About Me: My W and I got married on my birthday 11/7/2006 shortly after our daughter was born in September. I'm 26 and my W is 25.
In the beginning: I worked with W before we M, and I really got connected with her because I helped her through a bad relationship. She was also going through alot of rebellion from her family due to being a preacher's daughter and being sheltered. I often invited her out to clubs and exposed her to another lifestyle. Eventually, we started dating and had our daughter out of wedlock.
Marriage: During our marriage, I was independent with my money and really took her for granted in the beginning. I truely gave my life to Jesus and became a different person than she married. When I became a Christian, our relationship began to change. I would go to church events, and she would stay home alone. I wasn't didn't give her any attention.
SHOCKER: Around February 08, I found out that my W cheated on me by finding a love letter she wrote OM for Valentine Day. I confronted her W about the issue, and she denied it at first. Eventually, I forgave her, and we renewed our relationship. This was a shocker to me because I my W strongly opposed cheating and D in the beginning. This is one of the quality I loved about her.
ANOTHER SHOCKER: March 08 After having our D, W continued the party lifestyle. She met a guy a her workplace. I often questioned her always hanging out with him with friends, but she would deny things of course. W would say that he was just a friend, and also that she was trying to hook him up with one of her friends. Eventually, I found out W was having an EA with him because she left her Myspace page on the computer.
THE BOMB: April 08 My W told me that she ILYBNILWY and that she wanted a D. W told me that she would never be with me again etc. I broke every DB rule by begging, pleading, and buying gifts. I was totally crushed.
W got a lawyer and had D papers drawn up. She gave me the D petition to sign, but I refused. My W cussed me, hit me and totally talked me down to dirt.
From that point until today, my W has had period of acting like she wanted to restore our marriage. She went through phrases of mentioning the D and then acting like she wanted to be with me. She mentions D whenever she doesn't get what she wants. She also is still driving the OM car that she had the EA with and talking to him. She has also went through phases of kissing me, and apologizing for what she did.
I have been sticking it out for over a year now believing for the impossible. My W is my best friend but turns into a demon whenever I don't bow down and be her slave. Everything is all about her, and she does things that only benefit her. Since the bomb, I started treating her like a princess, but she has been taking advantage of me throughout the process.
On 6/13/09, she blew up again because I stopped giving her money and would get her a car. I also confronted her about not spending time with our D. She hit me, cuss me and told me to leave the house.
On 6/14/09, during the church service, my W was convicted because the message was on being committed to marriage etc. W went to the front for alter call and cried etc. When I got home, W asked for my wedding ring to show a friend that is getting M this weekend. I gave it to her thinking that she changed from being at the altar.
On 6/15/09. W calls asking me what I want on the D and also that I wasn't getting my ring back because I didn't need to wear it. I told her that it would be a contested D because I didn't agree with it. I received several text messages with her saying that I'm nothing to her anymore, and that she will have nothing to do with me unless it is about our D. She also said that I don't love her but just like the idea of being with her.
It is a long draw out story with tons of missing information. You will be able to get further details later. I'm continuing to be respectful to her regardless of how she treats me. I did slip up telling my daughter not to act like her mother when she was hitting on me in front of her. I was mad that my W would cuss and hit me in front of my D without caring.
"Suffering is painful but makes you a stronger person".
I have been sticking it out for over a year now believing for the impossible. My W is my best friend but turns into a demon whenever I don't bow down and be her slave. Everything is all about her, and she does things that only benefit her. Since the bomb, I started treating her like a princess, but she has been taking advantage of me throughout the process.
Well, here's your problem, MOG. "Respectful," yes, but "cake-eating, entitled princess," no. You are enabling the worst in her, in my opinion.
I'll have more later, but I wanted to put this thought out there. I have yet to see where this EVER works.
I said I treat my W like a princess, but I meant I tried to redo the undesirable behaviors that I presented before. Like you said PDT, it isn't working. Mainly, because W knows I wants our marriage to work and is taking advantage of the situation. She is also a WAW that has recently came back home after about a year. About three weeks ago, W sent me a text that she doesn't want to let go of me but just doesn't want to be committed at the moment. W has been sending me alot of mixed signals lately. Now, she is back on the D issue becasue I'm detaching.
"Suffering is painful but makes you a stronger person".
Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"? It may really help you. I know, because I AM one (a "Nice Guy.") Women don't respect "Nice Guys" (there's a difference between being a strong man, who is nice, and a "Nice Guy"), and women also tie their feelings of "respect" VERY closely with their feelings of "love."
I'd suggest you seek out three posters -- Coach, Gucci Loafer and dburt -- and get some feedback from them. I can help you with the infidelity part, and give you some ideas for affair-busting and boundary-setting, but I think that is a secondary issue for you.
In addition to "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and Michele's "Divorce Remedy," I'd strongly suggest "Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs," by Eggerichs. It's exceptional.
At the moment, the best thing for me to do is focus on me and my D that is almost 3. My W has been luring me in for months then dropping the bomb over and over. W uses her parents and friends also. She thinks the world revolves around her. Of course, she wasn't like this towards me before we M. W was doing the samething she is doing with to her parents. Her father is a pastor and didn't put up with her clubbing etc. W eventually rebelled against her family and moved in with me secretly. She would park her car different places and tell them she was staying with different family members. When I got saved, W make comments that I act like her father. I think my lifestyle switch has alot to do with so of it. W doesn't view me as to fun party guy anymore and is getting attention from OM.
"Suffering is painful but makes you a stronger person".
This would seem to be a spiritual war as much as a marital one.
Pray for her daily, that she softens her heart. My sister likes to say "God will break you, before He fixes you," but then she'll add "But you have to be WILLING to be broken, first."
In addition to "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and Michele's "Divorce Remedy," I'd strongly suggest "Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs," by Eggerichs. It's exceptional.
Puppy
I love this book! I struggle with some of it while DH's behavior is so off, but I try everyday to implement the things I learned there. Two other good one are Captivating-Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul and Wild at Heart. The authors' last name is Eldridge--husband and wife. They are really good for understanding who God wants us to be as a man and a woman, not just as man and wife.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Thank God you understand that it is a Spiritual War too. I do pray for her daily with many people. My W was told by Benny Hinn and many other ministers that she has a calling on her life. W was sold out to Jesus during her youth but has been running from her calling during her teen years. As soon as, I totally gave my heart to Jesus, the problems began to happen. Believe me PDT, I has grown so much spiritually in the battle. I was so weak in the beginning, but I'm so much stronger today because of this. I have learned alot of things about myself too which I'm thankfully about.
"Suffering is painful but makes you a stronger person".
