WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

I really do appreciate all the encouragement and support that everyone has offered. I really don't know what I would have done without this site from the first bomb and its good to know that there are people who are there for me even through this bomb.

My wife called me a number of times today to see how I was doing. No discussion on the divorce or stuff, but just to see how I was doing. She is still sick so she said that I should just keep the kids all week. Which is fine by me anyway.

Once I dropped the kids off at school, I did update my resume and called a few recruiters to get them working for me. I searched the internet job boards and fired off some applications. I also called a few of my friends to start networking.

Part of my job issue is the location - I really want to stay around here for the boys. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of need for Operations VP in this area. While the pay was great, I never did enjoy the job - just too much BS. So maybe this is a time to revisit my career path. Either way, I'm hitting the "pavement"

I did pick up my 7 year old early from school so that we can play basketball together (hard to do when his little brother is around). He really enjoyed that. We went to pick up his little brother together and when we got home, we played baseball. It was a really good afternoon.

The boys did great until it was time to go to bed. My 7 year old came back down crying and asking when mommy was coming home. I told him that we are still working on some grown up stuff but no matter what we will always love them. Of course the 3 year old came down with him. I tucked them back into bed and then they came back down a few minutes later to get extra hugs. I could see the 7 year old was still really upset, so I told them that they could sleep in my room tonite. I told them that I still had to take care of a few things before I went to bed.

I did talk to my wife (she had called earlier but I missed the call). She asked how I was and then started telling me about how she was doing. Then we started to talk about what we could do to try and cut back on expenses to stretch things out till I get a job. I almost said moving back in would really help, but deep down inside, I don't want her to move back in for this reason. So we bounced things back and forth and then she said that she told her lawyer to stop doing anything else with child support or financial related to the divorce. She told me that she still wants a divorce as she still doesn't trust me with her feelings, but does want us to be able to work together to get us through this.

Fortunately, my 3 year old got up again so I got off the phone.

So I'm not sure if this is the pause I need in the divorce process to try and reconnect with my wife or what.

I do think it's odd of how she is reacting. I'm curious to hear from other WAW if there LBS had lost their job, would they have cared or what they would have done.

[stillloveshim]

Sometimes there are blessings in disguise....do what you can to handle the job crap with a calm head....that's such a turn on when men are confident and not worried about such things....as if not only do they know they are going to land on their feet, they act as if they already have.
Very sexy.
Just keep moving forward.
Stop her from talking about the divorce etc as much as possible, but I guess really, you did have to discuss that stuff last night. I agree that it was stuff you needed to know.
Maybe she's having second thoughts.....maybe she's sort of relieved and can use this as an excuse to slow things down...???

[confusedinpa]

Thanks for the support and optimism.

I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude - surprisingly how much easier it is to be positive about the job loss than the divorce bomb. Not sure if it's been the practice I've put in over the last 5 months or what.

I am a little disheartened today as I was expecting some responses to my resume applications, but I know that is too much to ask for.

I also got a call from my wife to let me know that she was able to get her work discount for the cell phone I had to get on Monday. I thanked her for it and then she asked what I wanted to do about Sunday. We have tickets to a baseball game for Father's day. We had bought them about a week before she moved out.

She asked if I wanted her to go or did I want to ask her dad or whatever. I told her that I was still planning on all of us going. She then asked if how we want to handle Sunday as normally she picks them up in the morning. I told her that I hadn't given it any thought, but my initial reaction would be for her to come over so we could have lunch before we left. We had a bad cell connection so I asked her to think about it and we can talk again when we have a better connection.

I do agree with you suggestion of not talking about the divorce as much as possible. I was actually going to call up my lawyer to see if it's just a legal ploy on her part to delay any further proceedings until we got past this latest bomb. But, decided against it as it really doesn't change what I'm doing.

I do appreciate the surprisingly high level of concern from my wife. I think she is worried about this pushing me into a depression where I'd do something stupid. I had said some irrational things the nite that she hit me with the bomb. In hindsight, I think that really made things worse for me.

I am approaching this job loss as an opportunity to change the direction of my career and get something that is more relaxing or makes me happy. Of course, I need to find out what that is.

I had talked to a recruiter that I had used before. She and I had really spent a lot of time chatting several years ago as she was trying to place me in my most recent position. I told her not only of my job situation, but my personal situation. I hadn't talked to her in over 2 years, but she really surprised me of how much she remembered about me. She also offered a lot of insight to my personal situation (she has had 2 failed marriages before the one that she's in now that is really thriving). Only downside talking with her was that it used up almost 120 minutes of my cell phone plan. But it was worth it as she gave me a lot to think about, from a personal level as well as carreer wise. She's going to review my resume and see what she can do for me job wise as well.

Onward and upward!

[stillloveshim]

Just relax, enjoy this time off because it really wont' last long. Get ready for Father's Day and be selfish....it's your day and you've earned it. Make them pamper you!

[confusedinpa]

Stillloveshim,

Thanks again for keeping positive focused. I will definitely keep your suggestion in mind for Sunday!

I wound up sending out just 1 resume today (not too much new from yesterday's barrage I sent out).

I do have a call this evening setup to talk to a recruiter that I responded to a job posting. Big downside is he is out in CA. Figure I would cross that bridge when I get there.

