OK for men with wives having an affair, has OM...

[MrBond]

My thought is that you should follow what people have been writing to you on your own thread.

Kevin, everyone's told you time and time again what's going to happen and what you should do. Coming to a different thread isn't going to change the answer you're looking for.

Plus it's not an exact science. If your W wants to come back after 1, 5 or 25 years, that's up to her. What are you going to do in the meantime?

[pauld2100]

kevin,
I am in your same sitch! Sucks! I know it's hard to listen to stuck and everyone else....

I know what your going through more then others maybe because of the similarities! I have been told as well do what you have to for you! If you try harder to fix this it might not turn out as you want....

Again I know I tried! Mulitple dating by my W not just one! Flight can help allot to understand. You have to decide...
I know you want to work things out and may know the whys and hows... All you can do is show her and stay out of the way! As bad as it hurts! I know this personally! Back off of her for a while no calls unless absolutely necessary! If you live with her then don't be the same old guy is all I can say at this point.... No pressure....

PD

[pauld2100]

Kevin,
Here's a post I found... Please read it carefully! I know how so many peole giving you input at one time can baffle you, it happened to me... there are parts that apply to you...

I was also sucked in by my W and thought I was doing the right thing... your not a doormat! Read back through your posts and read carefully!

Here's a post from someone that did this....


serendipity17

LRT can work! Absolutely no question about it. My sitch was as bad as they come, my W was totally gone. I don’t want to hijack here but a quick review, She went to Vegas and had an affair after 18 years of being faithful. She must have liked something about the experience because she just went nuts after that. She got into everything, Internet chatting, internet porn, internet personals, phone sex, and of course PA’s. She wanted a D! No if’s and’s or but’s!

I believe the trick with going dark is believing it yourself. I “went dark” and tried to GAL several times but I didn’t really mean it. If W would show the slightest interest I would try to cling to it. Ok long story short, I finally got fed up and I really mean I was fed up. I issued an ultimatum and I meant it. W told me to &^&*% my self so I filed for D. Now how dark is that! A few weeks later I went on a date with someone I had met at a wedding dance, it was no big deal. A week after that guess who shows up crying and begging, yup W!

This time I didn’t jump at the chance in fact I pushed her away. She kept coming back and we did go to some counseling but after careful consideration I have decided to move on with my life. The point is that it can work, even in the worst possible situation and what they say is true. Even if your S doesn’t come back you will be a better, stronger person.

By the way, my W still wants to reconcile but I have made my decision that I do not want to spend another 18 years with her. I know my life is going to be better with out her in it.

[K4D]

Stuck,

This particular thread caught my interest because of how closely FF described thoughts I read from my own W during her A. The thought process was so strikingly similar, it made me curious. And I mean stuff like the addiction W has mentioned, and the other feelings and actions are just very close to my W's thought process. It really gave a great insight to the mind of a W having a torrid A.

So I just thought I would ask. Thanks everyone.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Kev,

your sitch is way way different and you are again grasping for straws. You have a thread of your own with 100 people who know your sitch posting to you but you don't like what you see there, so you come to other places where you can hear different answers...and take some more polls until someone tells you the magic secret to get your w back. There is NO MAGIC SECRET... THis all takes TIME and how often can we ALL tell you that? You have been at it for less than 6 months!! (KEVIN4 re-read that. 6 MONTHS and btw, again, can you look at some other posters HERE and see THEIR time lines, mine included?)
Your impatience is to the point of being just ridiculous. You have yet to go 24 hours without mentioning your w...

Makes it really really hard to post to you the way we do Kev4. We take SO MUCH TIME for you, and get ignored and then begged to post some more to you....I have literally spent about 2 full work weeks in total, OR MORE, posting to you...just to get you to see a c... These people are not in your sitch at all. Really. The feelings may be the same but the ACTIONS are not. this has to be the last 2 x 4 Kev...I'm frustrated as heck. (Folks --check his thread if you think I'm being too harsh on him. I am not. OMG)

...Kev4, you know, if you actually stuck to ONE healthy action plan, for more than a day or two, who knows what would happen? But you won't. So i guess we'll never know.

(sorry for the hijack FF et al)

j-

[MrBond]

Kevin,

Your sitch is totally different. Once an ultimatum was issued, FF felt bad and asked for forgiveness. Your W, however, not only had an A, but kicked you out of the house, tells you she's going out with other men and keeps talking down to you.

It comes down to one thing. Respect.

Your W doesn't respect you. I have to give 25mlc credit because she's stayed with you alot longer than most. I admit I still read your posts, but have no replies because they are all the same.

25's right. There is no quick and easy answer. Especially in your sitch. Go to your C tomorrow and learn. Geez I think everyone's already told you this. In your post, you even wrote about how you would never talk about your kids being a hassle (in not so many words) like your W. But wasn't it you who was complaining about your oldest D wanting something you couldn't afford and you saying that she was a lost cause from being influenced by your W and MIL? You did the same thing.

Seriously read everything people post to you and process. I couldn't believe you were questioning why playing poker wasn't GAL after I don't know how many people told you why.

