Yep - I know exactly where Rt. 610 is! Thanks for checking on me. It motivated me to give an update on the coaching call I had w/Laurie yesterday. We discussed the MC session which took place 6/9:
We chat a bit & mc asks if I said anything in the past 2 wks that has offended him. He said no. Mc says how did that feel? H says I didn't really notice bc I've disconnected. Nothing has changed with regard to my feelings for her. Mc asked h to look me in the eye & say that. Looks at me & says my feelings just aren't there for you, sorry.
At the end I say I would like to ask you something. When you said you weren't feeling anything for me, do u want to? Are you trying to? H says to b honest, no.
Laurie said she doesn't know anyone else in this scenario that would have said anything different. If he would have said yes to even wanting to have feelings for me, me & MC would have jumped all over that glimmer of hope & he's not ready to commit to that yet.
I say then why are we here? H says bc I didn't want to leave any stone unturned & I don't think I have.
Laurie said this was my glimmer of hope.
1. mc asks if I said anything in the past 2 wks that has offended him. He said no.
2. I said my dream is still that our m will survive & that our kids will have a family. In the meantime I am becoming the best me I can be for wherever this life takes me. I realize I am the only one that can make me happy.
H says she finally gets it - she's a strong person & no matter how things end up, we will all survive. I say survive implies just getting by. And I'm not okay with that.
Laurie said even though H was not being positive #1, he was AT LEAST still acknowledging changes which is a good thing. #2 - she said as much as I don't care for H's interpretation of what I said, he is seeing something different. I have taken even more guilt & pressure off of him by being strong & showing him I can make it on my own.
I said well even with you being more assertive, you still don't have any complaints about me so I think our worlds can coexist.
Laurie said it would have been better to say something like - I realize we have only had around 2 good weeks together where I haven't done anything that's bothered you & that's not much time to have your feelings turn around. I wouldn't expect them to. I just want to continue on & see if we can get to a point where living in the house together is enjoyable. She said I was showing him that I had hope in my last statement & he does not want me to have hope yet.
Jump ahead to 6/12 - now just to remind everyone the PREVIOUS week, H had been communicating with me quite frequently about his plans.
he must have called someone on his way home & went straight out w/them bc he hadn't been to the house. My neighbor came over, sat on the deck & drank a few beers. Woke up at 1:30am when the dog barked bc H arrived home. Never told me where he went - never asked.
Laurie's theory was that H did this to try to take my hope away again since I'd expressed some at MC.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
I guess I don't know what it means to truly detach. I still get disappointed when I don't see any progress. But I'm just kind of telling myself - who cares? why would I expect anything else? I have stopped living in fear. I haven't been worrying about things as much. Haven't been thinking about what if he files for divorce? I mean I do think about it some & then say - there's nothing I can do if he does & that is the end of the thought.
Truly detaching means recognizing that, since there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do for your H in helping him on his journey, you need to back off and let him have the "control", as Forrest puts it. If you don't, you will only drive him further away.
This whole giving over of "control" can make us feel sub-human. We give it- they take it, and without a moment's hesitation. We become selfless and in return, we are rewarded with selfishness from them. It's not fair. AT ALL! But it is necessary. And it's precisely why we need to focus on ourselves right now. Because that is the only thing in life that we actually do have any real control over. Since they won't (CAN'T!) be there for us right now, we need to be there for ourselves. I can't stress how important that is to your well being.
It's only natural to feel disappointment when you see absolutely NO progress. I know how you feel. It's hard for me to buoy myself up in my sitch, when, for the past year and a half, she has, for all intents and purposes, ditched me. Moved out of the house...doesn't call...only emails when she needs something from the house, and even then only spews about moving forward with the D. Very depressing stuff. But my point is that this is not a sprint, Hope. THIS IS A MARATHON, and they have to go through this. And so do we.
You can't fool me. I know you care. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here. And your stoic attitude is admirable, but don't use it to try to hide from the pain and avoid your feelings! If you suppress those feelings now, they will only explode later...and most likely in your H's presence, which we all know won't help the sitch at all!
Don't hide from them. Honor yourself by honoring your emotions, but do it in private. And vent here, too.
Originally Posted By: Hopeful in VA
I just feel like our R has dwindled to nothing. There isn't even anything to talk about anymore. H seems to continue to pull away emotionally. I guess I don't worry about it & continue on being the best me I can & living my life & being a great mom. Coaching call w/Laurie tomorrow morning.
