WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

It was really apparent when I picked up my 7 year old and the first thing he asked was if I had found a job. I told him no, but it will take some time and I am working on it. He said that if I needed any money I should let him know. I thanked him and told him that I'm fine for now but do appreciate his offer.

Man that brought a tear to my eye your raising good kids...

Volleydog,

Thanks - I know my boys are great. That's the hardest part of my situation. Between the WAW bomb and now my job, everytime I turn around I see things are being taken away from them. They do know that they will always have my undying love and commitment and support for them. I pray that will be enough because right now that is all I have.

Thanks again for the support and encouragement

[confusedinpa]

did she really call and complain about HER JOB?????

She called to see how I was doing and I would always ask how she was doing. That's when she would complain about her job.

It's still clear to me that my job loss is not helping my situation with her either, rather it may actually cement the path that we are on. I wouldn't want her to come back just because I lost my job, but I think she is using it as an affirmation that leaving me was a right decision since I can't even keep a job that I focused all my energy/time/attention on ahead of her. Perhaps she is taking this as justice. Only she and God knows.

Right now I'm focusing all my energy on finding a job to hopefully save the only home that my boys have known. I have prepped them that it will not matter where we live nor the size of the house. I will always love them and I will always be their dad.

Gotta keep on keeping on....

[stillloveshim]

Alright Confused: This is me smacking YOU!!!!!
You are over thinking all of this.
Hit the pavement, like you have been. Talk to recruiters, send out resumes, do the whole thing. You can control this part of your life to a great extent. Fight for it!
Keep this situation separated from the other. They are not one in the same.

[confusedinpa]

Alright Confused: This is me smacking YOU!!!!!
You are over thinking all of this.
Hit the pavement, like you have been. Talk to recruiters, send out resumes, do the whole thing. You can control this part of your life to a great extent. Fight for it!
Keep this situation separated from the other. They are not one in the same.

I am trying to keep them seperate, but since the job loss, my wife has reminded me each day that this does not change the fact that she wants a divorce. Each time, I told her that I didn't expect it to. If she continues it, I will just tell her that I know so just drop it.

When I was visiting with some friends yesterday, I had told them that while losing my job sucks (first time it has ever happened), it's not as devastating as the divorce bomb, as in the job case, I do know what to do. Where as I have no idea what to do about my wife.

So I have been keep on keeping on relative to the job.

I have been talking with recruiters and searching the job boards. I just got off the call with one recruiter who had some suggestions on my resume so I'm going to make those tweaks so I can get them out there. It doesn't sound too encouraging, but from a cash flow situation, I have some time (about 6 months) before I'm in serious trouble). Hopefully that will be enough time.

Thanks for smacking my head straight!

[stillloveshim]

Recently things have changed in a good direction for situation.
I have to believe a lot of it has to do with the fact I finally stood up for me and my son and made some decisions for us....and not really considering H much while making these choices. Every time there's been positive changes for me and H, it's been after I took the bull by the horns and started to really make changes and decisions for me....with out much thought for him. And frankly, I don't feel like he's thought about me much either, so I have no bad feelings about this.

I've made it very clear, I'm leaving when we divorce. I'm not sticking around for the gossip storm that will be hitting soon after we make it official, as it's actually already started. H and I have pretty high profile jobs....so it will be a nice little piece of gossip mixed with facts to keep everyone's jaws yapping.

I told him we can put in the divorce settlement I will return with our son after a specific time frame, about a year or so. He's agreeable to this but not really happy about our Son leaving this town at all, but he's being ok about it which I appreciate.

H said a couple of weeks ago he would try a marriage program with me then some people got in his ear...."She can't force you to stay married, she can't force you to work on it, etc" so he says he does NOT want to do the program. He has a distant female cousin who found him on facebook that he's never met but has started to confide in because the old OW doesn't give him the time of day anymore. And I know this cousin has been talking crap about me despite NEVER meeting me.....remember her, we'll get back to her in a second. (My life is soooo drama)

Which brings us to the most recent strange turn of events.
I met with a lawyer yesterday after H and I went in for our dentist appointment.
Before going to the dentist H and I talked about a few things...including the fact he is now willing to give the marriage program a try....???? WTH?????

