I was wondering where you were wish I had a way to get in touch, but glad to see you here.
It is a business deal, you are right. SO going to skip the zoo. Let him figure out the transportation.
I like your written response, and will send that in the morning. An objective viewpoint was needed.
I know that I let some emotional stuff get in there. I've kept it bottled up for more than a year, and this whole thing just got to me.
What was my goal? I did loose track of that. It was to have the hot tub for the kids (I probably won't even use the thing). And I let it go towards trying to get some empathy from a stone. Pisses me off that I have to pay for something that our family already paid for and has been sitting in the yard for more than a year. I have been slow to anger, and some things are still fuming below the surface for me, which I have to let go. I keep thinking I did, then the sticky thing comes back in sitches like this. (Remember the $500 in jewelry that he put on my credit card just after the bomb, but "threw away?" And I had to pay the bill with my refi. Still needles me, and I just have to let it go - it's BUSINESS).
The agreement said the hot tub would be sold and the proceeds split evenly. We both placed ads (at least he said he did); I concluded that no one wanted to buy the thing. I don't think he even tried to sell it, hoping that he could talk me into giving it to him. It just sat here for a year. My assumption was that, something of no value, split evenly, means that he gets half of zero. He didn't like that.
OK, in the grand scheme of things, if it takes another $800 to be done with him, it is worth it. Better yet, he takes the offer and writes it off completely. We'll see.
This was the response I sent tonight before reading here: "Do not come to my house tomorrow. If the gentleman would like to see the tub, give him directions and I will be here to show it. I need his name and number.
I am not addressing the rest of your email tonight."
As far as the co-parenting thing is concerned, do you see this dynamic changing, ever, without some mediation/intervention/referee?
Thanks for stopping in, friends. I am so glad to have you all here for the times I need it - I never would have dreamed that it would have gotten better, though, but it certainly has! LOTS less drama overall, so not much to post about over the last few weeks (before this)!
"I've kept it bottled up for more than a year, and this whole thing just got to me."
There is no reason at all to keep it bottled up. But the thing to do is to find an appropriate outlet -- your XH is not the right person. There is no R to work out anymore. You don't need to resolve those problems in your XM because it no longer exists.
I think far more important to co-parenting than roping your XH into therapy (YOUR agenda for a long time which I suspect amounts to some WIN in your mind) is your ability to let go and move on, to dump the view that he still "owes you" in some way (as with the hot tub), and to get past the need to punish him. You are still being somewhat co-dependent on a man in an M, of which neither exist anymore. So, you are putting that on XH. For instance, you still fantasize about "showing him" how far you have come... Have you considered going back to al-anon for awhile?
I relented and the tub was sold today. Just got $800 cash. He will still be doing the work on the A/C.
Progress...maybe. After a set-back. We talked by phone yesterday morning. It lasted too long and went beyond business. He really wants to get together with an intermediary (IC) so we can get on with co-parenting. It went back and forth, lots of old stuff rising to the surface yet again.
But I finally figured something out (not before me telling him that I don't want to be divorced - I was SO angry at myself for even going there, because I know that I don't want to be married to him anymore, either!)
After calming down, I called him back and read him the following:
Quote:
I wanted to say something. I am not happy with the way I reacted before. But I finally realize what it is about, what it has been about all along.
Divorce is not the way things should be; it is against God’s plan. It is terrible for the kids, and has long-standing effects on them, especially as they go into their adult lives. I see how it hurts them on a daily basis.
I am not like what you experienced on the phone today; not anymore. I can’t even remember when I had that reaction last. On most accounts, I have adjusted very well to the way things are, and am making a good life for myself, happy with friends and family.
But I carry around the knowledge that things aren’t right. This is not the way children were meant to be raised – it hurts them. And my mind keeps going back to the one thing that would make this right for them – an intact family. I am angry with myself that I keep going back there, like a worn groove in a record, trying to fix what can’t be fixed, for the kids, for the family, for us.
I know that it is not possible, anymore. I don’t want you in my life that way. And I mourn for that, for them. The kids and I are left to pick up the pieces, and make do with second best (or worse – second best would have been if you had died). It will never be right.
If you wanted the best for these children, you should have thought about what the consequences were when you betrayed your wife, and your family. You should have thought about that when you decided you didn’t want to try anymore, even when you KNEW that I loved you and would have done anything to make this marriage work. If you didn’t want a crazy ex-wife, as I suppose you love to see me and make sure to tell everyone I am, then maybe you should have lived up to your vows and made this right in the first place. I bet it’s so much easier to think you made the right choice when I fall apart like that. Anytime that I loose my own struggle in trying to make things right, remember what drives it before you get angry. Things would not be this way, I would not get this way, if you had made other choices. You don’t want effects on your kids? Well, that is just a consequence of your choices.
It tore you apart when I stepped up after the bomb, because you had already given up, and you saw that you shouldn’t have. You had already gone too far. This was a marriage that could have, should have been saved. I am angry about that, but will get over it. My life will settle and I will get past the effects of all this. I don’t know if our kids ever will.
And that was ultimately your choice.
Not DB, I know. But something that I have needed to say for a long, long time.
Even after all this, he still wants to go to the IC (his idea, not mine). He wants to be friends, be able to do the best we can for the kids, given the situation.
I feel like I have just given up. Maybe that will be a good thing; who knows.
Part of the earlier convo included how he sees me as neglecting him and the kids. Said I tried to get away from them as soon as they were born. Um, I exclusively nursed until they could eat and have regular milk. I couldn't be away from them! It comes down to this - he married someone who was more than he wanted. He said he wanted a wife and mother. He got, a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, an artist, a teacher, a community activist, a girl scout leader....I get involved; it's what I do (even when he met me, I was in Student Council, Senior Class, yearbook, scouts, etc.)
I think that the only way that this could have worked, is if I had given up everything. The woman he is with is only a girlfriend and mother. Period. No friends, hates her mother, etc. I might have been able to do it for a while, but not permanently. And I know that I would not have been happy.
Maybe it isn't even the real reason, but it is enough. Enough for my brain to wrap around. Enough to know that I am not the terrible person he painted me to be. And I hope enough to remember that I don't want that, anymore.
Now write that down where you can see it. You don't want it(nor deserve it) anymore. Now move past it. You have said what you felt you needed to and now you won't be dragged back there again. Good for you hon.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
"he married someone who was more than he wanted. "
Donna,
You both married someone who was very different than what you really want in a mate. The marriage was never going to be one that met both your needs. It was a mismatch. Maybe it is time to countenance that XH was right -- divorce was the best thing. Of course, his path was not OK, but that does not mean that divorce was not ultimately the best thing for each of you.
As for your kids, you and XH are both strong presences in their lives. They have not been abandoned. They will be OK, and the more whole their parents are, the more OK they will be.
Glad to hear you have given up, the fight at this point amounts to nothing other than self-flagellation.
Now that you've found some anger, express it. Try any art like that?
I just said that same thing to my bff today...that if he really wanted the stay-at-home-and-have-no-outside-life-or-interests kind of person, then even if I tried to mold to that, I would be the one who was miserable after a while. I remember loving my children fiercely, but still longing to have adult convos, get back to teaching and making art, etc., after about a year. Amazing it lasted that long.
On a different note, the studio is painted, electric all done, ceiling fan in It looks AWESOME! Now, I just have to figure out if I can afford to repair the pool mess...
Good work, Donna! You're building for yourself here, it's great when you discover all the things that you can take care of yourself without a spouse. Keep at it
wish I had a way to get in touch, but glad to see you here.
It looks AWESOME! Now, I just have to figure out if I can afford to repair the pool mess...