WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

You are about to lose everything you've worked for and your W doesn't care squat about you. Don't argue that "she does care". If she REALLY did, she wouldn't keep rubbing your nose into the D. Stop letting her run your life. Even S you are letting her pull your strings. Cut them off and let it go.

Stuck,

The only thing I would argue would be that I'm about to lose everything that I've worked for. I feel like right now I've already lost that - my wife and family. If this had happened before the bomb, I would have agreed 100% as I was so focused on the things. Now, I see things are things, they can be replaced. People are what's the important part of your life. Someone had posted it a while ago, but it really hit me hard - people on their death's bed typically don't say they wished they had just made another $100K or bought just one more car. Rather they are focused on wishing they had spent more time with this person or said this to that person.

On the flip side, I wouldn't argue that she does care. She has said, when she reminds me of her still wanting the divorce, that she only cares because I am the father of the kids and since I have them 50% of the time, she wanted to make sure that I wouldn't do anything irrational.

We only chatted/text a couple of times today, and that was related to a parent-teacher conference for my 3 year old that we had scheduled today. She said that she didn't think that she would be able to leave work to go. I told her that I would just go.

The conference went well, he was progressing very nicely and was more than ready to start pre-school in the fall. One thing that they mentioned how my 3 year old of late seemed to be a little more on edge emotionally. I told her that my wife left. They said they knew as he had mentioned how he started to go to mommy's apartment for a few days. They said that he would bring it up very casually (i.e. like going to the grocery store) so they didn't press him on it, but they felt it was understandable having such a situation to deal with that he would act out a little more. I had really wished my wife was there to hear that, but I know she sees it when the kids are visiting her place.

I have been following your thread as well. It is remarkable how not only our ages are so similar, but the things that your wife said/done and background (my wife's father left when she was 7 and she has a sister as well and her mom never dated either). Very bizzare.

Hopefully, like in your situation, my wife comes back home after 6 months. I'm not too hopeful though. In hindsight, if I had lost my job before she left, I don't think she would have left. She would have pushed the sell the house (which was what she was doing when I told her that I couldn't keep the house without her financial support). I had thought I could handle it for a couple of years, between my savings and my income, to at least wait out the divorce process while giving my boys some stability.

Not sure if that would have helped/hurt my situation, but as many people here remind me, I can't second guess the past. I can only live in the present and look forward to the future.

So thanks for all your support and insight. Keep your head up, sounds like you are doing the right things and keeping your head in the game. I believe in you and am counting on you to give me and others hope that a divorce can be busted!

Take care Stuck

[MrBond]

No you shouldn't have called her.

Dude you are in a real bad slump with the job loss whammy. I know what it's like. It's not helping much when your W is putting you even more down.

Next time your W even says the word "I still want..." hang up the phone. Don't even give her the time of day. Hang up, sigh (because you know she's not going to change right now), then go out and do something.

You don't have to do anything that costs money, but just "live".

These periods of adversity are the times that show how strong you really can be. It's the what doesn't kill you makes you stronger mentality.

I know you're hurting because right now you need the support of someone who cares for what you're going through. Right now it's not your W. I felt the same way when my W was indifferent towards my job. My W didn't even call me to ask if I still had my job. So when my grandmother went into her surgery and I felt down, I already knew I couldn't depend on my W. Just myself.

Stop and take a look at what you have right now. RIGHT NOW. Look what's right in front of you. You've got your brains, you've got two healthy kids and you've got the guts to be the man it takes to do what you have to do.

Have you ever seen the movie "Pursuit of Happyness"? That shows you what fathers can and will do.

You say your kids are watching you right now. When they grow up to become men themselves, what image do you want them to remember you by? The sullen, sulking dad, or the one who stood strong and fought for them. My Ds know what I am. What about you?

[confusedinpa]

Listen, she may care about you as a "friend" but that's it. And she's caring right now because this impacts HER- that's why. Won't that affect child support or alimony??

Cut her off when she starts the drama. You need to worry about you hon.

Kittyfish,

I don't even think she cares about me as a friend right now. She has told me that she cares about me only because I'm the father of the kids and since I have them 50% of the time, she doesn't want me to do anything stupid.

The irony about this situation now is that I had thought about calling my lawyer to file for spousal and child support from her! I thought that would really pour some salt on her. Maybe that would be what it would take to knock some sense into her or what. I've held off right now as I'm trying to just not do something strictly out of emotion.

