I hate my H

[Done in VA]

I appreciate you chiming in - the more the merrier. It's so hard when I bring up the childhood stuff bc I don't want to make excuses for myself. It is VERY hard when you have someone who cannot recognize the issues are within himself.

I know that this path has to be traveled by him & him alone, but keep wondering if I could ask MC to refer him to IC. Maybe he would go if she told him she thought that was best.

Where in VA are you? I'm thinking I need to move out of this state - bad luck for marriages LOL

[Jimbo]

I appreciate you chiming in - the more the merrier. It's so hard when I bring up the childhood stuff bc I don't want to make excuses for myself.

Understandable, and a perfectly valid concern. As long as you are being as honest with yourself about this as possible, then you have nothing to worry about...yes?

It is VERY hard when you have someone who cannot recognize the issues are within himself.

I agree wholeheartedly. Very hard, frustrating, exasperating, maddening...you name it. But recognize those issues for himself, he must. And as much as we love our spouses and want to help however we feel we can, our "help" is unappreciated by them, and just serves to make the situation worse.

I know that this path has to be traveled by him & him alone, but keep wondering if I could ask MC to refer him to IC. Maybe he would go if she told him she thought that was best.

This is the perfect example of what I was speaking about in my last post, and I'm going to call you on it. If the MC feels the need to make that determination based on her professional opinion, she will. If you don't trust her to make the correct call without your coaching, then you need to find a more competant MC.

Have you really detatched...truly?

In your head AND your heart?

This is what I meant. It's so easy to fall down that slippery slope. So easy, in fact, that we don't even recognize we're doing it when it happens.

Ask yourself how you would look to your H if he discovered you were "colluding against him" with your MC. Maybe you don't see it that way, but I'm sure your previous experiences with trying to be logical with your H about ANYTHING will convince you that you will NEVER be able to un-ring that bell!

Not trying to be an @$$ here, but I just want you to be sure what you are dealing with. Most spouses in this type of scenario are looking for ANY excuse (valid or not) to quit the M.

Please don't give him that excuse through actions that could be interpreted by him as controling.

Where in VA are you? I'm thinking I need to move out of this state - bad luck for marriages LOL

Dulles Airport is a 10 minute cab ride for me.

Maybe this state isn't such bad luck for marriages. After all, you found this board, right? :-)

[Done in VA]

Have you really detatched...truly?

In your head AND your heart?

I guess I don't know what it means to truly detach. I still get disappointed when I don't see any progress. But I'm just kind of telling myself - who cares? why would I expect anything else? I have stopped living in fear. I haven't been worrying about things as much. Haven't been thinking about what if he files for divorce? I mean I do think about it some & then say - there's nothing I can do if he does & that is the end of the thought.

Scenario of weekend so far. MIL offers to have the kids sleep over on Friday - of course they were ecstatic. I call H on his way home from work to let him know. Told him I would be out for the evening. Went & got my nails done, my plans fell through so I came home by 6:30pm - he must have called someone on his way home & went straight out w/them bc he hadn't been to the house. My neighbor came over, sat on the deck & drank a few beers. Woke up at 1:30am when the dog barked bc H arrived home. Never told me where he went - never asked. Got up at 7:30 am came downstairs & watched tv together for 3 hrs, drinking coffee. There was some forced, awkward small talk.

Picked up the kids & all went to S7's baseball team cookout. Had a great time talking to all the other parents. Didn't hang out w/H. Went home, H did stuff around the house, I cleaned. Put the kids to bed & went to neighbor's graduation party (alone). Got a call from a friend, went up to local bar to meet for 2 drinks. Ran by the gas station on the way home & got hit on by a pretty darn attractive guy ten years younger than me. Was a nice ego boost. Made me think it would be easier to start over (but just for a second!)

Got up went to church (alone). Came home, took kids to the pool, purposely stayed until H would have left to go to his baseball game. Getting ready to go to our church potluck w/kids.

I just feel like our R has dwindled to nothing. There isn't even anything to talk about anymore. H seems to continue to pull away emotionally. I guess I don't worry about it & continue on being the best me I can & living my life & being a great mom. Coaching call w/Laurie tomorrow morning.

[Done in VA]

What you will find is that most likely you have softened.. to the outside world. But not so much to the world you hold close. I say this simply because that is what I have learned from all this. We tend to project onto those that are close.. cause they should know us. They should have hard skin. It begins to wear on them. That is why they blame us.

