I find it odd that your W is telling the children about a DisneyWorld trip when she hasn't got the job in the bag yet. Far better to wait and be sure. But, that's just me. I'm not so sure you shouldn't go --- gives you more opportunity to show your better self and spend time with the kids (why should they have this experience without their dad, after all, and it's more memories to build on that doesn't include the OM). I also still don't think you should initiate any R chat, unless she does and then just let her know you understand --- not necessarily agree, but understand. You can still be fairly gray by going off with your son while on the trip, then going with your daughter for a daddy/daughter date. Be around W as little as possible --- just meals, for example. (In small ways you can remind your wife that you and her are the only ones who can ever know the feelings and memories of when your children were born --- that is strong stuff for a woman --- be careful with it, though. OM doesn't have that in his arsenal, now does he?!) You do have to stop worrying about OM. Pretend he does not exist.
Just some thoughts here. Remember to be the greener grass. Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I find it odd that your W is telling the children about a DisneyWorld trip when she hasn't got the job in the bag yet.
That is my W for you. She's been like that ever since I've known her.
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I'm not so sure you shouldn't go --- gives you more opportunity to show your better self and spend time with the kids (why should they have this experience without their dad, after all, and it's more memories to build on that doesn't include the OM).
In the state my W is in, she has COMPLETELY separated co-parent from lover. I don't need to convince her I'm a good parent, and I don't need to add more awesome family memories to our legacy. It just doesn't matter to her in regards to her and my R. At least that's how it looks to me.
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In small ways you can remind your wife that you and her are the only ones who can ever know the feelings and memories of when your children were born --- that is strong stuff for a woman --- be careful with it, though. OM doesn't have that in his arsenal, now does he?
I think she knows this, she just doesn't care enough about it to change her mind. Blows me away, as those memories bond me to her so strongly that I can't conceive she doesn't feel the same way. I have to face reality though. She doesn't.
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You do have to stop worrying about OM. Pretend he does not exist.
I agree. I think you should go on the trip. This may be your biggest opportunity to outshine the OM. Show her how much fun you can be when the entire family is together. Don't say things about how great it was being M and having the kids, etc., b/c that puts pressure on her. Just be yourself.....with showing a lot of fun for the kids. That is what is important. She will be watching you going out of your way to show your children a great time in a wonderful place. This could even be a turning point for the R. Hopefully, a little magic will happen while you are there. Try to relax and not be too anxious so you can enjoy these memories you are making.
Talk later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't need to convince her I'm a good parent, and I don't need to add more awesome family memories to our legacy.
Maybe not your W, but when the kids remember DisneyWorld, it will include their dad. You will be spending only small periods of time with her, so you won't be proving anything, except how great you are at dinner time. You could even flirt without giving anything tangible except your wonderful company.
I would think this is just a step in a long series of steps toward your goal. Of course, the trip may not materialize, so probably not worth worrying about until it does.
In the meantime, don't share all that you do --- be somewhat mysterious and don't always give her what she wants (i.e. your company whenever she feels like it). I wonder what she would do if you went out on a date? Not that I'm advocating it, but if it presents itself, maybe an innocent one might shake things up???
Just throwing ideas out there.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I don't know. This whole thing is getting so weird. We're entering separation negotiations regarding the kids custody, and my W wants to include a clause that allows her to move away in two years and renegotiate the custody arrangement. We're currently at 50/50, and I'll never agree to anything less. My heart is alreday broken that I can only see my kids half the time. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
Our transition yesterday was just awful when my W dropped the kids off. My daughter was clinging onto my W, sobbing. My younger daughter was saying "Mommy, why don't you just stay here. You can sleep here." The my crying daughter chimed in with "Yes mommy, sleep here." My W just plainly stated "My home and my bed are at my house now." I tried to cheer up my daughter by playing a song on guitar for her, but that did nothing. We decided I would take the girls out for a while to distract them, so we got them buckled into the van. My daughter was slumped forward in her seat sobbing. My W hugged her for a while, then walked away and got into the car. I got into the driver's seat and went to start the van, but I just couldn't handle my daughter sobbing, so I got back out and went around and held her. My W was in the car in the driveway watching, and although my back was to her, I could hear her slowly back down the driveway and drive away. One of the saddest scenes ever :-(
For a while I thought my W was starting to come out of the fog just a little, but now she seems like the complete alien pod again. Cold as ice, and completely selfish. Where did my W go? Does she have no heart left at all? Oh, I'm sure she was crying as she drove away, but I'm just as sure she was blaming me the whole time. I made her have the A and leave.
