Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 48 of 50 1 2 46 47 48 49 50
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,632
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,632
Originally Posted By: Coach

You can't go back to the old marriage. Both of you need to be one the same page for a reconciliation. Greek told me she was "all in." She started reading a lot of the books I read and started reading here once she got over the initial shock.


So far, Mrs. Thinker has shown absolutely no interest or willingness to do any of this. She is still in the "Blame it all on Thinker and Run away" mode. I am moving ahead as if she is, at some point in time, going to decide to really work hard on herself. One of my fears, however, is that she never will.

Quote:

Are you really her friend right now? She is protecting herself and testing your changes. You are being watched.


I had this discussion with her a couple of days ago. I told her that I could see how much stress she was under and that as her friend I was concerned and worried about her. She replied "Are you my friend? I don't think we are friends."

At the time I was really surprised by this, since from my point of view and from what I feel, she is my friend. I am always surprised when I find out how truly distant she feels.


Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
Quote:
But as the power has shifted in my sitch, I sort of woke up with a 2x4 to the head: "Hey dude -- it, ummm, wasn't all you. There were 2 people in this marriage." WAW's attitude towards me in the context of the D has certainly evolved (right word?) as I noted to Puppy above. But it has evolved (regressed?) to her "normal" M behavior towards me: pushy and critical combined with a dollop of thin-skinned and defensive. She doesn't actively listen. I have to be constantly mindful of using the phrases "my point of view" and "my perspective."


Wow, you all have been busy! Great thread.

The above quote is the truth....hallelujah.

I think that in some ways (speaking to the issue of vulnerability and such), this is a matter of the quality of marriage you want with Mrs. SP or next Mrs. SP.

Once, I was willing to settle for just getting my H back (and did that 6 years ago. I am no longer there.

As of now, I am willing to walk into Retrovaille with nearly equal ambivalence that M "can work." I am willing to be convinced that we are a pair that can live with respect and mutual admiration, healthy boundaries, forgiveness, trust and exhibitions of valuing the relationship (reading, growing, etc).

I think that in some ways, it is the couples that really split, really take a good deal of time and space to grow (for real), and then come back together, who proceed to have marriages that I might want.

Again, saving the marriage can't be of as much importance as saving oneself.

Recently, I asked H, following his rattling off a litany of things I had done wrong or not done in the R since we last reconciled, "H, what did you change? What did you do differently?" Kaboom. There wasn't much other than a LOT of therapy that led to temporary changes in behavior that were short-lived. He changed zero, zilch, nada.

So, for the sake of sanity, for the sake of making this all worthwhile, I think you do have to jump off the cliff so to speak and let life, your own and WAS's evolutions reveal whether the new R is a viable prospect.



Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
By the way, I don't think many of us DBers (of the limbo variety) have even experienced yet the positive growth and change we are capable of. Most of us have just found ourselves gaining a sense of equilibrium...the best is yet to come and the work no where near done.



Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,632
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,632
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
By the way, I don't think many of us DBers (of the limbo variety) have even experienced yet the positive growth and change we are capable of. Most of us have just found ourselves gaining a sense of equilibrium...the best is yet to come and the work no where near done.


Agreed! - definitely still need to work on me!


Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,350
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,350
Gotta agree with Pup on his assertion that don'tgiveashitness is harmful to later chance of reconciling.

It's great for the individual to toughen up and GAL and not need the WAS. Essential for his/her mental health in the long run. But there is a delicate balance in staying open to truly caring about the other person. And that is really hard when the other person is hurting you. Still, this is the essence of fb2's bitterness to his wife. He tried. He cared. And what did he get in return? Coldness, don'tgiveashitness. A very ugly thing to get in return for caring.

So if your goal is reconciliation, then building a wall between you is not helpful in the long run.

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,757
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,757
@CityGirl wrote: I do feel that when a totally new R happens (i.e. one that is not with your W) the "new rules" of a new R seem to happen in a more organic and natural fashion. IMO (or at least in my experience with my H) that is where the WAS finds it to be too much work because they have not done the work.

Wow. Hadn't thought of it in those terms. Hmmmmmmmm.

The WAS is unsure how to process this all because all of a sudden the LBS isnt a sobbing mess. It becomes clear to the WAS that the LBS will not only be just fine but maybe better. In order to cope, it is my opinion the WAS must revert back and work extra hard to try and change the dynamic back to the old unhealthy one so they can operate in the forum (unhealthy) in which they are comfortable.


Exactly the point Old College Friend was making. Hmmmmmm. Bayesian updating begins....

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,757
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,757
A couple very brief convos w/ WAW so far today. Her deciding at the last minute to "move out" last night was a big step for her. (I think, from my POV, in my opinion, etc. etc.)

I've been nothing but cheery on the phone and in my emails today, but she has definitely (re)progressed to her March-April, Full-Bore-WAW manifestation. One-word email responses, monotone "yes?" answers to the phone's ring (when caller i.d. shows SP). "I guess you want me to come back early today and clear out the bedroom for you."

Hey! That would be super! Thanks for offering!

Surely there's some of the dynamic @CityGirl expressed so well (see above) -- I'm just not being "right" in this sitch.

As a tactical matter, I'm going to proceed under the assumption that the next week or so is going to really be a shake-up/shake-down period with WAW making the final jump to light speed. She's likely to be all at Sixes and Sevens, so I'm going to be stealthy.

Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
6s and 7s??? confused confused

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 5,299
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 5,299
Make sure you stay busy now, certain days/times will get to you, be self-aware. She is hurting right now so watch your tone and message. Really listen to her beyond the words. She knows she is hurting you and the kids, just because it was her choice doesn't mean you can't show compassion. If you can't muster it up just be still.
Make some changes in the house when she leaves, rearrange furniture, move paintings, lamps etc.
Cheers


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,757
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,757
Quote:
Make sure you stay busy now...watch your tone and message
...really listen...show compassion. If you can't muster it up just be still...Make some changes in the house.


Wilco.

Page 48 of 50 1 2 46 47 48 49 50

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard