Inspiration is something that comes from living a life that no matter how painful it gets at times you embrace it at some point in your life and become. You have times that you were not the you that you are meant to be for whatever reason, but you do not settle and remain. You perservere through the pain with acceptance for your part and understanding of the part your partner has played and because of this you become YOU. I am whole heartedly sad that you are going through the pain, but I am inspired and awed by your becoming. And that sir, is why so many find you to be an inspiration.
Love, peace, and chicken grease! Shawna
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Those are very kind things to say, all, but perhaps misdirected. I'm just being a selfish pr*ck.
You are anything but selfish; you have figured out who you are and how you need to comport yourself (“to roll”) in a manner that is true to you. At the end of the day, that is what we are all trying to do.
You seem to have absorbed Peaks and Valleys through some highly catalyzed osmosis process (the Ambien and Fosters mix?)… The pain in the valley may have woken you up to many truths about you and about life, but Smiley, while it’s an interesting way of framing how you choose to roll, it ain’t selfishness… and you’re outnumbered (@alive, @orange, @jaguilar, @GTFME, @gardener, @mb, @thinker and @me)… [Not to mention you sound too much like @thinker when you self-effacingly dismiss how inspiring you are to others, but I digress.]
While you may be ruing your past husbanding efforts, by becoming that Rock, your future fathering (or partnership co-parenting even if friendiness results in more)can be what it needs to be for your beautiful daughter and son (I finally got it right, mea culpa redux for the “sons” faux pas). From the outside looking in, it looks like that 25M target may have led you to find that place to roll in order to “be there” for your kids – the exact opposite of selfishness. As horrifying as this weekend was (and the guilt you carry for your role in “failing” them), they are lucky to have a father who will always care.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
MORE nice words. Let me clarify, though, that when I say "selfish" I mean doing what is good for me. If it happens to be good for others, produces a Gooditude Externality, well that's okay, too. But if it's not good for me it can't be good for S and D. So selfish. Or self-focused. Or self-referential. Oh what the hell? It's All About Meeeeeeeee!
---Update---
As we were whispering in the dark last night / this morning, between sobs Herself asked one of those rhetorical-but-not-really-rhetorical questions wives seem to take a class in asking.
"How can you say you care? You don't act like it."
On cross-examination, Herself explained that she was feeling ever-more alone, ever-more-likely to remain alone, feelings made manifest by the apparent lack of interest in her by real Other Men, as opposed to the benighted Signore Schmuckatelli, whom Herself seems to despise now even more than I ever did, and my evident attraction to, and attraction for, Other Women.
{Now lest ye get the wrong idea, I have in fact been "out" with several women. These aren't "dates," but we've been, as they used to say, "walking out." Interesting women who seem to think I'm a rather interesting fellow. Meals, chats, laughs, and perfectly-respectable-in-public fare-thee-wells. No "second" dates or anything like that. Herself seems to be turning them into Second Marriages for Smiley's Person, and I'm content to let her stew just that much about them -- I mean, I'm no Saint. A plateful of fresh Schadenfreude is an enjoyable thing every now and again. But betwixt you and me and the firewall, friends, they're really simple acts of human engagement that happen to cross gender lines. But they're good practice, just in case. Hope, after all, is not a plan.}
Well, says I, if you remember after our first big To-Do there in my office (cf, Thread 3 or so), you promised that you'd be open to the possibility that there is a future between us if and only if I'd be open to the possibility that "this" -- you, us -- is not really what I want. Do you remember?
"Yes."
So how'm'I going to know, if I don't walk-out with some ladies? You know me – it can’t be helped. Poor things are powerless -- I'm studly. Wattaryagonnado? {We both laugh.}
“I’m not. No one’s interested in me.”
Now you know that’s not true.
“What do you mean?”
Hey. Enough, okay? You’ve caught me looking at you.
“I don’t mean that way.”
I don’t either. And you know that, don’t you?
“Still. You're the only one. And that’s not the same as caring.”
I thought you said you weren't interested in that? You don't want "all that stuff."
(Deep breath) Are you asking if I care? Because if you are... I do care.
She pauses. "I would have thought you'd fight for it if you did."
SP's Thought Balloon: Whoa! What the h*ll was that? Anyone see where that shot came from?
(This is one of those Divorce-Busting Moments. [I think. Maybe. Is it? Hard to tell. It's dark in here. And I'm not wearing my glasses. Plus I'm distracted by having to constantly rearrange my bathrobe. I mean, you know, let's face it. I'm in bed. With WAW. Who doesn't sleep in much. There are certain, ah, "hydraulic" events that one cannot control which, though ordinarily quite happily experienced at this advanced age, nevertheless seem somewhat inappropriate in this particular context.]
(Okay, so it's time for Smiley's Person to deploy his forces. Sergeant Rock, move Easy 50 meters down that berm. Sergeant Fury, take your Howling Commandos over by that wall. Sergeant Bilko, have your people bring us up some extra ammunition. Sergeant Preston, you just go back to the Yukon -- this is War Between the Sexes, son, it ain’t Canada.
(Troops arrayed, Smiley’s Person touches his mojo. Black cat bone in a gris-gris bag. Got my mojo workin’. Will it work on you? He gets off the edge of the bed, comes around, and stands very close to WAW’s head, hands close to her body, as he leans in to her ear.)
Do you want me to fight for it?
