I think you have your head on straight here, don't expect too much, too fast. One problem is that he might! Not sure what to say to that, except be careful!
Why does this make me nervous? Because I'm scared there may be some denial here. You also posted that you have so many questions about his involvemnet w/Helen that still bother you.
I guess that is why I'm ocncerned b/c you're saying things are back to "normal" or at least "feeling normal." Well, normal is still broken, isn't it?
I'm preaching caution here b/c BF still has miles and miles to go to clean up his own messy garage, while you did some soul searching in his absence.
A I don't want to be a downer here, which is why I've put off posting this for several days now, but I'm fearful that you are so excited to be back w/him that you may be overlooking some real, definite issues that still linger.
Ok, after reading again Rob's and BNDs posts, I want to say something. First of all I am happy for you, that you get this chance, that he seems "dedicated" to you, that you do share this deep connection you always talked aboutt.
I agree that things should not move very fast but I understand that the logistics may not leave you an option. As far as the "difficulties" you are facing, I am always worried when things look "normal" very quickly because this is what I've experienced with H and he always hid things under the carpet until we stumbled on them and hurt ourselves. So, by this, I am trying to say that I agree that you should be careful and try to deal with things slowly rather than pretend that nothing has happened. I just feel you need to do that AFTER a few weeks have gone by, in order for you guys to feel safe to open up to each other and deal with what needs to be dealt.
In my case, I tried to lay everything down and demand and request and kill the ghosts and not settle and, and, and, and... you know it hasnt worked either. I suggest you head for the middle ground. Hope my English is not very confusing, love M
I have to say I think Kalni makes a lot of sense. You guys need to get used to each other again for a while and be ok in each others company and then address things that need to be addressed. That is how I would approach it (if I ever get the chance!).
I don't see a problem with you guys living together so long as it is his suggestion. He needs to come to that decision. JMO - what do I know!
Hello everyone, sorry for not posting much, I actually am not getting much time to myself these days!! Ha, to think I would find that a problem. Rob, BND, thanks for your concerns and keeping up with me, I really appreciate it! You too Jeff I am well aware of the issues he has and we have spoken about it so I dont disregard it at all. His exczema is very bad, worst I've ever seen it and he said its stress related. He went to the Drs and got back on ADs yesterday, his own doing. I only found out then that he stopped taking them last October, but he knows he needs them as he still gets down days.
Julia, yes, I think K has it about right too and yes, it was all his decision and I let him 'drive' it. So he asked me to give notice and I cant move out of here until 15 August, but I think I will be moving into his place sooner. We changed the plan, I offered to live at his place as then he will feel more ownership and it will be more of a fresh start for us.
K, no your English was perfect as ever!! So last night I made my first ever demand, shall we say, I said I felt sad (packed up last of my show and left college) and I felt like I needed a treat, a romantic meal! And he replied that he had already intended to cook me dinner, which he did.
So alot has happened/been said and I have made him cry twice without meaning to !! We had a BIG talk Saturday night, he started it, we were in the pub with friends, but we had only had one or two drinks so it wasnt alchohol induced.
He hardly spoke to the friends we met (unlike him!!) but hugged and kissed me alot and chatted/flirted with me (this really has been like dating all over again). He picked me up and put me on a step at one point so we were at perfect kissing height, for example. Then he got very serious, he said...
(Sorry K!!! x)...he was soooo sorry, he put me through so much and for what? all for nothing.. I said, well it wasnt for nothing. He agreed that we have both made mistakes and had regrets at times, but no more messing about now, he wanted this to be it, for life, to not drift anymore, this is for keeps! He said he cant believe his luck that I took him back after what he put me through and he feels so lucky and blessed and I said that we were both lucky and blessed and he agreed and stressed its for keeps now.. but joked he wouldnt hold me to it if in 30 years time I decide to leave him. The way he was talking, I was worried he was about to propose there and then (I hope he does, just a little more special than the local village pub!).
He said he loved me, soo much, I really really do...so I feel able to ask little things now, but I keep it to an absolute minimum still.. I agree with you all that more time needs to pass whilst we reestablish ourselves as a couple. So I asked about Christmas Day and he said he DID think of me, of course, very much and got teary then.. I joked he owed me a skiing holiday... he got very serious and said he had been thinking the same and he would LOVE that and wants us to (I got the impression it would be healing for him, for his regrets). I said he was busy having a good time, he said, no, not really.
