Everyone needs downtime after the news delivered. The focus is the kids, keeping the boat on an even keel for the most precious passengers.
At some point, 'Gotta GAL' becomes part of living. Anxiety and fear evolve to focus and goals. What was inconceivable transforms to a whole new way of thinking, viewing and embracing life. How to become the person you're meant to be.
Choices.
You have been incredible through this whole process, from keeping DB cheat sheets initially to being mojolicious.
And here's the rub.. because my impression goes against popular opinion.
Let her go.
Only she can decide to come back.
You've provided caring and warmth, acceptance, been phenomenal. But can you save her? Is that what's she's looking for? It's still all about her.. her fears of not being attractive enough for future partners, of being alone, of 'are you willing to be in my back pocket and what will I do if you aren't'? She may be looking at the big picture, or the little picture.. but she'll get the real picture. Her happiness is hers to own.
You know her best.. that she's a wonderful person with a good heart who's struggling and in a lot of pain, doing what she feels is the right thing even though she feels like crap doing it.
Let her experience the consequences of her decision. Your exemplary actions speak volumes.. over a loudspeaker.. with simultaneous translations in twelve different languages. If you 'carry' her she may never find her way back to you. Choices.
Returning the ring with sentimental value.. "Let me go." "I'm leaving." or "Look at what a brave little toaster I am, do something".
She's scantily clad in bed and pulls the sheets around her.. "You're in my space." "I'm not comfortable." "I'm vulnerable."
It hurts, it sucks, along with being unfair to the innocent children you brought into the world.
Let her feel, let her chose to come to you for support or not.
It doesn't mean you don't love her, that you're walking away from the marriage... it's respecting her wishes, that go counter to your goal. She can and will fall. Without your safety net, she'll learn how to get up. And appreciate what's missing or walk away.
A kick in the pants is a big eye opener and wake up call.. for both parties.
I'm doing this right now (at least that's what I think I'm doing) and I can say it's going to hurt for both but I don't know any other way around it.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
It's strange. All anyone can do is try to the best of their ability. Accepting responsibility for their part in the deterioration of the relationship. Letting go of guilt and fear. Remembering that perfect love casts out fear. Becoming the person they're meant to be. Not whacking the divorcing/separating/leaving spouse. Offer 'treats'.. the positive changes, listening skills, hearing rather than reacting to what is said for better or worse.
And.. allowing the emotionally withdrawn spouse to initiate, to ask for what they need, not trying to fix them or fix things for them. Allowing growth with oneself.. and for the one you pledged your life during one of the most painful times in life.
*hugs*
Oops.. and being grateful for all the gifts in life, not what is feared lost.
Everyone needs downtime after the news delivered. The focus is the kids, keeping the boat on an even keel for the most precious passengers.
At some point, 'Gotta GAL' becomes part of living. Anxiety and fear evolve to focus and goals. What was inconceivable transforms to a whole new way of thinking, viewing and embracing life. How to become the person you're meant to be.
Choices.
You have been incredible through this whole process, from keeping DB cheat sheets initially to being mojolicious.
And here's the rub.. because my impression goes against popular opinion.
Let her go.
Only she can decide to come back.
You've provided caring and warmth, acceptance, been phenomenal. But can you save her? Is that what's she's looking for? It's still all about her.. her fears of not being attractive enough for future partners, of being alone, of 'are you willing to be in my back pocket and what will I do if you aren't'? She may be looking at the big picture, or the little picture.. but she'll get the real picture. Her happiness is hers to own.
You know her best.. that she's a wonderful person with a good heart who's struggling and in a lot of pain, doing what she feels is the right thing even though she feels like crap doing it.
Let her experience the consequences of her decision. Your exemplary actions speak volumes.. over a loudspeaker.. with simultaneous translations in twelve different languages. If you 'carry' her she may never find her way back to you. Choices.
Returning the ring with sentimental value.. "Let me go." "I'm leaving." or "Look at what a brave little toaster I am, do something".
She's scantily clad in bed and pulls the sheets around her.. "You're in my space." "I'm not comfortable." "I'm vulnerable."
It hurts, it sucks, along with being unfair to the innocent children you brought into the world.
Let her feel, let her chose to come to you for support or not.
It doesn't mean you don't love her, that you're walking away from the marriage... it's respecting her wishes, that go counter to your goal. She can and will fall. Without your safety net, she'll learn how to get up. And appreciate what's missing or walk away.
