I must agree with stillloveshim here. On every point. Nothing you try to do is going to magically pop him out of this, and anything you DO try is, more likely than not, going to backfire big time.
If HE doesn't even know what will make him happy, how the heck can YOU possibly figure it out for him?
You must take care of you, and leave him to him. I know it sucks, but that's the way this has to play out.
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
yeah - that's what I'm thinking. I'm not really going to see him until Sat. night - so we'll see how he acts that night. Just to see if last night was an OFF night. Last night was the worst one yet. After that I go out of town for a week (so it will be easy to avoid him), then the week after that, my kids will be w/my parents so I won't have any responsibilities to hang around the house.
We will see!
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
yeah - that's what I'm thinking. I'm not really going to see him until Sat. night - so we'll see how he acts that night. Just to see if last night was an OFF night. Last night was the worst one yet. After that I go out of town for a week (so it will be easy to avoid him), then the week after that, my kids will be w/my parents so I won't have any responsibilities to hang around the house.
We will see!
Don't let his behavior rattle you, Hope- whatever it turns out to be. Take care of you, and stay strong.
We're here pulling for you!
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
Wow, Incredible. Went out GALing tonight w/a friend. Hadn't talked to her since November. Went to dinner - ended up telling her about my sitch. Confessed she was a WAW at one point in time. Took her over 8 months to come back. Explained her whole story & position to me. What are the odds!?
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
We'll call WAS "X" in this story. X said there was a sitch where a build up of things over about 6 months made her really resentful of her H. Finally it all culminated in an event that was the straw that broke the camel's back where she decided she was done. She felt like he was controlling & it was all about her having to take her control back.
Her H was mad & never DB'd to try to get her back. X says she looks back now & knows that all she could focus on were the bad things about her H. Said she can now say she blew everything way out of proportion & acted very childish. Said she felt numb & acted like she didn't care, but looks back now & realizes she was just really pi$$ed off. Said she wanted him to hurt as badly as she had. Said there was NOTHING anyone could have done or said to her at that point in her life that would have changed her mind regarding D. They went to MC & she thought she'd just go to blast her H.
She moved out & realized she would miss her girls when she didn't have them. Also realized all the financial ramifications of what she was doing. Said she watched an episode of Dr. Phil where he said for your kid's sake you have to "earn your way out of a marriage". Said she had to hit rock bottom in order to be able to come full circle & realize she had to "try" to make a go of the M.
Moved back home & slept in separate BR's for 6 months. Stopped going to MC & each night her & H would sit on the couch & have 15 minutes each w/no interruptions to air everything they felt. Finally in-laws came to visit & she had to move back into bed w/H. They made baby steps in getting closer to each other again.
Looks back & is mad that she wasted a year & half of her life doing this. Says she is a different person today. Used to be a door mat - I would have NEVER known that. She is a tell-it-like-it-is assertive person now. And I might add, a very cool lady.
The whole time she was telling me the story - I kept interrupting & saying you were a real B---H! She was like - wow now that I see the pain you're going through I'm starting to feel really bad for my H. Said to this day she has never apologized. I told her she better when she goes home! She told me her marriage has changed. Says it's a deeper love, where you have more respect for each other as people. You understand the other person better. She also said there were some things they never got back. Doing this took a piece of it away. Says there's a fraility there she never knew could exist before.
Moral of the story in my mind and oh, what a cliche! "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they are yours." I purposely left out the next line for reasons of optimism. My interpretation of this goes back to me finally getting the idea of detachment. Doesn't mean you don't have to give a crap, actually it is more unconditional love than you can ever imagine. Letting someone be who they are...or who they want to become...and understanding that they have to make up their own mind about what they want.
She also said for me to continue to engage my H in occasional phone calls at work. Info on the kids, ask to pick something up on the way home from work, make him feel needed/wanted to try to build him back up. She also said sometimes when you talk to older people who have been married 50+ yrs, they'll say at certain points there was only one person holding up the M & right now it has to be me.
Just thought it was encouraging to see another example of a couple who was able to survive this...and there wasn't even any DBing. We should all have even better odds!
Last edited by Hopeful in VA; 06/20/0902:34 PM.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
I think I'm finally getting it. Tell me if I've had my lightbulb moment & this is to Forrest Gump too! Which by the way, I was at my MIL's house today & they mentioned that movie & I thought - I'm friends with that guy on a message board!
Anywho...when you are REALLY & TRULY making your changes, you don't have to worry anymore about - did I do or say the right thing? You just KNOW you did. It's not about doing the right thing anymore "to see if your WAS responds" - you just do it because it feels right & you want to.
For example, for the past few months everytime H says - I'm going out with my friends. I would be biting my tongue & deep down I was mad. Tonight H said I'm going on my friend's boat next week & I said (and meant it) - that sounds like fun! you haven't been out on his boat since last summer, have you? H says no. I said well I bet you guys are going to have a great time. And I actually meant it!
And I don't care about his reaction. He could continue to reject me, and of course that's not what I want & it hurts, but I'm happy for him. I really am.
Tonight I was sitting on the couch with him thinking - yep, I'm over here on my side, going through my journey. And he's over there on the other side, going through his! And I'm happy!
Is this what you guys have been trying to get me to "get"? Please read post above. It's what made me have this revelation.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
And the other interesting thing for me was to figure out how to be happy through this...but when I see that I am changing, it makes me happy. When I am happy it is easier to "change". It's like the old saying what came first, the chicken or the egg.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