I am still 99% sure of divorce for us, but I was surprised.
He did sign a new lease for a place in town that is furnished and it's month to month which is what I asked him to look for so if or more likely when I leave for Virginia, he won't be paying a lot of money to break a lease.

We are going to start week two next week for the marriage program and have agreed to not talk about anything else for the rest of this week.

He is going to start moving his clothes to his new place this weekend when he gets the keys on Friday.

I have absolutely no idea why the change of heart as it relates to the program--I have my theories, but we'll see what happens. I decided to not even ask him why he wants to try it now. But I'm really not holding my breathe. I'm not even sure what I want anymore but I did make a pretty big stink about doing the program so I have to now and I want to, so that's good. My true hope is that we'll at least be able to figure some things out about ourselves and get along better. That's the most important thing for Son.

I am going to continue to move forward with moving back to Virginia.

Why the change of herat with him....???? My theories are this, as to why he's now willing to try the program again: The facebook cousin.....she sent me a message on the 10th telling me I need to let it go and some other details about my relationship with H which he has no right to be talking about with really a stranger. I showed him the message the other night. He was in complete disbelief as I pulled it up and he read it. Then I got a sincere apology about it and I said "you want to make me out to be crazy, but since all this crap started this is not the first time something like this has happened.....PLEASE stop talking about our relationship with people until you are positive THEY aren't crazy." He again apologized for it and to the best of my knowledge has stopped talking to her. But even if he hasn't, I don't really care. She cooked her own goose. I know he was shocked and probably even appalled. I could see it on his face when he was reading the message.

I also let his parents in on somethings when they started in on me about giving up and "You both have been unhappy for the last several years......" What? Who told you that? I let them in on some info, such as I was pregnant and miscarried in September....not only was I pregnant, we were TRYING!!! Why would I think our marriage was in trouble when we were trying to have a second child AND trying to buy a new house????? They looked shocked....it's ugly to admit it, but I felt some satisfaction over this development. So I think his parents may have said "Alright, maybe give this program a try....." now that they know a little more.

And finally, I think his lawyer as confirmed to him what my lawyer has told me: If I contest the divorce on the grounds we never sought professional help, the judge will side with me and force him into counseling.....because of our three year old son. Will it work, forcing someone to see a therapist? Probably not, but if one parent is asking for it, the judge most likely is going to grant it for the sake of the child. I think this because H asked me "If I do this program will this be 'professional help' you keep wanting?" I said yes.

So here we are.

Keep fighting. You never know Confused. You just never know. And my lawyer mentioned something else yesterday.....he keeps numbers and stats....he says just less than 40% of his clients reconcil with their spouses during the divorce process.

Walk with me. Let's keep fighting. It might not end well, but at least we'll look our kids in their eyes and tell them "when it was over, I had bloody hands and no teeth left because I fought this tooth and nail....." And we'll be telling the truth.

[MrBond]

"my wife has reminded me each day that this does not change the fact that she wants a divorce. Each time, I told her that I didn't expect it to. If she continues it, I will just tell her that I know so just drop it."

Are you frickin' kidding me? Why are you letting her beat you up on this while you're down? SHE DOESN'T MATTER! I don't know why you keep setting yourself up for this. Before she even gets into the D subject, tell her "look I got more problems to worry about than your drama and insincere concern, so I'm leaving now. Goodbye." In fact, don't even answer her calls.

Just like that.

You are about to lose everything you've worked for and your W doesn't care squat about you. Don't argue that "she does care". If she REALLY did, she wouldn't keep rubbing your nose into the D. Stop letting her run your life. Even S you are letting her pull your strings. Cut them off and let it go.

[Kittyfish]

"my wife has reminded me each day that this does not change the fact that she wants a divorce. Each time, I told her that I didn't expect it to. If she continues it, I will just tell her that I know so just drop it."

