Hey kids, sorry for not posting, I've had a watershed few days.. had a BIG talk with bf last night and he wants to move back in. I also got my degree result.. and I passed! I didnt do as well as I hoped, but I finished and done AND on the same day as bf said this morning, NOT to give notice on my house today (as I cant afford to live here alone anymore).. but that he will move back in. So, what wierd timing that was.
Mish.. thanks for checking on me, I told bf about you last night! He asked how I knew Kalni and I ended up telling him about a "support group". He looked very upset but I told him it was great and had made lots of friends there... Ditto Kat! Funny, I did more than 5 pressups yesterday and I am paying for it today..but thats because I went to the Tang Soo Do grading and I got my yellow belt...woohoo!!!
Hey ITH, I never really 'got' it before when I used to read how you struggled with your H.. but I do now. We have to hold our own so to speak and NOT put any emotion on them, or just tiny bits. But yes, things have moved very fast for me and him and after just 4 weeks he has agreed to move back in.. but yes he still hasnt said "I love you" apart from that one time a few weeks ago, after he had had some drinks !
Saffie, thanks for your post.. you reminded me that although I was sorry and loving after my EA, it was also probably a year later before I was able to REALLY express how sorry I was. I can see in him that he is embarressed too for how he was a WA like that and didnt talk to me, but he is still reticent to talk directly about stuff and I am finding it easier to let it go and wait for it to all come out organically..
Cyrena, hello! He is behaving in similiar ways to your H.. he has a female friend coming to stay in a few weeks.. she is the BF of his BMF and they once dated about 14 years ago. Shes never stayed with him before and has broken up with her bf, so I was concerned when I found out and didnt hide it too well, but he was very reassuring and said it was "sweet" that I checked if there was anything to worry about. I shutup pretty quick and havent mentioned it again. He ended up telling me last night that the 22 year old is "not really a mate" so I am not concerned about her either.. but I see a little resistance in him still..but as he has said he wants to move back in, I'm going to wait for the commitment and not worry for now.
K.. thanks for the drinks !! I have a funny story to tell you sometime too about that book..
So we had a big talk, mainly about him and his depression and although we skirted around some things (the time we spent apart and Helen) I did refer to it a little. But this is what I learnt from him...
- He was unhappy in himself and couldnt work out why. Not a normal feeling fed up, but really down.. and day to day it wasnt getting better and he spiralled down until he felt he didnt know who he was, or what he wanted. He was very depressed and it got worse after he left, he admitted to feeling "very low and desperate" last summer.
- He said it really wasnt about me, or my fault.. that he was unhappy and had been "all his life" and to some extent still is at times, but he IS less depressed, calmer and much better these past few weeks and said his friends had noticed and commented on it. He didnt want to blame his depression 100% (for leaving I presume he meant), but that essentially that was why. But that he realises it was about HIS unhappiness and thats something that was in him and had always been there, but at the time he couldnt work out what was making him unhappy. I assume he means he has now learnt that it wasnt me, or the R and therefore, he was wrong to throw that away in the mistake that I or the R was the root of his unhappiness.
- He said he wants to be 'normal' again, not to feel that way anymore. He is not having C anymore, but wants to go back on ADs. He explained that he had no confidence and very low self esteem and thats what leads him to be SUCH good company, so funny and have so many friends.. as he cant bear to feel foolish, or look silly, or to be boring even, as he regards that as a form of feeling foolish or embarressed and when he does he feels less than an inch high, so he is always compelled to be the life and the soul, the funny guy and show lots of interest in people and what they are up to..to the extent he has lost sight of who HE is and he doesnt know anymore, but maybe that person IS who he is now, after years of acting that way. Although I know him well, as he said..the extent of how he feels surprised me even. He insisted he has no confidence, which is NOT how he comes across amongst friends (he is very funny and chatty).
- The lack of confidence, depression and apathy to make decisions or go for things in life are all directly as a result of his upbringing and how his Mum and Dad were and how they stayed in jobs they hated for years, too fearful to leave and how they were in a loveless M and how they both had long term depression and wouldnt admit it either..
- He agrees that although he is upset at his Mum and brother for never talking to him about their feelings or being open and honest.. he is nearly as bad as they are and he needs to talk to me more. He said he felt before the bomb that he couldnt say, "I feel unhappy all the time, but I dont know why" because that sounded "pathetic" and he felt a fool. That when he didnt talk about how he felt its mostly because he doesnt know what he wants to say and cant work out how he feels, just a general feeling of joylessness. So.. he ended up leaving.. but it made him feel worse. He said he felt joylessness just now, as we walked along a coast path.. I said I noticed a change in his mood and worried it was me.. he said, "No, NOT AT ALL.. I was just looking out to sea, thinking, yes thats a beautiful view, but.. so what? Its like, it doesnt really touch me." It struck me that if this is really how he is, its a lot to take on, but that I love him and I can handle it (I am back to my 'normal' state of stable and happy go lucky and other peoples moods dont drag me down).