Thanks for stopping by and offering your support. This jobloss has really made my situation seem even bleaker. But I do know that I've faced adversity in the past and I've found the strenght to make it through to be stronger. I did it back them for me. Now that I have 2 boys counting on me as well, I know I can't fail them!

Thanks for being here for me

[confusedinpa]

And I agree, if she brings up divorce while you've got this going on, ask her to have a heart right now and give you a break.

Aren't you making an assumption that WAW's have a heart?!?!?

On the serious side, last week I pressed her that I didn't feel like I was being treated fairly by her lawyer and felt like he was trying to take advantage of me/us. I had posted all the details earlier, but without making it too long, I told her that I want a copy of everything that her lawyer sends/files that related to this case. If she can't make that happen, I know that my lawyer "friend" can.

I'm trying to keep my cool on this one for now. Although it was hard tonite when my boys were saying prayers, they prayed that mommy would come home soon and that daddy would find a new job soon. It really touched me and I told them that I thought their prayers were very nice. I'm really upset that they are going to pay the ultimate price for this divorce.

I've heard all the "the kids will be fine" saying, and even my wife walks around professing it. My response is always, that they could be better.

I know I need to survive and thrive. For me and for my boys.

Thanks for all your encouragement.

[confusedinpa]

Confused, please take a step back. Re-read 23-29 in DR. Do not give in to your despair. Do not just give up because it hurts. Stand strong for your M and for your boys.

Learn to detach because every marriage needs you to stand on your own, even when you are together. We tend to lose ourselves in M and then we can only see the blend. You need to be strong and focused right now.

I haven't been here since way back on page 8 because I had things going on. I will read back.

I highly recommend you get a few fishing poles and take those boys fishing. Go to movies. Finger paint. Bake cookies. Take them to a park. Go swimming. Go to the beach. Go to festivals.

Let your boys tell their mother the details of what you do, not you.

I know you can do this.

The Wifey,

Thanks for your suggestion - I will re-read those sections. I do feel despair right now, but I know I can't give up. I actually contacted someone from my church small group and she suggested I join a men's group that meets on Monday nite as well as offering her prayers. It feels like that's all I got right now, is prayer and faith, but I do believe that is the most powerful thing to have in situations like this.

I do agree 100% with what you said about losing ourselves. A few of my friends post bomb had said that I need to be me, not figure out who my wife wants me to be. If me is not that person, it won't be real and won't work. Problem is that I haven't been me in such a long time, I don't know who me is. That's something that I've been trying to find for the last 4 months. There are times that I feel like I'm getting closer, but then anther bomb hits me (it was just divorce legal crap, but now the job thing). When the bomb hits me, I get lost again and lose grip of the pieces I had found. Although each time, it is quicker to regain the lost ground. So I guess that is something to be grateful for.

It's funny that you mention fishing, my boys had gotten fishing rods as presents 2 years ago, but I had never found time to taking them. I was always to busy with the job or projects around the house or things to the point I neglected the people around me (not just my wife). About 3 weeks ago, I was lamenting to one of my buddies about wanting to take them fishing, but didn't know how to get a fishing license. He said he was going to help me out, so I'm going to call him tomorrow and find out.

The boys and I have been do the other things already, movies, making a cake, park, etc as I've really been more focused on sharing experiences with them vs. just buying them things. I had used to take them to the park or bike riding a lot, but realized over the last year or two (prior to the bomb), most of the "special" time I spent with them involved going to the toy store or book store and letting them pick something out. I did use that time to also teach them about money, but it wasn't the relationship/bonding time we (father and sons) should have.

I appreciate you taking the time to catch up on my situation. This job loss bomb is a major distraction, but I still am trying to save my marriage.

Thanks for all your help

[confusedinpa]

I know you're hurting because right now you need the support of someone who cares for what you're going through. Right now it's not your W. I felt the same way when my W was indifferent towards my job. My W didn't even call me to ask if I still had my job. So when my grandmother went into her surgery and I felt down, I already knew I couldn't depend on my W. Just myself.

Stop and take a look at what you have right now. RIGHT NOW. Look what's right in front of you. You've got your brains, you've got two healthy kids and you've got the guts to be the man it takes to do what you have to do.

Have you ever seen the movie "Pursuit of Happyness"? That shows you what fathers can and will do.