Are you frickin' kidding me? Why are you letting her beat you up on this while you're down? SHE DOESN'T MATTER! I don't know why you keep setting yourself up for this. Before she even gets into the D subject, tell her "look I got more problems to worry about than your drama and insincere concern, so I'm leaving now. Goodbye." In fact, don't even answer her calls.

Just like that.

You are about to lose everything you've worked for and your W doesn't care squat about you. Don't argue that "she does care". If she REALLY did, she wouldn't keep rubbing your nose into the D. Stop letting her run your life. Even S you are letting her pull your strings. Cut them off and let it go.

I agree with stuck!

Listen, she may care about you as a "friend" but that's it. And she's caring right now because this impacts HER- that's why. Won't that affect child support or alimony??

Cut her off when she starts the drama. You need to worry about you hon.

[stillloveshim]

Hey confused
Keep your chin up.
Make some decisions.
Take the ball out of her hands and you play your game, the way you want to.
If she wants the divorce tell her she can do all the work for it. But make it clear you want to be up to date about what's going on....no secret crap. Make it clear it's not what you want but you deserve to know what's going on. Make sure she's a woman about all of this.
And I agree, if she brings up divorce while you've got this going on, ask her to have a heart right now and give you a break. You've got some more pressing immediate matters at hand.
Keep your cool.

[The Wifey]

Confused, please take a step back. Re-read 23-29 in DR. Do not give in to your despair. Do not just give up because it hurts. Stand strong for your M and for your boys.

Learn to detach because every marriage needs you to stand on your own, even when you are together. We tend to lose ourselves in M and then we can only see the blend. You need to be strong and focused right now.

I haven't been here since way back on page 8 because I had things going on. I will read back.

I highly recommend you get a few fishing poles and take those boys fishing. Go to movies. Finger paint. Bake cookies. Take them to a park. Go swimming. Go to the beach. Go to festivals.

Let your boys tell their mother the details of what you do, not you.

I know you can do this.

[confusedinpa]

Walk with me. Let's keep fighting. It might not end well, but at least we'll look our kids in their eyes and tell them "when it was over, I had bloody hands and no teeth left because I fought this tooth and nail....." And we'll be telling the truth.

Stilloveshim,

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm glad that you are starting to see a glimmer of light. I have been getting really down of late (before the job bomb) as it didn't seem like anyone was getting anywhere through all their attempts.

I've had a handful of folks who have been consistent supporters/followers of my thread which I can not find the words to thank or show my appreciation.

I do agree 100% with your statement of being able to tell the kids when this is over that I gave it my all. My wife had even mentioned this week, when she was reminding me that she still wanted a divorce and this job loss doesn't change anything, that she knows that she will look like the "bad guy" out of all this since she is the one who left.

She says that the kids aren't going to understand right now how I made her feel by neglecting her. When she started down that path, I just shook my head and didn't say a word in response. I didn't feel like it merited a response as I think deep down inside she knows she is fooling herself. So I decided to take the high road where you don't argue with someone who doesn't have a point worth arguing about.

I forget how I ended that call, but I know I did end the call shortly after that.

I had a real struggle with my boys tonite though. She hadn't talked to them since Tuesday nite when she called. She didn't call last nite to talk to the boys, and when I responded to her text at 9:30 PM, she was already asleep since she still wasn't feeling well). She didn't call tonite and I asked the boys if they wanted to talk to mommy. Both said no. I waited about 10 minutes and asked them again. Both were very insistent with their no and the 7 year old seemed like he was going to get upset if I pressed the issue.

I feel like I should have them call her, but they didn't want to. I know she has told me that she thinks the parent with the kids should do the calling (although a couple of times I wound up calling since it was getting past the time they normally go to sleep). What are your thoughts? Should I have called her anyway to let the kids talk to her? A few weeks ago, she had even thanked me for having the kids call her when I had them (after she complained that I never had them call, where I then said that she can call them anytime like I do when she doesn't call).

So should I have made the kids call her?