Stick to your thread and work it out.

Sorry for the hijack too FF.

[25yearsmlc]

QUESTIONS WE ALL HAVE ABOUT THE AFFAIR... and ANSWERED.

1) Do they love them more than they did me?
No. They are infatuated however, and probably the last time they were infatuated was 20 years ago. Infatuation is a strong emotion. Remember your first? right. Imagine that all over again. Now. dont be jealous. its not that great to be 'infatuated' as an adult and acting like an idiot. People will go to great lengths for the 'fantasy' for their feelings.

2) Is the sex better? is it all about the sex?
yes and no. the sex is NEW. not better. stop beating yourself up thinking your a dud in bed. no, your just OLD in bed. but in truth, the lovemaking you had had history. so you want to know heres how it is: its exciting with a new person because its all new. but the old partner had all our buttons down. TRUTH. so stop comparing. or wondering.

3) What do they see in him/her?
They see someone who thinks they are fantastic. great; sexy amazing and smart. They see someone they dont know very well and feel desperate to know every single inch of them (refer to infatuation.) They like the mystery, the newness, more than anything. but heres the REAL ANSWER: they can reinvent themselves and be someone else. NICE, when you have been sick of who you are for years. they can be DIFFERENT.

4) What does he/she see in HIM/HER?
someone to save most likely. Dont kid yourself, the OP isnt an evil being. Your spouse has lied to to them a lot and cried on their shoulder and told a lot of fibs about how hard done by and misunderstood and ignored they are, to justify why they are there, with them, and NOT with their spouse. This OP truly beleives you dont appreciate them, know them, or care except for yourself. this OP truly thinks that your spouse deserves to be 'appreciated'. They feel quite justified; if you had loved them better it wouldnt have happened - its not their fault. their mantra is "your marriage was in trouble before I came along". the fact they're right does cause a bit of a sting. but dont be fooled, it doesnt take away what they did.

WILL IT LAST?
Probably not. But I wouldnt hold my breath waiting. The average is 2 years but 5 is not rare. However in MOST Cases, during the 2 to 5 year mark theres no longer YOU to blame anymore and the excitement has died down a lot. The spouse doesnt need 'saving' from you anymore - your probably long gone. What generally happens is, boredom sets in. Lets face it an affair and then a marriage/family breakup is really exciting. Rather humdrum after thats all gone. The OP often ends up running away with an old friend actually. (they were both really surprised!)

IF MY SPOUSE CHEATED ON ME WILL THEY EVER COME BACK?
depends and its individual. Some dont. the shame can keep many away from even trying. even after its long over. So, theres often not much point in holding on for the breakup. After that happens they generally just have double heartache to get over - the one with you they never faced, and now this.

IF THEY CHEATED ONCE WILL THEY AGAIN?
two answers to this. one is YES some will because a line was crossed and guess what the world didnt end. one is NO because so much pain was experienced they wont be touching that stove again. You have to make up your own mind. Certainly cheating with no consquences would lead to more cheating.

FF, won't go point by point b/c I agree with most of it and what I don't agree with is not important enough. I wanted to say I'm glad I found THIS thread of yours b/c it's healthier than the angry one I saw the other day. I see YOU ARE making progress and there is not the constant "consumption by anger" (my term and I think it works, ??) I worried about with you (and felt myself way back when...) One little thing about sex with the new...don't understate the importance of the familiar though. I shudder to think of what it'd be like to have someone else see MY stretch marks from giving birth and they're not hideous or anything...but they're private. And a guy kissed me about 2 years ago (long story but NOT invited by me, we shared a sad story and I "let" him hug me with my butt out, if you know what I mean, and HE MAULED me and here's the deal...it was gross!! I mean, ZERO "turn on b/c he's new" and I never missed my h more than I did that minute! POint is, our partners know we hate sushi but love shrimp or recall that the Rolling Stones are a great band STILL and who the idiot at Joe's wedding was and the birth of OUR children, etc. I think the WAS misses far more than we realize and I KNOW my h did. He noticed more than I thought at the time and he missed us, actually at times ached for us ALL without my knowing. Until much later. Sure, it might not be happening. Sure maybe your h is having 10 orgasms a minute, and OW reads his mind ALL the time, and is never tired or grumpy or has a bad day, and is so smart that she knows ALL the things you know AND more, and always is in the mood, and earns six figures, and looks like a model, and cooks like a chef, and speaks 5 languages and and and...Wait, what's that? She's a HUMAN??? OMG!!!! Call 911!!!...she may have flaws!! yeah -- and they WILL surface...in time....in time.... (sigh)

I also posted a piece about shame, to Stuck. Not "meant for" him or you but due to a book I recently read that deeply resonated with me ("Blue Like Jazz"--deals with our faith and how we incorporate it AND how we can misuse it AND I'm guilty of that so don't think I'm getting preachy, I'm "confessing" if you will)


But one last comment---Except for the part about "A" timelines ( I READ most A's last less than a year with 6 months being average...but you know, who cares about the "average" I guess? I mean wth does it matter if they ain't home? But I did want to know the source of that b/c I get asked it a lot and have a bf going thru stuff and I gave her DB materials but her h....is "off" for now, if you kwim so I'm trying to be helpful. If there is good research out there that says a diff LONGER timeline, I'd like to pass it on to her...