A kick in the pants is a big eye opener and wake up call.. for both parties.
And here's the rub.. because my impression goes against popular opinion.
Let her go.
Only she can decide to come back.
I am in total agreement. And a lot of people on Team Person in the Alt (AKA, the Real World) actually want that quote cut off at the period following "go" -- they don't want her to decide to come back because her attitude has been so single-mindedly on herself.
I'm not rendering that judgment, because I'm recusing myself from Judgmentaldom. I do understand that they're saying, "You're too good for her."
Welllllll, I don't buy into this "good" for a person thing, but I appreciate their basic point: You're acting more nobly than she is, says they, so why should she reap the benefit?
That's actually not a bad question in a sense. I was having this convo with a tennis partner t'other day -- "Would you really take her back?" asks he, rather incredulously.
And you know what, Gypsy? Between you and me and the Internet -- I'm not sure the answer is "yes." For the kids' sake? Absolutely. But for mine? I really just don't know anymore.
For one -- and this is something I see over at the Piecing threads, and is something @Puppy Dog Tails talks about a lot vis-a-vis affairs -- there's the "what's to keep you from doing it again" angle.
For another -- and I've referred to it above -- there's the whole Self-Awareness issue: What if, in fact, WAW is not (and perhaps never was) "the one"? What if there's a kind of inevitability being played out here?
Big questions, to be sure, and certainly not ones I'm going to front-load any answers to, but they strike me as emblematic of "progress" in a way -- one goes from "What do I do now?" to "What do I do next?" as the days wear into weeks wear into months and the DB'ing proceeds accordingly.
Quote:
Returning the ring with sentimental value.. "Let me go." "I'm leaving." or "Look at what a brave little toaster I am, do something".
I'm going to give her props on this one. That was, I think, actually just a nice thing to do. I mean, it was my father's fraternity pin (him, like Mistah Kurtz, dead), and is one of the very few artifacts I had / have of him. That act was for me, I suspect, and not for her.
Quote:
Let her experience the consequences of her decision.
So important. Sooooo important! This was one of the earliest lessons I had from @Greek, in fact, and was really key in moving me from Stage 1 to Stage WherevereitisIamnow. When we say "it's all about WAS," we have to really mean "all." WAS has to be allowed to own it, good and bad. As I've said before (again courtesy of @Greek and @DanceQueen and you), LBS tends to underestimate (or not even consider) the fact that WAS is going through his/her own process, and that it might not -- though in a perverse way LBS wants it to -- be all good, sunshine, and roses. Just look at WAW -- I can see on her Totally Not Poker-Face Face just how pained she is.
One of the frustrations, I think, that @BTB, @Gardener, @pollyanna, and @aliveandkicking have in their sitch's is that their WAS's don't "seem" to be experiencing any negatives in that "all" that is "all about them." (Though @alive recently opened up a can of Mojo on her H who suddenly seems not to be so cool after all.... And bully for her!)
Quote:
It doesn't mean you don't love her, that you're walking away from the marriage... it's respecting her wishes, that go counter to your goal.
It's so funny that you wrote this, because I had JUST said the same thing to one of our colleagues -- who shall remain nameless -- in the Alt. He said that, by detaching he felt like he was becoming the Walkaway and abandoning his kids (to WAW's whims), to which I replied:
Quote:
in more than one sense the LBS does become a Walkaway. Even if the LBS is "true" to the vows and fighting for the marriage and etc. and et al., the LBS is still Walking Away -- at a minimum, walking away from a situation, from her/his own past self, and so on.
I went through the abandoning the kids thing, too. "If I walk, then I'm no better than her!" But I reframed that. She's walking away -- I'm walking towards. And ultimately I decided I was saving them by saving myself.
Great thoughts and comments, Gypsy. As you can see, you've been influential.
I'm not rendering that judgment, because I'm recusing myself from Judgmentaldom. I do understand that they're saying, "You're too good for her."
Welllllll, I don't buy into this "good" for a person thing, but I appreciate their basic point: You're acting more nobly than she is, says they, so why should she reap the benefit?
It's something you're doing for yourself, isn't it? A step by step learning process for you based on what is important.
Quote:
"Would you really take her back?" asks he, rather incredulously.
And you know what, Gypsy? Between you and me and the Internet -- I'm not sure the answer is "yes." For the kids' sake? Absolutely. But for mine? I really just don't know anymore.
