K4D Rising

[25yearsmlc]

Kevin,

Sorry the evening didn't go as planned. I wish you had stayed with the plan you made. You have to really do the detachment work and not just read about it or agree to it or ponder it...take that first step of the journey. Or it'll be that much longer. And harder.

Obviously you should have left when dinner was over. She didn't really need any help. (We know that now, so we don't have to wonder). No, we can't read minds but my guess is that either she did want help but then she thought better of it b/c she didn't want you around so much, OR maybe, less likely, she wanted to make sure you had no real plans b/c it stroked her ego to know you weren't really GAL. (Either way she she still had all that power you gave her).

And then she said, in effect, "Bye now Kevin, go B/C i now recall that I don't need you." Ouch. There are subconcious (or conscious) games going on at your expense. Unfortunately, you play the game over and over.

For instance, when she goes on about her birthday activities, from which you were excluded...First-- that's just rude. I would not do that to a neighbor whom I had excluded, let alone someone to whom I was once married. At best it's very insensitive of her. Does she really think of you as an old platonic friend who is interested in what a good time she is having as a single woman? Or is she just so self absorbed she's this unaware? There's not a lot of respect or kindness going on there. But why did you remind her that you wish you could have been there? You thought she forgot the neediness for a minute? That's what we want her to think Kevin. That you offer something, not that you need. Ignore it if you can, or ask her not to discuss it. I mean, why ask any questions about her birthday activities or even pay attention, let alone tell her you wish you had been there? Or that you wish you had seen her family from out of town???!! [/i] This is the family with the mother in law who won't be in same room as you Kevin...come on.


Like I said, you really need to do more than read about detachment Kevin, you have to do it. Maybe when you bang your head against the wall enough, you'll decide one day to stop the banging and wondering

Here is what matters now....[color:#FF0000]What do you think you'll do differently next time you are there as a guest? What will you do if she tries to manipulate you again? Can you firmly say you have plans, then leave, and reveal nothing? That'd be a real 180'. If your kids ever truly need you, of course that changes it all. But if she had needed you to "pack" for a camping trip, all you could possibly have been were needed for - was lifting something. She can do the rest, and now it's all her job. That's what happens when you don't always have a man around.

Could reading the detaching section every day and every evening help you? If I were you, I would do anything I could to make detachment a reality.
Otherwise you are making a long journey a lot longer and a lot harder and maybe not even something you can accomplish. B/C Without detaching, I dont' see how you'll succeed. It's the first big important step. And the other stuff, GAL is a lot easier when you do the detachment.
j-

[K4D]

I do need to read detachment twice a day. I will start doing that. I didn't ask about her birthday. She just started talking about it. I was just polite about it and told her I am glad she had a good time.

I did want to see some of the relatives that were in from out of town as those ones are not against me. But ya, looking back it would have been better had I not said that.

There wasn't much I could have said as far as getting a life. It was getting later, it was Sunday night and I had D7 with me that I needed to take back and get her ready for bed before long.

D7 was very upset about her sister leaving for the week last night. It really bothered her. She doesn't really want to be anywhere without her sister that long. She cried for a while about that. I think what is going on there is she is bonding to her sister as her only stability because of the situation. I think she is very untrusting of anything else right now. Saturday I was telling FaithfulH that D7 asked why mommy wanted to divorce me and then said it makes hers and D11's lives so much harder. That tore me up inside. This coming from a 7 year old. I don't think that she does tell her mom this stuff or ask her because her mom in the past hasn't responded so kindly to these things from the kids. So I'm not sure that her mom really knows what effect this is having on the kids. I know that before D11 had brought some things up and I asked her if she had talked to her mom about it and she said no because of the way she had responded previously.

Anyways, I really tried to comfort D7 and tell her what a fun week she was going to have with her mommy and that on Thursday night when she is back with me we will rent a movie and eat something good and have a good time. But it took her a while to calm down. At one point she wanted to call D11 and talk to her, so I let her and D11 was really good on the phone with her. I think D11 has really just moved into acceptance of this and she has always been somewhat independent anyways. But I think she has accepted that there is nothing she can do about it and is just trying to make her way through things. This is really having an impact on D7 though. I wish W knew just how much of an impact this is having on D7. But I'm not 100% sure she does.

D7 was telling me last night that she doesn't like how my room is set up. She was telling me that her mommy's room is set up with a tv in it and mommy chats on her laptop while rubbing D7's belly to put D7 to sleep. I don't have a tv in my room and I don't bring my laptop in there. But I did rub her belly and she finally fell asleep after much crying and missing her sister already.

W showed up this morning with D11 because apparently D11 hadn't taken all of her clothes with her. So W was not in a good mood. I just now got a text from W saying that D11 was off and gone to camp. I didn't respond.

