You need a crash course in detachment. You have to start now and start hard.
I know that the last year went well, but if it was so good, how come she sought out other men? These things don't happen "accidentally" unless you are in the proper mindset.
This, and what she is saying now about giving you time, makes me think that your perceptions might be quite different. You might have seen really connecting, but I wonder if what she saw was a man that was bending over backwards to kiss butt. A man that made a complete reversal from being harsh to completely the opposite...basically a butt kisser. NO RELATIONSHIP is without some strife...and you had one for a year and I can only imagine it's because of how you changed your behavior. She may have doubted it was a new you. She may even have felt like it was a quite superficial way of keeping her. Sure, she probably liked it, and went along; it was nice having you so docile and eager to please. Perhaps you could have used some of that time in your own pursuits rather than just devoting it solely to her. I suggest that you do so now.
Start today on establishing your own identity as a guy that is capable of having his own interesting life. Do the things that are suggested to newbies...get a hobby, get some independence, get a life. She gave you the heads up that she's wanted out for 14 months now. Show her that you've accepted that and quit wasting so much of your time on her. There is no reason that she should get upset of you moving forward since that's why she didn't leave before...because she was so worried for you.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
All I really have to say is "I know"....I believe you hit the nail on the head, and my thinking the past couple of days has become much more clear.
Your words echo most of what has been going through mind lately.
In some respects that makes me pause with regrets and the should have, would have, could have thoughts, but at least it was a good year...regardless of what she says now.
I still find it difficult to type the words "deal breaker" and make it 100% firm in my heart, but my mind is one step ahead I think.
Most thoughts lately have been about the logistics of all this and the next step....her future reactions and words...but even if it were possible to come back from something like this, the lightness, the closeness, the friendship has faded badly over the weekend.
Even a 180 from her now....how could I handle that...how would I handle that?...not even something I want to dwell on.
My goal now is to remain calm and polite. She knows what she has done and I still know more than she thinks, so the next step will be for her to decide.
Like Bill told me...I never asked for an end to this marriage.
Even though I probably didn't handle this year correctly, DB speaking, I have treated her nothing but love, kindness and respect.
No, that can never make up for her unhappiness with me and the marriage years prior, and that was never my intention.
She no longer has the option of stepping out of this and changing her mind. Whether that really matters to her I guess I will never know, but I made it very clear to her over the weekend.
I will keep you posted.
Also, if anyone out there believes in karma....my wife lost her phone over the weekend and has been extremely limited in her capability for contacting BF.
Pheonix might be right. I think it is possible to sort of over DB. We have talked about that a little. I was kind of like you describe yourself. I turned into house cleaning, chick flick watching puss boy. It sort of created a cross between an entitlement monster and a wife who loves me like her gay best friend. It kept her in the house but the last year has been about reclaiming my nards.
But you know what, if this ends badly; you won't be sitting at the bar with your motorcycle outside when it hits you, that she left because you were a dick and did nothing for the marriage.
You are doing the best you can and it is admirable. Now you gotta think about what you must do so you can look yourself in the mirror and feel good about yourself today...and see your balls if you happen to be standing naked in front of the mirror. Maybe if you were feeling better about you, the rest would follow. I guess I am parroting the party line but I find when I can do these things, it really does help everything else.
Good luck, try to read that stuff I sent you when you get chance.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I really don't think that Tim has become a wuss for these past 14 months. I certainly don't think his wife seems him like some kind of gay friend.
He has not compromised his priniciples. He has not been a doormat or taken abuse that he would not normally take.
He's had a year of peace because he's been a loving and attentive husband, something each of us should be trying to be all the time.
Sorry, I just think these last couple posts are off the mark.
The problem here is NOT that Tim has become unmanly in his wife's eye because he's become a wuss. The problem is that Tim's wife has begun to entertain the notion of being with another man, and now she is throwing the last year in his face.
Trust me, if you've followed along in his thread this whole time, his wife has NOT always acted like she was doing this for him.
It just happens to be convenient for her to play it now like she's been ALLOWING him to hang around because she was worried about him.
Bullshit.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I agree with Bill. Her attempt to refrain the past year is now part of her rationalization of what she is now doing. I watched my W do it over and over. Reframing our past, reframing my behavior, and she's now reframing my present behavior as if I'm still doing the things that I used to do - the difference now is I know I'm not doing those things.
I didn't get the sense throughout Tim's journey that he was being a puss or a doormat. Maybe he could have GAL'd more, but no one knows where that would have led. He did what he did. Period. Can't change the past.
Present time - Tim focus on you and what you need to do to make yourself happy. As MfT once told me, she comes last now. Behind you, your job, and anything else about YOU. Stick her in the back of the line now.
