V, I think you are really reacting to her stuff. I guess these are the issues that need to be addressed between you.
About the awkward moments, can you say," I am not sure if it is a good idea" - then they can ask her if it is ok to ask you to stay. Kids are not dumb and they know that neither of you wants to be the bad guy and it sounds like they don't want to judge.
You could be the better one and ask your W about these situations and her input. Me, with my exh, I recognized that the kids felt awkward at times and jumped in to make things ok when possible - but then I made all the decisions in my previous M and had to be the mature one.
You have to KNOW that you are not the bad guy! Your M is the issue and it affects the family, but it takes two and you know this so stop taking all the blame.
W calls in the morning to figure out the plan was for the day, we were going to out to dinner last night. I tell her I'm going to take the k's to the pool and she's welcome to come along...Well this is where it hits the fan...She starts off saying she has a lot to do and is tired...blah blah blah...Then starts going off on how she hates having to do everything by herself and basically how everything is my fault...Let her go on for about five minutes then stop her...Say I've decided dinner doesn't sound like a good idea. She says I'll be fine...I say nope not a good idea I'm not going.
You let her get her way with bad behavior. Just say, "I understand you are tired and it's OK. And dear W you don't have to do everything and everything is not my fault. If you start down this path again I will stop you everytime. If you have something specific you want to talk about I am all for it."
Quote:
About fifteen minutes later she leaves me a message on how I should go because the k's are really looking forward to it and will be hurt if I don't...so she's trying to guilt me, not a good idea. My guess is the k's knew nothing about the dinner and if they did they didn't say a word to me...So I call her back and tell her no once again, she said she's tired and has a lot to do that's not going to make for a fun dinner.
The stuff in bold is mind reading on your part. You have know idea what your W or kids are thinking, if you want to know just ask. That's your responsibility.
Quote:
I guess she doesn't get the fact that I'm not going to be blamed for her not getting over herself.
She invited you again and said she took a nap which was the reason she said she wasnt up to it. Yeah you showed her and the kids who's boss. So how did you spend your Fathers Day dinner? You are acting passive-aggressive, not healthy for you VD. This is work for you to do. (I already got the T-shirt)
Quote:
Then the k's call last night to wish me a happy fathers day again...I know she put them up to it but she said they asked...
Mind reading. Then you discount what your W said. What could she do for you that would be OK?
Quote:
For example my D wants to do cheerleading this fall instead of soccer, W asks what I think...Tell her if that's what she wants to do why not let her, she says yeah my mom said the same thing...
Yeah I bet her Dad put your MIL up to it.
You are talking, thinking and feeling for other people. You are having conversations in your head. Stop the loop.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks for the input Coach I really do appreciate it. Before reading your post I tried that whole communication thing, didn't go very well at all...I tried to talk with her about the whole kids asking me stay ect and she basically told me it was my responsibility to figure out...bad part is it turned into an hour long talk/fight about the D...Sure I could have ended it and maybe should have but I didn't. Bottom line I'm ready to get the D over with, she hasn't done a thing, said she hasn't had time to work on anything and blamed me for not helping. Told me she may just wait and not do anything and we can just go to court...
After thing long and hard about it last night I'm going to do what I can to get this D done as soon as possible. In doing that I call her this morning asking her for some financial info, I'm being as nice as nice could be...She starts yelling at me about why I would need this or that...I reply you said you wanted my help and I'm trying to give it I need just need some info on where to start...She starts more yelling and I just say I see your angry I'm going to go, she says I'm not done and to that I reply, I am bye, and hang up...
Bottom line after two years of S I'm ready for this M to be over so I can move on...
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Sounds like you are getting to the restless point. Either do something or move on. You have been at this a long time. It goes back to give yourself a date and see how things are then. It may be tomorrow, may be in 6 months. How long do you want to go on like this? Sounds like your W can go on this way for a long time. In your conversations I don't hear anything from her regarding the M. She isn't hinting at what she would want, it sounds more like she is finding ways to be friendly and have a working relationship for your kids. Just my opinion though.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
In your conversations I don't hear anything from her regarding the M. She isn't hinting at what she would want, it sounds more like she is finding ways to be friendly and have a working relationship for your kids.
You are spot on she has no desire to be M but isn't pushing the D...We/I will be friendly because of the kids but that will be all for at least a little while.
Quote:
Sounds like you are getting to the restless point. Either do something or move on.
I am beyond restless I will do whatever I can to move the process forward as fast as possible, there is no point in dragging it out for the next five months. I'm not hurt or angry or pi$$ed off, I'm just relieved.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Limbo sucks. Its nice to have a direction. You have every right to move on with your life. If W changes her tune in the next few months or even after D is final then you can revisit if YOU want. She can't say you didn't try.
So what is your plan?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
If W changes her tune in the next few months or even after D is final then you can revisit if YOU want.
I'd be totally up for that right now but who knows what the future holds...I would be more than willing to stay in limbo if she gave any indication that she thought there was even a small chance but she says there is none, so time for both of us to move on.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
sounds like W wants both the keep the M and have it her way.
you sound ready to take the next step, just a warning... during my first D, exh kept asking me what we were doing everytime we went to the L. I always said we could talk after. Never talked after... always wondered what would have happened if we did... I decided that if he didn't want the D, then we wouldn't. Be certain how you proceed. If it is what you want... so be it. If you are doing this to push her buttons... then think about it.
Either way, it is a tough course. Be careful, take care of yourself and be kind. Don't forget you are a good man and a good F. Hard qualities to find. You have been very helpful to me and I will be there for you.