Here is my question. How long or how many times should I wait or say no before responding to an offer to be around W? A week? A couple of weeks? A month? I know at the minimum I am going to see her every Sunday evening when we switch the kids off. But outside of that is what I am wondering? And I know when we switch the kids off it is better to just do it and leave and not hang around. I can certainly do that.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

I would let your W initiate any contact (visits, dinners, family outings) for a goog long while. I know you have to see her when you exchange the children but other than that, I would let her do ALL the initiating (making plans or any other form of contact).

And while this will be difficult *if* she does initiate plans I would not always say yes. If she does initiate plans again I would decline and happily say... "W, that sounds great but I will have to take a rain check"

No matter what contact you have w/her (in person or via the phone or computer or text) be sure to always end the contact first. I think for now that is important.

As far as her going on and on about her b-day which you were not invited to I think it was terribly rude. This type of situation is where you need to learn to set your boundaries. In a firm and polite manner you can say "W, I am glad you enjoyed your celebration but I certainly dont need to hear all the details and would prefer not to".

It has happened in a long time but last summer H used to bring up his GF from time to time saying how happy he was or how good things were and I would tell him in a very firm tone "H, I will not listen to this anymore, its disrespectful and something I will not discuss with you". It stopped.

The WAS will push and push for that platonic type R and a good sign of that is when they start to talk to you about other men or women. Its up to you how you handle that but I nipped it in the bud right off the bat.

Once you are detached more your W could say ANYTHING to you and it wont even be a blip in your radar anymore. It will just be her talking and it wont have any positive or negative reaction from you.

Detach, lose any and all expectations and set your boundaries.

My sister and I are 3.5 yrs apart in age and we are also best friends. We have been our whole life. There is nothing like having a sister as a best friend so I think it is a positive that your girls are so close. Encourage that R and help that nurture it.

[K4D]

Ok.

W just tried calling and I did not answer. So far today I have ignored a text message and a phone call. She didn't leave a voice mail so it could not have been that important.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Did the text have to do with the kids? If so, can it wait? Ask her if it can wait if you cannot tell by the message...b/c you are at work and don't need to bother with things that can wait, while you are getting paid for work. (You want this job to be extended until you find a new one, right? So you can't "coast", correct?) Surely your w will understand your ambitions... ( yes a 180'!!)


And is she really inviting you that often that this is a "problem"? If it doesn't have to do with the kids, why would you accept an invite? She is not going to ask you over for dinner to make a move or "see what happens" Kevin. If and when she is ready to do some work on the R, she'll FIRST stop talking about her wonderful single life and OM and all the things she forgot to invite you to...so you won't be confused by it like you are now. To me, her behavior is NOT confusing, it's uncaring. And rude. It is not moving towards a reconciliation but at best, it's not moving away from it. She's happy where she is right now, it seems...

So you'll know if the time comes for some "R" talk, b/c there will be BIG flags that tell you something is different --like when she stops all the "single girl" talk. Til then, what is with all the worry and projecting about future problems that might not ever happen? Stay in the now and work on your life and it'll be better.

Don't futurize so much -- as it just fills your days with worry and fear, instead of faith and joy and gratitude.
J-

[K4D]

The text was just telling me that D11 had gotten off to church camp for the week. Good idea on the 180 and ambition.

I went to my counseling appointment yesterday. The counselor asked me to think of 3 positive things I could say to someone about myself. So I will think that over this week. He also said that one of my weaknesses was never developing any coping skills outside of drinking or my W. So he also recommended AA as he has worked in programs like that to learn more coping skills.

He asked me if it was easier or harder now with not drinking anymore. I said its a lot harder because now I am facing reality completely sober and I am facing the most difficult situation in my life with out masking it through alcohol. He said that made sense.

He is a nice guy.

I think one of the difficult things about this whole process is that I understand separation to work on the M, but I don't understand W completely bypassing that and going straight to other men without at least giving separation a try first or M counseling. But again, that is beyond my control. I only have control over me and I am putting my faith in God and trying to do the best that I can to build myself out of this rut.

Last night after the appointment a friend of mine called and we went out for chinese and then some shopping. Then I came home and went to bed.

She also majored in pyschology. I asked her what is wrong with me finding happiness in my family. She said nothing but that there is nothing more attractive than some who is not needy and independent and that I do need to have things I enjoy outside of the marriage. She said she expects it to be 2 years before W starts looking back at me. I think the time frame only worries because she is in full dating mode now and could be remarried by that point. But again I have to get away from futurizing and keeping my faith in God that he will restore my M. He is the one that can do it. But I need to make sure I am doing my part.

Tonite I am supposed to go to a divorced and singles meetup group that I have been going to every other week. Tomorrow night is church. Thursday night I get D7 for the night since D11 is away for church camp. I have no idea what I am going to do Friday or Saturday. I know I will have church on Sunday and then get my girls back Sunday night. I might go to an AA meeting on Friday. My C said that I can learn coping skills at AA meetings which could really help me out.

I'm thinking about showing my girls how to play golf. They are tall enough that they might do ok at it.

I am going to move back to New Comers as I am not getting quite the feedback in this section. I will call the new thread K4D Rising #2.

Again, I am thankful for God and everything he does for me and my family.

K4D