BACK TO EARTH.. Again, I am guilty of doing this. And what does not fit you, and maybe NONE of it does, can get chucked -- or passed on to someone who it does fit...(BTW, again, very glad to see THIS post of yours....congrats...you've had a tough blow and you are getting that now, life is all about you. And that ain't a bad thing! And yes, I relate to the idea that if/when the WAS wants back in, the healthy LBSer who has GAL HESITATES to make sure things WILL indeed be different....way way different and on both sides. Why do any of this if it could lead to another blow like the one we all had? For me, this "MLC Poop" and DBing, yes, it made me a better person BUT it's a once in a lifetime thing, for sure...)

Most LBSers at some point try to guilt or shame the WAS into coming home. We say "How could you?" and "This is immoral, wrong, selfish, a SIN, against God's will, etc." (I know I did.)
I have given a lot of thought to this. Here's my opinion and it is mainly based on personal experience and my opinion, but see Sandi's response sometimes, as an almost WAW...)

SHAME and why it sucks for all[/u][/color]
Shaming a WAS into "trying again" ALWAYS FAILS IN THE LONG RUN, EVEN IF THE WAS COMES HOME[/b]... yes I mean that literally.

No couples reconcile for good, and I mean RECONCILE, (I don't mean move back in the home b/c true restoration of the M and reconciliation, mean a lot more than living under the same roof... b/c of shame...

Again I speak from experience on this, okay? Been there, done that.

IMO, No WAS who feels shamed into coming home, will again feel loving, or warm or affectionate or attracted towards the source of the shame. And that source of the shame won't be the WAS' past action or OP. At some point, the source of the shame IS the LBSer. I see this particularly for the LBSer who guilts the WAS into returning by misusing God or religion, or family/societal approval to get the WAS back. (I KNOW You are over that part of this, FF, I get it and your sitch is pretty unusual)
They "expose" the sinner to shame and hurt their position in the family or community, and while they claim to forgive, it is NOT the real kind of forgiveness modelled by Christ (and those of other religions who really forgive). It is the kind of fake forgiveness wherein the LBSer acts as if they are the sole victims of a problematic M, they wear their "forgiveness" as a badge of sainthood, and are smug & judgmental about it often, so you cannot ever disagree with them due to their moral superiority or scripture quoting skills (quoting scripture is SOMETIMES used to "be right" or "Win an argument" and can you imagine how our Creator feels about THAT?...) and some LBSers feel OWED by the WAS (what happened to forgiving and letting go and) blah blah blah, and they might throw it in the WAS's face or LOOK LIKE THEY ARE ABOUT TO every time a conflict arises so the sword of Damacles is forever over their head....so many LBSers do this and wonder why the WAS again finds someone else, or simply leaves again, for good. [/color]

To me, that is the shame of this all. And if this does not apply to you or only in part, fine. Just wanted to post it. And the book reminded me of it so much. I highly recommend it to ALL.

((( j )))

[pauld2100]

That's great info...

One thing I would like to add is now that I know more of what is going on thanks to Flight, Stuck and all here. It also brings a reality that in order to break a routine of everyday life for the WAS in the determined way they are can also bring a sense of urgency to LBS’s like me! I also did this against the advice of others here. Now Flight has really helped by ending up on the other side of this at a cost to her life!

I personally would love to see someone like Flight and anyone that came to this point after the damage to really help her! I know it’s a dream right now and even if someone does it may not do any good…. With all this good information I have now and no way to express it to my WAS it is very frustrating to watch this continue…. Flight when you were in the fog nothing could be said right? But something could be done! IE being a real 2 x 4 or just stay out of the circle?

Again my sitch has other factors like the accident. I want to forgive my W and probably could…. If we were even talking at all I think we could…. She has gone much farther then a shuttering kiss unfortunately and I know she is missing me a little but will not act on it…. She said she wanted me to know what she wants without having to tell me long before this we reached this point! Well I did and do… Will she start missing that I am the one who knows her inside and out and miss it so much? It’s been over 7 months and the contact has shriveled to nothing…. I have backed off completely and now plan to move….

I guess I have not listened to everything and wish I had. I guess for me it’s what I can do now…

[PainX2]

Wow that sounds about right!

[PainX2]

Hello Ms. Fit,

This is what has happened in my sich, My wife was so selfish while having her affair (she wont call it that)and I knew she was trying to keep her options open by being loving to me and showing me "just enough" for me to keep on going but she slammed me down so many times that I did the 'Get A Life" bit after what I thought was the final fight of our life and it ended up with me going astray to a woman that was the opposite of my wife. The next day my wife starts telling me that after almost a year she realized that I am the one she has always loved. When she asked, I had to tell her "Yes I slept with someone" Now all bets are probably off. I was able to forgive her but she will not be able to forgive me even in light of all she put me through.