“Well, yes. {Beat} Well. I mean. I did. You could have. You just let it go. But now. Well. I mean –“
What makes you think I haven’t been?
(Silence. WAW literally shudders and pulls the blankets close around her.)
Don’t be afraid. I’m not standing in your way. But don’t mistake my acceptance of things with a desire for those things. Do you follow?
“Yes. But what happens if I wind up alone?”
(Helloooooo, Deep End. Into your waters I plunge.) That’s a chance you’ll have to take. It’s Your Path, not mine. I’m not blocking the exits. You can leave. In a way I want you to. You’ve said that in spite of everything this is what you need. Okay – get what you need. I want you to know how it feels, the bad and the good. Maybe it will be the best thing you ever did. Hell, maybe it’ll be the best thing you ever did for both of us. Neither of us is going to know until we know. But you won’t ever really be alone. Because you’ll always know that there is one man who cares about you and who cares about what happens to you.
“Will I know that?”
C’mon, who are you trying to kid? You know that already.
“And if I know that, what happens if you’re not alone?”
Then, my friend, it will suck to be you.
(And Smiley’s Person kisses Mrs. SP on the forehead and sends her back to sleep.)
Let me clarify, though, that when I say "selfish" I mean doing what is good for me. If it happens to be good for others, produces a Gooditude Externality, well that's okay, too. But if it's not good for me it can't be good for S and D. So selfish. Or self-focused. Or self-referential. Oh what the hell? It's All About Meeeeeeeee!
So, it's kind of like a Mobius strip where the opposite definitions fold back upon themselves -- your definition of selfishness encompassing not being selfish...
This:
Quote:
(Helloooooo, Deep End. Into your waters I plunge.) That’s a chance you’ll have to take. It’s Your Path, not mine. I’m not blocking the exits. You can leave. In a way I want you to. You’ve said that in spite of everything this is what you need. Okay – get what you need. I want you to know how it feels, the bad and the good. Maybe it will be the best thing you ever did. Hell, maybe it’ll be the best thing you ever did for both of us. Neither of us is going to know until we know. But you won’t ever really be alone. Because you’ll always know that there is one man who cares about you and who cares about what happens to you.
“Will I know that?”
C’mon, who are you trying to kid? You know that already.
“And if I know that, what happens if you’re not alone?”
Then, my friend, it will suck to be you.
... is AMAZING stuff...
Last edited by AlexEN; 06/16/0905:12 PM.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
“Still. You're the only one. And that’s not the same as caring.”
I thought you said you weren't interested in that? You don't want "all that stuff."
(Deep breath) Are you asking if I care? Because if you are... I do care.
She pauses. "I would have thought you'd fight for it if you did."
SP's Thought Balloon: Whoa! What the h*ll was that? Anyone see where that shot came from?
Not to sound all sibylline, but that doesn't surprise me, one little bit.
Originally Posted By: SmileysPerson
“Will I know that?”
C’mon, who are you trying to kid? You know that already.
“And if I know that, what happens if you’re not alone?”
Then, my friend, it will suck to be you.
(And Smiley’s Person kisses Mrs. SP on the forehead and sends her back to sleep.)
And that, Mr. Harvey, is the Rest of the Story.
You *said* that? The green part???? In those words? Gunga Din!
She needed to hear it.
I have hope for the both of you. I just can't help it.
My gut reaction is, be cautious about *pushing* her out the door with all the magnificent deadness. There's gotta be a balance there, between not pursuing and being SO accepting of the fait accompli that you actually convey the wrong message (to wit, "I don't care enough to fight for you". But damme, you're doing the best you can with it all. Selfish looks good on ya; wink.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Not to jump on the bandwagon, but wanted to tell you that I also am inspired by how you have found your strength and sense of self awareness, and how that has allowed you to show unconditional love to your W. I don't think there is any selfishness in a response that really is the best for all involved, or at least, the best to be made of things as they are at this time.
You say that it is selfish just because it is part of the path you have set out to take. Nope, I think not. Its part of the only way out is through deal-eo. You are practicing intention without attachment to to outcome. You are putting your attention towards your intention, but you are living in the present, not trying to force the future. Before I get too Deepak Chopra here, I'll stop.
Also wanted to thank you for your compassion and thoughtful words the other day on my thread. I'm a bit embarrassed at the way that I zig zagged all over the board here in a desperate cry for HELP. IRL I am not such an attention seeker.
Still, I've been thinking a lot about what you said regarding fear, and recognizing that at this point there is very little to do or that could tip things in one direction or another. Of course there are things that could further damage the R (nail the coffin shut, seal it with super glue, encase the whole thing in cement) but that really, the M., as it was is over.
I wonder what my moment will be, when I hear, really hear music again. There have been times when I thought I was paddling along in calm detachment. Hey, once or twice I may even have stood up in the canoe! Look at me, I can balance, whooohoo, I'm really A-OK. Then I see how easy it is to rock my boat. Same old triggers of hurt, anger, bewilderment-FEAR- not very far below the surface, causing ripples. I capsize, haul myself back in, blinking...somehow still surprised, Hey, I'm soaking wet again ?!
Don't know why I got stuck on these boat analogies. Anyway, the point was to express thanks, admiration, and to offer my little token of support, as we all sail along, chartering our respective courses. I can only imagine the whole other dimension of pain experienced by those who have to see their children hurt by this. But I do know that they will never have to question that you are there to be and provide everything that they need.
Last edited by traveldane; 06/16/0905:35 PM.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