I did also get a call back from the recruiter that had placed me in my most recent role, she wanted to chat about tweaks to my resume, but I was in route to pick up my boys so I couldn't talk, so I have a 9:30 AM call with her tomorrow.

I wound up visiting a couple of my friends this afternoon (the retired couple that both came from a prior divorce relationship). They had actually tried to stop by on Monday when my wife told them of my job loss, but I was out with my wife getting a cell phone. I chatted with them briefly, but thought it would be good to just visit them.

They were very supportive and tried to keep me upbeat. I told them I wasn't that bad as I know what I need to do relative to finding a job. I was a wreck from my wife's divorce bomb because I had no idea what I should do so I know I made a lot of mistakes. I did tell them how I was also considering looking at some business ventures at the same time of looking for a job. They seemed interested on one of my ideas in particular so who knows, maybe this could be a really good opportunity. Of course you need to be careful going into business with friends.

My wife called me a couple of times today, mostly to see how I was doing, but also to complain about how crazy it was at work and how she still wasn't feeling well.

I did manage to work out a reduction for my boys summer camp/day care as I can have them with me most of the time. I wanted to keep them in at least partially so that they won't be bored and so that I won't feel like they are missing out on things because of my job loss. Overall I think it's about a $700/month reduction. Nothing huge, but every little bit counts.

I guess that is a positive, that I will be spending a lot of time with my boys this summer.

I tried to keep my wife very involved in what I was doing to cut cost as that is something I had never engaged her in (one of her many complaints - how I cut her out of managing the family finances). I just hope that she sees that I really have changed in how I am approaching life/issues.

I know I lost what little respect she had for me when I fell apart after she dropped the divorce bomb on me. One of the things she had always thought would be that I was her rock that she could count on. I think it was part of her father leaving issues.

Nevertheless, she has said that she still doesn't trust me with her feelings and has reminded me that she still wants a divorce. I got a letter from her lawyer today that outlined our custody agreement in legal mumbo jumbo (I noticed that it left out the right of first refusal clause). I was going to call her about it, but just sent it to my lawyer to get his thoughts. Figure I would just mark it up and send it back to her lawyer rather than talk to her about it. Or should I talk to her about it?

I did talk to her tonite as she sent me a text. She was sleeping (still not feeling well) so she just told me about her day and how she was feeling. I listened and tried to "show her" that I listened. Then I told her that I knew she was tired and would let her go before she woke up too much.

So now, I'm prepping for my call with the recruiter at 11:00 PM.

So goes another day....

[MrBond]

I have to wonder, is there ever a day that your W doesn't have drama? Sounds like she has to call you just to complain about her problems. Excuse me? You are the one who lost his job. Did she think she could "cheer" you up be telling you her problems?

Unbelievable.

Honestly, the next time she calls to complain again, don't even answer. You've been way too accessible to her. Concentrate on yourself buddy.

Hang in there.

[confusedinpa]

Concentrate on yourself buddy.

Hang in there.

Thanks Stuck.

I'm trying to hang in there as well as follow Kittyfish's comment that my kids are being exposed to way too much grown up stuff.

It was really apparent when I picked up my 7 year old and the first thing he asked was if I had found a job. I told him no, but it will take some time and I am working on it. He said that if I needed any money I should let him know. I thanked him and told him that I'm fine for now but do appreciate his offer.

When I tucked my kids to bed tonite, my 3 year old if my old job found any more money yet so I can go back to work. I just told him that they haven't and I'm not waiting for that. I'm looking for some place else to work and that we will be fine.

Both of my boys know that money does not grow on trees as they have been brought up to be careful with money. I make them save their present money for their big ticket items (i.e. bike, video games, etc) and I give them each a fixed amount when we go to the book store so they can't just buy random books (the sales tax usually messes them up, but I do help them out when it comes to that).

Thanks again for all your support. Maybe I'll make it out to Hawaii someday to buy you a beer or two.

Take care

[confusedinpa]

Well the call with the recruiter was a real bummer. I appreciated how honest he was, but it was still a bummer.

I had thought a "hurdle" I would have to clear for jobs would be that my background may be more that what they were looking for. I was really caught off guard when he said that a $100 Million Global Operation was too small as the firm he was recruiting for was a $2.5 Billion Operation.

ACK!!!!

I guess I should just take it as a warm up phone screen. The recruiter did give me some feedback to tweak my resume, although he said overall he thought it presented well. He did say that I should be prepared for a 6-9 month search, at least.

So I'm back to - THIS SUCKS!

BTW, I'm still curious to hear from WAWs if there LBS had lost their job, would you have reacted like my wife (calling my friends and relatives)?

[volleydog]

I gotta agree with Stuck I can't believe your W is calling you complaining about work...You need to cut that out for your own good.

It was really apparent when I picked up my 7 year old and the first thing he asked was if I had found a job. I told him no, but it will take some time and I am working on it. He said that if I needed any money I should let him know. I thanked him and told him that I'm fine for now but do appreciate his offer.

Man that brought a tear to my eye your raising good kids...

[stillloveshim]

did she really call and complain about HER JOB????? All you can do is shake your head at that one and realize she's sort of out of her mind right now....as all of our spouses surely are!
Hang in there, this is still a blessing in disguise.....relax. Enjoy and just hit the pavement.