No, Puppy, you're absolutely right. I am rescuing. Or, if not "rescuing," then certainly tossing a life-ring from the stern of my ship as it passes her in the night.
And why not? She's a fine person, all else being equal. I love her.
I get that. But sometimes when you love someone, you let them squirm a little if you know it will help them grow, no?
Wouldn't it do her more good if you let her learn how to SWIM better, than to toss her a LIFE RING?
I'm also worried that if I allowed my W to crash really hard, she wouldn't bounce.
So you avoid the crash at what cost? Ultimately you don't do her any favor letting yourself be emotionally abused.
I think most of us here forget that we are in the most extreme marital crises here. Most of us are dealing with depression, MLC, affairs etc.
We can't look at this as a pool of normal marriages. We are all hanging off the cliff. My point is that, DB be damned, you got to do what you got to do when you're at this juncture. On the upside, no fear, cuz we know the odds are against R...
I don't see SP being "emotionally abused"; in fact, as I've said before, he seems to be handling this far better than most (which is why I think no one's been questioning his approach).
And I, in fact, normally base my advice -- whether it's "take a firm stand" or it's "take a more passive approach -- based mainly on how well the LBS is able to HANDLE a passive, pure-DB approach.
In this case, however, I'm actually saying that in spite of the fact that Smiley seems to be handling it so well, I don't think he's doing his WIFE any favors by "rescuing" her in this way.
I understand what you are saying with this SP. Between caretaking to the point of enabling, and allowing them to crash so hard it could have long term impact.
I'm also worried that if I allowed my W to crash really hard, she wouldn't bounce.
Take the training wheels off they are for kids. Risk and reward when you take your hand off the seat and let go. Risk and rewards for both participants. Parenting your spouse is frustrating and a turn-off for both people. Rescuing and enabling is just a attempt to control someone else. The only control you have is self-control. Self-control is really the way to love yourself. Lovingly detach. Differentiate. My wife taught me this, "I wasn't put on this earth to be your wife." She is her own special, unique, challenged and growing person. We are different and stumble over different issues. Boundaries have helped me see where I end and she starts. We are both stronger and healthier as a result. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well, at least you're not reading VAMPIRE NOVELS while driving ,. . .
I got a great new idea for a TV series. It's about little people vampires with multiples. "Little Bella and Steven plus 7" Whaddya think???
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I've avoided the initials.. LBS, WAS.. because I feel they increase the sense of victimization, labeling and inherent fingerpointing. Yes, they left, rarely out of glee. Yes, most of us are left with a heart breaking 'duh'. "How can you leave without giving the marriage a chance??" Yet out of the wreckage comes a choice.. to wallow, to persevere, to grow.
As long as the victim mentality lingers through negative definitions, it takes away positive energy.
Or that's my take on it.
Greek likes this. Cheers~~~
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
fine point AAK, regarding the degree of breakdown many are at in their relationships and appropriate response, be it from the DBing tool box or arsenal of life's coping strategies.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