I can see this - I know I was probably harder on him bc he was closest to me.

Thanks for all the good advice. If you read post to Jimbo, it gives some details of this weekend. Trying to GAL. Trying to detach.

BTW - good music choices! I get it.

[Forrest Gump]

"If you read post to Jimbo, it gives some details of this weekend. Trying to GAL. Trying to detach."

"I guess I don't know what it means to truly detach."

Again a big part of this is "control".

"I still get disappointed when I don't see any progress."

This is a example of the "control"

"I still get disappointed when I don't see any progress."

Cause you are not in "control".

"But I'm just kind of telling myself - who cares?"

You do.

"why would I expect anything else?"

Cause to a point.. you are looking back on times you had "control".

"I have stopped living in fear."

To a point.. yes. Yet the general idea is to not "fear" what is coming. You should be prepared for what is coming.

"I haven't been worrying about things as much."

This will most likely change.

"Haven't been thinking about what if he files for divorce?"

But the point would be.. what if you had the papers right now?

"I mean I do think about it some & then say - there's nothing I can do if he does & that is the end of the thought. "

Again to a point.. yes. You are too focused on what may happen. I want you to be prepared for what will happen.

"I just feel like our R has dwindled to nothing."

So now you share something in common with him.

"There isn't even anything to talk about anymore."

see the above comment.

"I guess I don't worry about it & continue on being the best me I can & living my life & being a great mom. Coaching call w/Laurie tomorrow morning."

I expect a full detail of "Living with Laurie".

You are on the cusp of learning something. You will have to tell me what it is.

I know I seem "better than thou". That is not my intention. My goal is.. again.. to make you think. I want to see you write it out. I want to see you get "Emotional" with me. So far so good.

I am just a simple guy that has worn your shoes. And most likely if you talk straight to me.. I can help a little.

Think "inside" the box that I gave you.

Watch what is going on around you.

Don't get "run over".

Now...

[Forrest Gump]

"BTW - good music choices! I get it."

Thank You.

[Done in VA]

But I'm just kind of telling myself - who cares?"
You do.

Is the goal to get myself to the point where I do get a divorce bc I don't give a rat's @$$ about H either?

To a point.. yes. Yet the general idea is to not "fear" what is coming. You should be prepared for what is coming.

Do you mean emotionally? How do I "prepare"?

This will most likely change.

Why? What do you mean?

"I just feel like our R has dwindled to nothing."

So now you share something in common with him.

"There isn't even anything to talk about anymore."

see the above comment.

Do you mean this to be a good thing?

[stillloveshim]

Hopeful--your situation is tough. Much like everyone here, but I think you are doing great. You are doing things for you and for the kids....it's hard but yet wonderful at the same time.
I got hit on too and I had the EXACT same reaction! Not too shabby, even after children!
When you feel like things have dwindled, you need to come up with things to talk to him about. What are the stupid things you talk to your girlfriends with? What do you talk to him about? What exactly is "small talk" subject matter? I get my H to talk about things he loves....then after a while he'll ask me about what I love and my day, etc. It's taken a while to get that down, but it goes pretty well now.
And I don't think you should ever get to a point where you don't care whether you divorce or not. I say, keep fighting.
I went to Va Tech...where did you go?

[Done in VA]

yeah I'll have to figure out some topics for conversation. I actually met h in college in wpb, fl - he was from VA I was from Chicago although I had lived in Woodbridge, VA until I was 11 so I was somewhat familiar with the area. I used to play in the infastructure of Potomac mills mall!

[stillloveshim]

Holy Moly....Potomac Mills Mall! It's amazing to me....that mall is the number one tourist attraction to that area! Not the White House, not the Washington or Lincoln Memorials, not the museums.... a mile long mall! Gotta love America.

I think you are doing great. It's hard, all of it. I've only recently allowed myself to think of life without H. And I've made the decision to come back up your way as the D becomes official or I find a new job back home.
I think I need to get out of here for a while. Let my head and heart clear out, let the dust settle. We both have high profile jobs here and it's going to be a bit of a scandal when the word gets out we're divorcing.
I was feeling guilty about going home with my son, but I figure if I'm a neurotic mess, then I'm no good to anyone.
I plan on going home for a about a year or so, however long it takes to really grab onto the old cliche, out of sight, out of mind....then coming back around the time S really wants to get into sports and such.

But you are on a good track esp. as it benefits you. Stay there.