- He agreed he had taken a 'detour' and a 'holiday' as I put it, from us.. I joked, including a holiday romance even! and he grimaced and shuddered and said no.. so I said, it wasnt? (I took it he meant there was no 'romance' about it).. all he said in reply was a grim "No... mistake". And that was that for now.
- He said, ideally he wanted to take it a bit slower, but as he has to find a new housemate immediately to share with, or leave, and I cant afford this house alone anymore, cicrumstances meant he should move back in here sooner rather than later, but we could look for a new place then together.. I was a bit unsure at his less than enthusiastic way he put it and so was quite cool and said I didnt expect him to do that.. but he ended up saying he wanted to live with me, very much so and that he felt it was a good thing that circumstances meant he had to make a decision.. it was the kick up the arse he needed, as he was very bad and slow to make decisions, buries his head in the sand and lets things drift too much in life, so he saw it as positive.
So..the mystery begins to unravel. Basically, this WA was very much about depression and him hitting a crisis in life and in his basic personality even, losing sight of himself, probably precipitated by the death of his Dad followed by the stressful move from our hometown to rainy Cornwall where we had no friends. Answers at last hey !! And the last thing he said was "Thankyou, so much, for listening".. so, still DBing hey!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Are you sure he is a Leo?? Sounds more like a Libra to me! lol Just trying to lighten the mood. So it is good that he is starting to come more to terms with himself and his own self-esteem issues. Men are brought up to not show their "weak"(aka emotional) sides and I think that causes so many more problems than it helps. But if he can see these issues in himself, he is at least on the right road to get past them.
Don't try to take all of his issues on but be a sounding board and let him know that you support him. Keep working on being the confident and lovely and happy self that we all know and love.
Quick horoscope question: Do you believe that they are/can be fairly accurate predictors of the future? I did a compatability one not that long ago and some of the things it said appear to be earily accurate!
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I also got my degree result.. and I passed! I didnt do as well as I hoped, but I finished and done
Well, you know what they call the person that graduates last in the class at medical school? "Doctor"!...... Congratulations!
I think what you BF has told you seems pretty consistent with his behavior. Just go slow! In a way I wish he didn't "have" to move back in with you... I think it would be better if there was less pressure on it. But, not much can be done about that. Just try to make sure both of you have space to remain individuals, even when you are a couple! (Good advice for all of us, in my opinion!)
Oh I feel really bad that I didn't catch that part! Yeah!!! Way to go Ali! I was just so caught up with the feelings part( so like me)! I am proud of you and happy for you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey T, Jeff, Kat, thanks for your kinds words and well dones!
Kat it seems it CAN accurately predict the future. I had told my Mum and Dad at Christmas that we wouldn't get back together until Saturn went forwards and not before.. we got back together on 16th May... the DAY Saturn went direct. FREAKY !!
So I gave him a night off last night to spend all night catching up with phonecalls to friends. Tonight he's coming to mine. He rang his landlord and gave notice on his place last night, but said he was disappointed it had to be a months notice, seeing as its a friend of a friend, but he would see what he could do about it.. so I took that to mean he was hoping to move in with me sooner than a month! He sounded a bit down last night, but said he was ok. So, either he was ok, or is still not able to tell me how he really feels at times?
Jeff, I'm concerned about him moving back in here and yes we need to still retain 'space'. But we talked about some things and he said at least we both agree.. that we want to make sure we have fun, but not to drift anymore. I said I want to have fun but with a purpose and not drift along, he agreed and said its like this kayaking course we are doing at the weekend.. fun, but which is deliberate, something I've always wanted to do, I dont just want to just drift about and go out for drinks all the time.
When I meant "not drift" I meant, get M.. he thought I meant organised activities..oh dear !! Oh well, I guess there will be time to tackle that in the coming months.
All in good time it would seem. It has been a month now, do you feel as if some of your questions have been answered? Keep yourselves growing and not be stagnate and you may be surprised where you end up!
Also don't forget to give each other room/space as you said. Don't always be available because you are together. Do things on your own still and allow him that too. Oh, and don't forget to talk!!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
