being free to choose and behave 17 if they want.
They do not recommit out of fear same as we do not demand they leave us for good giving the lifestyle they are living....fear.

I don't have the answers. I know what works with my H. I have known him since I was 15.

My H just called me, I answered the phone. He was polite and wanted to know where son was. We chatted about that and only that. I thought perhaps we could talk a little bit more, H cut off the call saying he had to do something. I was very upbeat and friendly. I was disappointed in the call. I did not let that on. H merely said "OK, I gotta go now and do ( ). I'll catch you later". Not exactly the treatment I would expect from a man who supposedly wants his M and is looking to reconcile it by July 24th. Whatevah!!!! NO EXPECTATIONS!!!!

We can't fix these issues alone. It takes two to break up a marriage and it is going to take two (fully COMMITTED with LOVE,
TRUST & FORGIVNESS) to reconcile it. They need to leave the OW with NO CONTACT for good.

I find the best thing that has happened from all of this is I found myself again. I am fantastic and a real gem. I am worth coming back to. I like myself again and people enjoy being with me. If H can't grasp what he's giving up how can I do more? I have given my H 46 months to figure this out. It's not up to me anymore. I have done all I could do to save this marriage.

I also believe that sometimes a couple needs to D to reconnect. In my case it might be just the answer. H needs to lose and feel loss to learn from his mistake.

I have no desires to enter into a relationship with anyone else. This has been such a painful experience for me. It has made an impact on me forever. I will never be the same person again, being able to freely trust and feel safe and secure. I have grown through it, there is a price that was paid.

There will come a day like they say when we will have had enough and the answers will be obvious. Until then let's just take it slow, be good to ourselves and those we love and hope for a brighter tomorrow free from these burdens.

My thoughts are with you,

Sanderika

[fisherman]

Doodles,

Michelle has a DB fan page on facebook.....

become a fan.

[mdoodles]

thanks sanderika. i like to have someone to relate to.

its all too hard, its like the clock resets because he was home.

he had left her. he had planned for it all year and now look at this mess.

there is nothing i can do right now to change it.

im trying so hard to keep things in order, to attempt to move on, yet im still holding on to him.

everyday that nothing progresses with our legal separation/divorce, is another day that the ow isnt getting what she wants.

its terrible that im still in this triangle. i shouldnt be.

but i am.

she wants marriage, she is pushing so so hard.

if he wanted it so badly, i would think he would be pushing me.

[Sanderika]

mdoodles,

He isn't pushing you IMO for 2 reasons....

He doesn't want to marry her.

He doesn't know what he wants.

You are so me....I get some wierd satisfaction of being with my H knowing full well he is cheating on her. You know what they say about payback!! AND....If she doesn't know now, she will one day...that "old talking through the grapevine" doesn't let anyone down or off the hook forever!! She will get what's coming to her and it won't come from me and when it happens it won't be pretty for H.

Our H's won't stay with these trollops forever. I agree with others they will live to regret their choices. I wonder where you and I will be when that happens. I for one hope H comes to me and voices his pain and regret over his choice.

The only reasons these OW push so hard for a D from us and M to them is that they want or need something from H. In your case a greencard. In my case money.

I am right here with you about the rush of hope a call, a visit, some sweet loving attention from H towards us gives us. It's almost like an addiction. We get our fix and we're good to go for a few.

I wonder from a man's mind what it actually does for him, how he thinks. They say a man will eat as many pieces of cake he can get away with. I don't belive my H is one of these men. I do not believe my H likes this sitch anymore than I do. I think he struggles with this turmoil constantly as do I.

My H filed for a D because OW pushed him. H has postponed D three times. I have not postponed it once. H will not move in with OW. H will not and never has introduced her to our son.
Where does she think she stands, I mean really? This woman is dilusional. After almost 4 years does she really think he is going to marry her? She is holding out til he!! freezes over just for the money...no one can convince me otherwise.

Hang in there and just take it one day at a time. Let a sleeping dog lie with regard to those custody and separation papers. Let H do all the work if it's what he wants. If he's like mine and doesn't know you may find yourself in my shoes still in limbo many more months from now. I don't say it to be mean, I never thought I would still be here 46 months post bomb.

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika

[mdoodles]

i love talking to u since we totally relate!

because of money, i think things are going to have to really change.

im losing my big beautiful home. that isnt to say that i cant still wait for him, but i will be waiting somewhere else.

im sick to think his stuff wont be coming with me.

i have 2 months until i have to deal with that, and alot can change in 2 months.

the ow wants and is pushing marriage, my friends think she will leave him shortly, she is already way past her limit on her patience from what i understand.

u are correct that this is like an addiction to us. my therapist told me so. it is not about my self-esteem, i happen to think and know that im quite a catch, beautiful, smart, fun and a great mother and wife. i look in the mirror and the first thing i think is - he is crazy.

it is the thrill of winning him back, the thrill of him coming, the thrill of him telling me he wants to come home.