He bought up the fact that February was our 10 year anniversary.. I said it would have been and he looked upset again and kept hugging me trying not to cry, so I laughed and said ok, what the hell, lets call it our 10 year anniversary anyway if you like, whose gonna argue?!
He shamefully admitted that he never went to the comedy show I got tickets for, which was last November, that it "wouldnt have been right" (to take her I guess) and it had upset him to lie to me about going.
So another mystery solved !!! He said, I know theres things you need to know and want to ask in time and thats ok, but this is it for me now, I want us to be ok now. I asked him if it was difficult.. at work... (meaning her, we never use her name of even the word "her").. he said no, not at all and some words that made me realise he has had NO contact with her since they split up, which I was glad about.
My parents were here Thu-Mon (we took them to bandnight and they loved it !!) and they all got on great and it went very well. We were on a 2 day kayaking course which was brilliant, but he did nosedive the last afternoon and got irritable (depressed). It was quite hard on me, but he was ok by the evening and we talked about it (hence him going back on ADs).
Last night was our first 'normal' night.. he cooked whilst I did some chores and I no longer feel like I need to be this flirty girty firecracker, I can be myself and wind down a bit around him, after our fun weekend.
So, theres more layers to unpeel but he seems more and more regretful and like he IS emerging from a sleepwalk, or fog, realising what he has done. I made him cry by accident..he was amazed I got a deli curry from Asda reduced to 50p last night.. I said, now you see how come I ate ready meals alot. He said but you have to be there every evening to take advantage and I absentmindedly said I was, I used to go to Asda every night just for something to do (I did in those early dark days!)...he stopped and looked at me in shock and said you're kidding? Seriously? I joked what a saddo, going to Asda for company.. and then realised what I had said as he started crying. He hugged me and cried for ages and I just rubbed his back and said, it was hard.. and hugged him, then we joked about the dinner burning and we left it there...
So little bits are being revealed of what I went through, but he can only handle the minimun!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
This sounds VERY healthy to me Ali. It has to be a slow opening, like a rose opening to the morning sun....oh gads...I'm sounding sappy and ridiculous...sorry! Ok, how about an onion...peeling back the layers. HA!
I'm nearly in tears because I'm so happy and excited for you to have the opportunity to build a new love with your old love. Please keep us up to date on how you are working through it all. A success story in the making!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Just wanted to thank you for your support on my thread. I posted my response there. Congrats on the return of your BF!
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Hi Silver, you're welcome! Thankyou Mish, thats really sweet of you...
Its not easy, in fact its getting a little harder. BND you said I may be "so excited" to be back with him, but thats not how I would describe it, I dont feel excited! Its more just a feeling of relief, normality, like I was on high alert for nearly 2 years, on red and I just downgraded to orange, or yellow really.
Yesterday he took the afternoon off and we went to a beautiful little cove the tourists dont know about and had a lovely, relaxing afternoon reading. But as the evening wore on I felt.. depressed, distant. He kept asking if I was alright alot (I think he is getting worried I am having second thoughts). Eventually I told him what it was, as he wanted to know.. I said, we last went to that cove for the afternoon Aug 2007.. I tried so hard.. to be alluring, attractive, to get you to notice me, but you werent interested, you hardly spoke to me, I tried so hard.. by this time tears were rolling down my cheeks and he was shocked (did he really not realise HOW much he hurt me !!??) and hugged me and said he was soo sorry, but "I was unhinged back then".. So, he really was not in his right mind and presumably, now is. Wierd hey? More answers though.
This morning we were discussing my new bed, did he like it? I said others did.. he span around... Oh really?? WHO? and was genuinely worried.. I couldnt believe it, did he not notice how committed I was, how I tried to win him back during our S? Perhaps he thought I did something once he was with Helen. He quizzed me a little, saying he didnt know how many then tried to say he was only teasing. But I didnt let him get away with that, I said, no you're not, you are trying to find out if there was anyone else in my bed.. well there wasnt, only you. I said I didnt know how many either.. but he looked ashamed and said you KNOW how many.. I then asked him, would he have been jealous? He said "Hell yes!"
So guess it was just Helen then between us. He never was into one night stands.
So the little snippets of hurt and shame keep leaking out, but in amongst, we laugh and cuddle alot at least.
I am well aware of the issues he has and we have spoken about it so I dont disregard it at all. His exczema is very bad, worst I've ever seen it and he said its stress related. He went to the Drs and got back on ADs yesterday, his own doing. I only found out then that he stopped taking them last October, but he knows he needs them as he still gets down days.
HA!