You say your kids are watching you right now. When they grow up to become men themselves, what image do you want them to remember you by? The sullen, sulking dad, or the one who stood strong and fought for them. My Ds know what I am. What about you?

Stuck,

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. There are times when I am wallowing in my woo's that I forget that many other here are suffering as well.

I know I can't count on my wife for support. I've really used these past 5 months to reconnect with my family and close friends. I have been leaning on them pretty heavy and had started to back off a little, but know I'm back to heavy again.

I will look for that movie you suggested, I have been thinking about finding a nite where I take a break from dealing with this situation nor trying to find a job or tweaking my resume. It has been sooooo long since I've just taken a minute to breath and think. Even when I was at the gym or church, I was always processing my situation. I know I need to relax and unwind to recharge. I'm no good to anyone if I'm not 100%.

I need to count my blessing for the things I still have and not wallow on what I don't. Thanks for reminding me of that.

I know right now my boys need me to be stronger than ever. My cousin the other nite told me when her parents got divorced, she said the greatest pain she had to face/deal with was being scared for her parents. She said that she had a knot in her stomach and it took a long time for it to go away. I know the feeling as that's the knot that has been in my stomach since 1/9/09.

I want my boys to become men that are strong and resilient and never giving up and constantly raising the bar to move forward. I know that they will only be that way by seeing me be that man.

Thanks Stuck - for everything.

[Gardener]

Confused,

I know almost nothing about your sitch as I am still trying to get to know as many people, as many sitches as time will allow. But I just wanted to pop in after reading just a few recent posts to tell you that I was a recruiter for a number of years and if you need an ear or any advice about any aspect of job searching (resume, interview, planning, targeting...or recruiters), I'd be glad to answer/offer anything that may be of use, offline, personal email, whatever.

[confusedinpa]

Just some journaling

My 3 year old still has school for the rest of this week, but starting next week, he will be going just for 2 days/week (only way to make sure he has a spot in the fall). My 7 year old is home with me for the next 1.5 weeks as his first camp won't be till then (he'll be going 3 days/week) I didn't want him to miss out on everything because of my/our situation. So he will be going 3 days every other week. That will be a nice mix as they will each have one on one days with me as well as days where all 3 of us are together and I'll still have days where I have days for me (hopefully to interview). The only risk is if I have to schedule interviews, but then I'll just work out something with their camp/school or my mother in law or friends to watch them.

Great day overall with my with 7 year old. After we dropped off his brother at school, we went grocery shopping to pick up lunch and dinner for the next 2 days. Then we had breakfast at home (just cereal) where my 7 year old commented about how it has been such a long time since it was just the two of us with a day together. After we ate, I told him I had to take some time for a call (it was a recruiter to get her thoughts on tweaking my resume).

We then wound up reading and then playing video games before having lunch. Then we had to get ready to go to his brother's parent/teacher conference. I brought him along and had him sit nearby reading while I met with the 3 year old's teachers.

When we got home, we wound up playing baseball together. While I was making dinner, the boys played in their playroom. It was great to hear them laughing and giggling and having such a good time. I even turned off my Ipod so I can really hear them clearly.

We ate dinner and dessert. After bath, my 7 year old shared with me his "First Grade Memory" book that his class made. He read me the poem and science story her wrote. I told him how proud I was with how far he had come in school.

Then my 3 year old went over his portfolio that showed his progress and things/experiences he had throughout the year. That was also great the way he was able to tell stories for each of the pictures and crafts that he had made.

It was a great evening (even with my struggle with trying to get the kids to call their mom - I gave up trying to get them to call). They went to bed right away when it was time.

So, aside from my job loss and my wife had filed for divorce and left, life is just GREAT!

[confusedinpa]

Confused,

I know almost nothing about your sitch as I am still trying to get to know as many people, as many sitches as time will allow. But I just wanted to pop in after reading just a few recent posts to tell you that I was a recruiter for a number of years and if you need an ear or any advice about any aspect of job searching (resume, interview, planning, targeting...or recruiters), I'd be glad to answer/offer anything that may be of use, offline, personal email, whatever.

Gardener,

I am real sorry that you are here, but I do appreciate your offer of help. It would be great if we can figure out how to connect offline/via personal email.

Does you or anyone know how to send a private message to another person?

Thanks I appreciate the offer.

[Gardener]

I don't Know how. The Send a PM thingy says it's disabled...

Anyone?