As I’m read this I’m wondered why dontgiveashitness and vulnerability have to be mutually exclusive? Or why it really has to be a zero-sum game?
I think two different concepts are, ahem, becoming enmeshed here… Why can’t the LBS fully detach and still be vulnerable enough to save the marriage if that opportunity ever presents itself?
First of all, we NOW also need an emoticon of a little smiley rolling on the floor hysterically laughing, cuz you're just TOO DAMNED FUNNY, Alex -- the opening of your post was great. But I hate to disappoint you, I was equally disheveled, as my job fortunately allows me the luxury to start online from home whenever I wish.
But, that doesn't set the scene nearly as well...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
From City Girl's post- "I learned in C'ing that the "growing pains" of divorce usually arent totally felt by the WAS until the divorce (legally) is over and all the BS associated with divorce is done. Reality is tough for all parties involved. Its just that the LBS has been working and preparing for the realities for some time and the WAS hasnt given much of anything any deep thought".
Experienced this when H. told me 3 mos into separation that "it was starting to feel real to him a little bit". WTF!??
But regarding "WAS hasnt given much of anything any deep thought" I'm not sure.
Just starting to see some of the things that my H. had been focused on, focused on to the point tht he was blocking out the obvious, like that one we were separated it was going to become more real, hello...but still, I had blinders on to things too. Mostly because I was focused on the reality impact of Sep/divorce. So perhaps we are trading perspectives now and again.
True, they might only be thinking "run", without "run to where" or, "then what" or "do I really want to run away from everything". But what was causing them to want to run was valid, is valid. Just as their role in the demise is equally valid.
So in the end, I guess we are back to...we all have our own work to do and have to make the choice to do that work. If only we could all get our timing in sync!
Last edited by traveldane; 06/23/0907:50 PM.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
SP, I "thought" you had a way with words but this has to be about the best thread I've read - and I haven't even read it all. I think Forrest can "think" about some of these "thoughts" and maybe even MWD. BTW see if you can find old thread by "GForce" it may be useful - there was some kind of "power shift" there. With the WAW its often about gains vs. losses.
Dammit! Dam dam dam dam dam dam dam dam dam dam dam dam.
I'm feeling sorry for her. Splart! Gaack!
All that stuff @Greek writes about WAW. It's right!
Poor WAW. She came home from work last night and, though I thought I'd seen her discombobulated, she was stone-cold-discombobulated. With 48 hours or so left in this house, her house, "our" house, the kids' house -- she doesn't know which way is up.
And it's creating serious tension, just as @Coach predicted. I'd grilled some lamb chops for the kids 'n' me, and I'd told her on the phone that there was food left. So I grill up the chop, grill up some asparagus and mushrooms, bake her crescent roll (Pillsbury, dudes -- I'm not that good a guy, LOL), and serve it. And the look on her face is somewhere between Despair and Loathing, as if to say, "Who the hell do you think you are feeding me this tasty food, buster?"
And it just went downhill from there. She's tired of me being supportive. She's tired of me "wanting" her to say things -- she's got nothing to say! She's irritated by me being available! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!
Yep. Gotta love that Divorce-Busting.
So I'm stepping back. She needs even more space, even more room. And, yes indeed @Greek, as hard as it is for LBS to acknowledge and accept, she needs time to grieve.
It's very weird, I'll admit. But I've come to the realization that we LBS tend to create caricatures of WAS -- just as they create caricatures of us -- in order to facilitate the process, whatever the Way of the WAS is. We know ourselves to be greater than the sum of our parts; we know that we're better than what our marital failings indicate; we know we're capable of better and more and deeper and richer -- hell, it's why we're working so hard at this thing. So why doesn't WAS see that, s/he says in anguish?
Because they can't see that, at least not while they're in the fog. Who're they going to believe, the Way of the WAS or their lying eyes?
Think about it objectively (and this is something we've discussed in earlier threads of mine) -- decades of research in social-psychology teaches us that, as humans, we hate disconfirming information. We take stuff that doesn't "seem right" and mush and mash and smush and smash it around until it does "seem right" -- where "right" is defined as "matching what we already believe." Each of us knows this just in terms of our politics -- "our" guy is always right, even if he's wrong, because his wrongness is "right."
It seems to me that the tipping point for the lucky few like @Coach/Greek is when WAS acknowledges that the eyes don't lie. When WAS stops fighting the disconfirming information and says to him/herself, "Maybe I was wrong."
But that's a tough row to hoe, sports fans. And WAS needs time and space to hoe that row.
I saw that last night, almost for the first time.
Because I'm Divorce-Busting or Way of Warring (cf, @Gypsy) or whatever-it-is-I'm-doing. And it's messing up the Way of the WAS. So now it's time to sit back. Keep up my GAL (I've sort of plateau'd, so need to re-energize there). I've got to Keep Rolling My Way.
SP, I "thought" you had a way with words but this has to be about the best thread I've read
@fb2: Thanks very much for that compliment, but the credit goes to the community -- @aliveandkicking, Forrest Gump, Coach, Greek, Puppy Dog Tails, Thinker, jaguilar, orangedog, mindblank, Gardener, Traveldane, AlexEN, Kalni, pollyanna, Gypsy, DanceQueen, Silver Fox, and anyone else I've overlooked -- whose comments/questions/challenges make the discussion move forward.
@Thinker: Part of GALing is meeting new friends. I feel like I have met some great new friends here - even if we never meet in person.
Fact, Stone. Written in. One each. (Ex-military will get it.)
I had the privilege of meeting a great new friend (? - one hopes) from the DB community in person yesterday. Odd as it was initially -- it must be somewhat like computer dating -- it quickly became just a "normal thing" (for me anyway). Maybe that's how we meet people these days? I don't know. But whatever. I guess there aren't really bowling leagues anymore....
But the Meeting (and I mean that in the verb and not noun sense) was superb. A terrific person. Who knows who Him/Herself is.