Don't know what's going on with the plans for Disney. I doubt she'll end up going. She mentioned she might just want to take the kids to the beach while I'm gone visiting my parents.
Do not put that clause in! She can renegotiate anyway, but this makes it more solid. Who know what will the siutation will be in 2 years? If she wants to move away then she can let you have full custody.
Have you thought about getting counselling for your children? They really seem to be grieving the loss of their little worlds, quite naturally of course.
My heart goes out to you and your children.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
If she wants to move away then she can let you have full custody.
Exactly! She won't get the relocation clause in the agreement. No chance. Our state makes it VERY tough for one parent to claim the need to relocate. As long as they can support themselves in any way, the state says that's good enough, the kids and the other parent's right come before "job satisfaction" or "job advancement" or salary. I knew the moment my W left me that she was essentially trapping us right here until our youngest is out of high school. Given that she's not even in kindergarten yet, that's going to be a while. But as usual, my W doesn't want to accept that, and wants to believe that she can move away and everything will be just fine.
I sometimes do wonder about counseling for our kids. In general they are doing really well with everything, but they are hurting inside, no doubt. Breaks my heart even more. I can't believe W can just live with this. One thing I always had faith in was our absolute complete devotion and love and selflessness where our kids were concerned. But now my W is clearly putting herself above the kids. I don't think I could ever voluntarily do anything that led to so much pain and grief for our kids.
I'd say any plans for Disneyworld are off at this point. In fact, I think we're entering a much less friendly phase of this whole process :-(.
Yeah, the ol' rollercoaster ride that many of us oldies are so familiar with. Strap in, grit ya teeth, and try and enjoy the ride (GAL, I mean). LOL
As for the agreement ---- do not back down or give in to anything, in my opinion. She left so she should live with the consequences as much as possible. Why should the kids, potentially, have to live 50/50 between two states/countries, and if she got them out of the country, who knows if she'll bring them back (I'm sure you've heard about that dad whose son was taken to Brazil by his mom, and now he's fighting to get back custody from the stepdad since that mom died). She's not the same person you knew. Maybe, that's why she's been so pleasant thus far --- softening you up so that you'll give in to wishes regarding the agreement.
Oh well! You continue being pleasant, but not backing down on anything, is my advice. She must face the consequences of her choice head on.
I think counselling would be a great idea for the children --- won't do them any harm and maybe it would do them a great service. One just doesn't know what's going on in their little heads. They may be thinking it's their fault mommy left, no matter how much you may tell them it's not, or some other stuff. Plus, it will strengthen any custody battle, if you are the parent seen being proactive in your children's wellbeing. (Although, I know you would be doing that out of love more than any other motive.)
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
We had our meeting. Here's the deal with the relocation clause my W wanted. She finally came out and said she wants the option to move away if she has a good career option in two or three years, and that she'd give me primary custody, as long as she could have the kids for a while in the summer and during school break. Wow. She's gone. I can't believe this is the woman I had the children with who doded on them and loved them like her very soul was intertwined with theirs. Now she'd be okay just seeing them a few times per year? Who is this person? What happened to my W?
On the one hand, I'm elated she's willing to give me the kids, but on the other hand I'm sad this is who I married. Is this the the MLC and/or affair fog in action?