She's breaking the promise you two made about not having anyone else involved. She's testing the waters before she's even split with you - looking for that parachute.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
All I really have to say is "I know"....I believe you hit the nail on the head, and my thinking the past couple of days has become much more clear.
First guys...I was not agreeing that I had become a wuss over the past 14 months. Over DB'd..probably....wish that I had mixed in a hell of a lot more time for myself and grown on my own, instead of focusing so much on her..of course.
When I agreed with Phoenix, I was agreeing with the fact that I should have made more of an independent life for myself over this year, and certainly now, must move positively in that direction.
Bill is right...my goal all through this was a 180 in the way I treated my wife through our marriage, and that was what I did..she got the love, kindness and respect that she lacked for many years.
Knowing how unhappy she was for so many years, I will never regret how I treated her and the things that I tried to accomplish. The only regrets are more like a job I didn't complete the way I intended, or a game I didn't win...and given the opportunity, can look back now more subjectively and see where I made most of my mistakes.
I am never going to know the truth about what she felt for most of those months prior to the OM, but I do know what I felt and what I saw...it's all on here...sometimes on a day to day journal, just like all of us.
She sees things differently now, and for that matter, so do I..but like Steady said "You can't change the past"..to that I would add, but you can change the future.
My goal, still, is to remain true to what I have done this past year, and that is becoming more difficult as the time comes closer to them actually meeting..if in fact it comes to that.
As I pull farther away from her these past few days, I notice a little more sadness and turmoil surfacing in her, like the little fantasy scenario she had created is not going to go as planned.
From the start of all this, and as recently as the spring and our last R talk when she told me we were best friends for the first time in 20 years....she was still planning on that fantasy to come true.
"The perfect divorce"....I would lovingly step away...we would work out all the financial and logistical problems over drinks and sex, each of us starting separate lives and remaining best buddies...being there for each other when we needed.
If I still know my wife at all, and I'm not sure I do, she is not stepping through this door lightly. Up until a week ago this was all fantasy, and I see the reality sinking in in her face.
My decision has been made, and my only concerns now are how to get through this and remain true to myself. Her decision will not affect mine, but she is going to have to accept it, live with it and acknowledge the fact to our daughter, our friends and families....all of those around us who saw....like all of you heard...what the two of us were experiencing for the past 14 months.
My decision has been made, and my only concerns now are how to get through this and remain true to myself. Her decision will not affect mine, but she is going to have to accept it, live with it and acknowledge the fact to our daughter, our friends and families....all of those around us who saw....like all of you heard...what the two of us were experiencing for the past 14 months.
I'm a little confused here; what IS your decision?
The fantasy in the mind of the spouse who has decided to move on to another is rarely met.
I recall my ex sending me an email in the first days after we were officially divorced, saying that she thought we could still do things with the boys together and that we would always get along because she never saw us as one of those angry divorced couples. (Or something along that line, it's been awhile now.)
Being friends works for them because it does two things. It allows them to pursue their new and illicit relationship, and it assuages their guilt if they can be friends with us at the same time.
Somehow they have managed to take a long term relationship that was promised to last forever, and end it by saying "let's just go see other people and be BFF's!!"
How utterly juvenile...
The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to continue to pull back with grace and dignity. To hold true to your principles about what is proper and what is not in ending a relationship. And to remain firm in what you will tolerate and allow yourself to be exposed to in the behavior of your still-spouse. Then do all these things without anger or vindictiveness, but almost matter of factly. As in, "that's just how I believe it needs to be."
You continue to honor the fact that you cannot control her by allowing her to proceed down the path she has chosen without throwing fits, breaking down in tears, and screaming accusations, but you also make it clear that you believe it is wrong and you are disappointed that she has made these choices.
Then you get out and begin to discover what Tim's new life is going to look like.
As you said, she must deal with the repercussions of her choices and actions. And trust me, she is not yet even fully aware of just what those repercussions are.
I told my ex one day, just prior to the divorce but after it was clear that there would be no reconciliation and that she was pursuing her soul mate....
"One day you will see or think of me and realize that you made a horrible mistake when you chose to leave."
No anger, no whining, no pleading, no desperation. Just calm, cool, and collected fact.
And I sincerely meant ever single word.
And that's part of how I knew I was ready to move on.
Stay strong Tim. I believe you are working this out just fine.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Hey Tim, I wasn't saying you pussed out. I was saying I pussed out that and I felt it was possible to overDB and become to much of a pleaser. I dunno if you did or did not. I know it was one of my mistakes and led to a year of limbo. Wanted to help you avoid the same. Just something to consider. It was a food for thought post.
I do think sometimes when they get the WAW/afffair mindset, there is little you can do to please THEM, you have to please YOURSELF and hope for the best. If you know you have done the work, and you feel good about the husband you have become, then the rest is in the higher power of your choice.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