I probably don't have to tell you- this is part of the process. The spouses know something is wrong, but they don't know what. They're so busy with trying to figure out what it is for themselves and avoiding their own issues that they don't (CAN'T!) contribute to the R anymore. Don't let this phase you- it's not you.
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
Yep - I know exactly where Rt. 610 is! Thanks for checking on me. It motivated me to give an update on the coaching call I had w/Laurie yesterday. We discussed the MC session which took place 6/9:
We chat a bit & mc asks if I said anything in the past 2 wks that has offended him. He said no. Mc says how did that feel? H says I didn't really notice bc I've disconnected. Nothing has changed with regard to my feelings for her. Mc asked h to look me in the eye & say that. Looks at me & says my feelings just aren't there for you, sorry.
At the end I say I would like to ask you something. When you said you weren't feeling anything for me, do u want to? Are you trying to? H says to b honest, no.
Laurie said she doesn't know anyone else in this scenario that would have said anything different. If he would have said yes to even wanting to have feelings for me, me & MC would have jumped all over that glimmer of hope & he's not ready to commit to that yet.
I say then why are we here? H says bc I didn't want to leave any stone unturned & I don't think I have.
Laurie said this was my glimmer of hope.
1. mc asks if I said anything in the past 2 wks that has offended him. He said no.
2. I said my dream is still that our m will survive & that our kids will have a family. In the meantime I am becoming the best me I can be for wherever this life takes me. I realize I am the only one that can make me happy.
H says she finally gets it - she's a strong person & no matter how things end up, we will all survive. I say survive implies just getting by. And I'm not okay with that.
Laurie said even though H was not being positive #1, he was AT LEAST still acknowledging changes which is a good thing. #2 - she said as much as I don't care for H's interpretation of what I said, he is seeing something different. I have taken even more guilt & pressure off of him by being strong & showing him I can make it on my own.
I said well even with you being more assertive, you still don't have any complaints about me so I think our worlds can coexist.
Laurie said it would have been better to say something like - I realize we have only had around 2 good weeks together where I haven't done anything that's bothered you & that's not much time to have your feelings turn around. I wouldn't expect them to. I just want to continue on & see if we can get to a point where living in the house together is enjoyable. She said I was showing him that I had hope in my last statement & he does not want me to have hope yet.
Jump ahead to 6/12 - now just to remind everyone the PREVIOUS week, H had been communicating with me quite frequently about his plans.
he must have called someone on his way home & went straight out w/them bc he hadn't been to the house. My neighbor came over, sat on the deck & drank a few beers. Woke up at 1:30am when the dog barked bc H arrived home. Never told me where he went - never asked.
Laurie's theory was that H did this to try to take my hope away again since I'd expressed some at MC.
Don't buy into his blahblahblah. Like Laurie said, he doesn't want to give away his control...
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
I'm really not down that way too often lately. I'm at the opposite end of the county so I am more likely to be in the area of route 15, 29, 66, 234, etc.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Well met an old friend for Happy Hour Monday night. It was kind of depressing bc we were getting hit on by old biker guys. I just kept thinking is this my new destiny? To go back into this world, yuck - that is why I got married, to settle down. I guess it was better than being ignored (which is how I feel in my own home)!
Yesterday H had a bball game at 7:30pm, so he came home from work, changed & headed back out the door. We'll see what today brings...
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
We have ALL had those thoughts. And except for the old biker guy thing, I've been where you are.
Just keep moving forward with you and things will get better.
There will come a day when you look back on this time and actually be thankful for it. I know that is hard to grasp right now, but it will happen for you.
Whatever happens in your marriage, YOU will survive.
Well met an old friend for Happy Hour Monday night. It was kind of depressing bc we were getting hit on by old biker guys. I just kept thinking is this my new destiny? To go back into this world, yuck - that is why I got married, to settle down. I guess it was better than being ignored (which is how I feel in my own home)!
Hey, I was secretly flattered that my friends and I were getting hit on by a bunch of drunks at a Perkins a few weeks ago Two of us were obviously pregnant.
I'm not big on the idea of going back into that world either. I was telling a friend last night that this whole process reminds me of beginning a relationship - how you're never sure what the next move is and who should make it. Not knowing what should you say and what shouldn't you say to the person that you've been sharing your most intimate feelings with for a decade?
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I got it. We can start an online dating service that is exclusive to DB site!!! Ha!!!
Seriously, I, too, have had thoughts about having to get back into the dating pool. Not something I want to think about right now, but I am slowly realizing it will be ok. If W goes thru with her plans, will take some time off, then look at my options.