The marriage you had is dead, gone, kaput. She was in enough pain, felt enough frustration and helplessness in it that she took the action that worked for her. And she has been consistent on leaving. Perhaps hoping for something more once she's out of the house, but only after she's gone.
Having children, like having inside connections when looking for a job, allows the door to be opened. But the rest comes from the individual, two in this case. Only a 'new' relationship would work with a person you've cherished, who you felt betrayed you. And this applies to BOTH parties. So trust is rebuilt one straw at a time if each and God are willing.
Quote:
"what's to keep you from doing it again" angle.
Once again, what's to keep one from straying, what's to keep another from withdrawing. It all evolves from a loss, from fear. And it is solved by laughter, by being together, by ripping away the crap of the past and starting anew.
C'mon, how many soldiers survive, or folks move forward if they're always looking backward?
It's dual accountability, a leap of faith forward, being committed to sharing what scares the poopies out of you, to listening.
Quote:
What if, in fact, WAW is not (and perhaps never was) "the one"? What if there's a kind of inevitability being played out here?
We all are multifaceted diamonds. Each love is unique. Each love reveals another aspect. True love is not limited to one person and one person alone.
Yet with marriage each focuses on the radiance they bring another and builds on that foundation. The couple weathers the bad, exults the good and grows together. Love evolves to a deep abiding expanse that respects the flaws of another and exponentially grows what is the best. You work together, not separately.
What is lost in divorce is the shared experiences of the children, of coping with life's sorrows along with the family, along with the time it takes to mature a relationship.
Divorce/separation happens when something breaks, has been 'broken' for quite a while. Rarely is it impulsive. It reeks of desperation.
Quote:
I'm going to give her props (on returning the ring) on this one. That was, I think, actually just a nice thing to do. I mean, it was my father's fraternity pin (him, like Mistah Kurtz, dead), and is one of the very few artifacts I had / have of him. That act was for me, I suspect, and not for her.
Absolutely a caring gesture but one that speaks of endings.
Quote:
Just look at WAW -- I can see on her Totally Not Poker-Face Face just how pained she is.
That ain't nothing, baby. Wait until she's a single parent with her work schedule, 'alone', paying support and legal fees. Let's not forget the rollercoaster of emotions, too.
As terrifying as the proclamation to end the marriage was, you've spent days, weeks, months learning how to cope, improving oh so many skills.
And now, Smiley Friend.. it's time for me to be the momma.
One of the frustrations, I think, that @BTB, @Gardener, @pollyanna, and @aliveandkicking have in their sitch's is that their WAS's don't "seem" to be experiencing any negatives in that "all" that is "all about them." (Though @alive recently opened up a can of Mojo on her H who suddenly seems not to be so cool after all.... And bully for her!)
Tangent Alert-
To my fellow sufferers of apparent disadvantage and disproportionate loss...the key is looking at your position within your own paradigm. If I am driving a beat up clunker, working at CVS and honoring myself and my kids, I am STILL better off than H based on what I care about. So, with that as my starting point, the only way to go it is up...and yes, opening up a can of mojo helps because you are changing the dynamic. Doesn't mean they'll feel the loss any more or less but it does reinforce that no other person can define your life's meaning for you.
Thinking of all of those who have suffered the worst indignities and injustices to emerge not just intact but exceptional human beings. And I don't mean to compare us because in the bigger scheme we are dealing with small potatoes here...but, it is good to know what is possible.
What if, in fact, WAW is not (and perhaps never was) "the one"?
Here's some genius writing- "the one" is the one who you choose to be "the one" and who chooses to be "the one" back and I think that's the whole unromantic kit and kaboodle.
Quote:
What if there's a kind of inevitability being played out here?
Oh ya, it was inevitable. Just went on a whole rant about whatever happened is what needed to happen...but, as in Schnarch's book, what is the end-point of the inevitable? Is it R and an improved M? Is it D? Is it D and then R? Is it D and then re-M and then D again? There are folks who D and remarry 30 years later and I'm sure they would say it was inevitable.
You aren't going to be able to wrap this up until you're an old man and looking back..."huh, that was inevitable."
I'm bonkers today.
Maybe try to "chill" as you intuited you need to particularly on trying to formulate what is happening here. You are too disciplined for that. It's kids stuff.
AAK -you are bonkers because you are experiencing changes in yourself and it is unsettling. Use your leverage and choose to be the one.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
